The majority of tv is, sadly, pretty average. Uninspiring, but sometimes worthy of passing the time on a dull, wet Tuesday evening. But some tv, well it’s just awful. Offensive to the audience’s intelligence, dull, tiresome and patronising. And this tv just doesn’t get enough coverage in our books. The worst programmes just go on and on in obscure timeslots, with little or no criticism. But in the hope that such tv will be cancelled, that bad programmes won’t be endlessly repeated, that the schedules will one day be full of classic programmes, here we name and shame the worst tv offenders ever….
Title: Albion Market
Brief Description: Soap Opera set in a Market.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Why So Bad? It was just very dull. Not especially tacky or badly acted, nor over the top like Eldorado, this was just very lifeless, extremly grim and tiresome drama. Unsurprisingly cancelled very quickly.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 5/10
Title: Babes In The Wood
Brief Description: ITV Sitcom.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Why So Bad? Didn’t you read above? It was an ITV sitcom. Which automatically means it wasn’t funny, packed with eighties style innuendo and sauciness, and the whole cast weren’t very good. Add to this already disastrous mix Denise Van Outen’s acting debut, and, sigh, you end up with one of the worst shows ever.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
Title: Barrymore
Brief Description: Chat Show.
Currently Being Shown? On ITV, Sundays, 18:30.
Why So Bad? Because of it’s desperately wanting to be loved host. Barrymore may have been funny for about a minute or so in the early nineties, but has just become a drawn out tragedy televised over the last decade. All programmes he’s ever hosted, including Kids Do The Funniest Things, and Strike It Rich, have sadly been ruined by the hosts ineptness.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
Title: Baywatch
Brief Description: Girls in revealing costumes rescue struggling z-list actors.
Currently Being Shown? Yup, on Bravo.
Why So Bad? It was just another tacky drama series made famous by the amount of flesh on display. But the acting, script and direction was awful, and it prolonged David Hasselhoff’s career for far too long. And spin off Baywatch Nights was, somehow, even worse.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 7/10
Title: The Benny Hill Show
Brief Description: Short 'cheeky' man chases scantily clad women around. For over 20 years.
Currently Being Shown? Not at the moment, though C4 devoted an hour and a half to Hill recently.
Why So Bad? Because it was just slapstick comedy at it's most tiresome. Most sketches involved women in little clothing being comically abused, and the whole thing went on for far too many years. And recent attempts to celebrate him in a post ironic laddist kind of way have really annoyed me too - whichever way you look at it, when you compare Hill to contemporary comics such as Chris Morris, Mark Thomas, Jerry Sadowitz, Graham Matthews and Arthur Lineham, The League of Gentlemen et al, his brand of comedy just seems puerile and trivial, and, at the end of the day, utterly pointless.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 10/10.
Title: Birds of a Feather
Brief Description: Sitcom in which two friends cope with life whilst their other halves are in prison.
Currently Being Shown? On UK Gold.
Why So Bad? Because it was just really irritating stuff, basically half an hour of women moaning about lack of money or sex, with very few real laughs.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10.
Title: The Cannon and Ball Show
Brief Description: Two sad old men attempt to make audiences laugh.
Currently Being Shown? No, thankfully.
Why So Bad? Because Cannon and Ball were never funny. The sketches were tedious, badly written and acted, yet at one time these comedians were popular enough to star in their own movie, Boys In Blue. Fortunately this pretty much ended their career.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
Title: Celebrity
Brief Description: Hal and hour of weak celebrity gossip.
Currently Being Shown? On ITV. Daily.
Why So Bad? It’s so dull and trivial. If you’re interested in what hairstyle changes Steps or Five might have made then you’ll love this show, but for the rest of us, it’s tv hell. Plus it’s presented by the ever-irritating Andi Peters, who I presumed had long ago realised no one actually wanted to see him on tv anymore, and a star guest host who is so inept that she makes local community tv hosts look good.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
Title: Chucklevision.
Brief Description: Children’s tv comedy show.
Currently Being Shown? On BBC1.
Why So Bad? Because the antics of two stupid brothers with moustaches falling over and hitting each other a lot has been broadcast to helpless children for far too long now. This was never funny, now it’s just fucking annoying. I met the Chuckle Brothers at a holiday camp once, and they were, if it’s possible to imagine, even more annoying in person than in real life. Someone please cancel this show now.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 10/10.
Title: Give Us A Clue
Brief Description: Televised charades.
Currently Being Shown?
Why So Bad? It was so cheap, and repetitive. And watching Lionel Blair trying to act, even in a comedy way, had always been painful. Plus it seemed to go on for decades.
Overall Shitness Rating: 7/10
Title: The Grimleys
Brief Description:
Currently Being Shown? No, but expect a new series soon.
Why So Bad? Yet another poor ITV sitcom is nothing strange, but one which wastes a decent cast including Nigel Planer, and Amanda Holden with yet another tediously innuendo laden script. Plus Bradley Walsh’s acting attempts are, as you may expect, less then stellar.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 7/10
Title: Howard’s Way
Brief Description: Eighties drama series set in a boat yard.
Currently Being Shown? On UK Drama.
Why So Bad? It tried oh so desperately to be a British Dynasty, but was just tacky. The addition of Kate O’Mara to the cast made things even more unrealistic, and there are only so many plot lines revolving around the selling of boats, and these tended to be repeated over and over again.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
Title: Karaoke Challenge
Brief Description: Low budget version of Stars In Their Eyes, without the costumes or even a studio.
Currently Being Shown? Occasionally on Challenge Tv.
Why So Bad? Because no one could sing at all. The production values were shocking, and the show was only even funny in a unintentional sense for about five minutes.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 10/10
Title: Lock, Stock - The TV Series
Brief Description: Spin off series from the popular British gangster film.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Why So Bad? Perhaps because it tried so hard. It was slickly shot and directed, the script was packed with plenty of action, and the plots tried to be as convoluted (though not unpredictable) as possible. But all four leads were pretty average, more suited to a soap than a big budget series, there was a mildly offensive homophobic/misogynist subtext running throughout, and it was all just very repetitive, and obviously suffers when compared to the film it was based on.
Overall Shitness Rating: 4/10 (But only because it was nice to see Ralph Brown acting again).
Title: Married With Children
Brief Description: Loud, tacky white collar American sitcom.
Currently Being Shown? Yes, on the Paramount Comedy Channel.
Why So Bad? It was all just so crass and obvious. Packed full of jokes about sex, mother in laws, and, um, sex again. Roseanne did this sort of thing with style and irony, at least early on, whilst this did it with smutty cheek and tackiness.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 7/10
Title: Prince Amongst Men
Brief Description: Sitcom about an ex-footballer.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Why So Bad? Star Chris Barrie deserved a far better vehicle than this for his comedy talents. Annoying, obvious, and at the end of the day, just not very funny. Makes The Brittas Empire look good.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 8/10
Title: Prisoner Cell Block H
Brief Description: Australian prison set soap.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Brief Description: The Queen of terrible tv, and probably the most famous ‘bad’ show – this had wobbly sets, horrific acting and tiresome scripts. Loved by, well, some for its extreme tackiness, it still deserves a place here due to it lasting far longer than the unintentional comedy factor ever did.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 10/10
Title: Ready, Steady, Cook.
Brief Description: Cookery show, presented by Ainsley Harriot.
Currently Being Shown? On BBC2.
Why So Bad? Cooking programmes have their use, I suppose, but by trying desperately to be funny throughout, Ainsely Harriot ruins what could have been a reasonable show.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 6/10
Title: Saved By The Bell: The New Class
Brief Description: Teen sitcom set in a US school.
Currently Being Shown? No, thankfully.
Why So Bad? The original show was pretty shakey stuff, but for some reason was extremely popular with teens, probably due to Dustin Diamond's hilariously unfunny portrayal of 'Screech' (oh, and the scantily clad girls may have had something to do with it). But there was never any need for this awful spin off, featuring an all new cast bar Screech (now some sort of Teacher's assistant) and the headmaster, and just forever repeating the same storylines. Terrible, terrible stuff that should be avoided at all cost.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
Title: The Scooby and Scrappy Doo Show.
Brief Description: Cartoon show with Scooby Doo and his annoying nephew.
Currently Being Shown? No doubt somewhere on some childrens channel.
Why So Bad? Simply because the original show was so good - Scooby Doo was a superb cartoon series, which still stands up well today. But when bored/ratings desperate tv producers brought in Scooby's nephew Scrappy, they ruined the show. He was not only extremely irritating and annoying, but also had one of the worst catchphrases - 'Puppy Power' - of all time. Hopefully Scrappy will only appear in the forthcoming new movie for about five minutes before being run over.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 8/10
Title: Son of the Beach
Brief Description: Sitcom. Parody of Baywatch.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Why So Bad? Baywatch parodied itself so much in later years, and so a sitcom parody was never needed. It’s poorly acted, obvious and the jokes all centre around breasts or sex. One of the characters is called BJ – that’s just how bad this is.
Overall Shitness Rating: 8/10
Title: Stars In Their Eyes
Brief Description: Normal people dress up as their musical heroes and sing.
Currently Being Shown? The last series has just ended, but no doubt it will return.
Why So Bad? It’s just televised karaoke, and the songs are all too often ruined. Plus Matthew Kelly is one of the most sycophantic and annoying hosts on tv. Shockingly popular, for some unknown reason.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 10/10
Title: Team Knight Rider
Brief Description: An attempt to cash in on the nostalgia of the old show, and revamping it for a nineties look. It starred a variety of D-List actors, including Nick Wechsle, who went on to star in the marginally plausible Roswell High.
Currently being shown? Probably appears on summer schedules or as a extra item if required.
How bad is it? Shocking, and it made me realise that the original was pretty poor as well. But then again, Knight Rider, and spin-off shows like StreetHawk and Airwolf appealed to a kid growing up in the eighties.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 8/10
Title: That Prezzie Show
Brief Description: Present review show.
Currently Being Shown? Late night on ITV.
Why So Bad? It’s one of the cheapest examples on tv ever made, the host and guests are ridiculously over enthusiastic, and the presents reviewed are often extremely tedious. Add to this the terrible ‘joke’ adverts they make to promote the products, and you’ve got an end result of one of the worst shows ever.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 10/10
Title: Thunder in Paradise.
Brief Description: A vehicle for Hulk Hogan (real name Terry Bollea), and was a Baywatch type show with Jack Lemmon's son Chris as the Comedy Sidekick.
Currently being shown? If it is, it would be regionally.
Why So Bad? Actually, it really wasted the talents of Chris Lemmon, and over-exposed Mr. Bollea, who went on to star in a film with Carl Weathers (formerly of Rocky and Predator), and Shannon Tweed (formerly of Channel 5 adult erotic films). Baywatch meets wrestling, and as in nearly all Hulk Hogan Vehicles, he gave parts to fellow Wrestlers.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 7/10.
Title: Vanessa.
Brief Description: Jerry Springer esque chat show.
Currently Being Shown? No.
Why So Bad? Because it was presented by Vanessa Feltz. Is there any other reason? Fortunately the national press revealed that many of the guests were fake, and the show was quickly cancelled.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 8/10
Title: Vic Reeves Examines
Brief Description: 15 minutes of comedian Vic Reeves talking about something dull.
Currently Being Shown? On UK Play.
Why So Bad? Because it should have been good. Reeves has produced some of the best British comedy in the last decade, but without co-star Bob Mortimer this floundered badly. Plus the guest stars were off a c-list variety, and rarely had anything interesting to say / understood Reeve’s unique style of comedy.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 5/10
Title: Watercolour Challenge
Brief Description: Several old people take half an hour to paint a picture, describe it in detail, and get excited about extremely average art.
Currently Being Shown? Yes. Every weekday on Channel Four at 15:30.
Why So Bad? The majority of the pictures are pretty average, what you’d expect from teenage school kids, and all very similar. Not even a patch on anything Tony Hart or Rolf Harris have ever produced.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 7/10
Title: You Rang My Lord
Brief Description: Sitcom starring the majority of the cast of Hi-di-Hi.
Currently Being Shown? Not at the moment, but appears with alarming regularity on UK Gold.
Why So Bad? Hi-di-Hi wasn’t exactly the best of comedies, but at least it had a large cast and plenty of various, if tedious, plots. Um, and lots of girls in saucy uniforms. But this sitcom, also written by the creators of Hi-di-Hi, was just appalling stuff, with the cast playing the same roles, but with a far less 'unintentionally' amusing script. Inevitable tedium set in after the first episode, and this fortunately didn’t last too long.
Overall Shiteness Rating: 9/10
As Tv gradually gets worse, this article will no doubt be updated regularly.
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