GC: How did you get started in movies?
JB: Well I had been in a comedy partnership with my college friend Eric Morecambe. however we were really unsuccessful mostly down to him being shit. So I upped sticks and went to Hollywood leaving Eric to rot as a sad and lonely failure.
GC: But of course then he met Ernie Wise....
JB: Yeah, that was disappointing, but at least both of the bastards are dead now.
GC: You were appointed director of Point Blank which made you an overnight success. How did you achieve such an impact?
JB: Actually someone else directed that film but due to a clerical error I was credited. In fact I didn't even understand the bloody thing, but thankfully some mad people were also critics and loved the movie, which launched my career.
GC: But you did direct your next masterpiece, Deliverance, yourself?
JB: Certainly. I was in East L.A. drinking meths with some friends of mine who were tramps, and one of them bet me forty million dollars I couldn't make Burt Reynold's name synonymous with "male rape". Within a year I'd done it, but then had a hell of job getting the money off the stinking hobo, I can tell you!
JB: Yes, however the piss poor takings were all down to Connery. I'd delivered a winner but that Scottish nutjob is box office poison.
GC: He has quite a few hits over the years.
JB: Nonsense, you're thinking of George Lazenby. Next question!
GC: You scored quite a hit with Excalibur, an elegiac retelling of the Arthurian legend.
JB: That was a great picture. I think I fucked 84 hookers during the shoot, a personal record.
GC: You filmed it close to your adoptive Irish home rather than in England. What was the thinking behind that?
JB: I could have Guinness for breakfast every single day.
GC: The Emerald Forest followed the adventures of your son stranded alone on the Amazon. Did that reflect your burgeoning sense of global awareness?
JB: Definitely. Also I was on the run from the mob after stealing a suitcase full of their drug money.
GC: Hope and Glory was perhaps your most personal work to date. It followed the adventures of John Boorman as a boy during World War 2, but was it a fully-rounded portrait of your young self?
JB: Up to a point. I had to leave out my youthful obsession with bumming Hitler, though.
GC: Coming more up to date, you recently cast Pierce Brosnan against type in The Tailor of Panama.
JB: Yeah, I felt sure that me and Pierce would work well together. Sure enough, within 3 days we were spit-roasting Jamie-Lee Curtis.
GC: What are your plans for the future?
JB: At some point soon I'm going to give up movies, relocate to Thailand and see out my days in a beautiful suburb of Bangkok.
GC: If you could choose your epitaph what would it be?
JB: He lived to make wonderful films, he died choking on a ladyboy's dick.
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