Rumours that Ant and Dec were killed on last Saturday night by a rampant Kangaroo, and replaced with computer generated images for the final two episodes of “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” and it's reunion show have been denied by the show’s producer Colly McCollywood.
“To even suggest that Ant and Dec were kissing and cuddling in the bush that night and failed to spot the incredibly horny kangaroo who proceeded to shag them to death is absurd. And yes, pictures have been published showing me digging a shallow grave and pushing two large body bags in to them, but all I was doing was burying Phil Tuffnell’s underwear, which by that time had started to pose a threat to humanity.”
Not everyone is convinced by the producer’s statement though, and suspects that computer images were used on the final two nights of the show. Viewer Mrs Margaret Smish from Leeds has begun a petition demanding that ITV explain why on Sunday night’s episode “Ant’s ear kept on disappearing, whilst Dec at one point suddenly grew twelve feet tall.” ITV have yet to respond, as they’re all hiding in a tunnel somewhere
TOP SEARCH ENGINE PHRASE DISTURBS WORLD
Internet users across the world were hiding their pale faces shamefully last night after google.com announced that the week’s top search phrase was “PICTURE OF SADDAM HUSSEIN PLAYING WITH JAMIE THEAKSTONS COCK”
Other entries which prove how sick and twisted these so called netpeople are include “DALE WINTON FINGERING BABARA WINDSOR” and “HOLLY VALANCE EATING JENNIFER LOPEZ'S LIVER".
And claims made in the last five minutes by the national papers that WIWTN invented this story just so that we’d receive an enormous amount of traffic to this page via search engines have been refuted by it’s editor, Alex Finch, who said “Shut it, of I’ll email you several pictures of BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVING HER PUBES OFF,” before shooting his own head off for allowing WIWTN’s quality control to sink so low.
“That court case really showed me the light,” Whittock told us “I never even thought for a second that we were doing something illegal, but when the judge told me I was a ‘cheating conniving twat who deserves to spend the rest of his life in prison’ I thought, you know something, you’re right! I just can’t believe that Ingram, who’s plan this was all along I should stress, fooled me in to committing so many fraudulent acts on gameshows. We even went so far as to pretend to be brothers on Family
He went on to say: “Coughing was only the latest devious way we devised to defraud game shows that we’d come up with, in the past we’d previously used timed farting, sign language, traffic lights and once even a guide dog called Gerald as ways to deceive trusting game show hosts, and win, over the years, an enormous amount of sexy prizes and money, as well as a fair amount of shit as well. I’m so sorry though. Like the judge said, I do deserve to spend the rest of my life in prison – though one of those nice one’s where Jeffrey Archer went would be good.”
Major Charles Ingram has denied Whittock’s accusations, stating “Yes, I can see that it looks strange, but it’s just a coincidence that we’re on all those game shows together, and yes, I know I told the jury in the fraud trial that I’d only known Whittock for about six months, but, er, I’d been hit by a small plane earlier that day and was suffering from memory loss. Yeah. That’s it. Anyway, I’ve got to go now, there’s a fire in my socks.”
Gameshow hosts including Bruce Forsythe, Les Dennis and Bob Monkhouse have been variously ‘shocked’, ‘outraged’ or ‘strangely aroused’ and all have declared an intent to get revenge on the Whittock and the Major, mostly in ways involving being force fed to hungry gazelles. However, 3-2-1 host Ted Rogers broke down in tears when he heard the story “I might be dead,” he said, “but I’m still incredibly upset by this news. I cant believe Ingram and Whittock betrayed me. I treated them like the brothers I had but didn’t like that much, and now I find out they were scamming me all along. When they die, there will be trouble, oh yes.”
NO.1 SPARKS OUTRAGE
The current No.1 song in the hit parade, Sympathy F**k by US Band Headshit, has offended at least thirteen people this week, and many have called for the government to not only ban the band from these shores, but to “burn them, and burn them painfully” as well.
The band, the oldest of whom is only twelve years old, released the song last week, and it shot straight to no.1 after receiving no air play on any radio stations at all. Unfortunately, due to the internet, millions heard the song after illegally downloading it, and 99.2% of those who did rushed out to buy the single this week as ‘they had nothing better to do, and it’s nice to get out of the house once in a while’.
Top German Pyschiatrist Heinmar Burner was particularly shocked by the band’s song, and told a press conference earlier today: “This zong is utterly zick. Ze line ‘I got herpes from my Sister, from playing naked twister’ underlines ze moral decay in children today, where even innocent games turn in to something darker and sexual. Zo I mist admit, it did make me sexually excited too. And ze bit where he sings “I’ve got aids and I’ve got cancer, I desperately need a penis enhancer, I don’t care what I gotta say, to stop people saying that I’m gay,” suggests a conflict in his mental stability, and shows that he needs to be shot in the head right now.
The professor went on to say “What really upsets me is the end of ze song, where lead singer Zach Monchin screams ‘All I want is a sympathy fuck’ twenty times over before barely whispering the words ‘Don’t make me rape you.’ Zis is outrageously offensive, and to see those words spurt from zere mouths makes me want to ban all people from having children ever again. If zey were born in Germany we would have cut off zere testicals by now. We have learnt our lessons from World War II you know.”
Claims made that Professor Heinmar Burner was the evil genius behind the song, and that all of this was just a huge publicity claim were denied by the good doctor “Screw u fatboy,” he said, “if you ever publish those claims I’ll cut your head off with a small, ceramic plate.”
REED’S ALIVE
FAMOUS DRUNK FAKED DEATH REVELATION
Oliver Reed, one of the world’s most infamous alcoholics, has shocked everyone today by revealing that he’s not actually dead at all. The drunken alcoholic revealed that he’d faked his death back in 1999 as he was tired of being a celebrity embarrassment, and had been trying to sober up ever since.
“I knowww yoooooou your ma best mateshhh,” he told us, subtly suggesting that his plan had not worked completely, “Gissss us a kiss! Go on!” he went on to say. When we asked him if he now planned on going back to making movies he said “ Yooooou want whassht? I neveeeeer kished Richard Burton and you cant proooooove it.” Before taking off his trousers and waving them around in the air.
Close friend Michael Winner told us “I knew all along of course, me and Ollie, we’re the best of mates and have often spent weeks together in a sauna, and I’m just terribly upset that my celebrity pal hasn’t managed to give up the drink. On the other hand, it’s great, as I’m making a bomb selling cheap wine to him for thousands of pounds a bottle.”
However, Gladiator star Russell Crowe clearly wasn’t aware of Reed’s non-deathness, and expressed his surprise upon hearing that Reed was alive - “Fuck me!” he told us earlier.
"I'd only fight in this war if they paid me a million a day. I have been offered $500,000 so far, but well, it's just not enough." Tom Cruise, Variety.
"A lot of the soldiers out there havent seen a pair of women's breasts in weeks - god knows what atrocious crimes they may committ when back on British soil. I think we should lock them away with a copy of Razzle for the first week they come back - just to be safe, like." Robin Cook, The Telegraph.
"So what if I did pay the Queen for sexual favours once back during World War 2 - they were desperate times and anyone would have done the same in my position." Norman Wisdom, Radio Times.
The website showed copies of memo’s from Bush, telling his commander in chief Colonel John Forstuff to kill as many British soldiers as possible, stating “I don’t care if we have to smash helicopters in to innocent men, as long as it weakens their army and helps us invade in July.”
Another memo printed on the site explained how Bush suspects that “Britain may try to take over the US at any time…they ruled us once and may try to do so again. They have weapons of mass destruction too – yes, yes, I know we put them there, but who knows if
Bush has since denied the story, telling the The Sun “It’s all absolutely rubbish, I love Tony like the half brother I never had or at least didn’t know about and would never do anything to harm him” before slipping and mentioning how he would like to “rule the whole world one day, even if it meant killing every fucker who lived on it.”
WAR IN IRAQ TV RATINGS DISASTER CLAIM TV BOSS
BBC Boss Greg Dyke has revealed that the viewing figures for the news has dramatically fallen during the last few days and that the corporation are appalled by this.
Dyke, speaking on the BBC’s breakfast show, told astonished viewers how “This war has been an absolute disaster for us, we sunk millions in to new fangled gadgetry just so that we could see bits of bodies flying around as it happened, only for the public to become bored of the whole thing within a week – one night this week some shit on BBC2 even beat the News at Ten.”
He went on to say “Yes, its true, they were very high for the first few days, and we were happier than giraffe’s at a fancy dress party, but after the fifth day of the conflict they started to decline horrendously and now according to the latest BARB figures it only seems that seven and a half people care whether we win the war or not. To be honest, next time there’s a war I don’t think we’ll bother to cover it at all and stick to reporting stories about paedophiles and d-list celebrities committing drug crimes.”
However ITV’s Trevor McDonald claimed to be amazed that Dyke should make such a statement “Viewing figures for our news programme have never been higher - though this might be because we’ve killed off several of our top reporters to keep the viewers interested.”
JACKSON PAYS OFF COUPLE WHO CLAIM HE KIDNAPPED THEIR CHILDREN, ATE THEM, SHIT THEM OUT AND THEN PUT THEM BACK IN BEDROOMS
Michael Jackson is at the centre of his 58 ½ controversy this month after The Sun revealed that a couple from Florida have claimed that the pop singer kidnapped their children, ate them, digested them, then shit them out and made minature models of the kids out of his defecation and placed them back in there beds ‘hoping that no one would notice’ – and that when they threatened to take Jackson to court over this incident, he paid them $120 million to keep their mouths ‘more shut than a closed door’.
The mother of the children, Mrs Poppleton, 48, told the paper “One night we went to check on the kids and saw Jackson diving out of the window with a huge bag containing our little uns. We gave chase, of course, but he escaped by jetpac. The cops didn’t believe us when we told them what had happened, and accused us of disposing of the kids ourselves, but then three days later we found little shit models in their bed they just had to believe us. We wanted to press charges we did, but then Jackson arrived with the money, and told us not to say a word or we’d be killed. We’re only speaking out now as we noticed yesterday that the money is infact made out of bread.”
Jackson has of course denied the claims, though he has admitted to giving the couple the large sum of money. When asked why he’d paid off the couple, Jackson retorted “I thought I was paying for a really large pizza I ordered last week – I had no idea this was anything to do with me shitting out children.”
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