John Major has finally spoken about his affair with Edwina Currie in this morning’s Daily Mail newspaper.
And he has shocked the political world by claiming he never knew about the affair. "I’ve been schizophrenic for years, but never wanted to reveal it till now. My wife tells me that sometimes I suddenly become someone called Jimmy McDogface, and try and shag everything that moves, including microwave meals, but I have no memory of such events."
However, political experts believe he is doing what is known in the political world as ‘lying’. "I can completely understand why he would say such things," one expert told us, "But it’s about time he stopped lying and told us the whole truth – including exactly how large Ms. Currie’s fanny is."
COX TO REMAKE MANHUNTER
Brian Cox has announced plans for a third film version of Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon. Cox, who starred in the first adaptation of the novel, Manhunter, is reportedly angry that people have forgotten that he was the original Hannibal Lector.
The actor told The Star "I’m not going to let that bastard Hopkins get away with this, oh no. I’m remaking Manhunter myself, I’ve borrowed a friends DV camera and the wife said she’d play a couple of roles. Now all I need is a couple of dead bodies and we’re ready to shoot"
PHIL JUPITUS ADMITS TO BEING NOT FUNNY
Comedian and Never Mind The Buzzcocks team captain Phil Jupitus this week admitted that he is not actually funny. In an interview with the Radio Times, the less than slim ‘funnyman’ confessed that "Most of my jokes go down so badly when Buzzcocks is being recorded that Mark Lamarr has to threaten the audience with a shotgun before they laugh, and even then some of them refuse too."
Jupitus also claimed that he’s also seriously considering giving up comedy: "I know it’s only a matter of time before someone beats the shit out of me with a shoe because I’m so pathetically unamusing, so I’m considering giving it all up," and that the only thing which was still keeping him in the field is that "For some fucked up reason the BBC keep hiring me, so it’d be stupid to turn down the bucketloads of money and whores they keep giving me."
The ban was a manifesto commitment in 1997 but since then Tony Blair has shied away from implementing it, fearing an uproar amongst "Hatters" to rival that of the poll tax riots. However now backbench old Labour nutjob Dennis Skinner has proposed a private members bill that would end the tolerance of all large head covers. The Minister for Fashion, Stephen Byers, has indicated that he will not oppose the bill, and indeed commented that he expects it to become law by the Spring.
A march in Central London is planned for next month, where hundreds of thousands of people will mess up everyone's day to whinge on about nothing. The march is allegedly about "all sorts of clothing issues", but it's widely perceived to be little more than a sounding board for the Top Hat wearing fraternity. Hat Saboteur groups will also be in evidence on that day, no doubt looking pale and ill because they're all bloody mad vegans. In previous years these saboteurs have been fighting a losing battle, but now the worm has turned and their wanton acts of head-baring look to have carried the day.
But is it all good news? Traditional male wedding day outfits will be ruined if a right-wing alliance of Tories and old people can't stem the tide of change. Would a morning suit really look the same if the men in question had to have baseball caps on their headtops? We'll leave it up to you to decide... that the answer's no.
SCIENTIST CLAIMS ALL GINGERS CRAP IN BED
Professor Stephen Blake-Jones, of Cambridge University, has astounded the scientific community by claiming that people with Ginger hair are ‘so shit in bed, my cock nearly fell off’.
The Professor, who in the interests of science has slept with over two hundred girls and fifty boys afflicted with the much hated hair colour, stated in his findings that "not one of them could provoke an orgasm out of my beloved penis, not even the lad who wore a wig and pretended he was Marilyn Monroe". He went on to say "Julie Gerkins was the worst of these, I almost managed an erection before I looked at her deformed head, but as soon as I did it caused my penis to actually shrink inside my body, and take refuge in my intestines. Which sure hurt when I tried to take a shit."
He went on to explain that they were so useless in sexual matters because "The majority of them were virgins, what with them being so ugly and all, and just didn’t have a fucking clue what to do, but the one’s who weren’t - mainly after paying for sex with an escort – failed to arouse interest me in the male groin area because one look at their hair colour causes the male member to scream with fear. If it had vocal chords it would, anyway."
Claims that the Professor had made up all his of results because of a failed relationship with the aforementioned Gerkins have been made, but the Professor refuted them immediately "Whoever told you that was a ginger faced liar, and if I found out who it was, soon their arse will be stapled to the back of a bus."
"I very much considered the original me to be a work in progress," said Lucas, "And now the technology exists to create me as I conceived myself back in the 1970’s."
"He’s clearly mad," said a reporter from the UK’s Daily Telegraph, after the statement. The Evening Standard added, "That explains why the direction in his films seems so devoid of humanity," whilst The Sun exclaimed "I hear he’s replaced his knob with a lightsabre!"
HUNDRED REASONS SINGER UPSETS AMERICA
Colin Doran, the lead singer of nu-metal band Hundred Reasons, has upset 97.54% of the American population by declaring live on MTV last night that "9/11 was the greatest thing that could ever have happened to our band, and I’m so fucking glad all those people died."
The soft spoken and proudly middle class nu-metal singer explained "You could see that everyone was getting really bored of the whole nu-metal scene and it was only a matter of time before metal returned to being as popular as eating piles of wasp covered monkey semen, just like in the eighties. Luckily the atrocity in New York took place. Okay, sure, for about two weeks everyone went all spazzy and were buying easy listening shit like Celine Dion, but after that they got all pissed off again. They wanted something angry. Something harder. Something that would fist your sister if you turned your back on it for just one second. Yeah baby, they wanted us. So if September 11th hadnt taken place we’d probably have been dropped by our record label by now, so you can see why I’m so happy it did. And I can’t promise that if our record sales were to drop again, that I wouldn’t plan some sort of terrible atrocity that would kill thousands, if not millions of people."
Gallup polls conducted immediately after the interview showed that 97.54% of Americans were upset by Doran’s comments, with 54.32% of them seriously considering flying to the UK within the next twenty four hours to give him some kind of blood splattered bullet wound. Only 2.46% thought agreed with Dolan, with 1.1% believing that he should be proclaimed the new lord of the Universe.
"If I could have my time on Earth again, the only thing I would change is felching Ringo. Christ I was drunk that night." Paul McCartney, Mojo Magazine.
"If we don’t bomb Iraq, who’s to say that Sadaam Hussein won’t release a pop record that could kill us all?" Geri Halliwell, Smash hits.
"Yeah, I went to Jack and Kym’s wedding. I was the one who shit on the cake when no one was looking." Natalie Cassidy, Eastenders Weekly.
"I once had a wet dream about the Queen. It took me years to get over that." Jamie Theakston, Pop Hits.
"If I could have sex with any animal? And it wouldnt be illegal? Well, I've not thought about it before, but a giraffe might be good fun to fuck." Dale Winton, Tv & Satellite Week.
"Yes, okay, scientists have created an enormous super creature which is half goose and half tiger, and if it escaped it could easily eat a town the size of Newcastle in a single meal, but that doesn’t mean that playing God is necessarily a bad thing. We just need to create something now that will kill this monstrous beast." Tony Blair, The Daily Telegraph
"That scene where I ate dog food was my happiest moment on the set yet. Now I love the stuff, and eat it at least five times a day. But I’d warn anyone against eating cat food, it tastes like pig shit." Charlie Brooks, Wow, Soaps, Wow magazine.
"I was so gutted when Jade didn’t win Big Brother that I seriously thought about destroying the entire world. But then the wife talked me out of it." David Beckham, The Sun.
PUBLIC LAVATORY SHOCKER ROCKS THE CELEB-LOVING WORLD
The former pop window-dressing turned footballers' plaything, Victoria Beckham, was sensationally photographed with her knickers round her ankles, up to what can only be described as "mischief". Already the repercussions are proving enormous. Walker's Crisps, who have a worse than average advertising agency, have dropped Posh from their latest campaign. "Anyone who does that kind of thing for the national press is not getting a fat payday from us", read a statement from the formerly gullible Leicester-based heart-attack inducing snack company, last night.
To think, yesterday was just another normal day in the life of David and Victoria, and they are believed to have started off with their usual habit of kicking out last night's prostitute and then having a good helping of Weetabix for breakfast. After this, though, and with David already heading up to Old Trafford for a morning of what is known euphemistically as "training", Posh made the fateful decision to nip out and do a bit of shopping. Leading paparazzi bastard Fingers Molloy takes up the story:
Astonishingly, David Beckham has so far refused to ditch his errant spouse for being compromised in such a terrible way. The lovestruck England midfielder could easily have used this as an excuse to get rid of Victoria and replace her with someone whose pop career is in rather better shape. Even Kylie may have agreed to sleep with him, some say, and why anyone would stick with the mother of their children when given half a chance of bedding the sexier of the Minogue sisters is totally beyond us! Posh herself has so far refused to comment, apart from to issue a firm denial that she had left the cubicle door open so as to ensure that she would be photographed on a rather less glamourous throne than the one she got married on.
Other publicity-hungry celebs have been quick to condemn this latest tabloid outrage. "I can't believe it" said Michael Barrymore after trapping this reporter in a lift so I'd have to listen. "These days I don't get anywhere near the papers unless I become embroiled in a murder enquiry, but that bitch just has to get caught a bit short and the whole world wants to know about it. Why, God, Why?" Well, Michael, it's because you're shit.
PORNMAN ARRESTED AGAIN
Steven Mawley, 27, has been arrested once again after distributing pornography on the streets of London. The lunatic, who has been regularly pretending that he is some kind of porn related superhero by dressing up in a pink lycra suit and distributing soft core pornography to frustrated looking people, was caught on London’s Oxford Street yesterday, after an eighty year old man complained to police that looking at one of the magazines nearly caused him to have sex with himself in the middle of the street.
Chief Inspector Johnny Breeze, 97, issued a statement, um, stating that this kind of behaviour would no longer be tolerated in the nation’s capital. "Whilst in the seventies and eighties this kind of thing might have been more than acceptable, it is now a hideous crime which if it was up to me would be punishable by a severe thirty day testicle whipping. Just think if these pornographic magazines had fallen in to the hands of an innocent teenager, or, even worse, a severely frustrated forty stone woman. It’d be a fucking nightmare, I can tell you."
After bail was set at £2.50, Mawley left the Court outraged. "Would they arrest Superman for saving people’s lives? I think not," Mawley told reporters who had nothing better to do that day. "All I do is give out free pornography to those who look like they really need a shag, and may commit some sex related crime if they dont get some happiness in their lives, and the police bloody well arrest me for it. For Christ’s sake, I should be getting a medal, not a bloody prison sentence."
There has been one final twist to the tale, as it was later revealed that Mawley had been giving out Communist propaganda hidden in the aforementioned jazz mags. "Ah, well, that was a bit of freelance work," Mawley told us, "As after CommunistMan was imprisoned last month no one wanted to do his all important work, so for a fiver I said I would."
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