TWAT AND WIFE SUSPECTED OF 12 MURDERS
Popular chat show host Frank Skinner has admitted that he often achieves orgasm whilst presenting his tv chat show. "I've learnt to do it without even touching myself now, and I have to admit that its bloody great," the comedian said in this week's Radio Times.
"Most of the time I manage to not even smile whilst I cum, so no one ever notices, though the third time during the Britney Spears interview I think she got a bit suspicious when I started screaming "oh god hold me mama."
When questioned if he manages to achieve orgasm during every tv show he appears on, the comedian allegedly smiled cheekily, and said "99% of them, yes, though I never have done it during Skinner and Baddiel Unplanned - just one look at David's fiercely ugly face causes me to feel violently unsexy."
VICAR MARRIES COUPLE ONLINE
A Vicar in the sleepy village of Godalming, Surrey, has caused controversy by marrying a couple, who had only ever chatted on the net and never actually met or seen each other before, online. Rev. Michael Hippsy, 47, performed the ceremony on the chat room of his own church's website, www.lovely-godalming-church.co.uk/ and the couple, known only to each other as kinkyjane12 and spunkyhandful, became officially married at two thirty in the afternoon on Saturday 18th May.
When asked why he performed the service online, Hippsy told us "I fucking hate my job, and I thought that this was the easiest way to get fired. I've always dreamt of drinking animal's piss and living in a tent in a middle of a field somewhere in Scotland, something the Church constantly refused my requests to do. But now I can. Oh yes."
A spokesman for the Church has apologised to the whole world, stating "We're so very, very sorry. We've been praying that they are normal people and not psychotic but also that one of them doesn't turn out to be an animal or a glove puppet or something. But God has yet to answer are prayers."
BOB HOPE DEATH BET MAN KILLS SELF, DOG.
A man who placed all his savings on a bet with his next door neighbour comitted suicide yesterday, accidentally killing his pet dog Rufus during the act.
Lee Stevens, 38, lost $350,000 to his neighbout, after betting that Bob Hope surely must be dead by May 23rd, 2002. He left only a short note, which read "Why wont that old man die? How many others like me will suffer until he does the sensible thing and slice himself to pieces?"
Hope has yet to comment on the story, but a close friend of the star told us "Bob doesnt give a fuck, and isnt intending on dying until America rules the world, which he predicts will happen in 2058."
Police Inspector Charlie Robbins announced at a press conference this morning that "incriminating evidence, including a right breast, have been found at the couple's home," and that "it's hard to imagine
However, this is not the end for the couple's tv career. Channel Four have stated that the pair are contracted to the channel for another two years, and that the show "will be made in Prison if that's the case. We spent a lot of money on these fuckers, and don't think for a second that just because they might be convicted mass murderers that we're going to lose out." And when asked what would happen if Richard was "arse raped" live on tv, C4 responded "Of course we'd show it - and we'd repeat it thirty times a day if enough viewers asked us to too."
Judy protested her innocent last night, screaming down the phone to us "It wasn't us, it was our kids. The little shits are trying to frame us, just because some nights we lock them in a box to keep 'em quiet. Look, I can prov-" Unfortunately at this point we cut her off as we'd got bored, so have no idea what she went on to say.
THATCHER GIVES UP THE GAME
FORMER PM RETURNS TO GROCERY ROOTS
Margaret Thatcher, the former prime minister who was recently voted the sexiest cripple in the world by www.reallysickfucks.com, has returned to her roots after she and her husband Dennis wasted all there money on heroine and cheese.
Accountants informed her of the non-tragedy over a month ago, and now that she is broke, and according to an interview in yesterday's Daily Telegraph preferring not to go back on the game (cf Classic Wish It Were True News) as she is rarely able to function sexually and "just doesn't enjoy it so much anymore", Maggie is now selling fruit and veg as once her father did. Though sadly without his trademark moustache and plastic monkey.
Thatcher reportedly tried many alternative routes of raising money, including infamously selling son Mark too a desperately lonely Russian politician last week, but despite all of her efforts, she is now a working woman again. When asked by The Telegraph why Dennis didn't work, he replied "I would have but I lost my leg the other day, and I still haven't found it."
The former Prime Minister began work at Lovely Fruit and Veg, in London, on Monday, and though the fact that Maggie is rarely able to move and speak has proved to be a setback, owner Marcus Shoon has claimed he doesn't care "So many people in the shop come in to buy tomatoes, which they then chew up and spit in her face, that I should be a millionaire by Christmas at this rate." However, Members of the general public who are considering taunting her with any kind of phallic shaped vegetable (or even fruit for that matter) should be careful - she is armed, and if feels threatened may kill at any time.
"It's a crying shame that the atlas is not nearly as red as once it was," complained Portillo, tearfully. "In
There is support for Portillo's scheming amongst Army generals, who long for the days when there was a battle every week and plenty of medals all round. Even the general public seems to have gotten onto the band-wagon. A recent Gallup Poll suggest that 43% of the electorate favour the dissolution of parliament and direct control of the mechanics of government returning to the sovereign.
All this excitement has threatened to derail the more traditional ways of marking a half century reign, such as the Buckingham Palace concerts and shopping days at 1952 prices. The Queen has commented privately that "It's a little late in life to suddenly change from opening hospitals and attending charity events to becoming absolute ruler of three quarters of the world." She did make a concession though, that "it would be nice for old times sake to give the French a good twatting."
This was all the encouragement that violence-loving Britons needed. "By breakfast time tomorrow we'll probably be at war," said a spokesman for the Calais-bound Royal Marines, happily.
LOCH NESS MONSTER STORY FINALLY PROVED TO BE ONE BIG FAT LIE
Scottish historian James Jimmy Johnson has unearthed proof that the Loch Ness Monster does not infact exist.
Johnson, 37, said "I'm as shocked as every other sane person in the world, and not just those living in Scotland either, but I can swear that it's all true. Whilst I was researching the subject for an upcoming BBC documentary on the Scottish monster, I discovered never before seen documents, which revealed that the Loch Ness monster has never existed at all. Thank god I was near a toilet when I found out."
Johnson went on to tell us that "After reading these documents, the truth quickly became apparent that the Loch Ness Monster myth was one long, fifteen hundred years lasting hoax. They revealed that in the fifth century, what with the harsh weather and violent population who are more likely to rip your head off and steal your teeth than offer you a cup of tea, no one wanted to visit our pathetic country. And so the then head of tourism, Archie Magdon, started to spread rumours that a dinosaur lived in Loch Ness, and spent months swimming around the loch with a big paper mache dinosaur head on. People were much stupider in those days, as science, and, to a less extent, home economics, has now taught us, so it's no surprise that the people believed he was a dinosaur and not a drug addled lunatic."
Whilst much of the world is said to be slightly miffed by the news, but too embarrassed to admit so, Ted Danson, star of the 1995 film Loch Ness, has been particularly vocal. "I cant fucking believe it, I made that movie believing it was all true," the Cheers star told Variety, "every single person I met in Scotland swore on their dead mother's grave to me that the bastard of a monster existed, and now I feel like the biggest fool ever. The king of fools infact. I'm currently in talks with my lawyers, who reckon I've got a great case to sue the shit out of that cunt of a country."
However the current head of Tourism, Archie Magdon the 33rd, has hit out at the story "Johnson made it all up, and faked everything, just because of a sexual relationship he had with Nessie which didn't last as long as he had hoped. I can't believe that anyone could doubt the idea that the only dinosaur left in the world lives in a freezing pond in Scotland. That's just crazier than grown men eating shit, honey."
ORGAN DONORS FACE "CORPSE SEX ORDEAL"
A shocking new report into body's left to medical science has revealed the terrible truth about what happens to the usable bits of victims of the medical condition known as "death". Millions of people around the world carry "Donor cards" in the belief that should they unexpectedly perform a bucket-kicking manoeuvre, their vital organs can be used to give others a chance at ongoing life. However, according to government statistics, there is only a 3% chance of a donor's body being used in this way.
In fact, the odds are ten times greater that the hearts, kidneys and Livers of the recently deceased will be fed to the tigers at London Zoo than they will end up inside another human being. A spokesman for the Regent's Park-based feline killers admitted that this was the case, but defended the situation, claiming "waste not, want not." and going on to point out that big cats have big appetites, so it's very expensive to give them pork or beef.
There was another, less humourous aspect of the same report, however. Apparently, over 50% of all corpses left to medical science end up "missing". It is believed that these ex-people actually find their way into the hands of the Russian mafia, who in turn ship them out to certain states of the former Soviet Union where Necrophilia is the dominant form of sexual congress. The British Authorities seem powerless to act, as unfortunately the whole thing is quite legal.
Our advice? Let's form vigilante action groups and burn down every Hospital in Britain! That should put a stop to the whole "Organ Donor" racket and ensure that our parents and grandparents don't end up as inanimate objects of Kahzakstani lust!!!!
"There are only five people in this world I trust, and four of them no longer have cocks." Geri Halliwell, Blackpool Gazette.
"I was really pissed off that the Queen didn't invite me to the Jubilee concert. I had nothing planned that night either. All I did in the end was stay in and wank." Cat Deeley, The Daily Mirror.
Click here to read the previous edition of Wish It Were True? News.
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