Controversial underground news website www.thisisthenewsrightnowsocomeandgetityoufuckers.com is facing yet more legal problems after printing a story on Monday claiming that Prince Harry is a criminal mastermind responsible for the majority of all illegal actions in the last decade.
According to the website, his drugs usage is just the tip of a blood stained crime iceberg, and that ever since the age of seven Harry has been robbing banks, murdering animals, and
Michael Eavis surprised at least seven people last night by announcing the news that the dead popstar Aaliyah is to headline this year’s Glastonbury Festival.
“I know it’s a controversial choice,” Eavis said, “but she’s undoubtedly the hottest thing around at the moment, and with our plan to attach her corpse to several ropes, and jig her around whilst a tape plays her album in the background, well, I’m sure the drug crazed idiots who attend the festival won’t even realise she’s deceased.”
ANISTON APOLOGY
We wish to wholeheartedly apologise to Mrs Jennifer Aniston, 42, after a story we printed last year accusing her of eating several small children upset her severely.
We now realise that there is absolutely no truth in the allegations that she daily swallowed live kids, and know now that she had no involvement in the disappearance of several large children's homes.
The story has now been removed from the site, and the said writer has been shot. Twice. Just to make sure, like.
SHIPMAN & HINDLEY TO RELEASE XMAS SINGLE
Anyone and everyone with a decent set of moral values has been appalled by the news that murderers Harold Shipman and Myra Hindley have recorded a duet via the usage of a 'telephone', which is to be released the week before Christmas.
The two became close friends after discovering a mutual love of killing, and according to prison insiders, exchange letters, phone calls and small bottles of saliva on a daily basis.
"This is sick shit nonsense," William Hague said earlier, "And I implore Tony Blair to ban this record now. And if he doesn't, I cant promise I wont try to fuck him."
The website, which last year paid out over £200,000 after a report that Tony Blair regularly masturbated over pictures of kitchen cutlery turned out to be false, has claimed that it has evidence to support it’s claims this time, including CCTV footage of the young Prince arguing about money with Dr Harold Shipman, who he regularly paid to kill the elderly. “He’s always hated anyone over the age of sixty,” the undisclosed source claimed, “mainly because of The Queen and her refusal to abdicate and make his father the King. So he started paying Shipman to knock off the elderly in the hope that Her majesty would flee the country fearing that she may be next. Unfortunately, the good Doctor got caught before this could happen.”
The source went on to list a huge catalogue of crimes that Harry may or may not be involved in, before suggesting that Harry was in someway involved with the death of Princess Diana. “Whilst he clearly wasn’t in Paris at the time, it was Harry who bought her the novel ‘Crash’ by J.G. Ballard, and got her interested in auto-erotic deaths in the first place. Make of that what you will.”
The Palace have been quick to deny all of the claims, stating “Prince Harry has never done anything wrong in his entire life, bar smoking a bit of a drugstick, and drinking ten litres of strong alcohol a day. Oh, and he quite likes wearing his Grandmother’s dresses. But that’s not a crime, is it? Anyway, we're going to sue that website, sue it till it cries tears of ten pound notes.”
ITV ANNOUNCES SPRING SCHEDULE
Due to ITV's new commissioning editor believing the station are attracting the wrong type of person, this season is appealing to the more upper echelons of society, whilst retaining the 'reality Tv' formats which have proved to be so successful.
Shows planned include "Mansions from Hell" and "Penthouses from Hell", "It Shouldn't Happen to a Government Minister / Director General of a Major TV Network / Child of the Queen,” “Michael Barrymore’s My Kind of Posh People” and the crown jewel of the season "When Royal’s Attack!!" which features new footage of The Queen beating the homeless.
In related news, BBC Choice has already got it's schedule planned for next spring too. New shows hitting our screens include: Libraries, a continuation from the documentary/witty insight into Toilets shown the previous year; whilst Johnny Vaughan drops one peg below "'Orrible" and "Johnny Vaughan Tonight" to bring a new game show combining the game of chess with erotic fantasy. The show is expected to be titled "Vaughan-o's Pawn-o's", with Paul Ross producing, and a mostly naked Carol Vorderman co-hosting.
The cut-throat world of electrical retail was left with blood pouring out of a freshly slashed jugular yesterday, and the fatally injured neck belongs to none other than the world's second richest man, Microsoft supremo Bill Gates. The metaphorically brutal attack was carried out by independent experts, who have revealed that the company's new games console, the X-box, is not quite what it's cracked up to be.
Another boffin, and fellow patient at Broadmoor's elite "Basketcase Wing", Sir Duncan Saunders, fully endorse his colleagues opinions. "Never have the public been so misled," he shouted at me in a supermarket on my day off. "The processor is an old 486, the graphics card comes from the Atari ST. In fact, some of the parts in this machine are so out of date the games have to be in black and white!"
The X-box, which has recently launched in America to rave reviews, is also getting into trouble from parents watchdog groups, concerned that the radioactivity of the disk drive, described as "nothing to worry about" by a Microsoft spokesman, is in fact causing children’s teeth to fall out. Furthermore, there have been several reports of X-boxes exploding with the force of nine sticks of dynamite, destroying houses and injuring pets. Again, Microsoft are dismissive, saying that spontaneous combustion has happened 3 times in known human history already, so statistically, another 5,201 occurences all in X-box containing homes is no more than an interesting anomaly. "Anyway," said the oily liar. "We've sold over 20,000 X-boxes, so you only have a 25% chance of dying horrifically when you buy one of these excellent products."
Despite all this, the evidence is that the European launch of the X-box seems set to still be a great success. "Well, I'll be buying several," said Professor Sinclair, during a bed bath. "Because despite the fact I know with absolute certainty that it's a terrible, terrible piece of hardware, some of the screen shots for the games look really good. A bit monochrome, sure, but hey, that's just makes them more arty!"
VIEWERS UPSET BY SIR CLIFF’S TALIBAN RAMBLINGS
The normally honest and good-natured pop singer Sir Cliff Richard’s shocking outburst during his performance on ITV’s “Oh God Please Kill Me It’s Another Celebrity Christmas Party Special” last night has upset thousands of viewers, who have all complained by using various telephones. Cliff upset these people, and possibly several others, by telling presenters Ant, Dec and Gary Glitter that he believed that the war in Afghanistan was infact “wrong” and that the Taliban are “really, really nice people, who I’d share a non-alcoholic drink with anytime.”
The nearly dead celebrity went to talk his new-found beliefs, despite Ant and Dec’s violent attempts to silence him. “I know a lot of people say that the Taliban are nasty, perhaps even evil, but unfortunately they’re what’s known in the music business as ‘fucking stupid’. The media have mis-reported the situation completely, and if they had any friends in the Taliban, like I have, they’d soon find out the truth about this horrific war.”
A shocked and mostly bald audience failed to even scream as Cliff went on to say “So, okay, they did destroy the World Trade Centre, but they fully admit it was a mistake – Osama Bin Laden’s best friend told me personally that they meant to fly those planes to Cuba where they planned to have a special all night party, with top bands like Toploader and Genesis playing, but unfortunately the pilot’s went blind and lost their way and hit those buildings by accident.”
“And the whole thing about females being treated like animals against their will is nonsense too – these enlightened women actually begged to be treated like that – after realising that men are actually Gods who should be worshipped by all creatures, be they human or non-human, male or female. And if I have my way, one day all women will live in big steel cages and service men twenty three hours a day. Well, they’ve got to have time to eat, haven’t they?”
Fortunately at this point the show went in to an un-planned advert break, and when it returned Richard had been captured by Ant and a huge net, and removed from the building. The Independent Television Commission is currently investigating the incident, and an insider informed us that “ITV are pretty likely to be given a ball whipping as a punishment.”
"I know a lot of people say that being able to sexually satisfy a woman is very important, but I just can't be bothered. It takes far too long, and it tastes fucking horrible."
George Bush Snr, The Times.
"I once wrote to Jimmy Saville asking if he'd fix it for me to have a blow job from Samantha Fox. He never replied. But I'm still optimistic. One day...One day he'll write back."
Todd Carty, Wow! Soaps! Wow! Weekly.
"Sorry, sorry, I can't talk now, Richie from Five's on one of his cocaine hunts, and I dont want him to take mine."
Lee from Steps, Liquid News.
"I've eaten cheese, and I've eaten biscuits, but never at the same time. So I guess I've still got that to look forward too." - Mick Jagger, The Daily Mail.
"Two squirrels were fighting in the park, and I joined in and never saw the hamster. And yeah, the RSPCA blame me for the deaths of all three animals, but I swear it wasnt my fault, and if I can find that mysterious man who videoed the whole event, I know I can prove my innocence." Shaun Ryder, NME.
"Ha ha ha. No, no, that's all lies. It is utterly possible that I killed Hitler." Elton John, The Times.
Pop star Emma Bunton has surprised her many overweight male fans by giving up music and joining the army.
According to an official RAF source “Bunton arrived in the middle of the night, armed to the teeth and with an attitude the likes of which I haven’t seen since General McInnery went mad and shot all those geese. I’ve never been so excited in my life.”
Bunton, the least talentless of the Spice Girls, contacted the press association yesterday and issued the following statement explaining her dramatic decision: “Bin Laden is pop’s greatest enemy, and if he were to win, and it could easily happen if reports of nuclear powered cow missiles are true, then all western music would be destroyed, and I’d probably be forced to work in a field, picking broccoli or carrots, instead of releasing beautiful music which makes the world a better
Whilst Bunton is currently the only pop star to join the army, it is expected that many will now follow suit: “Popstars can’t help but copy each other,” The Sun’s showbiz editor told us, “I mean, look at how many members of Boyzone shaved off their pubic hair after Robbie did his. So I wouldnt be surprised if over 200,000 of the talentless bastards join the forces after this."
Holland’s once top rated quiz show, Who Wants To Win A Whore? (first reported on way back in March 2000) is to offer British actress Elizabeth Hurley as their top prize after ratings began dramatically falling earlier this year.
“We really needed to really pull something special out of the whorebag to save the show,” executive producer Jason King shouted at us earlier, “as we’d tried everything to improve ratings, even going so far as to offer girls who would stay for a month, and even clean and cook for the winner. But that did nothing to help us, and people stopped applying to be on the
“So it was around about then that I realised that only a huge Hollywood celeb would save the day. So we phoned up the obvious US stars, like Sharon Stone, Kim Bassinger and Drew Barrymore, who are all known for their easyness over here in Holland, but they turned us down as they’re currently too frightened to open their legs incase Osama Bin Laden puts a bomb up there.”
“We were just about to cancel the show, and run off to Mexico with all the profits, when out of the blue, Hugh Grant phoned us up and said that Liz would be more than happy to spend an hour of her sex life with even the ugliest foreigner. Contracts were signed a couple of months ago, and the special one off show will be recorded next week.”
Despite recently announcing that she is pregnant, Hurley is contractually obliged to appear on Who Wants To Win A Whore, and risks twenty years in jail under harsh Dutch entertainment laws brought in last year. “I’m sure having sex won’t harm her unborn baby,” host Asgar Larsseining told us earlier, “even if she is hung upside down and forced at cheese grater point to perform lurid sexual acts. And even if it does, who really cares?”
Larsseining has no need to worry though, as Hurley is surprisingly excited about appearing on the show. Speaking on Dutch cable channel, VJK1, she said “It should be great – I love having sex with complete strangers for money. I think it was a habit I formed after the Divine Brown incident, because Hugh often forced me at gunpoint to dress up as a prostitute and stand around on street corners whilst he’d drive around looking for a discreet place to fondle me. Sometimes though, he just never turned up, so I used to do anyone who was around. And I loved every moment of it. Well, bar the ten seconds I spent with John Prescott, obviously.”
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