John Cusack, Nicholas Cage and Charlie Sheen were among 32 celebrities arrested last weekend for vomiting animals whilst at a secret Hollywood party celebrating the failure of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon’s careers
The new trend, known as ‘Vole Chucking’, has swept the whole of the US, and more and more famous people are seeing how long they can keep one or more voles in their mouths before throwing them up - after they can't take swallowing anymore hair, urine and shit.
Police Detective Chuck Manwitch, 45, was first on the scene, and claimed he almost lost all his skin through fright. “It was disgusting, foul monster shit that I didn’t think took place anymore,” he said, yesterday, “Seeing two vole’s and a packet of half eaten chocolate hobnobs fall out of John Cusack’s hairy gob, whilst Nic Cage tried to insert a small cat in his mouth to impress everyone, well christ, it’s enough to turn someone dead.”
Music industry insider's are predicting that tv pop band Hear'say may be dead by christmas time after discovering a clause hidden in their contract. If the band do not have five number one hits by the end of the year they will be legally required to committ suicide together live on ITV's CD:UK infront of a laughing Ant and Dec.
BRIT BETTER AFTER DOG HELL
Britney Spears is recovering well after being ripped apart by savage dogs last week. At a press conference from her hospital bed yesterday she told the press "Who needs two legs anyway? I'm sure my fans will like my new hopping centered dancing just as much."
Fears that the trend may spread to the UK were on the rise last night after eight youngsters were found with small mice between their teeth. The youths, aged between 3 and 6, are currently in custody, awaiting painful truth beatings.
DRUNK OLD MAN TO HOST NEW C5 SPRINGER SHOW
Old Stanley Hopkins, 87, is to host a new daily series for Channel Five from October this year.
The new series, simply to be known as ‘Hopkins!’, is to be based on the familiar ‘Jerry Springer’ chat formula, with members of the public admitting their tacky problems infront of the entire nation.
According to Channel Five, the show won’t simply be a rehash of Brit faves Trisha, Kilroy, and to a lesser extent, Esther. “The twist is Stanley. He’s the whole show, with his severe deafness, shouting, and unique homophobic, racist and misogynistic beliefs, we’re sure the whole nation will love him in a matter of days,” one C5 executive told us, “and the way he solves issues so quickly, with short, patronising and dismissive comments, well, he could solve all the problems in the world given a couple of years.”
ITV early morning chat show host Trisha is said not to be concerned by the news of a rival In today’s Daily Telegraph she stated “Who cares if Hopkins is a success? I’ll just kill the old fucker if someone threatens to cancel my show.”
‘Hopkins!’ producers would like to hear from you if you suffer from any irrational fears, an inability to stop laughing at your mother’s giant arse, or you just fancy really old men, for inclusion in future programmes. You can contact them on 020007 843223443129.
STEPS STAR DATES OLD WOMAN
The pop world have been slightly sickened by the news that Lee from Steps is dating Dora Ringwald, a seventy-three year old woman from near Watford.
Lee reportedly met Dora Ringwald whilst playing Bingo, and after he failed to win anything, she consoled him in her dilapidated vagina. The couple have now been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now.
At a press conference given about two hundred and thirty seconds ago, the UK based popstar claimed: “I don’t understand why the press are upset – its not like shes an eight year old child or some sort of animal – she’s just a human being who deserves to be loved like the rest of us. And besides, I’ve checked she’s clean. Anyway, I really love her, and for all I care the whole world can go to stinking hell.”
Unconfirmed rumours that the old whore will become the sixth member of the band have been denied by fellow band mate ‘H’ though: “As we’ve said so many times before,” he said, “the only person we’d consider as a possible sixth member is Phil Collins. And he keeps on telling us to stop phoning him.”
The latest US quiz to prove a hit with viewers has been criticised for torturing contestants. In "Shock Win' ten contestants are all wired to large electric shock machines which briefly electrocutes them when the get a question wrong. "If someone real stupid was on it, they could get killed real easy," one American politician claimed.
HORSE TV TO LAUNCH SOON
A brand new channel devoted to showing you footage of horses 24 hours a day is due to be launched next week on the 19th April. So expect all your upper class type friends to set their video for eight pm, when the station begins with 'The Joy of Horse Sex', though the squeamish may want to turn off during 'slaughter hour' at midnight.
Noel Gallagher has reportedly hidden in a very small hole made out of mud, whilst Liam is in a skip somewhere, after hearing the news that a recording of a 1991 episode of Family Fortunes is doing the media rounds.
The episode, presented by Les Dennis, features The Gallagher family as contestants battling against The Magwagwin Family, who easily won the angst ridden contest.
Farmers across England have been outraged by the news that Gary OIdman and Julia Roberts are planning to turn the foot and mouth crisis in to a film comedy. "It's fucking deranged and scary behaviour, and if they're not careful they're going to get shot. Quite possibly by me, infact." One farmer informed us.
The Gallagher brothers have a legal right to feel embarrassed by the television programme as throughout the episode the answer’s they gave are even more embarrassing than the usual tired speakwank that features on the programme. Whilst we have yet to view the programme, a tired and drunk woman handed us this transcript of two sections from the programme on the tube to work this morning, which go someway to explain the Gallagher’s brother's hiding shenanigans.
“Les: Name something children don’t take very good care of?
Liam: Scaring old ladies in to not going to the police
Noel: Cleaning wank stains off of duvet covers. “
“Les: Name something in the kitchen a male nudist would use to hide his embarrassment
Liam: Some bird’s cunt
Noel: Are you taking the fucking piss – aren’t all the questions supposed to be fucking easy?
Les: Now Noel, it’s a family show, fun for kids and old people
Noel: And where the fuck is Dusty Bin?
Les: Ha, ha, I think you’ve got the wrong programme there….”
Noel: Wait a fucking minute. You’re not fucking Ted Rogers. What have you done with him you cunt?
Les: Errrr, Security?
Challenge Tv are due to broadcast the episode later this month, “or at a later date if we don’t get round to it,” their spokesperson informed us.
ICKE RIGHT – QUEEN IS A LIZARD
The Queen has surprised at least several of her loyal subjects by announcing the fact that she is a twelve foot lizard.
“One saw that documentary on Channel Four on Sunday, and thought it was one’s time to come out with the truth. David Icke is right, and has been ever since the night one tried to seduce him and he refused to mount one’s leathery hide.” Were the words that came out of her mouth.
DOG JUGGLING ON THE RISE AGAIN
Police have once again asked tourists not to give any money to homeless people juggling dog’s as the craze is once again on the increase.
“Whilst dog juggling may look extremely funny to the average drunken foreigner,” said Chief Inspector Julian Larson, “It often fucks up dog’s intestines leading to irritable bowel syndrome and finally irritable bowel related death and surely no one wants that. Or do they? Doo theeeey?”
Our Favourite Celebrity Ramblings This Month:
"Society's crumbling around our very eyes, and the marriage between Evans and Billie proves this. What next? Parkinson and Charlotte Fucking Church?"
Tony Blair, Prime Minister's Question Time
"What's a penguin?"
Christina Aguilera, Pop Smash Weekly
"And even if no one's ever heard of us in five years time, at least I'll still be able to tell people that I once made love to Emma Bunton's shoe."
Noel Sullivan, Hear'say, Smash Hits.
"If only the Krankies' were still on tv, then people would be happy."
John Prescott, Pies Monthly.
"I charge people to look at my tits these days. What? Oh, five quid with the bra on, and a tenner with it off."
Charlie Dimmock, Gardener's Bi-Monthly.
"Juggling pubic hairs, now some say that's difficult, but I'm proud to say that I've managed it."
Woody Allen, The Art's Review.
OVER 100 MILLION CUTE FURRY PETS MAY HAVE TO BE DESTROYED.
In a press conference that may or may not have taken place earlier today, Tony Blair said: "I know it's a great tragedy that hamsters are the latest animals to become horribly killed by this disease, and that our children may never properly recover from the psychogical scars it'll leave and function like normal people, but on the upside, please try to think of the fun you could have by stamping on them all day without being arrested."
If, like many other unemployed types, you feel outraged by these events, or merely just slightly miffed, The Hamster Liberation Front can be contacted at: http://www.redrival.com/hlf/
MARCH 2001 OFFICIALLY HISTORY'S UNFUNNIEST MONTH EVER.
Humourists, satirists and sad overweight fuckers sat infront of their computers the world over have been shocked by the lack of supposedly amsuing events taking place in the world during the month of March 2001. Scientists investigating the phenomenon said "August 1785 was pretty bad, and a lot of people are too frightened to talk about December 1802 even now, but this has been the unfunniest month we've ever had by far." When asked for any vague explanations, they blamed the bad weather, citing "it's a known fact that if the weather's bad for over six months, people just stop being funny."
Off the record, however, one scientist went on to tell our reporter "I don't think that it was just the weather though. I blame the BBC. Forcing innocent people-like people to watch crap like Lee Evans latest arseache and 'It's Only Tv But I Like It', well, no wonder everybody's been so solemn." However we were later told by another scientist that this was all in fact a mixture of various kinds of shit. "He's lying, the little turd. Infact I proved last night that the reason March was so un-hilarious is because the world has finally grown up a little at last.”
Whilst the rest of the world is now uncertain over this whole tragic event, journalists who claimed that this story was written just to clumsily explain why there has been no comedy pages added to this site in the last few months have been repeatedly stabbed in the back, so unfortunately we'll never know if they were telling the truth.
POLICE QUESTION OLIVER OVER DRUG REFERENCE
Police were yesterday investigating claims that tv chef Jamie Oliver endoreses the smoking of cannabis in his advert for the supermarket chain Sainsbury's. Over one hundred complaints have been received by the Advertising Standards Association, most of which refer to Oliver's use of the word 'munchies'.
"We are currently investigating this issue," Detective John Hardash informed us earlier, "As it's recently been scientifically proved that 'muchies' is a term only used by drug users on a 'hunger binge' and that by using the term in the advert, Oliver may well be accidently publicly admitting that he's a 'drugs criminal'."
Oliver has been permanently surrounded by the media ever since the story broke, but the only statement he has made so far has been "Why don't you just all fuck off".
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