The people of Seattle are learning to deal with a life of fear as one of their most famous neighbours, Microsoft billioniare Bill Gates, has publicly proclaimed his love for the potentially fatal spore.
In an interview with SHOOT magazine, the man behind Windows had this to say about the deadly Anthrax parcel his company's base in Reno had recently received: "Great! Usually I have to pay top dollar to get my Anthrax, so for someone to send it to me for free is pretty amazing. I must be the luckiest man in the world."
Gates went on to explain his love of the world-famous biological weopon. "It's really tangy," said the bespectacled entrepreneur. "It's quite like sherbert, but with that extra kick. I tried practically every powder known to man, legal and otherwise, and this is my all-time favourite."
The ghastly news that the world has been praying would never happen was tragically announced earlier today, when Chris Evans told near-hysterical hosts on ITV's This Morning programme that he and his now fat wife are to duet on a cover version of 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light'.
"It'll be so fucking great that even your senile grandparent's will buy it," Evans went on to say, "And if they don't, I'll have them executed."
WHAM TO REFORM
George Michael has promised to reform Wham after finding Andrew Ridgely living in a carboard box near London.
"I never knew he'd sunken to such depths," Michael told us, "and when I saw him performing oral sex on a disturbingly ugly person, I knew it was time for to reform Wham for one last special concert."
Ridgely was over the moon after hearing the news: "I was going to kill myself tomorrow, but now I dont think I will," he said.
ATOMIC KITTEN BUY NEW HAIR
According to industry insiders, all three members of top pop band Atomic Kitten have purchased new hair.
"They were sick to death of their old hair, you see," an employee of the band told us exlusively, "it was full of bits of sick, chocolate and god knows what. Now they've bought hair off of some seven year old girls in a park, and they've never been happier."
Although highly controversial, the world's richest man is by no means the only person to share the view that the media is giving a falsely negative view of Anthrax. The junkie and musician Shaun Ryder has argued that "So far only one person has died of the disease. The worst most people get is a bit of skin irritation. Far more people die through eating peanuts then will ever get sent to heaven by powdered Anthrax."
Experts in this country have been quick to condemn Ryder, claiming that his reference to peanuts has given Osama Bin Laden another weapon with which he could attack western civilisation, and also mentioning that the Happy Mondays were not very good. But these self-same experts are also confident that the scenes of hysteria caused by outbreaks in the US will not be repeated here. Perhaps, they say, Britain's best defence against Anthrax is our very own Royal Mail. With standard delivery times, any "powder in the post" is going to be well past it's sell-by date by the time anyone actually opens it.
Once great Snooker player Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgin’s has hit out at a new brand of cigarettes from Misholacolo Incorporated, makers of the infamously unpopular ‘Make Your Own Cancer Sticks’ tobacco, which state that they can help men stop being so bloody shit in the bedroom department.
In a press release from the corporation, scientist’s behind the new product, currently called ‘Non-Spurters’, state that all cigarettes improve a man’s sexual performance due to causing a lack of blood in the important rude parts, which could help stop, or at
Higgin’s, who has famously smoked over one hundred and sixty fags a day for the last forty years, has hit out at the cigarette manufactures, calling them ‘shit talkers’ and claiming “I’ve smoked more fags than anyone currently alive, yet still come like a horse within two second’s of seeing a ladies special part’s naked. They called me Hurricane Higgin’s long before I picked up a snooker cue, y’know.”
He went on to announce his intentions on taking Misholacolo Incorporated to court: “They’ve broken the trade’s description act, the one last great governmental act that still means something in this country, and I’m not going to let them get away with it.”
But Todd Moof, Misholacolo Incorporated’s CEO, has denied Higgins’ accusations though: “How can you trust the word’s of a man who now plays snooker with rabbits instead of balls? You can’t. It’s as simple as that. Our chief scientist has just informed me that if you were to smoke three cigarettes whilst performing ‘sex’, it’d make you the best lover in the world. Yes, even better than George Best, and I believe him. And I should know – George was the best lover I’ve ever had.”
In related news, Cadbury’s are also hoping to improve the sales of a product by claiming it make’s you a better lover. Crunchie bar’s are to be relaunched later this year, with the tag line ‘Strap a Crunchie to your Cock, and sex will be probably be much better.’
MOTH KILLING HOUSE ATTACKED IN US
A house packed full of moths in the US has come under attack for exploiting insects. ‘The Crazy Kill Kill Moth House’ in Ohio has become one of the US’s top attractions in recent days, as it allows paying visitors to attempt to kill as many moths as possible within half an hour.
“After the recent New York tragedy, and the outbreak of war, the average American has even more pent up anger and frustration than usual,” a spokesman for The Crazy Kill Kill Moth House informed us, “and after someone noticed that close up a moth’s face looks a bit like Osoma Bin Laden, ticket sales have been through the roof.”
But Steve Jeeneetski, an Animal Rights protestor has objected strongly to the tourist attraction: “Moth’s have feelins too, you know, and even if that’s not even slightly true, it should be. This type of moth mass murder, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Hitler’s school days, is wrong. Just wrong. American’s should be concentrating all their energies in to sending out psychic hate mail to Bin Laden, and not just taking it out on innocent little moths. Only then will we have a chance of winning the war.”
Woody Allen has been cast in Red Dragon, the Silence of the Lambs prequel, as Hannibal Lector’s son. “He’s hilarious. A comedy-horror genius!” director Ridley Scott told us, “I defy anyone not to laugh when he eat’s one of the policemen’s bowels. If only I was a really, really young lady, then I’d be fucking him right now.”
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Industry experts have predicted that if ITV continues to grow shittier at the rate it has over the last ten years, by 2007 no one will watch the channel at all. "Since Morse died, and they replaced Roy Walker with that other bloke in Catchphrase, quality control at ITV has been spiralling ever downwards," Carlton Boss John Mackston told us, "and if it continues I think viewers would rather watch me take a shit and then eat it rather than watch the turgid nonsense the channel produces."
NEW US SITCOM KILLS TWO
A new US sitcom, 'buds', is reportedly responsible for the death of two university professors at Harvard. "When they saw that it was just another friends-lite sitcom that made no one laugh," a close friend of the two academics told us, "They decided life was, and always will be from now on, utterly pointless. And thus they stabbed each other to death with really big scissors."
The glitzy world of global politics was left reeling today when a junior researcher for ITV Ulster accidentally stumbled across the horrifying truth about the supposed divide between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland.
The researcher, Traci Lords, a former porn star turned low-paid worker in regional telly, had been compelled by her own lack of status to rent a cheap studio flat in the Ardoyne area of North Belfast. Whilst living in this area she was mistaken for a hardline Nationalist parent and was briefed in a letter about her part in the upcoming disturbances by publicist Max Clifford!
Traci, who's searing report is to be broadcast later this year on ITV1's flagship current affairs show RICH & FAMOUS, told Wish It Were True? News: "Yes - it's true. I've spoken to all they key players in the Northern Ireland assembly and when faced with my evidence they've all admitted that decades of terrorism and bitterness were in fact 'a white lie'."
Gerry Adams, President of Sinn Fein, Tells traci on the programme "Most people in the world think of Ireland in terms of the Republic and the UK in terms of England, so we had to do something to raise our profile. It was going to be drug trafficking but Colombia had that pretty much sewn up. In the end we opted for the old 'two communities at war' gambit, and it's been plain sailing all the way. True there were teething difficulties, such as when the Israelis nearly sued us for stealing their idea, and that period in the 70s when Martin McGuinness was dating Princess Anne, but generally me and Ian Paisley have had the whole thing well under control."
After expressing surprise that Mr Adams was seemingly colloborating with Rev. Paisley, the bearded IRA bloke laughed heartily and responded: "There is a public perception of Ian and as a Presbyterian fanatic whose very existence seriously questions our island's claim to be rabies free, but in private he's very different. Quiet, kind, charming, and also much thinner."
Paisley, who has himself commented that the only good thing about being exposed as a fraud is that he can stop being rude about his old football buddy, the Pope, now looks set to disband his political party, The Democratic Unionist Party, or maybe merge it with John Hume's SDLP. The Northern Ireland first minister, David Trimble has himself resigned from the Ulster Unionist Party leadership and is preparing to launch a singing career by teaming up with Ronan Keating on a cover version of The Scorpion's Wind of Change.
A spokesman for the British Prime Minister welcomed Ms Lords' revelations. "Tony is delighted, but not exactly suprised. After all, when you look at it, all the people in Northern Ireland live in an enlightened, affluent democracy. It's been his suspicion for some time that the divisions were trumped up by interested parties as a means of attracting international attention, since as a religious, ethnic or social struggle it's frankly always seemed a bit needless and pathetic. Apart from when they tried to blow up Thatcher. That was great. Good on you Gerry and Ian, the Guinness is on us!"
"I'll rejoin the Spice Girl's when Victoria apologises for the turd incident. Until then, it'll never happen." Mel B, Pop magazine.
"Obviously I was very upset about the World Trade Centre disaster, I mean, who wasn't, but to me, when they brought back Crossroads without Benny, well, that was much more of a tragedy." Barbara Windsor, Knit Your Own Combat Gear Monthly.
"If Darius was to have a top 20 hit, I think I'd committ suicide - but only as long as it didnt hurt." Kerry from Atomic Kittien, Daily Mirror.
"Yes, yes, I suppose I would shag Ann Widdicombe if it meant getting a major record contract. But only from behind, though, obviously." Rick Astley, Record Collector.
"Thank God Richard and Judy left ITV, that's all I can say - now I manage to get out of the house in the morning without masturbating at least twice a month." Jeremy Paxman, Radio Times.
"We won World War II? Really? But all my life I've worshipped Hitler." Emma Bunton, Heat.
"We only won 5-1 because of me. I promised to blow the whole team if they won by that much, y'see. But of course I didn't do it myself. I just dressed David up in a wig and short skirt. " Victoria Beckham, The Sun.
"Sure, the hard drugs, hairy naked women, and general insanity of making heavy metal music gets me down. Thats why I made this sock puppet, Mr Chewey, to cheer me up whenever I'm depressed." Marilyn Manson, NME.
"One day all music will be written, produced and sung by Ant and Dec. I'm really, really, really sure of it." Tony Blair, The Times.
"I think I got too drunk at the Kerrang awards. I certainly don't remember shooting myself in the penis." Coby Dick, Papa Roach, Kerrang.
"Of course it's all an act - I could run the whole fucking country if I wanted to. But I prefer being a ditzy blonde with enormous breasts. If Tony Blair could swap places with me I'm sure - Oh god. Please help me. Please. I just can't stop talking shit." Jordan, The Sun.
"The best thing about fame? Well, its got to be the fuckloads of cocaine and acid I take before every show." Charlotte Church, Daily Telegraph.
"The worst thing that ever happened to me was finding spunk in my shoe. If I ever find out who did that, I'll rip their fucking throats out, and remove their spleen with my bare hands." Emma Bunton, Smash Hits.
"No, I never snogged Vanessa Feltz. That was Mark Owen. And he only did it because he was on LSD." Robbie Williams, The Times.
After the sensational 5 - 1 England victory in Munich, the German F.A. have announced that it's "giving up". In a late-night press conference, the German national coach, Rudi Voller, commented "What's the bloody point?" before adding. "The England fans were right. We are shit and we do know we are."
Legendary world-cup winning player and manager Franz Beckenbauer, known throughout the world as "The Kaiser", welcomed the decision. "In my day the German football team were up there with Brazil, Argentina and Holland as the best of the best. The defeat to the English simply emphasised just how far we've fallen. Better to concentrate on sports such as baseball, which may be boring and crappy but at least we'd still have a chance. We don't bother with wars anymore since we kept losing them, and it's the same situation with football matches now."
A key member of the current German team, Dieter Hamann, also a familiar figure in the Premiership, soon joined the chorus of approval. "Frankly, I can do without the embarrassment," He said, smilingly. "I'm very lucky to be good enough to compete with English players when I have a few of the Liverpool lads helping me, but with no-one but fellow countrymen like Carsten Jancker to play with the humiliation is just too much!"
The only dissenting voice so far has been that of former Tottenham favourite Jurgen Klinsmann, who as recently as 1996 received the European Championship trophy from Her Majesty the Queen. "I think it's a bit of an over-reaction," complained the White Hart Lane legend. "After all we did beat them at Wembley last year, and we still would have qualified for the World Cup through the play-offs."
Voller and the rest of the national set-up, though, are adamant. "I played with Jurgen in the German team for a many years, " said the tearful coach. "I remember just how unbeatable we used to be. But now... For the dignity of our nation there is no option but withdrawal. And possibly suicide."
Steve McClaren, Middlesbrough boss and a key figure in the England hierarchy was quick to react with jubilation to the news. "I'm glad we've driven are arch-rivals out of the game!" He crowed. "But we're not a team to rest on our laurels. Sven's already making plans to take on the French at the Stade de France... And give them a hiding they'll never forget!!"
PRINCESS OF OUR HEARTS REANIMATED!
The whole entire world, if not the universe, cried out in a singular scream of joy this afternoon after it was revealed on the BBC One O’ Clock News that a mad professor has brought Princess Diana back from the dead.
“I know many thought Branagh’s Frankenstein was an overlong piece of shit,” Mulson told the media earlier, “but when I saw it I got so excited that I haven’t been able to sleep since. And that was seven years ago. Anyway, I knew that I, and I alone, could build a machine to bring dead people back to life, and last Friday, just after lunch I finally finished it. When I informed the government they immediately told me I had
Fortunately Princess Diana’s body was in immaculate condition, apart from horrific scarring, as she was cryogenically frozen minutes after she died. “I think the Government always knew that in the future the technology would become available to bring back dead people, even if by then we were twelve foot giants who only spoke Martian. Thus they froze her so that one day she could bring her special kind of love back to the world.” Mulson went on tell us.
Princess Diana has yet to make any public appearances, and Professor Mulson claims that whilst he has taught her to walk and shake hands, unfortunately her overall state is currently zombie like, and the only word she has yet managed to utter has been "brains", which she repeats constantly until fed on the uncooked heads of cows and pigs.
“I doubt if anyone will care about her lack of speech,” Mulson said, “and if I can teach her to say ‘landmines’, I’m sure no one will notice anyway.”
Unfortunately, the Queen collapsed and later died upon hearing the news of Princess Diana’s reanimation. And sadly no attempt was made to resuscitate her because no one cared.
However, both Prince’s William and Harry are said to be ecstatic after taking class A drugs upon hearing the news. “I fucking love it!” Harry told the BBC, “Mum’s back as a lunatic zombie, and it’s great. Now we plan to manufacture an army of zombies which she will lead, and we will take over the world, plunging it in to a kind of uncivilised chaos the like of which hasn’t been seen since the seventies.”
When asked if they hadn’t any plans to bring back the Queen, the pair were adamant that this would never happen “I spent too many hours over her knee being slapped for minor offences such as servant killing and forcing dogs to snort cocaine, and I’m well glad the bitch is dead,” Harry said, whilst William muttered “I just can’t wait to stamp on all of her fucking corgi’s. And Prince Phillip.”
Plans to bring back pop singer Aaliyah from the dead have been delayed however, after it was discovered that Princess Diana has no control over her bowels. “We can’t have a dead pop singer shitting on stage infront of millions of her fans, after all,” her record company said, “Well, certainly not a female one anyway, that would be disgusting. If Eminem were to die, well, then that’d be a different matter all together.”
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