We've physically and sexually assaulted many a tv insider to bring you a guide to what should be the tv highlights of 2005.
January : Parent’s across Britain will watch in horror at Richard and Judy’s latest attempts to be “Down With The Kids” as the tragic twosome recreate Ian Brady and Myra Hindley’s Moor killings – but with jokes straight out of Bo Selecta. “Anyone else would have been crucified, but as it was Richard and Judy we’ll settle for a quick beating” will be the words spilling out of Heat Magazine Editor Boyd Hilton’s mouth.
February : Chavs will laugh themselves silly this month as Dawn French stuffs down a live emu on “Who? In the Jungle” and punches it to death as it desperately tries to claw it’s way out of her mouth. Animal rights
March : The Beano Goes Dark in March as they launch their own late night tv show on Channel Four. After realising that today’s kids are a bunch of thieving pikeys who’d sell their own mother for an ounce of smack, publishes D.C. Thompson will insist that The Beano Show will reflect the harrowing reality of real life. Hence Billy Whizz’s always obvious Speed addiction is finally revealed, and he’s due to die on the dance floor of some seedy club by the end of the month. Fortunately he will be brought back to life after Lord Snooty, on the run from the law after murdering his Nanny, accidentally jumps on Billy’s chest whilst fleeing from some local rozzers. Dennis The Menace meanwhile will be stabbing teachers and fellow pupils to death, whilst Minnie The Minx will run her own mobile disco – “Well, we’ve got to have some light relief in it somewhere,” director Tamsin Tree may well state.
April : Labour Mp David Blunkett will finally reveal that he wasn’t blind all along by grabbing Fern Britton’s breasts live on This Morning and proclaiming “Mmmmm, Fern’s boobies.” He’ll explain how “I used to get away with this all the time, by pretending I was blind, but I guess it’s time to come clean now that I’m a normal every day person and not a God like I used to be. Oh well, one last time yeah Fern? No? Ah, fuck you.”
May : Derren Brown will announce plans to “Fuck Jesus Live On Air” during May, in the hope that he’ll be able to improve on the Seven Hundred complaints he received for his Séance programme. Brown intends to build a time travel machine, go back to AD 27 “When Jesus was prettiest”, bring him back to the present day and screw him senseless in a cheap motel. Many doubt this is possible, but Stephen Fry has claimed “If anyone can do it, Derren can, I’ve never met a man with such an understanding of quantum physics and the knowledge of how to seduce the son of God.”
June : The BBC will cancel Doctor Who despite ratings of Fifteen Million. “Look, we humoured you,” A BBC spokesperson will say, “But everyone knows how much we hate science fiction, and one series every twenty years or so is certainly quite enough. Now come back in 2024 when we’ll have made another hundred million from dvd sales of the show, and we’ll consider it then. But not till then, you hear?” Whilst Michael Grade will only add “Mwah-ha-ha-ha.” Dr Who fans will riot outside the BBC offices after this announcement, but do it so quietly that no one actually notices.
July : Big Brother housemate Dougie Jones will reveal that he is an alien in week nine of the show, and still go on to win it despite devouring fellow contestant James Eve. Alas now interplanetary war has broken out between Earth and Dougie’s homeplanet Nentanus IV, but at the time it will be seen as a beautiful example of the love and tolerance people have for creatures from a very different culture.
August : The BBC launch “Strictly Animal Dancing”, this years 23rd spin off from the “Strictly Come Dancing” series. It achieves high ratings as old people go “Awwww” a lot as dogs and cats, hamsters and mice and rabbits and horses dance together. Unfortunately the series ends in tragedy as someone stupidly at the Beeb forgot to think that the pairing of a lion and a gazelle wouldn’t end with the gazelle being torn apart. It does, and animal rights protestors are up in arms, forcing the Beeb to promise to never make another series of this awful crap again.
September : Neighbours will take a dark and disturbing twist during this month as a seventy year old Dr Karl Kennedy travels back to present day Ramsay Street to tell himself to kill Toadie – or the world will be destroyed in 2029. The present day Kennedy at first refuses to listen, but is later convinced, and armed with only a large spoon he ventures out to murder the fat lawyer boy. “It’s about time Neighbours became odd, twisted and sexy, and this storyline should provide such thrills,” Jeffrey Archer told us, though what he’s got to do with all this crap is anyone’s guess.
October : Matthew Kelly will appear in the shocking drama “Chav” as a dirty old man who likes to masturbate on street corners. “Yes,” Kelly will say, “It was a stretch for me to play such a role, normally I wank outside nightclubs and tea rooms, but street corners is a whole new world for me, and one which I can’t wait to see.” Produced by Channel Five, it will try and emulate Shameless’ success in portraying a world full of cheeky scum, but fail only because of it’s cast of RSC actors who are physically unable to do ‘pikey’ roles.
November : ITV will buy the rights to the hit US comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm, despite it having already been shown on BBC Four, E4 and four other channels with the number four in their title. The first episode shown will be a surprise hit, until viewers realise that they’re watching a good comedy on ITV, presume they hallucinated the entire incident, and after that no one will watch it again.
December : Christmas Tv will inevitably disappoint yet again, with the schedules filled with repeats of once loved but now hated tv shows, and old films you’ve seen hundreds of times before. On the plus side, Noel Edmonds will die over the crimbo period, but the tv schedulers will refuse to acknowledge this, and we won’t be subjected to hours of Saturday Swap Shop and The Late Late Breakfast Show repeats.
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