AMERICA NOW IN CHAOS
The leader of terrorist group "Al Qaeda" and the lesser known "Dennis Quaid Fan Club", Osama Bin Laden, has let it be known that he's really quite happy that Bush is now set to be in power for a further four years.
"If Kerry had been voted in, he might have decided to stop pretending that we were this all powerful terrorist group, and revealed the truth that we really are quite inadequate. I might have had to give up the job, and taken up carpentry or toilet cleaning, and I really didn't want to do that," Bin Laden told a person who told another person who told another person who told us.
The most famous bearded man in the world went on to say: "Have you ever cleaned a toilet? I mean the ladies ones are often quite nice, but the male toilets, woah, they sure do stink. So I'm happy that Bush is still in the White House, and that I won't be doing any shit removal from porcelaine loo's for at least another four years."
FOX HUNTERS PLAN TO KILL CATS
Bastard Fox Hunters, who were dismayed to learn that they can no longer chase fox's through forests before ripping them apart with their own teeth on Tuesday, now believe they have found a loophole which will allow them to still hunt.
"The Government may have outlawed us hunting fox's with hounds," Murderer Clarrisa Harris told us, "But there's nothing in the law which says we can't hunt dying cats with elephants, and that's what we now plan to do." Many expect the public to be equally as annoyed by this, but Harris didn't seem to care "We're planning on painting the cats to look like foxes too, so we get as much pleasure from the hunt as we did before, and no one can stop us, mwah-ha-ha."
Upon informing the Labour Party of this news, we expected much outrage from the Government, but alas they didn't seem to care. "We love foxes, they're so cute and fun to hang around with, but cats? Who cares about those unsociable bastards. Not me, that's for sure," MP Stephen Frisk said.
It all began at 1.32pm when CNN Newsreader Arthur Millington the Third, 32, announced "I can't believe the result. I feared it all along, but this gives undeniable proof that more than half of my fellow country men are utterly and brain-numbingly idiotic. They're stupider than a dog with no tail who's trying to break the world record for wagging. And I no longer want to have any communication or contact with any of them. That's why I've built myself a small prison, and my family and I are going to lock ourselves inside it until Bush is no longer in power -
The story was picked up by other US Tv Channels who thought the public may find it all vaguely amusing, but what they did not expect is for every single other person who voted for John Kerry to do exactly the same thing. Now it's estimated that approximately 46% of the American public is living in one of these home made prisons, with all of them intending to stay there until Bush leaves The White House in four years time. Economic experts fear that this may cause chaos, as nearly all those who voted for Kerry were "Intelligent, stable people who greatly contributed to the country", and aren't, unlike those who voted for Bush, "Inbred freaks whose idea of a days work is to dig a hole and then look in it and think about planting something before getting drunk and fucking their nearest relative instead."
George Bush is said to be unworried by the whole affair however, stating on the news last night "Who cares? In the nuclear bunker in The White House there's another food and porn to last me for a hundred years, so even if the whole country falls apart, I'll be okay. And isn't that really all that matters?"
EXPERTS PREDICT "THE END OF THE WORLD WILL NOW DEFINITELY TAKE PLACE"
Many political experts have revealed today that they believe "The end of the world will undoubtedly now take place, most likely at 3.44pm on Thursday 14th March 2005."
And it's all due to George W.Bush being re-elected. One White House insider, who asked not to be identified, said "My husband is a dangerous pyschopath, and all who really know him fear him more than they fear death by combine harvester. Or the restaurant The Harvester. Both are equally as life threatening...This image of him as a bumbling, gun happy, spunk chewing, nonsense talking simpleton may well have found favour with the voting public, but in reality he is far more dangerous than anyone dares to imagine, and it's only a matter of time before he destroys the world."
"You don't know how many times I've had to stop him plunging the big red button, how many times I've said, look, the world may well mock you, BBC2's rather insipid comedy show Dead Ringers may portray you as someone with a vocabulary of spectacularly unfunny made up words, but that's no reason to destory the entire world. Often this wouldn't calm him down though, and Donald Rumsfeld had to shoot him with a tranquiliser gun. But now...Now he's growing resistant to the tranquilisers....It's only a matter of time before that button is pressed and we are all doomed."
Not everyone is unhappy about the current situation though "I've just baked myself a nice cake, which I'm really looking forward to eating," Celebrity Cook Jamie Oliver told us.
WORLD WIDE WEB ALMOST CRASHES
NUMBER OF UNFUNNY BUSH RELATED STORIES THREATENS END OF INTERNET
The Internet almost crashed earlier today after a total of seventeen million and twenty two 'unfunny' fake news stories were published, all of which lampoon George W.Bush and the American Public.
Net expert and part time pyschiatrist Heinz F. Khan explained to us "Zo many people, zey are infuriated by Bush's re-election, and yet they know that buying a rifle and hunting him down like ze rabid dog he is will only lead to eventual boredom in prison and lack of copulation with zomeone of ze opposite sex. Thus they 'ave unleashed their rage upon ze interweb, zey believe that by writing stories about how stupid ze American public and Bush is, zey will feel calmer and happier in the knowledge that the rest of the world knows that they think that America is a country full of cunts."
Such a huge increase in such stories on the net could lead to the end of it though. Kahn, an Englishman in his forties who really has no reason to talk in such a bizarrely antiquated mock foreigner accent, went on to say, "I fear zat if any more zupposedly funny news stories are posted on ze net, it will lead to it crashing, and the civilised world will riot, unable to cope with not being able to buy second hand crap on Ebay anymore."
Dreamworks SKG's latest big budget blockbuster, "Fish Out Of Water, Aww, Poor Dead Fish" has bombed at the box office this past weekend, despite the combined star power of Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Will Smith, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Clint Eastwood, Mike Myers, Johnny Jonson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jim Carrey, Orlando Bloom, Jude Law, Ben Stiller, Kirsten Dunst AND Julie Andrews and the rest of the cast of The Sound Of Music who have yet to die.
Director David Fincher, the auteur behind Se7en, Fight Club, I Lost My Boobies and Panic Room expressed his shock and dismay at the fact that the film only took $107.45 at the weekend, despite showing at over 17,004 screens: "I was certain we had a sure fire hit on our hands. I can't believe it. You can't predict
"I'm quite shy, except when I'm outside, then I'm like a big balloon about to explode, covering everyone in love, affection and urine. I'm also desperately unfunny. But that's not going to stop me appearing on as many shows as I can possibly manage until somebody realises this. So screw you." Jonathan Ross, Radio Times.
"To say that Tony Blair is finished is like saying no one likes Sphagetti Bolagnaise anymore. Ie, completely and utterly true." Cat Deeley, The Times.
"Once I sold my body, I got five pounds for it, which inevitably was spent on smack. I bought it back a few years later, but it's never been the same since." Les Dennis, Hasbeens Monthly.
The part live action, part animated family flick which sees a dead fish, Jimbo, come back as a ghost and haunt an enormous family of fishermen was expected to overtake Titanic as the biggest grossing film of all time. Before the film's release Tom Cruise told Michael Parkinson "If this movie isn't as successful as all my other movies put together, I'll eat Iceland, and I mean the country, not the tacky supermarket," whilst Brad Pitt was equally sure of it's success claiming "I've made the odd stinker in my life, and the odd bad film too, but I'm certain that this movie will make more money than the naked pictures of my wife I sold to this man in a park did."
Industry insiders blame "Poor advance word" and the fact that "The film's only seventeen minutes long, and no one was prepared to shell out ten dollars to see it" for it's disappointing receipts, though surprisingly a sequel may still be made. "I wrote the second film, 'Fish In Hell, Aww, Poor Burning Dead Fish' before the first, and though I don't like my chances of getting any of the cast back, I still plan to make this movie, even if I have to shoot it in my back garden with mice instead or people."
HITLER'S TEDDY BEAR COLLECTION UP FOR AUCTION
In news which would surprise us if we were capable of being surprised anymore, it's been revealed that a collection of teddy bears owned by evil dictator Adolf Hitler is to be sold on ebay.
Historian Julian Rumpus recently discovered the teddy bear collection hidden in an enormous wooden horse. "I was mucking around in Berlin, shooting pool, people, and anything and everything I wanted too, when I found this big wooden horse in a field. I thought it might be a trap at first, just like the one in that film, Ghost, but I eventually summoned up the nerve to go inside it, and low and behold I found over thirty teddy bears, all dressed up in Nazi uniforms and with cute little moustaches."
"At first I wasn't certain that they were Hitler's, but then I found this book saying that they were, it was written in German too, so it's undoubtedly authentic. I imagine this will stun the world, a lot of people knew that Hitler liked dogs, but not teddy bears as well, and I'm almost certain people will reappraise their opinion of him now."
The ebay auction is set to begin in less than seven minutes time, so if you fancy picking up a piece of history, than visit the site now and search for 'Nazi Teddy Bears'. Or don't. See if we care.
BLAIR CONFESSES TO BALLOON ANIMAL OBSESSION
Tony Blair, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom for at least the next week or so, has confessed that he loves making balloon animals and that after a hard day of political inanity, nothing makes him happier.
In an interview on Radio Four's "Shut it, twat" programme, Blair admitted that he makes various balloon animals every single day, and he's only not done so once on Christmas Day. "That Christmas I was in a foul mood," Blair said, "I burnt all of the kids presents, beat Cherie up, and made plans to invade Ireland, but now Cherie makes sure I have the time to at least conjure up a goose or a tiger so I don't get like that again." Asked why such an activity soothes him, he claimed "I don't know, I guess manipulating balloons is a lot like strangling a man, something I used to do a lot before I took up this hobby."
Blair is now planning a book on the subject, "101 Balloon Animals You Can Make Really Easily", that should be released in time for Christmas and which goes in to extreme detail on how to make balloon dogs, cats, tigers, elephants and giraffes. "The only animal I refuse to make is a mongoose," Blair mentioned, but when asked to explain why, he stormed out of the studio, so alas it seems we will never know.
In related news, Liberal Democrat's leader Charles Kennedy has told news reporters of his love for building replica's of the Vatican in his backgarden, but trust us, it's really not worth knowing about in anymore detail than that.
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