In a month so lacking in interesting news we feel like crying, it's come to our attention that a couple of people have been offended by new advice from the Post Office on how to stop thieving posties stealing that fiver you slipped in to your nephew's birthday card.
The P.O.'s Communications Director, Stephen Stephen, recently suggested that the best way to stop postal delivery officers from opening your mail is to make it look like it's already been ripped open: "Before sending your mail, seal it, then rip it open, and stick a bit of sellotape over it and that'll make it look like someone's already tried to thieve from it, and thus they'll be no point in one of our posties having to do the same," may be what he said.
Initially no one really seemed to care about this, but upon visiting some old peoples homes, and threatening to steal several of their scrabble boards, old person Julia 'Cheeky' Holmington, 113, told us "It's
ITV Bosses have surprised many people today by murdering Gordon Ramsay.
Channel boss Heath Holmes told a press conference: "We've been in talks with the Devil for ages now, but this is the first show he really wanted to do. So we've now killed Gordon, several cameramen and intend to pick 10 celebrities who we think deserve to die any day now."
He went on to say "Obviously we're not sure if they'll be able to transmit pictures from the Devil's home, but if they do, we could be on to the biggest ratings winner since Noel Edmond's Hit and Run show."
Holmes was later arrested, but then released without charge after Police decided "To let the criminals win for once. After all the trouble they go too, they really should get away with murder more often y'know."
EMMA KENNEDY BLAMED FOR BACK TO REALITY'S POOR VIEWING FIGURES
Television channel ''Five'' announced today that they plan on killing actress and comedian Emma Kennedy after it was discovered that she is responsible for the embarrassingly poor viewing figures for their new reality tv show, Back To Reality.
Kennedy, the overweight blonde who features in all of the adverts for Heat magazine, which sponsors the show, is now considered by most UK scientists as ''So fucking annoying that after seeing her for more than 2.78 seconds onscreen many people simply vomit up there guts and bones.'' And Five boss Hugh Roshton has claimed that she's the reason no one watched the programme. ''Before it began screening, I spoke to around eight million people, all who pledged on their baby's lives to watch the show, but who after seeing Kennedy in the pre-show adverts, ended up smashing up there tv's with arms, legs and groins and have since been in hospital, crying.''
Roshton went on to state that he has hired several top hitman to kill Ms. Kennedy. ''I only hope Crazy Jamie Ghoulash gets to her first,'' he told us, ''Apparently he kills people with an enormous bottle opener and a rabid dog who hasn't eaten since 1973.''
When we viciously assaulted Stephen Stephen with this information, he said "For the last time, my name's not Stephen Stephen. I don't even work for the post office. I'm a teacher. Please leave me alone or I will have to call the Police."
STAR WARS BLAMED FOR ALL TERRORISM
George Lucas was arrested earlier this morning by the FBI for 'Creating Terrorism'. The FBI have claimed that before 1977 terrorism simply didn't exist, and it was only when Star Wars was released that once pleasant and socially acceptable people began killing hundreds of innocent men, women and children. Though, oddly, not one transvestite.
FBI Agent Johnathon Dish announced at a press conference this afternoon that "Lucas' film, in which a terrorist group strikes against the Government of the Universe and eventually destroys their Death Star, inspired the IRA, Al Quaida and the lesser known 'Angry Young Men Against Lesbians' terrorist groups in to committing gross acts of violence, and who would probably have become accountants, or librarians, if they hadn't been brainwashed by Lucas' manifesto for civil upsurgence."
Several journalists present at the press conference raised queries about the accuracy of the FBI's beliefs, citing the Irish Problem as having clearly existed years before Lucas was even born, though all our now dead, with their desecrated bodies hanging from the FBI's Washington office. A note was placed on their bodies, reading "This Is What You Get. This Is What You Get. This Is What You Get When You Mess With Us," - which has led to yet more speculation that Radiohead have been recruited by the Government agency.
BIG BROTHER CONTESTANTS "WON'T BE GIVEN SHOTGUNS" DISAPPOINTMENT
Fans of hit reality tv show Big Brother were hugely disappointed last night when Endemol bosses decided against giving the housemates several shotguns.
Producer Simon Welton announced "Yes, I know, we said Big Brother was going to be really evil this year, but after the big fight on Wednesday night, it's now been decided not to arm the housemates. Initially we thought it'd lead to all kind of japery and hard-core genital-gun action, but the police have advised us that such weapons could be used by the contestants to murder each other. And I know that idea's even more appealing, but I'd inevitably be blamed for the ensuing deaths, and could have even received some kind of community service related punishment. Which'd be fucking appalling y'know. Have you ever had to paint a wall somewhere? Or clean at a home for 'special' kids? With all that piss on the floor? It'd rather commit suicide than do that."
Police Chief Roger Harton told us "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was all for giving those squealing shits weapons, but my superior told me that it was illegal. That never stopped him beating up minorities back in the Seventies though, or the disabled, on a daily if not hourly basis, so why he's giving me such a hard time about breaking the law is beyond me. Bastard."
Chris Tarrant was arrested earlier today after Police finally, after seventeen long, painful months, decided that he was responsible for killing Dr James Valaver, a scientist employed by the government to create nanobot technology.
Many experts believe that Valaver's work would have eventually lead to the creation of nanobots, tiny micrscopic robots that could live inside our bodies, eradicate all disease and also hook our brains up to the internet. Before plausibly destroying the world. Valaver told Nature magazine just last month ''In twenty years all of creation will be able to watch porn every second of the day. And also use the net for, er,
It is expected that Tarrant will serve up to 20 years if found guilty, which looks increasingly likely now that he's foaming at the mouth and confessing twistedly. He told a press conference just this afternoon ''Yes, I killed him once, and I'd kill him again. Though probably not a third time. I'm not sure though.'' When asked why he killed the eminent scientist, Tarrant said, ''I know, I know, Nanobot technology is still decades off, but Dr Valaver was conducting some very interesting work, and I just couldn't let him go ahead with it. I know many think the fusion of mankind with Nanobot technology could bring about a race of super humans who can access any knowledge from computers instantly, as well as grow there fingers really really long. And I mean really long. But such technology would also bring about the end of the television quiz show, as everyone would know everything, and there'd be no point in making them. And do we really want to live in a world without quiz shows? Think about it. Without the exciting possibility that you can be smug infront of friends or family whilst watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or The Weakest Link, be slightly confused whilst watching University Challenge, or laugh at the cretins who appear on Family Fortunes? I'm doing this for all of humanity, for every man and woman who one day, one day, dreams of becoming a quiz show host. And quite intelligent monkeys too. Though I've been told to keep quiet about them.''
However it now seems that Tarrant may escape jail after he paid Judge Keith Mixton thirteen million pounds this morning. Tarrant told us ''Keith's promised me that during the trial he'll whip out a sub machine gun, kill everyone but me in the room, and then we'll fly off to his island paradise in the Carribean. So it looks like I'll get away with this. And after that, I intend on murdering him, and proclaiming myself King of his country. So all in all, it looks like I've got quite a good year ahead of me. Yay.''
BLAIR DECLARES WAR ON BRITISH PUBLIC
Tony Blair declared war on the British public last night, stating ''You've had it far too good for far too long and I'm here to stop your crazy party''.
He went on to say ''Since New Labour got in to power back in 1997 we've seen the rise and rise of happiness in the British people, many go out drinking, some even take drugs, and all are seen with a big grin on there faces every single day. Unemployment's down, women are easier to get in to bed, especially now Rohypnol is easily available, and even the weather's nicer most of the time. But it's just not on. If instead of partying and fucking the British public had been out hunting terrorists, 9/11 wouldn't have happened. Every one of us should be very, very, very ashamed. And maybe even more ashamed than that.''
At this point Blair declared his new manifesto for life in Britain, which includes ''A congestion charge for whenever you sit down without doing anything productive'', and various new tax's, including one on toilet roll ''People shit way too much'', pets which aren't cute ''Why on earth do people buy dogs who look like they've been run over...It's got to stop'', and women's bra's of an E-cup size of above ''Breast's just don't need to be that big''. He also claimed that if everybody doesn't ''burn at least one terrorist and / or paedophile a week, they may be set on fire themselves.''
We feel we must point out at this stage that the Tony Blair in question is not the English Prime Minister, but Mr Tony Charlie Blair of Didcott, Oxford, and is no relation to the more famous Mr Blair. When asked how he was going to attempt to take such action without having any political leverage in the slightest, Blair retorted ''Ah, I have my ways my friend, I have my ways. And a gun too.''
HELP THE AGED SUICIDE KITS A MASSIVE SUCCESS
The controversial suicide kits that top old people's charity Help The Aged handed out just before Christmas have proved to be a huge success. Despite many expressing concern that the charity is trying to kill off the very people it's designed to help, Help the Aged have hit back by claming that they've helped avoid ''enormous suffering to the old people'' and ''Though Countdown's viewing figures have been affected slightly, there's no other downside to this mass OAP death.''
Tony Misky, the spokesperson for Help The Aged, told us '''There's not been one report since Christmas of an old person freezing to death, and that's because we helped them kill themselves just before the festive period. Many say we should be trying to discover ways to improve old people's lives, but let's face it, many just don't want to live, yet don't have the energy to cut their wrists or drink a whole bottle of gin before 'accidentally' walking infront of a speeding pizza delivery boy. That's why we decided we must help them die elegantly, in a way which befits them, and I must say the plastic bags we gave them did just that.''
Old person Stanley Road has been particularly supportive of the charity's new direction ''They used to give me the odd can of peas or chocolate pudding every year, but they were never a great help. But after they helped my wife die late last year, who really couldn't cope with life anymore, not since she was diagnosed with ingrowing toenails, I've had much more money to spend on whores and heroine. That's why, when my cocks not in a young twenty year old girl or I'm not lying in a gutter giggling to myself with a needle hanging out of my arse, I've done my best to publicise the good work Help The Aged have been carrying out. I only worry that one day they'll be no old people left. Who'd write in to complain about mild swearing on television shows if that happened?''
''Now that Charlotte Church is eighteen, yes I suppose, you could fuck her without it being considered too out of order. But I personally wouldn't. Angus Deayton told me she has teeth in her vagina.'' Michael Grade, Daily Telegraph.
''Who hasn't fantasied about murdering someone? But murdering them, and then selling them to Tesco's as pork, and then buying some of that pork and giving it to his Mum and Dad as a twenty-fifth anniversary present? Well, I think Phillip Schofield just went too far and he should be sent down.'' Jeremy Paxman, Newsnight.
"Until Greg Dyke pays me back that tenner he owes me, I won't say anything nice about him. He's owed it to me since 1997 you know. He said he needed to get some chips. But I never saw him eat any." Dale Winton, Daily Telegraph.
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