Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has stunned the footballing world by claiming that Arsenal can still win the premiership, despite Chelsea winning the premiership the Saturday before this Saturday.
"Yes, Chelsea have won it, but that doesn't mean they still can't lose it," Wenger told the press earlier, "You're confused, aren't you? I thought so. It's simple though. Simple as peas. For I plan to build a time machine, and go back to 1977 when their goalkeeper, Peter Cech, was just a small boy, and destroy his feet. Then, when I come back to the present day, I'm sure Chelsea will have lost a lot more games, and we will have beaten them to the top of not only The Premiership, but the singles charts too."
When it was suggested that Wenger had been watching too much Dr Who, the Arsenal boss claimed not to understand - "Dr What?" he said, "I've never heard of such a show. I got my idea from watching an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise
In related news, Jose Mourinho has announced plans to build a huge spaceship and destroy Liverpool. "That'll teach them bastards to score against us," he said.
NICK BERRY FOUND ON MOON
Former Eastenders and Heartbeat and er, that thing he did with Todd Carty, you know, it was a sort of Western but not really and everyone just kind of half liked it but didn't really, anyway, that bland tv actor bloke Nick Berry has been found on the Moon.
Astronauts from America who were messing around on the new space station noticed a presence on the moon, after Berry spent hours writing out his name in the dust. Upon investigating this strange event, they found Berry wandering around in a state of boredom, and, amazingly, not wearing any kind of space suit. "We didn't know who the hell he was," astronaut Todd Holmes told a press conference earlier, "Or how he survived without dying within seconds, but he sure did seem happy to see us."
Berry is now back on the Earth, and told The News of The World that he has no idea how he ended up on the Moon. "One min-" he said, "-ute I was doing Heartbeat, and that thing with Todd Carty, you know, it was a sort of Western but not really, and everyone half liked it but didn't really, and the next minute I found myself on the Moon, wandering around. It was fun for a while, I spent six months searching for Clangers, but when it slowly dawned on me that they don't exist, I got really, really bored." Asked how he had managed to survive without any oxygen, food, water or pornography, Berry claimed "I don't know. I really don't know. Nasa scientist's have run tests, and claim that I'm infact an alien shape changer with no need for any of those things, but that really doesn't explain why they haven't locked me in a cage and prodded me with sticks for years like they did with all those Roswell aliens."
Fans of Berry are just relieved that the actor is back on earth and alive and doesn't plan to destroy humanity. "We're just relieved that Nick's back on earth, alive, and doesn't plan to destroy humanity," they said.
SCIENTIST CLAIMS WOMEN SHOULD SAY CUNT MORE
Women should be persuaded to say the offensive swear word 'Cunt' more often, according to Professor Johnathon G. Gee.
Gee, a leading scientist and lecturer at Cambridge University explained how he has been studying the use of offensive swear words, and how he suddenly realised on Sunday, just after tea, that offensive words become less offensive if they are used by the people who find them offensive.
"This research has taken me my whole life," Gee told the world at a poorly attended press conference on Monday, "Every single second of it. Even when I've been having sex, I've been thinking about it. Maybe there's been the odd time on the toilet, when I've been straining away, that it might have been absent from my mind briefly, but apart from that it's been the whole time."
"Then, just after I'd finished eating a tuna sandwich, I suddenly realised how to stop the word 'Cunt' being offensive anymore. And that's by getting women to say it all the time. This may sound crazy, but it really should work. After all, gay men used to find the word 'Queer' offensive, but as soon as they affectionately started calling each other it, they suddenly realised that they loved the word. The same goes with the N word, which the black community have taken to using with startling affect. It's not this alone. The Queen used to hate being called "A syphillic shitfaced cock monkey", but since she's taken to using the phrase herself, when Prince Charles calls her that it no longer offends her at all."
Gee continued to make examples of words which are no longer offensive, like "Fingersnipper" and "Jade Goody", but we really can't be arsed to repeat his painfully obvious nonsense any further.
Russell T Davies has upset the BBC by delivering an R-Rated Dr Who series which can never be shown on tv.
Davies was meant to be writing a new, family orientated version of the science fiction classic, but decided half way through that it would be much more fun to have lots of nudity and foul language in it instead. “Why do you think I hired Billie Piper to be in it? It wasn’t exactly for her acting talents, let’s put it that way,” Davies told us, “And Chris Ecclestone only signed up after I promised to write a threeway Dr – Billie – Dalek sex scene in it, and who can blame him? Look what happened to Sylvester McCoy’s career post Who, so I’m not surprised at all that he insisted on having penetrative sex with a robot and a dodgy ex-pop star if it is to be his last onscreen appearance, as is likely.”
It’s not only the good Doctor who’ll be getting his rocks off either. Davies has hired Max Beesley to appear as a younger, sexier Davros (pictured), and he too enjoys many sex scenes in the new series, despite not having any genitals. Beesley informed us “Most of the time I’m encased in half of a Dalek shell, but there is one scene where I get to crawl around the floor naked, licking various other Dr Who villains. The one that turned me on the most was the yeti. All that hair, woah, even talking about it now is getting me excited. I don’t suppose you fancy a shag do you?” After we declined Beesley's offer, he beat us to such an extent that we've been in a coma for the last month. But we shan't complain, as it was nice to have such a long sleep.
It’s now expected that the series will be released straight to video, and only sold in licensed sex shops. Luckily Who fans often frequent such establishments anyway, so it’s sales should still be very high.
Diehard Dr Who fans may be relieved to know that K-9 will no longer be featuring in the series however. “I didn’t mind watching Chris and Billie at it,” the robot dog told us, “But when they told me I was going to be violated by a Zygon, I refused point blank, and so they fired me.”
NEW DIETING CRAZE CLAIMS FIRST VICTIM
Health experts were indulging in a massive bout of "I told you so" last night after Dr Atkinson's new slimming regime caused the death of its most ardent devotee.
Tony Kelly, a 43 year old technical director from Wembley, was rigourously adherring to the rules of the diet, so had been eating nothing but human excrement for months. Ignoring scientists warnings that munching on your own filth can't be good for you, Mr Kelly routinely consumed crap morning noon and night. In fact, so addicted did he become to the brown stuff that reportedly he would get through upwards of one ton a week.
Coroner Sir Michael Baloney heard at the inquest how Kelly's body was found, face down in the toilet bowl - a toilet bowl that officers described as "unflushed". Likening the final minutes of the deceased to "the way Elvis met his maker, only more so", Sir Michael concluded that Mr Kelly had been "possibly the most stupid man alive, I mean what did he think was going to happen?" The verdict was death by natural causes, as having a dump is very natural and that's all there is to it.
Dr Ron Atkinson, who devised the controversial plan, was unapologetic. "Eating faeces is still a great way to lose weight. It is an appetite suppressant, plus it has very few calories as they were all taken out the first time around." However, when asked whether he would still be following the diet personally, Dr Atkinson could only say "What do you mean "still"? I've never so much as smelt the stuff in my life, what do you think I am some kind of mentalist?".
"HOOKERS ONLY FOR NEEDY PENSIONERS", SAYS CHANCELLOR
Gordon Brown faced a storm of controversy last night after withdrawing free prostitutes for the over 65s. The Chancellor has instead introduced a means-tested scheme where only the poorist pensioners will get hand and blow jobs on the state. "It is a prudent move to protect the economic well-being of the state." declared Brown. "We are going to provide targetted sexual gratification for those who most need it."
The joint co-chairwomen of Age Concern, The Cheeky Girls, have been quick to condemn the plan. "Senior citiziens have paid their taxes and national insurance all their lives, only to have escort services from working girls snatched away from them at the last moment. It is an utter disgrace." The Conservative spokespeople on social security, also The Cheeky Girls, questioned the generousity of the new means-tested scheme. "Many old people are in genuine need of full sex, not just a quick rub. These measures will not go far enough to help them achieve lasting relief."
However, not everyone is hostile to the government's new initiative. Talking on behalf of the Association of Women who do it for Money, The Cheeky Girls declared "our members are over the moon about this. Sex with old people is really horrible and they'd much rather be hired by celebrities and footballers. That's a much nicer and more lucrative way to make a living."
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