Tom Wolfe announced plans to write 'history's biggest novel' at an exclusive press conference up a skyscraper somewhere in America this weekend, ending speculation as to how he will top the success of his last offering, 'A Man in Full'.
The novel will be, according to Wolfe's publishing house, approximately seven feet in length, five feet in width and some ten feet in depth, consisting of an unprecedented nineteen thousand pages of prose. "This is the big one," enthused Wolfe, wearing his trademark 'thump me in the face' grin. "I'm cramming everything into it, including a five-inch thick bar of super-dense lead along the spine to prevent the effete literati from picking it up." He then flexed his wiry old-man muscles by way of demonstration, cackling with a mad sense of power. Although the announcement brought whoops, yee-has and random celebratory electrocutions among Wolfe fans, most American socialists who have not yet been imprisoned, exiled or forced to walk the streets naked in front of everyone reacted with snorts of derision and rolled eyes. "Oh, great," drawled one, "more realism." On saying
Fed-Ex are in the process of developing new vehicles with the capacity to deliver Wolfe's tome; insiders say that, to carry the usual number to bookstores, they will have to research new raw materials from outer space. An engine powerful enough to drive such a payload would be, according to Fed-Ex, "the size of a small house, and loud enough to kill passers-by." Bookstores, too, have been hit hard. Managers up and down the country were requested to widen their doorways in anticipation; some small indies may have to smash their shopfront windows to take delivery of the book. Martin Chetham, manager at 'Leaves', said, "I'm not sure I'll even bother. A nineteen thousand page book? What's the bastard thing going to cost? Imagine the overheads! Why don't I just set fire to my fucking shop?"
Time - lots of it - will tell whether Wolfe's gamble has paid off; expect reviews to start appearing as your children graduate.
DONNE POEM FOUND
An unknown poem of John Donne's has been discovered in a church in North London, it was revealed last night. The news rocked the world of Donne scholarship - which had had, according to sources, no previous experience of rocking - to its very foundations, thrilling specialists and bringing faint grunts of recognition from undergraduates across the country.
The poem, 'The Clevernesse of John Donne' is typical of his known work, using an extended, or 'milked', metaphor to demonstrate not only the poet's unique command of language and form, but also his undisputed cleverness. "Donne's virtuosity at expressing his own cleverness was really second to none," explains Professor Lucie Burkehill of Meadchester University. "This poem compounds that; it doesn't just transmit the cleverness using metaphor, it makes the cleverness a metaphor in itself. Effectively, language, form, style and cleverness are united in a confident, brilliantly conceived whole, and the audience cannot help but be really, really impressed." It is thought that Donne, like many of his peers, used this technique to attract - or 'woo' - mates. "He was in many respects," adds Burkehill, "the [Craig] David of his times." The manuscript has been valued by historians at some twenty thousand pounds; it will be of paramount interest to Donne scholars, although sources indicate it is unlikely that any Donne scholar anywhere in the world can even imagine that much money.
The poem will be on display for a limited period at the British Library in Euston, London; preliminary forecasts suggests that no-one, absolutely no-one at all, will go and see it.
ALAIN DE BOTTON SLAGGED OFF
There could be a new star in the literary sky; faber and faber will today announce plans to publish a work by an unknown author, entitled How Alain de Botton can Complicate Your Life. The book, a bittersweet confessional in the Nick Hornby vein, charts the progress of an everyday man as he tries to learn from de Botton's renowned works How Proust Can Change Your Life and The Consolations of Philosophy, which seek to express in layman's terms the pleasures and practical benefits of great literature and thought.
The author, so far known only as 'Dave', has given us a rare interview, stating that "those books ruined everything. Love, patience, justice; I had clear, concrete ideas about all of them until he brought Proust, Aristotle et al into it. Now I don't know my left from my right. De Botton? De Bollocks. I hate him, the bony shit." As 'Dave' attempted to apply de Botton's insights to his everyday life, the book relates, things fell apart around him. "I couldn't work," he claims. "I'd be at my desk or in front of the photocopier and I'd start grappling with mankind's eternal questions. Since he made philosophy relevant to everyday life, everyday life has just seemed less and less important. I just lie in bed thinking these days."
Needless to say, 'Dave's' wife of fifteen years has left him for his own boss. To ease the pain, 'Dave', inspired by Mr. De Botton's book, made incessant attempts to remember things past, eating hundreds of pounds worth of wedding cake to recall the early days of his marriage. "I've put on ten stone," opined 'Dave', cramming his mouth with marzipan and screwing his piggy eyes up tight. When contacted for a response, de Botton laughed uproariously through a mouthful of fine Claret, and mumbled something about it all going according to plan.
LEBERT BLOCKBUSTER POORLY RECEIVED: TOO GERMAN
Bosses at Penguin Books expressed disappointment yesterday that the surprise continental hit Crazy, an autobiographical offering from partially disabled schoolboy Benjamin Lebert, has met with so little success on British shores. Since its UK release in 2001, the novel has sold only two copies, both to over-zealous German students.
"We thought we had a sure-fire hit," complained Samman Davies, responsible for the book's promotion in Britain. "Bittersweet, funny and disarmingly honest, Lebert paints a picture of youth as evocative yet painfully direct as the mighty Wonder Years. Never have love, the family and the eternal gauntlet of growing up been rendered so convincingly and sensitively by one who is still so young." Putting down the official press release, Davies added, "But that's all academic now. It's gone to shit, hasn't it?" When the book was treated on BBC2's Late Review, it found equally poor response; Irish hardman Tom Paulin expressed bewilderment that it should even appear on the show, offering anchorman Mark Lawson outside for his timid murmurs of approval.
Cultural theorists argue that Crazy is quite simply too German for a British audience. Lucie Burkehill of Meadchester University explains that, "British audiences just have a problem with German art. Products - cars, beer, that sort of thing - don't bother them, because they're made by a number of people, and can't be attributed to one man embodying 'Germanness.' This, though, is the work of a German guy. Just one. Look, his name's on the front: Lebert. British children don't want that, they aren't ready for it."
With this in mind, Puffin are planning a revised version of Lebert's book. Called 'Ard, it will be relocated to inner London and follow the exploits of a not-at-all-disabled UK Garage loving phonejacker as he tries to cope with adolescence by beating up and stealing from as many people as he can. Especially German ones. "We think this will say more to British children," Davies told us. "We've kept the essence of Crazy, just changed a few things to make it more palatable to the UK market. Like plot, location, and the author's name."
'Ard, by Kevin Bulldog, will be available in bookstores later this year.
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