"Television - Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover," as a certain Mr Simpson once said, and whilst we'll leave out the Mother and secret lover bit for now, it can't be denied that television can often be educational, and we don't just mean in a tedious as hell Open University kind of way. But obviously you can't be watching tv all the time, and that's where we come in, to bring you the best informative moments on the small screen of late. Because we're kind like that...
HOW CLEAN IS YOUR HOUSE: I never knew before watching this show that if you, like, pick up rubbish from the floor, and clean your bath, sinks and toilets, then you're house will be clean. And not dirty. I mean, bloody hell, shouldn't they have taught us this information at school? Thanks to Channel Four my life has been completely changed, and I just hope this series never ends; Ahem. Sorry. I promise that this is the most sarcastic I've ever been, and ever will be.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT: Erm, actually, the above sarcasm bit might be a lie. For before this show, I never knew that if all you eat is chips, curries and junk food in general, you'll get fat. And if you eat green stuff, like cabbage and turnips, you'll get thin. I mean, Jesus, why did Mother never mention this?!?! Okay, okay. I'll stop now.
THE FIFTY GREATEST CELEBRITY ANIMALS - There are actually fifty celebrity animals!?! Blimey. Infact this latest desperate attempt by Sky to avoid showing just repeats was fairly amusing, if at times offensively wrong. Roland Rat should have been in the top five for instance, not in the thirties. And the same applies with K-9. Anyhoo, I'll bet you're desperate to find out what the No.1 celebrity animal is aren't you? Well, it was Jaws. Yep. That's the celebrity animal people love the most. And yep. People scare me a lot these days too.
BIG BROTHER: British Public get their priorities so wrong. Booing and hurling tennis balls at a reality TV contestant seems a tad extreme (if a touch pantomime). They ate too much food, they didn't invade Poland; Then again…Of course inciting murder is morally wrong. At least I thought so until Craig appeared on our tv screens…Now I’m not so sure…
TOP GEAR: Thanks to Top Gear, I want a Ferrari F430; If David Tennant does ‘an Ecclestone’ and leaves Doctor Who after one year, they could just replace him with Richard Hammond and only diehard fans would probably notice; Davina McCall’s just as irritating on semi-serious shows like this as she is on Big Brother.
FIVE: Hard to believe, but Five is currently the best terrestrial station for Drama. Law and Order + Spin offs and the average CSI of course, but it's The Shield and House that are its real stars, which beats any other dram on terrestrial TV. Well, until Lost arrives.
THE NEW AL-QUAEDA: Peter Taylor does like including himself as much as possible in his documentaries; The Power of Nightmares is all a lie if you believe this, though the lack of strong evidence to back up a lot Taylor’s statements frustrates; Obtrusive and over-dramatic music and dodgy reconstructions do not help in making a convincing argument; No one really knows how much of a threat Al-Quaeda now is. But they sure do like guessing.
T IN THE PARK: Ian McCulloch is bonkers and Edith Bowman and Dougie Anderson are unnecessary acolytes.
NEVER MIND THE BUZZCOCKS: Evidently the Sean Hughes era of Never mind the Buzzcocks has been conveniently forgotten. Shame really, would be nice to go back to those early shows.
SUMMER TV: Never take your eyes off a TV guide for too long. That misconception that summer's Tv is rubbish, and you miss two episodes of North Square; The same applies with Nip/Tuck and The Shield - Both are easily two of the best US dramas ever made, yet what do C4 and Five do? Hide them away in a late night slot so that everyone misses them. Tsk.
ROCK AROUND THE BLOCK: Get two families to perform a crappy pop tune, televise it, and what have you got? The worst ever Saturday night prime time tv show, that’s what.
BADDIEL AND SKINNER UNPLANNED: Can’t be arsed to write a new sitcom? Think appearing on a panel show is too much like hard work? Then why not devise a show where you sit on your arse and make cock and Jewish jokes for half an hour. Yes. That should make for an entertaining show. Or not. As ITV’s scheduler’s must have finally realised as they’ve now put it in a late night slot.
AND TO CLARIFY: The Shield is back on Saturday listed at 23:00 or 23:05 on Five. Thank God, I was beginning to get bored of Saturday nights.
STALKING PETE DOHERTY: If Max Carlish ever asks if he can film a documentary about you, run, run faster than the wind, and don’t stop running until you’re 100% certain that he hasn’t followed you. Which, we’re guessing, is what Pete Doherty wishes he had done. Also: Pete Doherty would be perfect casting for a Chaplin remake; Pete Doherty’s manager wins the ‘Garbled Twat of the Year Award’, despite it being only May.
BRING BACK GRANGE HILL: Reunions don't always go as nicely as expected – as seen on Grange Hill’s 'Just say no' reunion - Time marches on and all that. The only thing worth hearing was the just say no-ers didn't say no, and according to Popbitch, some still don't.
JUSTIN LEE COLLINS: has taken over Paul Ross as the purveyor for poor quality TV shows if his recent track record is anything to go by. (Strictly Come Dancing, The Games, Grange Hill, FAQ U)
THE PAUL O'GRADY SHOW: Paul O'Grady continues to be the most refreshing person on primetime.
CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND: "That 'Appy Christmas one " - on Celebrities Love Island (which surely should be called Liggers love Island, or load of nonsense looking to titilate and give 14 year olds something to dream about.)
"Did ya get the number of the bus that hit ya?" - on Jackie Stallone
THE 100 GREATEST WAR FILMS: There are 100 great war films? Since when? And how come I’ve only ever seen 20 which could be even described as “vaguely good”?
Personal favourite of the past few months - "Shout up her dress and wait for the echo" - perfect description of the average townie slapper.
CARNIVALE: Finishes after this second season. Shame really. Too convoluted for Americans I guess.
TV executives are trying to encourage us that 'not watching Tv' is the new 'watching TV' this summer, what with all the trashy rubbish about to hit our screens (Big Brother - surely it has past its relevance? Sub Z - Celebrities love Island: if I was classifying according to rows of the Nou camp, they would be ZZZ list Celebrities)
LIFE AFTER FOOTBALL: 95% of footballers are destined to become bin men / builders / unemployed and depressed unless they start saving early on in their careers. And yet we’re supposed to be sympathetic when the majority of these overpaid idiots don’t save and end up desperate?
BBC1's VE DAY CELEBRATIONS: Made me wince, so I tuned into BBC4 and wished they put that scheduling on BBC2, to give more of an audience (Blind Spot and Band of Brothers)
HOUSE: House is good but formulaic. House finds problem, House has to tackle it in his usual moody way. House discovers problem. Thankfully Hugh Laurie, Jesse Spencer et al make it more than watchable and better than Quincy and Diagnosis:Murder by miles.
I’LL DO ANYTHING TO GET ON TV: Reality tv’s empowering to the individuals who appear on it, and the future of television; Or, reality tv’s evil and exploitative, and will no doubt bring about the end of civilisation as we know it; Jade Goody’s surprisingly self-aware, and knows how stupid she is, yet doesn’t seem to care. Then again, considering the money she’s earnt so far, it’s not an enormous surprise; The Daz ads all took about five takes to do, and were largely faked; This Life once featured a dead cat so badly stuffed that it looked like it’d been run over about two hundred times, instead of, presumably, just the once.
SUPERNANNY – If you’re child’s unruly and / or just plain evil, make him or her stand against a wall for half an hour and miraculously he’ll suddenly become nicer than Jesus. Aww,
HE SAYS SHE SAYS – This groundbreaking series has so far revealed that: When women say no, they mean no, when they say yes, they mean yes, and when they say maybe, they mean no. Unless they mean yes. Or maybe; Women take ages to get ready, whilst men don’t; Men ar- Bejesus, I just can’t go on, why the BBC commissioned this nonsense is beyond me. So perhaps the biggest lesson that we’ve learnt lately is that the Beeb will show any old crap on BBC2 these days.
CASANOVA – If you’re female and wish to trick someone in to thinking you’re male, just stick a sausage down your pants.
THE TWO RONNIES SKETCHBOOK – It looks like Ronnie Barker will be dead within the year; All my childhood memories of the Two Ronnies being funny have been viciously destroyed; The BBC are prepared to show any old crap on BBC1 these days.
BRITAIN’S STREETS OF VICE – Even ugly men can get women to pay for sex with them; And even uglier men can get men to pay for sex with them.
DR WHO – Lot’s of planets have a north; It’s perfectly okay to let someone evil die as long as they’re over two thousand years old; Charles Dickens had a comedy beard; Billie Piper can act (yep, we know that’s the most unlikely of all four, but it’s surprisingly true).
HEARTLESS – The Beeb MUST give Deayton his old job back hosting Have I Got News For You, mainly just to save us from having to watch him trying to act in hackneyed drama’s like this; If you have a heart transplant, you will fall in love with the wife of the donator; Hair extensions make you look like a twat, not handsome and sexy like they’re presumably intended to do.
HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME – Shakin’ Stevens now wears more make up than Liza Minnelli; Vernon Kay is officially the worst presenter of all time; Our suggestion to ITV that all those acts who fail to win should be viciously killed has sadly been ignored.
THE BRITISH COMEDY AWARDS – Are rigged, judging by the amount of crap-tastic ITV shows that got nominated. Also: The judges are idiotic retards for trying to claim that School Of Rock is funnier than Shaun of the Dead; Dr Stephen Hawking is never going to make it as a comedian; Matt Groening isn’t funny anymore; Johnny Vegas should get his own channel where he can just drunkenly rant all day long; Doc Martin’s funnier than Shameless? No, of course not, but that’s what they tried to claim here. Hmmm. I feel like a sweary rant coming on about all this. So I better stop writing about it now.
FILM 2004: FILMS OF THE YEAR – Jonathan Ross doesn’t “particularly care for Lost In Translation”. Which makes him even more stupid than we thought he was, and is yet another reason why he shouldn’t be fronting this programme.
THE REAL FACE OF SANTA – Santa was black. With a white beard. Ah, another fifty minutes of Beeb shite which could have been condensed down to about thirty seconds. And that’s if they included both a title sequence and end credits.
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY SPECIAL – Pauline Quirk and Ronnie Anacona are even more annoying than Max Clifford. Blimey.
THE X-FACTOR – Steve Brookstein won. Which proved that the reality tv viewers who voted him must have an IQ lower than 43. If they have one at all.
THE WEAKEST LINK: COMEDIANS SPECIAL – Bernard Manning’s looking old and decrepit these days, so will hopefully die soon. Also: Eddie Large is clearly suffering from clinical depression; Iain Lee’s quite intelligent, at least compared to the other comedians on the show; Jim Bowen should be back presenting Bullseye now. Yes. Now. Though to be honest, we’ve known that for quite a long while now.
WHAT WE STILL DON’T KNOW – Aliens might exist. They might not. If they do they’ll probably be very far away. Or close by. And they might look exactly like us. Or they might not. Ah, insightful documentaries, don’t you just love em?
I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE – A kangaroo’s testicle must surely be the most horrible thing you could ever put in your mouth, the idea that when it bursts kanga-spunk explodes in to your mouth made me feel more nauseous than watching an episode of Trisha does. Also: You can be constipated for over two weeks; Natalie Appleton is officially now the most annoying celebrity ever to appear in a reality show, ousting previous winner of this award, Vanessa Feltz, within minutes; Janet Street-Porter is like that in real life. Who’d have thought it possible, eh?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL – Never trust large breasted blondes. They know nothing, and will try and confuse you. Well, that’s what this programme suggests, anyhow.
THE POWER OF NIGHTMARES – I could go on for pages listing everything this amazing documentary detailed which I never knew about. But in short: Al Quaida doesn’t really exist; Donald Rumsfeld is disgustingly corrupt, and has been for about thirty years now; The US and UK Governments are a bunch of evil, fear mongering wankers. For more info on this, please go to: http://www.guardian.co.uk/terrorism/story/0,12780,1327904,00.html
THE FARM - To castrate a calf, make a small incision in the scrotum, pop the testicles out and then just twist them off. Christ. Whoever discovered that method? Also: Rebecca Loos can no longer claim that she's never wanked off an animal (and no, we're not talking about Stan Collymore); Vanilla Ice is an enormous twat with a horribly piss-poor take on politics, who also claims he's met "Every celebrity in the entire world"; Debbie McGee's fantasy is to have men walking around shouting 'Heil Debbie' and doing a nazi salute whenever she passes by.
TV'S NAUGHTIEST BLUNDERS - Never go and see anything which stars Keith Barron, Ade Edmonson, Rik Mayall or Neil Morrissey being recorded, as judging by the amount of times they appear in this clip show, they must pretty much fuck up every line they say at least once, and filming must take hours and hours, if not days.
PUBLIC OPINION - According to this show, the general public think Max Clifford's "Daring, Lucky, Greedy and Vain," though oddly not "Pointless, Annoying, Smarmy and Twattish". Also: You won't believe me, but Gyles Brandreth is actually pretty funny these days; Kate Lawler's worst day was when she read in the paper that before she found out he was a rich footballer, she thought her now boyfriend Jonathan Woodgate looked like a 'toad'. Though she claims this is all lies.
THE X-FACTOR - Ozzy Osbourne's sisters sing in an incredibly polite middle class kind of way. Also: Men who work in chicken factory's are scary and should be avoided like the plague; Simon Cowell's no longer even vaguely funny.
YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED - There's presumably no show left that super tv whore Harry Hill won't host. Don't be surprised if he soon turns up on Loose Women sporting a dodgy wig and fake pair of breasts, it's surely only a matter of time.
THEY THINK IT'S ALL OVER: Ian Wright believes that shouting and getting childishly over-excited passes for being funny; The show's utter drivel these days, receiving it's lowest figures ever, and looks set to be cancelled soon. Which could suggest that this is the beginning of the end of Jonathan Ross's tv career. After all, Film 2004 has been moved to an'All bar insomniacs are asleep by now' slot, and his chat show, Jonathan Ross Tonight, also fails to get decent figures. Ah, we can but hope.
FLIPSIDE TV - Keith Allen can't be trusted on live tv, and has an obsession with telling dodgy jokes about Muslims. Also: There's not that much on after 2am, even on digital; Iain Lee's finally realised that, yes, his career is over, though he at least partly blames Kate Lawler for this; There seems to be a show on FX that's devoted to men farting on each other's faces; Chaka Demus and Pliers aren't doing that well right now.
ENGLAND VS. UKRAINE: Mark Lawrenson is scared of thunder and lightening. Also: Hearing thousands of supposedly hard English supporters girlishly cry 'Ooooh' due to a crack of thunder is bloody funny; Sven's now realised that Emile Hesky's not worth a place on the squad. Finally.
THE SOPRANO'S - Is still the best drama on tv, despite Six Feet Under being truly outstanding right now. Also: Hearing the words 'fucking cunt' can still shock even this desensitised hack.
THAT'LL TEACH 'EM - Teenager's are over pampered, all too eager to cry wusses these days. One girl even burst in to tears simply because she couldn't learn how to type properly. I don't know, in my day woodwork teachers used to throw chairs at you for getting work wrong, and even then, however much you were bleeding, you weren't allowed to shed a single tear, etc, etc.
SIX FEET UNDER - Burying your late wife's shark bitten and decaying corpse underneath a tree in the middle of nowhere is bloody harrowing, and not 'quite funny' as a friend tried to claim.
GREATEST KIDS TV: In the 70's John Mackenzie, director of The Long Good Friday, made a kids flick called Apaches, which saw various children dying in hideously unfortunate ways. And I'm just glad that I didn't see it when I was young, I've too much mental scarring from tv back then as it is. Also: Nancy Reagan appeared in an episode of Different Strokes, in a horribly pc and patronising anti-drugs episode; That clip of Anthea Turner getting set on fire should have it's own channel, where it's screened over and over again; Pingu once got drunk and pissed everywhere in an episode that surely must be considered responsible for the rise of kiddie alcohol abuse.
MY BREASTS ARE TOO BIG - No. No they're not. Also: The inside of a woman's chest looks like raw steak. Nice.
BBC 4 - More top quality stuff on there than you'd think. Not just for high-brow intellectuals and jazz fans. Divine Comedy's performance at the Cambridge Folk Festival was especially exquisite
THE SHIELD - Best reason to stop in on a Saturday night. Only reason to stop in on a Saturday night. Couldn't they have stuck the Lyons Den here? Then I could have gone out.
FOX KIDS AND NICK JNR. Nostalgic for eighties cartoons like Ulysses 31, MASK, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors and old lunchtime faves like King Rollo and Mr. Benn, tune in. Otherwise remember then as they once were and move on.
THE KEITH BARRET SHOW -Rob Brydon has taken over Caroline Aherne's ascerbic chat show format, but with a touch more naivete as luckless loner Keith Barret. Entertaining each week, we can only hope for another series when the current one ends on 9/8.
THE SMOKING ROOM - They're really pushing this one down our throats. Countless repeats, but when it's this good, and so much other stuff is likely to clash, I am grateful to catch it once or twice. Great cast, and a genius plot device, it is addictive as it sounds. Some scenarios create more average episodes than others.
THE PRACTICE - Worth staying up till 2 a.m Saturday morning. One of the better dramas on the box with a great character mix of aesthetically pleasing lawyers, powerful, presence yielding defence attorneys, and underdogs with a personality hidden amongst their flaws. Ally McBeal got the limelight, but this was always the better drama from David E. Kelley.
TOP GEAR - Blokes waxing lyrically about cars can be actually entertaining. Love the banter between the presenters, between them and the audience, and the quality of quests range from the sublime to the ridiculous. Ranulph Fiennes and Lionel Richie Vs Jordan and Patrick Kielty. Granted, the only of the four sticking out like a radish in a box of chocolates is Jordan, but Kielty is your average man on the street compared to Fiennes and Richie - I mean, hearing Fiennes talk so matter of factly about amputating his own toes with a electric microsaw can not be beaten in terms of amazement and disbelief.
BOOMTOWN - NBC are dolts for dropping this. They may have well been better served holding on, whilst established shows bowed out after years in mediocrity. This stylish drama, has the shifting perspective format that worked recently in the Grudge, so it's no surprise that NBC execs and the big audiences lapping up Friends failed to understand its above-average episode level. Out on DVD soon anyway, but still worth watching on FX.
SWISS TONI - Charlie Higson can't turn a catchphrase into a series. Well, a funny one in any case. Honestly, don't waste your time, hoping for this mediocre show to start becoming overly impressive. It won't.
GRASS - At the second time of asking, this has been alright. Not Gag-tastic, but you warm to Simon Day's Billy Bleach, although nothing really has happened apart from the first episode, and the blossoming relationship with the vet. It's a notch above Fun at the Funeral Parlour, but not much better. May watch more as jury's out.
FILTHY HOMES FROM HELL - Oh how we wish this weren't true, but it is my friends, it is. For a man exists who never threw away his used toilet roll. Yep, he kept it in the bath, next to the loo. But that behaviour looks positively normal compared to the people who didn't use the toilet at all, simply choosing to defecate on the floor. Man, I feel sick just typing this. Also: Super rats exist which are immune to poison; A skeleton of a dead horse was found in an old ladies house, where it had been slowly decomposing for the last ten years or so; Students are comparatively quite clean when compared to scary old people.
WIFE SWAP - Ah, obvious tv, how we love it. Recently on Wife Swap we've learnt that fat people are lazy and stupid whilst fit people are obsessive and annoying. And this is supposed to be groundbreaking tv? Also: Giving a child a trumpet is the stupidiest thing you could ever do; Living the life of an eco-warrior type may be enviromentally positive, but it'll turn your small children in to psychopaths who want to murder strangers.
101 EMBARRASSING SEXUAL ACCIDENTS (C4) - Not that we ever thought it'd be a good idea, but apparently injecting Cocaine in to a penis will lead to it not only falling off, but your legs will need to be amputated too. So don't do it kids. Even if this has bizarrely tempted you to try it out just to see if it's true or not. It surely just can't be worth it. Also: Too much masterbation will lead to the skin around the penis turning to bone. Yes. Bone. Bejesus. Er, anyone know exactly what the definition of too much is by the way? If you do, please email us. Soon.
QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY - Are you going out with a slobbish guy and you want to smarten him up? Then just shave him, give him a haircut and put him in a suit. And this programme goes out for hour? Every week? It beggars belief.
THE CHART - Think you can't get away with dodgy jokes about doing Cocaine at 1.30pm on tv? Think again, as this week's show proved where they slid in a dodgy comment about how Busted should be able to go out and have fun without Charlie...
BIG BROTHER - Michelle is one step away from turning in to the scariest bunny boiler in the history of, er, dead rabbits. But who'd have thought it'd be so funny to watch? Also: It's absolutely fine for a woman to call a man a cunt, and it'll be he who gets voted out of a reality tv show by the dumbass public after such an event.
WHO KILLED SATURDANY NIGHT TV? - I know I keep going on about this. But that clip of Syd Little and a kangaroo fighting each other in a boxing ring. It was just...perfect tv...And it proved that kangaroo's boxing is the funniest thing ever. No. Really.
Spotted something we haven't covered? Tell us on this thread on the forum then...
Alex Finch, Craig Aston.
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