Hello again my loyal cyber-readers, even those of you who are viewing this page from work, and are really just idle, Google-trawling, time-wasters. The recent death of House That Jack Built star Adam Faith has led me to think about the health of the British public, and what I can do to improve it.
Although I have absolutely no medical training, I am a highly paid spiritual healer and will have a go at treating any ailment, big or small, just so long as the patient is rich enough to afford my outrageously expensive fees. Obviously I'd love to work for nothing, but then I'd be inundated with unbelievers out for a laugh. Therefore, I have to get my patients to prove their good faith by paying a hefty donation to my unregistered charitable foundation. Some people have criticized me for the way in which I
conduct my practice, including several misinfomed and heavily biased judges, but fortunately there are always plenty of people who are willing to hand over bucketloads of cash so that they can undergo some of my famous therapies.
First off, I'd better tell you what I don't do. I once asked the listeners of a local radio station to send me faeces samples so I could give them a reading. I did this out of overwhelming love of the people of the West Midlands, and a desire to better their lives. You can learn many things from a person's excrement, yet how many of us can truly say we give it a second glance? Sadly, I accidentally gave out my ex-girlfriend's address as the receiving centre and the next day she got 400,000 jiffy bags full of shit. Whilst an honest mistake, it was ironic really considering how badly I was hurt when she "dumped" me a fortnight previously.
To avoid any similar misunderstandings, and coincidentally to comply with the terms of a county court ruling, these days I tend to steer clear of human waste. Instead, I use a technique that is as old as time (in fact it probably predates time) - the laying on of hands. Seemingly anyone could do this, but in fact, healers like myself are appointed by God, and given special powers to cure the sick, not to mention an amnesty from many of the 10 commandments. Because we are so rare, it is possible that some can doubt our incredible powers. To destroy any such ungrounded mistrust of my authenticity, here are the comments of two recent visitors to my Solihull High Street Surgery...
"I kept getting cold sores, so I visited Damien and after 17 sessions of intensive naked massage, the problem seems to be a bit better!" - Debbie, 23, glamour model.
This poor unfortunate girl was suffering from a very seriously mis-aligned aura, and this was manifesting itself in problems with her lips. Obviously she could have just used Blisteze, but that would only have attacked the herpes virus and left her Ying and Yang with dangerous levels of bad karma. We agreed on an intensive program of healing, and am glad to say that
Debbie is making great strides towards a full recovery. Interestingly, we found that her treatment worked best if she was blindfolded and a bit drunk before application.
"I had a really bad back that doctors couldn't cure. However Damien managed to heal me completely without even taking my coat off!" - Harry, 71, retired sea captain.
This was very much a problem with the patient's four humours, and as such was easily treated in just one quick session of lightly poking with a pencil. I am always amazed at how old and unattractive people seem to require very little of my magic touch, whereas the young and pretty sometimes have to undergo months of laborious manipulation. Perhaps the
elderly are more in touch with their spiritual personas!
No matter how extraordinary my talents, eventually everybody passes on to the next realm. It's an old saying that "you can't take it with you" but does anybody know why you can't? In fact, it is because in Heaven the shops take Heaven Dollars and not Sterling, so your money is useless to you once St Peter has let you in. Luckily, I have recently become the only authorized currency dealer for Heaven Dollars on this plain of existence. If you want to live the high life after death, why not trade in your pounds with me at the earliest opportunity?
Anyhow, that's it from me for another installment of this soon to be prize-winning series. Until the next time, look after yourselves!
Damien Hart.
If you are considering visiting a Faith Healer please Click Here
To read Damien's column about clairvoyance, please Click Here
Or Click Here To Discuss The Paranormal Experience With Damien Hart on our forum.
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