Hello there readers! My name is Damien Hart and it's great to meet you! If you don't know already, I am one of Britain's leading clairvoyants and mystics. If you have ever thought that there was more to life than Eastenders and Crunchie bars then this is the cyberplace to be! Although I live in a suburb of Birmingham, I travel all over the world, helping people, doing God's bidding and also visiting casinos. As often as my busy jetset schedule allows I'll be updating you with all my latest predictions and passions - quite literally telling you the news before it happens.
I know Alex is thrilled that I have agreed to write this section for his website and frankly why wouldn't he be? After all, I was recently shortlisted for the post of resident astrologer on GMTV and even though I didn't actually get the job that was more by mutual agreement than anything, and besides I knew from the karma that their stupid producer was a halfwit who couldn't spot talent if it got up and punched him in the face. No, in fact he'd call Security, have that talent thrown onto the street, and then press charges. The bastard. I see nothing but disease and unhappiness for his future, believe you me.
Anyhow, I'm not violating the terms of my parole by telling you that The English cricket team can expect a change in luck before the end of the decade. According to my sources on the other side, Nasser Hussain's whipping boys will turn whippers in their own right, reclaiming the Ashes and triumphing in the following World Cup. The football equivalent to that trophy will also be "coming home" to these shore before too many winters have passed. I have clearly seen David Beckham score a winning goal in the final, probably in 2006, although maybe not until the next one if Sven persists in picking the Neville brothers.
But sporting success will not be the only imminent triumph of this sceptred isle. After a dark period caused by "liberalism" and "democracy" I see a new political party, one that is at this very moment in its infancy with only 4 members and that includes a dog, but a party that will grow strong as more and more Britons flock to its sensible policies of Martial law and
Imperialist expansion. This party will be led by a charismatic man of about my height and about my age who hails from the Solihull area. This great leader will restore the Empress-ship of India to the Queen and reclaim America for the Crown before turning his attentions to space and forming his own glorious galactic empire. Also he will get rid of GMTV and bring
back TVAM.
Good news, eh? (at least as long as you're not foreign!) But this column will not just deal with great affairs of state. No, I'm just as interested in you, the little people, and seeing what my extraordinary powers can do to make your lives that bit more bearable. Each time I'll be selecting two people WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET and revealing what they can do to achieve
some kind of personal Nirvana.
First up is Mr Wally Beavis of Staines in Surrey. At the moment, Wally you're mourning the loss of your beloved mother, Nerys. This grief is affecting your work as a florist and because you are the owner there is a chance you could lose your business. Well, Wally, the solution to your difficulties is clear. I want you to sell your shop for as much as you can get and then spend the money on campaign literature for the Great British Party, a sterling new political movement that can be found in the Midlands. Don't try to fight this, Wally, because Nerys has been in touch from the spirit world and we're both agreed that it is your destiny.
The next lucky beneficary of my free lesson in self-fullfilment is Dr Geraldine Butthead from Cardiff, in Wales. Geraldine, I know you work very long hours in an NHS hospital and that many of your patients have painful and incurable conditions. I sense your frustration that the financial restrictions you're under mean that the best care is not always available and that every so often there is what might be described as an "avoidable fatality". Your path from this point, Geraldine, is so obvious I am surprised you've not yet felt it calling to you. Yes, Geraldine, you must ring up the leader of the Great British Party and offer to setup the Welsh branch of his soon to be all-conquering organization. It's time to give up a life of medicine and instead treat the ailments that really affect us - i.e. the combined factors of moral decline, freedom of speech and World War 2 being won by the bad guys.
Well, that's all I can do for you this time, Britain, but I'll be back soon with another great installment of The Paranormal Experience. In the meantime, why not re-read this one again and again to make sure you've taken it all in?
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