I have been pondering a lot lately, about many things although mainly about love, relationships and the things that I swear don’t rule 90% of my waking thoughts, but in fact do. There’s been a consistent soundtrack to this pondering, a little Granddaddy here or particular angst fave Nothing Hurts Now by Magnet there, at least now I’m listening to the music rather than it washing over me whilst I hang in limbo waiting for recovery of body and soul.
Some time ago I met a boy, I went around swooning quite a lot and fell hopelessly and irrevocably in love in the space of 24 hours. We talked and laughed and danced, if there was a theme for those first few weeks it would be Coldplay’s A Rush Of Blood To The Head, the track and the album. One night he stared into my eyes for almost the whole length of the title track without hardly blinking, yes, a rush of blood to the head sums it up pretty well. Funny how music gets under your skin and how you associate it with those moments so intense you think you’ll never be able to forget them. I often wondered if that particular piece of music made that moment, if it would have been even half as intense with just silence ruling. Who knows? Not me. I do know the boy was responsible for many things including me developing a burgeoning appreciation for the likes of Nine Inch Nails, there’s humour in them there Trent songs if you choose to see it. Well we did, we sat many a time ripping the piss out of Trent and his angst. His heart would be grey …if he even had a heart in "Something I Can Never Have". Then almost as fleetingly as it all began , it began to end, Embrace’s "My Weakness is None Of Your Business" and Jeff Buckley’s "Last Goodbye" became the songs of our impending doom. Not for him, just for me, as I sat staring at walls alone trying to envision all the ways it was so obviously going to end. Then it did. No music this time, just shouting and the dead of night.
So followed a period when the Coldplay CD was shoved away in a box somewhere dark and Elbow (the first CD he ever bought me) became a dirty word. Nine Inch Nails came in very handy in the following weeks but I didn’t really listen to them, it was just like some ambient noise designed to half alleviate the feeling inside. I was resentful, a lot of the songs I loved became an everyday threat. Someone put my James CD on and I flew into a rage at the sound of "Sometimes" playing (“Sometimes when I look into you eyes I swear I can see your soul”). How dare he! How dare he leave me and not even allow me with the
Slowly though things started to get better, then one day I found myself playing the Sugababes Stronger, not a usual band of choice, but it was almost like I was under some other worldly control as I wandered round the house warbling it at the top of my voice. And suddenly I realised, I could no longer remember his voice or the way his hair looked flowing over the pillow when he slept and although I didn’t feel happy, I felt content.
This may have been down to the presence of another mop haired boy in my life at that time. I can’t say for sure, but I figure he had a not insignificant role to play in my recovery from my desperation. We shared sad stories about break-ups and moods and quoted Withnail almost every day via the gift of text, I made him listen to Aim, which he liked and I bought Nightmares On Wax after hearing it in his flat one morning. I made him a CD….cue intakes of breath from friends who although they did not shake their heads physically, you could tell they were doing it on the inside. Still it was just a CD! Even after one night when we lay drunk on the floor listening to track whatever on the chill out section of it “Nobody's song in particular” by Grand Drive, and he exclaimed, having never heard it before “That was amazing what was that”. It was still JUST A CD. No bonding here over melancholy tunes, no sir. Awww, I get all wistful about him sometimes, rather like I get wistful about the moment Russell and Penny Lane meet for the “first” time in Almost Famous. Sort of sniffle wistful, in a good way. Lemon Jelly and Kings Of Leon are the sounds that spring to my mind when thinking about him, the way he does that thing with his eyes or purses his lips in an _expression of “I’m innocent”. Yeah right.
Still, it will never be as my heart and spirit still belong to the boy who annihilated them some time ago, but I thank him for giving me back my passion for music and at least I discovered Car Boot Soul out of it.
Coldplay have made an unexpected return to the stereo lately. I can now listen to Mr Martin uttering “So I crawl back into you open arms” at the end of Warning Sign without feeling like I want to go and garrotte myself with a cheesewire. This is possibly because time has passed, or because the boy is a presence in my life once more. Unexpected yes. Not entirely unwelcome either. Now Aim’s Cold Water Music and Floetry’s Floetic are the most played CD’s, both of which the boy is responsible for me liking. At first I was wary of admitting that I liked these CD’s, that I had found myself irascibly drawn to stoner cool British hip hop because of him. They were going to be showpieces for the CD rack, a kind of “Hey look at me, look at my hip hop CD’s resting comfortably next to Pet Sounds or Grace, aren’t I cool? Aren’t I eclectic”, statement. They were never going to get played; it was like admitting defeat, acknowledging just how much influence the boy had been in my life.
They are being played now though, to death, who knows what’s going to happen, but I like the influence. We spent the other night sat on the sofa watching some live recording of David Gray on C4 in the early hours. The boy was holding my hand and when the head wobbling balladeer performed Be Mine, the boy’s hand held mine so tightly I thought he was going to cut off my blood supply. But I didn’t mind really, I knew why he was doing it, I knew he liked that song, I knew what it meant and now I like that song too. Yes I like the boy again and now I like David Gray, I had a moment to him. So you might as well shoot me now. Just make sure there’s some Jeff Buckley playing in the background when you do. It’s only fitting.
Izzy Brooks.
Previous Say Anything Articles:
For Those About To Rock...Dolce and Gabanna Salute You
Classifying Music
My Name's Richard and I Am An Addict.
Nelly - Work It
British Film Industry "On The Rocks"
Freeview: You Get What You Pay For?
Good DVD, Bad DVD
ITV In The Doghouse
The Lack Of British Sci-fi / Fantasy Tv
Britain's Greatest Screen Actor?
Comic Movies
The Best Films of The Year...So Far
Whatever Happened To Sky One?
Timelash
