Dir: Shawn Levy. Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy, Christian Kane, Taran Killam, Monet Mazur.
A medley of emotions was going through me as I went to see Just Married. Disillusionment, at the studios who are prepared to foist endless amounts of crap at us. Puzzlement, at why anybody would want to go to the movies post-Christmas. And finally, dread, at the prospect of having to see the latest Steven Seagal “vehicle” later that afternoon.
Getting the picture yet? If you want a case of post-seasonal depression, head to the multiplex after Christmas and you’ll be popping Xanax before you can say “John Carpenter”. Just Married, while hardly Satan-bile, is a wan half-baked effort that makes Two Weeks Notice look like an original, sincere and not at all market-driven film.
Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy are the young couple, Tom and Sarah. Everyone’s told them they’re too young to get married, but nobody told them that they’re too stupid. It’s a shame, because the end of the gene pool these guys crawled out of wouldn’t drown the cast of Willow. Accidents happen to them like see-through tops happen to Holly Valance; they’re nearly constant, and they’re always bad.
So heading off to Europe for their honeymoon, and wouldn’t ya just know it? They have a whole heap of accidents! Don’t worry, though, the preview has shown pretty much every single incident with more wit and comic timing than the film, so you’ll have plenty of time to prepare yourself.
In some respects, Just Married is from the newer Jenny Craig school of Hollywood filmmaking. The screenplay’s been put on a protein-only diet, and anything not deemed absolutely essential has been stripped away. Things like subplots, characterisation and wordplay are nowhere to be seen. On the positive side, this leaves a lot more room for slapstick – which to be fair, is all that the preview promised. Some of it is even funny, but with such flimsy characterisation, there’s nothing to pin it on.
Like opening a beer bottle with your eye socket, Just Married is all idiocy and no fun. I’m prepared to forgive a lot in the name of romantic comedy, but true love isn’t at the core of Just Married. The somewhat boring moral of the story is that, sometimes, couples have arguments. I know that couples have arguments. I’ve seen Jerry Springer, and let me tell you; a couple of cross-dressing lesbian midgets would have made a world of difference to this film.
C -
Patrick Garson.
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