Jon Holmes is the new co-host (and co-writer) of the vastly improved Eleven O'Clock Show and he kindly took the time out to have a cyberchat with our very own Simon Bailey.
SB: Hello Jon. Thanks for cyber talking to me. How’s life treating you?
JH: It treats me like I am it’s television bitch.
What was the little… hang on, I’ll start again. What was the young Jon Holmes like?
Younger. With less nappies.
Most people, as they were taller than me. Although I looked up to Petra the Blue Peter dog and was really upset when I accidentally killed her. The trap was meant for Peter Purves.
How come you decided on an entertainment career?
I got the sack from most other places.
What is on your CV at the moment?
A coffee mug stain and something that could be a DNA strand.
You already have a website dedicated to you, I don’t know if you are aware of it. What do you think of this?
I am aware of it. I believe it is themed in purple. It’s maintained by Jake – who I understand to be disabled so he doesn’t get out much.
You have gone from relative unknown to presenter rather quickly. How does it feel to rise so suddenly?
I am used to rising suddenly. And often without warning if I’m honest.
Are you enjoying life on the show?
Yes.
What’s the feisty Sarah Alexander like?
Shorter than me. My love for her though, is almost illegal. (Did you know by the way she is actually shorter than me in real life but wears two inch heels whenever we’re on screen? Tch.)
Iain Lee left because of a supposed row with the Producer over appalling scripts. As a writer of the show, what do you have to say?
I think that was a press misquote – I think he left because the scripts were more ‘appealing’. I could be wrong though.
You present the show and you are a writer. How much of your time does the show take up?
Five days a week. At the weekend I retire to my castle and rejuvenate myself with the blood of virgin milkmaids.
What do you do with what spare time you have?
See above.
Where will the future Jon Holmes be?
The future Jon Holmes? I imagine he will be a fusion of metal and flesh and roaming post-apocalyptic Earth in an effort to track down and kill the leader of the resistance.
Part of being on 11OCS is knowing as many different words for cock as possible. How many can you name in thirty seconds?
Twenty.
And the same for wank?
Six. No, seven.
What’s your favourite euphonism(s)?
Open Club Sandwich.
What is/are your favourite thing(s)?
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowdrops that fall on my nose and eyelashes.
And what do you detest?
Celery.
What car do you drive?
I find that Noddy’s is a ideal size.
Who is your ideal woman?
Sarah Alexander holding a banana.
What is the funniest thing you have seen or heard?
See above.
Finally, what has been your most embarrassing moment?
Again, see above.
Thanks Jon. Great to cyber chat to you.
And you Simon. By the way – I saw that you called my Gig Guide “rather poor”. Don’t think I didn’t. (Although I’d have put “largely incomprehensible pointless shouting” as well.)
Click here for The Sarah Alexander Interview
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