A GARBLED GUIDE SPECIAL - IZZY'S GREEK ODYSSEY Or How I married a Greek bus conductor! Day 1 - Fly into Skiathos Island with friend 1 and 2. Land on one of the shortest runways in the world. Try not to vomit heart out of mouth upon the screaming reverse thrust landing. Exit plane to stifling evening heat. Send text saying "ooo I like it warm but I don't like it this warm" to about 500 people. Day 2 - Visit the to the local beach. Slather on sun factor 1500 and purchase a fluorescent pink rubber ring so you can be at one with nature and swim in the emerald sea without your feet actually risking coming into contact with anything marine like. Relax for ten minutes repeatedly exalting "This is the life" before asking if anyone's bored yet. Try not to stare in disbelief at huge fat old topless ladies in the event that they might be Polish Lesbians and catch you looking. Retire to apartments and fall asleep by 6pm whilst being dive-bombed by suicidal mosquitoes. Day 3 - Risk local bus service to venture into town and do what girls do best. Shop. Fall in love with bus conductor man on way, (nice eyes, good hair, average teeth) and spend rest of morning vehemently insisting to your friends "our eyes met and there was connection". Dreamily wander around thinking about said connection until you are snapped out of your reverie by the need to purchase fridge magnets, soap and Skiathos beach towels for family and friends back home. Return back to apartments, have swim, eat a Cornetto and wonder if its too early to start drinking yet. In evening venture out to local taverna where you will deliberate over whether you can really face another Moussaka.
	Day 4 - Wake up excited as you have shelled out a weeks wages to be sailed out on a Catamaran to see dolphins, be fed fine foods and quaff fine wines. Board Catamaran and sail out to sea by which point its too late to do anything when it becomes apparent this is Catamaran boot camp. Drink the tiny amount of crap wine and eat a ham and invisible cheese baguette for lunch whilst not daring to move off the deck in case you are shouted at. Hear the dulcet tones of the Captain shouting, "There is no more wine..YOU HAVE DRUNK ALL THE WINE YOU ENGLISH FOOLS" at someone else and calculate whether you could swim back to shore without drowning. In fact you don't even care whether you drown by this point. Spend the rest of the afternoon laughing it off and taking silly pictures whilst silently vowing to wreak terrible revenge on all boating mankind.  Day 5 - Take bus down to Koukounaries beach. Lock eyes with future husband again on way and try to act nonchalant. Exit bus with maximum of grace and walk off towards beach swinging your hips in case he's looking. Pay 500 million Euro for the use of an umbrella and then when it proves not enough hide under
					Day 4 - Confusion sets in at Catamaran boot camp.
	your sarong all day, occasionally venturing out to hurl yourself at speed into the sea before your head has chance to catch fire. Decide that Koukounaries must translate into English as Sweaty Cuckoos Arse beach and give up at 3pm. Cry when future husband isn't on bus but also be thankful as your face looks like a baboon's arse. Head into town in evening for big night out on a bus that threatens to lurch over a cliff edge at every bend and celebrate arriving alive by having one drink and going home to bed by 11pm.
	Day 6 - Wake up to cloud and feel very unimpressed. Spend day by the pool doing fuck all and get excited when Location, Location, Location comes on TV in the pool bar. Follow up this high point with a meal at the islands best restaurant overlooking the bay, stuff yourself silly with great food and decent wine. After all you're worth it.  Day 7 - Sit in pool bar all day watching the rainfall. Exhaust the delights of satellite TV and eeek lunch out so it lasts 2 hours. Curse all the miserable bastards back home that won't reply to your texts and consider drinking a full bottle of Ouzo to pass the next few hours in one seamless bout of unconsciousness. When cabin fever gets too much in the evening, venture back into town and embark on an impromptu session. Drunkenly plan to steal a 20 million-pound yacht moored in the harbour but decide you don't know your knots well enough anymore. Roll around on some multicoloured cushions at the Rock and Roll bar and have pictures taken of you by complete strangers. Catch last bus back and attempt to find out name of future husband from his colleague who is the epitome of Greek slime and claims he knows no such man whilst simultaneously trying to persuade your friend to meet him later in Skiathos town. Laugh it off cause you've just drunk half a pint of Jagermeister. Day 8 - Wake up and realise it's your last few hours on the island. Intend to make the most of it by panic souvenir shopping and eating monumentous cakes to quell the hangover. Board bus to town and experience your heart yelp as future husband is on board. Spend rest of journey wishing the bus would go over the cliff edge as friend no 2 asks future husband's name. Try to stifle hysterical laughter as he replies "Manuel". Lock eyes for what you presume will be the last time *sniff* and run off sharpish when friend 2 nicks your digi camera and try's to take a photo of him and his bus. Purchase some Greek slippers which you misguidedly think are cute and random postcard of Greek old woman baking bread. Eat an unfeasibley large cake and repress the urge to vomit everywhere.
					Day 6 - Because we're worth it. The view that is.
					Day 7 - Cocktails and cushions are us.
	Lament a lot on the return bus journey when Manuel is nowhere to be seen. Catch Manuel obviously looking as you pass his bus going in the opposite direction, smile insanely at him and carry on feeling rather smug. Despite the cloud cover spend the last hour by the pool in your bikini being typically English and desperately trying to catch rays and then head off for coach transfer to airport. See future husband go past doing his ticket thang..and wave and return to dreamlike reverie, involving Greek orthodox weddings and living in a villa overlooking the sea. Board flight. Try not to die of shock at steep stake off and burst into tears about leaving ya man behind. Watch Stepford wives on way back and realise it's a really shit film. Day 9 - Home. Rain. General crap. Spend day emailing the corrupt (allegedly) council of Skiathos people trying to get a correspondence address for the bus company that runs out of a shed (basically). Almost give up. Decide to post letter to Addressee: Manuel, Longish dark hair, Drives a moped, "We had a connection", Drinks coffee, Bus conductor, "Why me, why me/" Between stops 1-26 Skiathos , Greece, Etc. For destiny convinces you that it will reach the right person.  Day 10 - Await reply. Will it be happy ever after? Stay tuned folks! Izzy Brooks. pixie@happyandlost.co.uk Previously Garbled Guide's: 3) Leeds and Manchester 2) Cheltenham Spa. 1) Devon. Comments?
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