With Noel Gallagher, God, Jeremy Paxman and Jarvis Cocker
Welcome to the first in a regular series of interviews where we get a bunch of top celebrities together down the pub, get them pissed, and see just how long it takes for them to start talking utter bollocks.
For this first interview we were able to get the creator of everything, God, the lyricist from Oasis, Noel Gallagher, the singer from Pulp, Jarvis Cocker, and Jeremy Paxman – who needs no introduction, down the Beehive in Reigate.
Wish It Were True News: Good morning Gentleman. Now, what would you like to drink?
God: Gin and tonic, please.
Noel: Lager
Jarvis: Lager, with a dash of lime.
Paxman: Just shut up all of you and get me five pints. Stella. Now!
WIWTN: Okay, let’s start the ball rolling with the first question. If you were God, what would you do to change the world?
God: Um, well, ahem. I’ve clearly thought about this question a lot in recent years, what with the dramatic decline in my audience ratings, I think that each new Christian who converts from atheism should get a new house.
Jarvis: But, that’s just, like, bribery, to get you to believe in something that…well, something that a lot of people don’t believe in.
Noel: Now for free lager for life, I’d support any fucking higher being.
Paxman: Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. If you could change anything then surely you should just make the whole world a beautiful paradise where everyone is naked all the time, without a care in the world, just shagging when and where they want too.
Jarvis: Well, like, who’d produce food for everyone to eat, like?
God: Well, I did think about having canned food trees, but, well, I just never got round to it.
Noel: I’m fucking bored of this. Next question.
The panel spend the next three hours answering our next question, “Who would you most like to shag in the world?” changing their mind constantly until they all agree with Jarvis Cocker’s idea of Britnery Spears’ head and chest, Cameron Diaz’s stomach and legs, Drew Barrymore’s feet and Billie’s arse. Though God did change his mind at the last moment, and go back to his original choice of the Virgin Mary.
WIWTN: Okay. Next Question. Finally. Who do you think has been the most evil person in the 20th Century?
Jarvis: Well, it’s got to be Hitler, ain’t it? Cause he’s indirectly killed more people than anyone else. Ever.
God: Bar Satan.
Jarvis: Yeah, whatever.
God: Look, all fucking night you’ve been dismissing me, suggesting I don’t exist, ignoring the threat Satan poses to all of you? What’s your fucking problem?
Noel: Aye. You fucking tell him.
Jarvis: I just have a bit of difficulty in believing in God when he looks so much like David Essex.
God. Oh. Yes. Well. It’s just one of those very, very embarrassing coincidences.
Paxman: Very embarrassing.
Noel: Oi, leave him fucking alone. It’s not his fault. Anyway, let’s get back to the question. Most evil man? Got to be Cliff Richard.
Jarvis: that’s just such an obvious answer. And it ain’t funny. Just an easy target. But then you’re pretty used to going for the ‘obvious jugular’ aren’t you Gallagher.
Noel: Are you fucking insulting me? Are you? Are you? or is the obvious jugular a good thing?
Paxman: Just shut up. The answer to your question is Margaret Thatcher, with the Queen Mother coming a close second. Next Question.
The panel spend another two hours discussing who the most important person in the twentieth century is before coming up with their answers.
God: Me.
Noel. Aye. Right. It probably is you.
Jarvis: Warhol. Or maybe Scott Walker.
Paxman: Me! Next Question.
The drink, and the arguments were flowing as fast and thickly as badly cooked porridge by this point, so we knew we had to throw something in to liven up the proceedings.
WIWTN: Has God abandoned us, or did he simply never exist?
God: Oh for fucks sake. Do you think this is the only planet in the whole fucking Universe than I have to look after? There are fucking millions! Trillions! I don’t have the time to stop every single little tornado or similar little disaster. Quite a few planets explode without me even noticing. I’d like to do more, but there’s only so much I can do.
Jarvis: So, like, are you saying your creation is out of control, that we live in a fateless society which might end at any moment?
God: Well, yes, I’m afraid so.
Noel: Fucking Hell.
Paxman: I knew that all along.
God: Did you fuck.
Jarvis: Both are you a right bunch of smug wankers.
Noel: Marvellous. A good old fashioned pub fight. Come on everybody, let’s sort this outside!
God: Alright.
Jarvis: Yeah!
Paxman: Fine. I’ve just got to nip to the loo.
Despite our best efforts, violence ensued. Fortunately no one was seriously hurt before the police arrived.
Next Time In Down The Pub:
Damon Albarn, Clint Eastwood, Satan and Peter Stringfellow will be getting slashed in The White Horse, Dorking.
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