From Wish It Were True? News November 1961
Almost forgotten filmmaker Orson Welles, who is currently selling roadmaps by the sides of busy roads to help finance his next film, has announced plans to make a sequel to his first film, Citizen Kane.
Speaking at a press conference that at least five people attended, he informed us that Kane 2: Kane’s Revenge would begin filming early next year, with a proposed budget of at least thirty three dollars. “Kane 2 will be a masterpiece,” he told us, “a post modern horror story that will scare people to death, or at least in to a coma. The plot revolves around Charlie Kane becoming a ghost, and seeking revenge on all the people who criticised him in the first film. There’ll be plenty of blood and gore for the teenage generation, with a sprinkling of adult humour for the one or two older people in the audience.”
When pressed for details of the stars he hoped would appear in the film, he then announced that he intended on playing all the parts in the film. “I’ve got plenty of wigs and false moustaches lying around at home, and I’m sure I’ll be able to borrow a few ripped dresses from various whores I know for the female roles,” he informed us, before leaving in a hurry, as he was apparently late for his first mid-afternoon meal.
From Wish It Were True? News, July 1302
Famous outlaw Robin Hood is to be divorced from his common law wife, Maid Marion, after years of marriage. Whilst Robin and Marion were too upset to talk to our undercover reporter, Richard of Lakes Wood, he was able to have a brief chat with their close friend Friar Tuck, who claimed that he knew the real reasons why the couple had decided to part.
“Marion hasn’t been happy for years,” he claimed, “what with Robin constantly being away from home, saving various people’s lives and indulging in homosexual pursuits, and she’s decided she just can’t take it anymore.” When pressed on the rumours that she was having an affair with Will Scarlet, Tuck immediately denied such stories, “No, no, no, no, no,” he spluttered, “that’s just a lie that the Sheriff of Nottingham made up to try and create mistrust between the band of merry men. And I promise you it’s simply not true. Anyway, she told me herself that she intends on becoming celibate from now on, as, apparently, all men and women are crap in bed.”
Expect more news on this exciting story, soon, or at least sometime in the next fifty years or so.
EX-PM GOES ON THE GAME TO FINANCE HUSBAND’S ALCOHOL ADDICTION
From Wish It Were True? News April 1991.
Politician’s the world over have been shocked by the the dramatic fall from grace of Great Britain’s
Our chief vice reporter, Alex Terry, noticed her card whilst idly wondering around Soho, looking for ex-members of Bananaram, whom he had been informed were now working in sleazy strip shows. After calling the number he was sent to an address on Berwick Street, and upon entering found Mrs Thatcher in fish net stockings and a skimpy red bra. When asked why she had turned to such desperate lengths to earn money, she claimed it was due to her husband’s alcohol abuse. “He drinks more than twenty bottles of champagne a day,” she may have said, “Which was fine when I was PM as it kept him relatively quiet, but it costs so much that I’ve been forced to turn to vice to supplement my income.”
Mr Terry then paid her fifty pounds for full sex, which he claimed to enjoy. “It was great,” he told us later, “far better than the session I had with Boy George a few months ago.”
From Wish It Were True? News December 1976
Punk band The Sex Pistols have dismayed their fans by apologising for swearing on national tv. Guitarist Steve Jones, who outrageously said ‘You dirty fucker, you rotter’ live on air told are reporter that he didn’t know what came over him: “I’m so incredibly embarrassed, my mum and gran were watching the show, and when I came home they gave me a right telling off. And to be honest, I deserved it, and to show them that I was truly sorry, I voluntarily went to the bathroom and washed my teeth out, with real soap, not the fake stuff, for over an hour.”
Lead singer Johnny Rotten was equally apologetic – and has since claimed that he was hypnotised before going on air, possibly by a BBC employee, and has no memory of appearing on the show. “I
Whatever the future of the band, if there is one, that is, you can be sure to read about it here.
From Wish It Were True? News March 1942
Popular Movie Star Jimmy Stewart was caught phoning what is popularly known as a ‘whore’ from a London Phone Box yesterday.
The movie star, in England to promote his new film ‘A Wonderful Life’ was photographed by one of our top reporters calling a 24 year old woman who offered such services as ‘topless hand relief’ and ‘breast rubbage’ and we believe he intended to visit the young lady before we apprehended him. In what was obviously a state of shock, he tried to deny his actions, before breaking down and admitting: “Alright, alright, you’ve found me out. I’m a virgin. It’s not my fault though. Everyone thinks that I’m such a nice guy that nobody wants to fuck me
He then proceeded to run away, crying like a small child. Friends of Stewart, however, were not shocked by his actions. Cary Grant told us personally that he thought ‘it was only a matter of time before he paid to insert his penis in to a woman’s orifice – you could see it in his eyes.’
Stewart joins a long list of famous stars caught trying pay for women’s company, including Charlie Chaplin, Orson Welles and Harold Lloyd, all of whom went on to wildly successful careers after similar ‘embarrassing situations’, and thus it is unlikely that this will affect his box-office clout too much, though rumours that his next film is about a man trying to screw an invisible rabbit have yet to be confirmed.
From Wish It Were True? News August 1968.
Elvis Presley has shocked his legion of fans, most of which are hairless, by planning to release a single that he describes as ‘death thrash metal with no cheese attached’.
Speaking to our head reporter, Mr Graham Cleeves, earlier today, he told us: “I’m really tired of releasing dull rock and roll tunes – I want to release a record which means something to the kids today. This new track has really heavy, thrashy guitar on it, and the lyrics revolve around killing your parents. Cause, like, that’s what the children of the future want to do, oh yeah, baby.” Fans around the world, yes, all of it, even in the poorer countries where electricity hasn’t been introduced yet, have been shocked by The King’s plans, and those who have heard the record have reportedly been quite ill for some time since. Mr John Peel, a radio DJ, informed us that “this record is like nothing anyone has ever heard before. It’s dark, evil, and the line ‘Hit your Mum, Stab Your Dad, When you kill your parent’s, you’ll be Glad’ is not only rude, but also quite inappropriate in today’s violent climate.”
The single, entitled ‘Kill Kill Kill’ is to be released in September on EMI records, and we will just have to wait and see if it brings about the end of civilisation later that month.
 |
| Let Spyonit.com notify you when this page changes! |