Looking to find a way to pass those oh so boring hours at work? Desperate to find some of the coolest, funniest and most bizarre games on the net? Well your long quest is over, as here's our regularly updated guide to the best games on the net.
A-TRAIN
It looks terrible, you only need to click the mousebutton a lot, and well, it’s hardly 21st century gaming, but sod it, A-train is alright you klnow. And at the end of the day that’s all that counts. All you have to do is make sure a train doesn’t crash by, ahem, jumping over a variety of obstacles. So why do we like this so? Well, it moves fast, it’s daft fun, and, er, almost impossible (but just about) to fail at it. So no classic then, but worthy of a few minutes of your time.
Rating 5/10
Link: http://www.sabgames.com/arcade/atrain.html
BILBANA
Ever fancied building your own virtual Scaelextric track and then racing a parrot. Yes? Well do I have the game for you. I’m not sure how I came across this site, but late one night recently I found myself in charge of creating the perfect track layout and then racing and losing abysmally to a parrot. I’m sure it’s rigged and it’s not helped by the fact that the site is in German (I think - my grasp of German stems to being able to ask where the train station is). It’s worth it though for the paltry engine sound effect (was it modelled on a Lawnmower?). And the parrot which has a laugh unlike any parrot I’ve come across. Surreal but could ultimately become monotonous.
Rating 5.5/10
Link: http://www.tv4.se/lattjo/kojan/bilbanan.asp
BOOKWORM
One for the more cerebral amongst you – it’s like an online version of the popular wordgame Boggle where you have to link letters together to make words, and the longer ones you get, the more points you receive. Gets a little boring after a while though, but it’s fun enough.
Rating: 6 (or 8 if you really love this sort of thing)
Link: http://www.popcap.com/gamepopup.php?theGame=bookworm
CAT BOWLING
A deeply complicated strategy game which you’ll need all your wits about you – oh, alright, I’m lying. Its bowling. But with cats instead of pins that you need to knock down. So sure, its all a little daft, but its surprisingly fun, and hey, there are far worse ways to spend half an hour or so on the net, trust me!
Rating: 6
Link: http://www.bravozulu.com/cathome/Cat_Bowling/index.cfm
CELEBDAQ
Very similar to Popex (see the review below), but with celebrities from tv, film and comedy as well, the twist here is that it’s tied in with BBC3’s upcoming tv show of the same name. Its pretty fun stuff, though could do with a few more celebs than it already has.
Rating: 7
Link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/celebdaq/
DONKEYKONG
The arcade classic in java form, it’s pretty much identical, bar that you have to have the screen on the rather small side or it’s all terribly slow.
Rating: 8. Well it’s an all time classic isn’t it!
Link: http://cottage.emuunlim.com/cottage/dkongjp.htm
DYNOMITE
Classic mix of Tetris and Klax type puzzlers where coloured blobs move down the screen and you have to link three of the same colours together before they get to the bottom of the screen. Ridiculously difficult even in the easier mode, but a lot of fun, and something which is extremely easy to pick up and play.
Rating: 7 (though it would be an 8 if it was slightly easier.)
Link: http://www.popcap.com/
FLY THE COPTER
Incredibly old style arcade game where you have to guide a helicopter through a randomly generated tunnel. And that’s it. Sounds awful yeah? Well strangely it’s not – somehow it’s ridiculously addictive, mainly due to an urge to beat your previous high score. It is frustrating though, occasionally there are points where you just cant get through a section of the tunnel, and the collision detection could be a little better too. Still, fun though, and surely that’s what counts the most.
Rating: 6 (but it would be higher if the collision detection was better)
Link: http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_coast/helicopter_game.htm
HYPERSPORTS
Yep, its another identical Java version of an arcade classic, this time round the thumb numbing sports game Hypersports. Its actually very simplistic and not that great, but its nostalgia value is huge. Perhaps not the best game to play whilst at work though, and constant thumping of the keyboard may alert your bosses to the fact that you’re not infact working hard.
Rating: 5
Link: http://cottage.emuunlim.com/cottage/hyperspt.htm
INSANIQUARIUM
Ahhh! This is ridiculously addictive yet utterly bizarre. What you have to do is keep fish alive. By feeding them. And protecting them from evil aliens. So yeah, realism’s so not the case here, but it’s damn addictive in a daft kind of way, and if under the influence of alcohol you really start caring for the poor little fishies. Or is that just me?
Rating: 8
Link: http://www.popcap.com/
ISKETCH
It’s pictionary! But an online version where you play against up to nine others. And I can’t stop playing it even though I normally hate pictionary when forced to play it at Christmas. Though admittedly my family can't draw to save their lives. Not that they've ever been put in a situation where they've had too. Anyhow, this is top stuff, made all the more enjoyable by the chat room facility at the bottom of the page where you can spend hours criticising others art work. If you're bored anyhow.
Rating: 9
Link: http://www.isketch.net/
KILL JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
Ah, how we love this game. And if you hate the pop muppet who’s desperate to be credible and feel the urge to kill him without then spending the rest of your life in prison, then here’s your chance.
It’s pretty simple stuff – but pretty fun despite this – where you guide a crossfire around the screen and when Justin is in your sites you shoot him dead. But make sure you don’t miss or you may end up being captured by security. And well, it made us chuckle anyway. If for some reason you’re a fan of the man though, you can also take aim at Britney, the rest of NSYNC, and Avril Lavigne.
Rating: 7/10
Link: http://www.newgrounds.com/assassin/justin/
LEMMINGS
Oh my god how this brings back memories of spending many an hour hunched over my Amiga 500 trying (at least some of the time) not to kill to many of the annoying little bastards. And hey! It’s still stands up as an addictive and enjoyable game to this day. It is a little on the slow side though (even when using broadband) so try not to get too frustrated with it, though the fast forward option helps a lot.
Rating: 8
Link: http://crew.tweakers.net/crisp/lemmings/
MAD JAPANESE GAMES
Bizarre selection of simple games, though all of them are in Japanese and a fair few just don’t make sense. But the second along involves blowing a balloon with a cat attached to it along the screen without either killing the moggy or bursting the balloon. Strange but lovely then.
Rating: 7
Link: http://ece4co.vis.ne.jp/game.html
MINI GOLF
Available via FHM’s 100 greatest online games, this is surely just the best way to pass time at work whilst the boss isn’t looking (though just incase my boss is reading this, obviously I never ever play it during work time). A cartoony, simple but ridiculously fun game of mini-golf, it’s about as realistic as these kind of things ever get.
The only real problem with it is that sometimes you just cant see where the hole you’re aiming for is at, and there’s only 18 holes in total, and if it wasn’t for this, the overall scored would be much higher. But what do you expect for free? Eh?!
Rating: 5/10
Link: http://www.fhm.co.uk/
THE MINI MIZER – PICTURE YOURSELF IN PLASTIC
Not strictly a competitive game but seriously addictive for all of us still kids at heart types.
Basically you can build your own Lego person…there are tons of choices for every possible element like clothing, colour and whether your little virtual Lego creation gets to grasp in it’s plastic claw a rose (for the romantic types), a Harp (for those bending towards musical cultural pursuits), a bow and arrow (wanna be Robin Hoods or serial killers) and many more besides. It may not sound like much fun but I have spent hours recently creating Lego version’s of amongst others: my boyfriend (skater type dude), the whole of GC fave band Longview (the hair options didn’t quite stretch unfortunately) and Craig Nicholls from The Vines (He looked very angry but I couldn’t find a burger for him to hold so he had to make do with a guitar).
There again I have no life.
Rating 7/10
Link: http://www.reasonablyclever.com/mini/index.html
NOBBY NUSS
Incredibly playable platformer where you guide a cute ickle squirrel around the screen collecting nuts. Yep, it’s simple, but the levels have been nicely designed, and nostalgia wise it’s so similar to many a Spectrum / C64 game that you’ll love it to pieces (if youre old enough to know what they are anyway.
There’s nowt more to say really, it’s once again throwaway fun, and what more can you ask for than that from this kind of thing?
Rating: 7/10
Link: http://www.uni-mainz.de/~rathb000/Nobby/Game.html
PEGBALL
Now this is a strange one. At first glance it looks as boring as a forced Friday night in when the only channel you have is UK Gold doing a special Keeping Up Appearances night. Which to be quite frank would be pretty fucking boring.
It’s just a few pegs that rotate and flick a ball about I hear you cry! Well be warned, this game is strangely addictive. It actually takes a bit of acquired skill to fling the ball about and achieve a goal, and coupled with the ability to type and make your pegs talk – thus you can taunt your opponent with some choice words (no referee’s here) or like me satisfy yourself by doing Alan Partridge impressions “That was liquid Pegball!” - it makes it more compelling than you may have anticipated. Ideally you get your friends in on it and play in the game rooms against one of them as, A) it’s more fun trouncing a mate at it and B) you may end up playing against some strange 15 year old eastern European lad who despite his complete inability to speaka da English insists on trying to chat you up at every available opportunity.
Which I can testify is quite unnerving, Beckham doesn’t have to put up with that sort of crap.
Rating 7.5/10 until I get bored of it.
Link: http://www.titoonic.dk/products/games/pegball/
POPEX
Fancy yourself as a bit of a financial whizzkid, but don’t fancy the long hours and the pin stripe suits, which go hand in hand with a city job! Still a bit of a muso hippie loafer at heart? Then before growing up and getting an ISA, take a trial run on PopEx.
Simple in premise, register to get your free virtual five grand to spend on any band you like, either one or as many as you like from the menu! The aim? Make bucket loads and retire to virtual St Tropez of course.
A word of advice read the rules and guidelines before you start buying – so you have at least half a clue what to do. This trading veteran (well 3 weeks worth anyway) didn’t and I threw myself in at the deep end, thus making unwise investments and causing havoc with the prices on the market. Sense has prevailed though and today I sold a particularly well performing band for a 70 pence profit! Woo hoo. Which band I hear you ask? Well I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you!
Rating: 8 (until I start doing badly that is)
Link: http://www.popex.com/
RELIEF RACER
Rather lovely micro machines-esque racer where you drive around the human body. It’s a tad easy to get lost at first, but damn lovely to look at and a lot of fun too. Um, and that’s all I have to say on the matter. Sorry!
Rating: 7
Link: www.reliefracer.com
SECONDS OF MADNESS
Seriously smart and damn sexy looking game, in which you surf through a huge tunnel and variously dodge or jump obstacles. Quite possibly the sexiest online game yet, and whilst it gets boring after a short while, it’s still worth picking up and playing from time to time.
Rating: 7
Link: http://www.gotoandplay.it/_games/_som/secondsOfMadness.php
TETRIS
Also on FHM’s site, this is a pretty reliable version of the console classic, though it gets a bit too fast too soon for our liking. But hey, it’s still a damn good version of one of the best games ever created, and you'll find yourself addicted once again in no time.
Rating: 6/10
Link: http://www.fhm.co.uk/
TRON
One of the many fantastic games on the FHM Top 100 mini site, and absolutely lovely! If you’ve seen the movie then you’ll know the gist of the game, but if you haven’t, well, it’s all about riding around light cycles which leave a coloured line behind them. And the point of the game is to be the last man standing, to not run in to any of the walls / lines until everyone else has. So yeah, yet more simplistic gaming, but beautifully done, and if only it had a 2 player mode then I’d have nowt to complain about. But it doesn’t. So I have. And thus it only gets 9/10 instead of 10/10
Rating: 9. Aren’t you paying attention?!
Link: http://www.fhm.com/games/topgames/frames.asp
VIRTUA-PIKEY
Dumb with not just a capital D, but er, with a capital U,M, and B as well, but hey, it’s a lot of fun for about five minutes, and sometimes that’s good enough for us.
It’s basically a very simple fighting game where you have the choice of three different moves, where you get to beat up fairground folk who have ripped you off. Which is reason enough to play it at least once in our books. It’s quite a noisy game to play (which requires you to mostly hit the space bar a lot of times) so only play in an office where this won’t look suspicious / no one cares what you do with your time or at home. So hardly a classic then, but a fairly breezy slice of fun anyhow.
Rating: 6/10.
Link: http://www.virtuapikey.com/
Izzy Brooks, Alex Finch.
Know of a game that should be featured here? Then email Izzy now!
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