After much negotiating, and several painful sexual experiences that we’re just not ready to talk about just yet, we’ve managed to hire the BBC’s favourite time travelling sociopath, Doctor Who, to give you the answer’s to any questions you might have, however crazy, worrying, or plain idiotic they might be.
Dear Doctor Who,
Why don’t you talk like you do on the tv? I mean, you haven’t even said “fantastic” once on this page yet.
Shandyman, via email.
The Doctor Replies: That’s yet another thing that bloody tv show’s got wrong about me. I really sound like a semi-posh kind of guy, not so posh that you’d like to chew my lips off, but posh nonetheless. Imagine James Hewitt, but without the urge to hit him, and that’s pretty much how I sound. Whilst we’re roughly on the subject, I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to all the people who have asked why my ears are so bloomin’ huge with two simple words – “fuck off” and then twenty five more words “If you don’t, I know where you live, and I have recently learnt how to remove body limbs extremely painfully with a swiss army knife.”
Pity the Gelth?
The Gelth, Cardiff.
The Doctor Replies: No.
Dear Doctor Who,
I was wondering if I could join you in the Tardis and have lots of amazing adventures with you. Please?
Andy Wiltshire, Surrey.
The Doctor Replies: I’m sorry Andy, but no. Lots of people have emailed me and asked this question, and as I told all of them, if you’re male then no, and if you’re female, first send in a naked picture of yourself, a fifty word description of the most depraved sexual escapades you’ve ever had, and then complete the following phrase “I’d not only let the Doctor ejaculate in my mouth, I’d also…”
Dear Doctor Who,
Why were you wrong about Delia Smith committing mass murder? You really disappointed a lot of us Norwich fans.
Johnny Nanon, via email.
The Doctor Replies: Of course I wasn’t wrong. I just got the date wrong by a couple of years - I can sincerely promise you that Delia will kill many in 2008 when Norwich are once again relegated from the Premiership.
Dear Doctor Who,
Is it true you’re planning on regenerating quite soon? And will you be any funnier in your new incarnation. I really hope so.
Paul via email.
The Doctor Replies: I wasn’t before I started writing this column, but after having received over five hundred emails mentioning my disturbingly large ears and nose, I am now. You insensitive bastards. Oh, and yes, I will be funnier, mainly because I couldn’t be less amusing than I currently am.
Dear Doctor Who,
Is there anyone you haven’t met that you’d quite like to?
Sir David Frost, The BBC.
The Doctor Replies: I’ve always wanted to meet Hitler, just to see if his moustache was as sexy as everyone says it was. Unfortunately when I’ve gone back to the Nineteen Forties, whenever I’ve phoned him up he’s been busy washing his hair.
Dear Doctor Who,
Have you ever met Jesus Christ?
Reverend Jonathan Smake, Sheffield.
The Doctor Replies: I was dreading someone asking me this to be honest. It’s a long old story, but the short answer is yes, we met when he was 23, after K-9 asked me to go back to those times to see if we could persuade him not to start Christianity. He ended up travelling with us for about six months, but no we didn’t have sex, he always said he had a headache whenever I asked.
Dear Doctor Who,
What happens to Delia Smith in the future?
Jimmy J.
The Doctor replies: Ah, poor old Delia, the first celebrity chef to be put to death in the electric chair. I don’t want to give too much away, but my advice to any Norwich fans is that come the end of the season, when sadly your team is relegated, I’d stay away from the stadium, and the town centre too. Oh, and she does gun down a few people on the 18:14 train to London, so avoid that too unless you fancy dying before your time.
Dear Doctor Who,
If it was the only way you could save the world, would you bum Rose?
John Nathan-Turner’s Ghost, Basildon.
The Doctor replies: If it meant that I could get a free blockbuster video rental I’d bum Rose, alas she’s told me several times that she could never have sex with me, as I remind her of ‘the scary freak from Shallow Grave’, and to a lesser extent ‘the nasty army bloke from 28 Days Later’. She did mention though that if I ever look like the bloke from Casanova, she’d let me do anything to her, apart from watersports.
Dear Doctor Who,
You say "lots of planet’s have a north", but surely what you really mean is that lots of planet’s have a Manchester, as that’s where your accent is clearly from. And if this is so, did your planet have bands like The Stone Roses and Oasis? I dearly hope not.
Lots of love,
Sue from Essex.
The Doctor replies: Gallifrey was known for having a thriving indie scene, with bands like Blastos, Mixag The Third and Aphex Twin coming from there. None of them sounded like the bands you mentioned though, because as you should know, Gallifreyans are far more intelligent than you stupid dumb ass apes.
Dear Doctor Who,
If it was the only way you could save the world, would you bum Mickey?
John Nathan-Turner’s Ghost, Basildon
The Doctor replies: You don't know how many times I've wondered about this myself. At the moment I'd say no, though if I go much longer without sex - it's already been 459 years - I may change my mind about this.
Dear Doctor Who,
Did K-9 ever try to hump your leg? And if so, did you let him?
Clive, Sydney, Australia.
The Doctor replies: He tried all the time, but due to not having any genitals he wasn’t sure why he did this. Personally I never did let him, but I know he and Romana spent a lot of time together in her living quarters.
Dear Doctor Who,
When will I die?
Vanessa Feltz, London.
The Doctor Replies: I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that. What I can only say is that it will be very, very painful, and it will be televised - and yes, most people do cheer when you finally croak. Sorry. By the way, can I just ask you to do one thing for me - for the love of God, when Fiesta ask you to do a naked photoshoot in 2014, please say no. No one, not even the Daleks, got off on seeing that.
Dear Doctor Who,
Are you aware that the BBC make a show about your life, and broadcast it every Saturday night at 7pm?
Simon, Glasgow.
The Doctor Replies: I’ve seen it a couple of times, and I hate to say it, but it’s largely inaccurate. I mean for one thing, they make wear clothes! How silly is that?! Also a lot of the time I sit around smoking crack cocaine, and that hasn’t made it in to the BBC show yet, though rumour has it that in episode nine I am seen tripping my arse off on mushrooms.
Do you have a question for the good Doctor? Then email it to us at: general@garbledonline.net and there's a good chance he'll answer it - though please note this is not guaranteed as the Doctor often spends his time saving the world / visiting the planet of the whores.
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