Following the theft of the film-rights to the much-loved BBC series, purportedly Taiwanese conman-turned-producer Harry Lemon has announced that Sylvester McCoy is to reprise his role as the do-gooding timelord on the big screen. Criticising the new Christopher Eccleston TV version as "a complete load of total utter utter shit", Lemon said he was forced to re-hire McCoy after realizing Russell T Davies was not going to bring back the Kandyman, the Tetraps nor even Bonnie Langford. "I'm going to relive my glory days" promised McCoy. "None of this high-budget, decent effects, brilliant writers bollocks. It'll be just like 1988 all over again. And no, I still haven't learnt how to act." The good news is that the Daleks will be appearing, after a deal was struck with Terry Nation's estate to have them eating kit-kats in every single shot.
Richard Linklater directs this indie Britflick about a lovable website editor (Colin Firth) and an incredibly dashing part-time journalist (Hugh Grant), who together make up pretend movie synopses and post them on the net. Everything gets out of hand when Anastasia turns up (playing herself) and dances naked for them for hours and hours and hours and hours. Then Kate Beckinsale joins in and the big finale is where the lads draw lots to see which girl they get to get it on with. Based on a true story.
THE HORSE SHOUTERER
A semi-sequel to The Horse Whisperer where Robert Redford attempts to talk to horses who are partially deaf. "Who'd want to see a movie which basically sees Robert Redford and his ever crumbling face shouting at horses for three hours is beyond me," director Nick Hamm told us, "But when a star of Redford's stature puts a gun against your head and threatens to kill you, your whole family, everyone you've ever met, everyone they've ever met, and some random names picked out a phone book, you can hardly say no. Well, obviously I could have. But after consultations with the little man who lives on my shoulder, I decided not to."
FLUSHER AND CRIPPEN
Caper comedy set in modern day Athens. Damon Albarn stars as Flusher Mackenzie, a visiting Brit, who destroys the city's public sanitation by insisting on putting his used toilet paper down the loo even though Greek sewers can't take it. Luckily wife-murdering scumbag Dr Crippen (Liam Gallagher) has escaped the hangman and is living as a plumber nearby. With his unique knowledge of the English psyche, Crippen must track down Flusher and make him put his used toilet paper in the bins provided before the whole city is drowned in human excrement.
THE SEEBOARD STORY
Rousing saga of the energy company and how it started off as a small bakery but grew and grew until eventually it provided electricity to some of the homes in the UK. This movie started life as 30-second advert for economy 7 but, after a series of boozy lunches, transformed into a 4 hour epic, is now comfortably the most expensive film ever made. In fact, its' $4000m budget was all run up on the director's dad's credit card. The big name cast makes impressive reading, unless you know that they're all shit.
SING ME ONE MORE SONG
When popstar Jo-Jo (A mostly naked Charlotte Church) is kidnapped by obsessive fan Clive Dunn (Woody Harrelson) and forced to sing her hits over and over again, it's not long before she's desperately trying to work out how she can commit suicide. But to her surprise she gradually begins to fall madly in love with Dunn after discovering that he is a reclusive millionaire with enough money to ensure that all her further singles will go straight to no.1. "Many people will be amazed that I persuaded Charlotte to go naked," director Stan Kowalski told Dark Horizons, "but I so wish I hadn't bothered. All those pictures of her in the tabloids must be severely airbrushed, in real life she's got the body of a severely diseased 102 year old."
SNIFF
In 1970s Chicago young shopkeeper Daisy Cheyne (Courtney Love) notices that glue sales are going through the roof. Deciding to investigate, Daisy soon discovers that a whole new underground culture of substance abuse is developing and that as she's selling it to the kids it's all her fault! Luckily, Daisy is the sweetest smelling human being in the entire history of planet Earth and if she can just get each and every addict to inhale her scent they'll be cured immediately. A nasal odyssey of the highest order.
TAKE A CHANCE ON ME
It's been far too long since talking animals were last on our screens, so thank God for this live action comedy, from the producers of Babe, Babe2 and Birth of a Nation. Tobey Maguire plays a ridiculously unconvincing jockey who notices that all horses can in fact speak English absolutely perfectly. By holding some in depth conversations, Maguire learns that every single race is fixed by the horses themselves and furthermore they will quite happily tell you in advance who's going to win if only you ask them politely. Naturally he becomes the richest man in the world, but with 45 minutes of the film still to go, rest assured some pointless plot twists then ensue to pad this wretched story out to the correct length.
THE STEPFORD WIVES ARE BACK, BACK, BACK
The director of the 1975 version of The Stepford Wives, Bryan Forbes, is planning another sequel to his original effort, after seeing the new remake which he describes as "Shittier than the time I gave my Granddad ten times the dose of laxatives I was meant too". The film sees the sleepy town of Stepford welcome newcomers Stuart and Michelle (From Tv's Big Brother) but when Michelle sees Stu briefly looking at one of the robot's arse, she flips totally and becomes part robotic herself. Notable for a scene in the script where she screams "How do you like robot bitches now, eh chicken?" whilst wanking Stu to death, it's unlikely this film will ever be made after Forbes failed to get Michelle and Stuart involved - "I was hoping they'd star as themselves, but Michelle saw me checking Stuart out and bit my hand off. Kitten and Ahmed have offered to replace them, but I don't know if it would work as well, especially considering all the scenes which feature Michelle's breasts. And Kitten doesn't actually have any of her own does she?"
NAPPY RASH
In the future everyone will be incontinent, therefore the biggest threat to world health is the nasty red skin inflammation that sometimes appears if you've been wearing your Pampers for a bit too long. Amazingly a reclusive, jungle-dwelling professor, played by Sean Connery, has invented a new form of talcum powder that solves the problem, but the twist is that he's totally forgotten where he left it! Rene Russo recently joined the cast and will be portraying Connery's sexy housekeeper who may or may not have tidied the healing powder away. No critic could be bothered to attend the review screenings, but babification freaks will love it.
BRICK BY BRICK
A documentary following the adventures of an eccentric London cabbie, Slim Shady, and his quest to build his own house rather than buy a proper one. Cheapskate Shady hasn't got any land to his name, so instead tries to start work in various public places, including Clapham Common, Heathrow Airport and, hilariously, Trafalgar Square. A game of cat and mouse with civic planning officials ensues. Widely regarded as possibly the most boring film ever made and not even worthy of daytime slot on a Freeview channel let alone a cinematic release. Lottery funded, obviously.
VOLLEYTIT 2 - VOLLEYARSE
After Volleytit (cf WIWTMN pg.3) made over $400 million at the US Box Office, a sequel was inevitable, though surely no one ever believed it would turn out to be as puerile as this. Reuniting the original cast (Bar Drew Barrymore who refused to take part after noticing that she'd be forced to act with a volleyball up her backside for half the movie), this sees the all girl group take part in a new version of the sport where they can only use their naked arses to hit the ball. "This is an all time low for Hollywood," film critic Leonard Maltin recently complained, "Volleytit was an all time classic, sure, but this film has no plot whatsoever, and seems to be an hour and a half of naked women hitting balls with their behinds. The kind of people who like that sort of thing are sick in the head. Arses are meant to be shit out of, and to be stuck out of windows to annoy passing motorists, but absolutely nothing else."
Dreamwork's latest live action family comedy is all about two kittens (voiced by Kate Winslett and Jake Gyllenhaal) who fall in love, but then are cruelly separated when one of them, Bubby, develops the feline version of chicken pox. "It's a real weepy, one of those movies which you simply won't be able to not shed a tear whilst watching," producer Donald Wheresmytrousers said, "the love scenes in the movie are so real, so intimate, so...so...beautiful. Of course we don't actually show the cats fucking. But there are plenty of kissing and foreplay scenes for the people in the audience who like to see such things."
FLOWERS FOR THE LOST
Richard Curtis' next film is to be based on the novel by Christian Phillips, Flowers For The Lost, the bestselling indepth and emotional exploration in to the lives of people who stand outside supermarkets harrassing people to buy poppy's on Remembrance Sunday. "You may hate them, you might not want to give them a quid for some crappy bit of paper, you may feel that if anyone ever asks you if you want to buy a poppy again you'll snap and break their head open. But once you see this movie, you'll feel a fool for thinking such things. A bloody great twat. The world's biggest fucking idiot," Curtis told The Daily Telegraph, "Or you might be even more enraged and may go out and kill one of them immediately. And if this does happen, don't try to blame me. Because I'm going on holiday."
Stephen Soderbergh's next film is another return to his low budget roots, and features Dustin Hoffman in bed for the entire movie as he suffers from insomnia and fails to get to sleep. "An intriguing psychological insight in to the madness insomnia can bring," Soderbergh claims, whilst Hoffman has said that he took the role because "I'd turned down so many films where the lead character masterbates in bed a lot - Wank, Under The Covers, Stained, y'know, all those movies Adam Sandler went on to star in...And I was worried that if I didn't take this one, I'd never be offered another one again. Plus Soderbergh promised to cast me in his next movie, a comedy about eskimo's, so really I just had no choice."
DUMBING DOWN
Normally sensitive and kind English Literature Proffesor Jonathon Dandrige (Anthony Hopkins) is pushed over the edge by reality tv, and all of it's contestant's difficulty with prenouncing simple words properly, so goes on a killing spree armed only with one of those Speak and Spell toys you used to get in the eighties. Jade Goody stars as herself, and reportedly claimed "This the best filim ever ain't it, it got action and death and stuff like all that innit," before being clubbed to death by an in-character Hopkins.
THE ELEPHANT MAN
David Lynch has surprised many by announcing plans to remake his seminal 1980's classic The Elephant Man. "I watched it the other day and was shocked," Lynch told Variety, "I don't know what drugs I was on back then, I really don't, my dealer wouldn't tell me there names, but I quite simply couldn't believe what I saw. There's no tiny men dancing, no lesbianism, and not one plot turn which makes the entire movie difficult to interpret. But I'm set to put everything right with this remake. For one thing, the whole cast will be played by corpses, which I'll manipulate with bits of string and fishing rods."
THE SWINGING SIXTIES
We...We just presumed, I mean...Why would someone do this? Because at first when we heard the title we presumed it'd be an examination of life in the Nineteen Sixties, but to our horror it's actually...it's...it's a drama based around O.A.P. orgies. There. I said it. Featuring more wrinkles than has ever been committed to celluloid before, this low budget American independent has already been banned in the UK, not because it broke any laws, but according to the BBFC simply due to the fact that "No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to see old people naked. Not even old people themselves. Thats why most don't have lightbulbs in their bathrooms and bedrooms, to reduce any risk of such a horrific incident taking place."
FLY ME TO THE MOON
A bit of an oddity this, the latest big budget epic from Jim Cameron, as despite it's interesting concept - it's set in the near future where spaceflights regularly take tourists to the moon - nothing much happens bar polite conversation between the passengers. "I hadn't made a proper film in ages," explained Cameron, "and when I came up with the idea for the film I thought it was great, but then I just couldn't think of a single thing to do with it. But I thought, what the hell, I'll make it anyway, it'll waste a couple of months of my seemingly endless and painfully boring life."
LOVE IS...
Russell Crowe is taking the lead in this live action adaptation of the bizarre mini-comic strip which features two naked people explaining in somewhat patronising terms what love is. "Godamnit, I didn't want to take this role," Crowe told us, "But I lost a bet with the director, Martin Scorsese, and now I have no choice. Who'd have thought it would be so difficult to eat 30 watermelons though. I've eaten 30 pineapples with ease, but damnit, those watermelons just wouldn't go down. And now I have to make this film. All because I am Russell Crowe. If only I was Guy Pearce. If only."
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon team up once again for this cute tale centred around two blind men who try to work in a Butcher's shop despite regularly slicing bits of their bodies off. "This is a rip-roaring comedy in the vein of the Carry On films," Affleck said whilst promoting the film, "but it goes places the Carry On's should have but didn't. The fact that I never saw Sid James chopping his limbs off and then rolling around the floor in agony really screwed me up as a kid. And does so to this day, too."
DEATH RUNS
When clinically insane chicken farmer Jake Robson (Tommy Lee Jones) starts putting excessive doses of laxatives inside the dead chickens he sells to top supermarkets, and it's not long before L.A.'s sewers are hideously overflowing. "John Waters may have got Divine to eat shit," director David Koepp told us, "But I'm the first director to cover a thousand people from head to toe with dysentry. So I'm the best yeah? Yeah? Say yes damn you. Why won't you say yes? Don't you like me? Don't you want to kiss me right now? You do you know. I can see it in your eyes."
THAT GIDDY FEELING
Bizarre romantic comedy about a man and a woman (Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore yet a-bloody-gain) who gradually fall in love whilst trapped on an out of control fairground waltzer for almost the film's entirety. "So dizzying that no one's managed to sit through it yet without vomitting copiously," producer Jake Wichenstein told us, "but I think that's part of it's charm."
Paul Burrell is suing the makers of Traitor, claiming that the central character is based on him, though clearly a misrepresentation. "This film is about a butler, Saul Murrel, who serves a supposedly fictious Princess Biana, and when she dies in a suspicious hang-gliding accident he betrays her memory by selling her used panties on ebay," Burrell told The Telegraph, "It's sick, disgusting and offensive rubbish. And besides, I didn't steal any of her knickers, and only a couple of bras."
FINDING RUMPTY
Whilst we wouldn't normally report on such filth as hardcore porn movies, it's come to our attention that the first completely cgi-animated R18 film is to be released next month. Losely based on Pixar's Finding Nemo, bar that it features a man and a woman instead of two fish, and the fact that they keep on finding each other a lot, screw, and then lose each other again. Porn Industry experts expect the film to sell millions if not trillions of copies, though only due to the fact that the main central female character has over thirty breasts all over her body, which she can change the size of anytime she damn well likes.
CAMPING ABOUT
Teen gross out comedy which is unusual due to the fact that it's set in a concentration camp during World War 2. "It's a little know fact that despite the horrific conditions, many of the younger Jewish men often played sperm or poo related jokes on each other on a daily basis, and that laughter often drowned out the sound of agonised screaming in the camps," director Joel Schumacher told us, "and this film sets out to put history straight." Unsurprisingly a group of concentration camp survivors have already placed a fifty thousand dollar bounty on Schumacher's head, claiming "We've put up with a hell of a lot of shit in our lives, but this is just too much. Plus we really hated Phone Booth too."
DATING GAMES
Single girl Judy Dustbin (Kate Winslett) dates three hundred and seventeen different guys at the same time, until it all goes wrong when she turns up at boyfriend no.1's family barbecue and discovers they're all brothers. "It's about time roasting featured in a mainsteam family comedy," Winslett told Ain't It Cool News recently, "and whilst some may say the film's factually inaccurate as it doesn't feature any Premiership footballers, I'm still proud of the work I've done here. Proud and very, very, very sore."
DANGEROUS WEATHER
Based on a true story, this features Keanu Reeves as Ron Konson, the infamous British pyschopath who after being struck by lightening on fourteen separate occasions, decides to take revenge on all the weathermen he blames for misinforming him about the weather. After five weatherman are found decapitated with a charred umbrella by their sides, a terrified Michael Fish (Hugh Grant) desperately attempts to solve the crimes whilst fearing he may well be next. Asked why he took such a role, Grant recently said "Michael Fish is my hero, and when I die, I plan to be buried next to him at the very least. If not on top of him, or maybe even in the same coffin. Ooh yeah. That'd be so hot."
Not as you had probably hoped, you twisted, twisted people, a film about abnormal sexual practices, but instead a cheeky Irish yarn set in a small village where it suddenly begins to rain drops of pure gold. It's not long however before the Inland Revenue arrive, intent on taking 70% of the gold - but they hadn't reckoned upon Albert Finney and his stash of ex-IRA mortar bombs and machine guns. A bloody comedy from Mike Newell, expect it to hit these shores during the Summer where it seems people will go and watch any old crap.
PETEY FOR PRESIDENT
When drunken taxi driver Billy Bob Thornton enters his retarded brother Petey (Matt Le Blanc) in to the presidential elections "for a
DRINKING DRIVERS
The first annual 'Drink Drive' Race is organised in New York, where contestants must drive around the city five times over the limit at all times for 24 hours without killing anyone. A comedy horror pic which sees Peter Jackson return to his gross-out roots, this stars not only Elijah Wood, Viggo Mortensen and Ian McKellen (as a traffic cop who gets viciously pinned to the front of Wood's car for the entire movie), but also Jackson himself as the re-incarnation of Ted Bundy. Quizzed on why he'd chosen to make such a bizarre movie, Jackson said "I've got so much money now I can do what the fuck I want. After this I'm planning on taking over the world. And who's going to stop me? No one. That's who."
THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
Absolutely nothing to do with Roland Emmerich's environmental disaster movie, though presumably the producers are hoping to cash in on people assuming this, but infact a horror flick centred around a man who works in America's biggest calander company. He suddenly realises that October 22nd is missing from all their products, and mass panic breaks out as everyone born on that date starts to worry three days before that they might not have a Birthday this year, with inevitably bloody results. Stars Ted Danson, who reportedly took the role after realising that most people don't really know who he is anymore.
BUSHFUCKED
Documentary which follows filmmaker Stephen Halasky's attempts to kidnap President Bush and then force feed him marijuana in an attempt to see if he can finally get Georgey-boy to say something which even vaguely makes sense. Inevitably he fails in getting even near to the President, so kidnaps a bush in a park instead and tries out the same experiment - which leads to his eventual incarceration in a mental hospital. "Funnier than having sex with seven people at the same time," according to Michael Moore.
Incredibly over-excited about any of the forthcoming movies on this page? Tell us on our forum then. Go on. Do it. Now. Or else. Yeah. Else.
Spideman 3
A Leg For A Leg
Food For Thought
There Goes The Papacy
Chase Me If You Want
Punch-Drunk Hate
False Alarm
Carry On London 2&3
The Gynaecologists
Soggy Biscuit
Donno Darky
Whats In A Name?
Passport To Pimlico 2
Stella Street
Buy-Sexual
Sherlock Holmes and Elvis Vs. The Zombies Of Death
Hands Up If You're A Commie
Monty Mole The Movie
The Last Frenchman
Bill Gates Must Die
Monkfish
Death On The Rock
Shall We Tell The President?
A Mess For Tess
Fish & Chips
White Heat 2 - Even Whiter Heat
A Temporary Hell
The Monkey That Stole The Magna Carta
Darius
The Bird Killer
Belle and Sebastian The Movie
The Day The Circus Came To Town
Supersheep
The Man Who Ate Everything But The Arms And Legs
Miss Headremover
Grass
One Record Too Far
Mr And Mrs FluffyBunny Come To Town
The Kiddie Job
The Runner
A Sunny Day In Hell
Volleytit
Revenge Of The Mentally Ill
Down The Tube
Death Shave
Anal Cunt And Son
Her Stinking Clothes
The Quiet Place
B Is For Bloodloss
Death By Jupiter
Down The Darker Paths
Boyfriend Trouble
Beckham - The Movie
She's Just Crazy, Baby
Dr Death
Police Academy The Next Generation
An Electric Kind Of Love
Marmalade
Don't Juggle Me Boy!
Reservoir Dogs 2
Kenny
10 Way Love
Smokers
Jumping Ship
Captain Stupid
Kane 2
CCTV Stalker
Untitled Penelope Pitstop Feature
Best 2
Petrol
Two Thousand And One Alsatians
Time Trick
The Sheep Thief
Look Who's Talking 4
Clive Anderson Strikes Back
The Whistler Killer
Henman
Horseface
The Tickler
Grange Hill - The Movie
Hitler The Musical
English Terror
A Streetcar Named Fuckface
One Mass Wedding And A 108 Funerals
Planet Of The Swans
Frankly Le Bouef, Oui Don't Give A Damn
Algernon: Portrait Of A Serial Witticist
The Muppets Meet GM Food
The Last Temptation Of Christ 2
Johnny Zoo
Honey I Shrunk My Cock
Kosovo
Storm
The David Bowie Story
Toy Story 3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10
Jesse's Fashion Tips
Cutter
The Biggest Sleep Of All
Punters
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