When zoo-ologist Micheal Jones (Harrison Ford) feeds a pair of giraffe's radioactive orange juice 'because he was bet a quid to do it' he accidentally turns them in to 150ft killers, desperate to destroy the world with there larger than human feet, and only Nun Julie Jush (Cameron Diaz) and God (Jim Cantalupo) are interested in stopping them. Financed entirely by McDonald's to promote there new giraffe burger, one city analyst, Bobby Jay, told Variety "Jeez, I knew they were in trouble, but by making a $100 million blockbuster just to promote there latest product just goes to show what a fucking state they must be in.” McDonald’s CEO Jim Cantalupo has hit back against his critics though “This is an arthouse film, dealing with such themes as death, love, the loneliness of the soul and how life can be made so much better by sinking your rotting teeth in to one of our lovely new giraffe burgers. Available in stores right now. Please dear god buy one, I don’t want to have to go back to collecting tin cans on the streets again.”
Several Evil Dead fansites have reported upon rumours that Spidey's third outing will see him team up with Ash from Raimi's classic horror trilogy. One site claimed "Ash befriends Spidey, and they go for a weekend's fishing up at the old ramshackled hut in the woods where the Evil Dead movies took place. Inevitably it's not long before the deadites are back on the scene again, and Spidey has to help Ash save the day." However, director Sam Raimi has already refuted these claims: "Why won't anyone listen to me? I'm never going to do another Evil Dead movie again and this is all utter bollocks. I bet it's Bruce Campbell spreading these rumours. He won't leave me alone. Day and night he leaves messages on my answer phone begging me to make another Evil Dead flick. He just doesn't seem to know the meaning of the words 'fuck off before I call the police.'"
A Leg For A Leg
After Sarah Jessica Parker accidentally cuts off boyfriend Colin Farrell's leg, he goes on a murderous rampage, first cutting off Parker's legs, then Heather Mill's leg, and countless others, before suddenly realising that he is God. The latest project from Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) who recently told us "Just try and make any sense of this one, ya bastard. You can't can you? Only I can. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha."
Food For Thought
Crazed Scientist Michael Douglas creates a pill which gives everyone the ability to remember everything they've ever witnessed. But after being fired from his job due to the fact he was supposed to be researching new ways of making toilet roll, he begins grinding it up and putting it in strangers dinners when they're not looking. Unfortunately the pill has nasty side effects, which leads to many growing extra cocks all over their bodies. "Some might say this is an enormous load of rubbish," Douglas told Empire magazine, "And they'd be right. But no one offers me any roles anymore since I married Catherine Zeta-Jones. The jealous twats. And I just had to work. If I didn't she might leave me for the gardener she keeps rubbing her breasts up against."
There Goes The Papacy
Romantic comedy starring Joseph Fiennes as a young Pope who by sheer chance runs into a pretty hooker (Jennifer Lopez) whilst cruising the Roman red light district at 2am. The supreme head of Catholicism then plays a dangerous game of repeatedly hiring the shapely call girl, but does not have sex with her for fear of bringing down both himself and the church. The advance buzz is that the chemistry between the two leads is out of this world and by the movie's third act even the most religiously devout will be longing for the couple to get it on. Rumour has it that three alternative endings have been shot, and at least one of them is said to feature "bumming".
Chase Me If You Want
Light-hearted caper movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio as a compulsively law-abiding citizen desperate to attract the attention of the FBI. Leo tries repeatedly to entice seasoned manhunter Tommy Lee Jones into giving hot pursuit, but he cannot so much as pretend to be guilty of a crime for fear of wasting police time. The big set piece is when DiCaprio's character starts hanging around people likely to be murdered and acting suspiciously. No one in authority takes any notice. In the end, Leo manages to get moved on by an HMV security guard for trying to browse CDs after closing time, but the guilt keeps him awake for months afterwards. No one is quite sure how this film got made, but now it has expect to be tricked by clever marketing into paying to see it.
Punch-Drunk Hate
Sequel to P.T. Anderson’s Punch-Drunk Love (yes, really) in which Adam Sandler finally fails to control his anger, and regularly severely beats Emily Watson until she can take it no longer and hits him with an iron. Anderson’s commented “I didn’t want to make this film, but everyone completely got Punch-Drunk Love utterly wrong – I mean how could anyone not see Sandler was a disturbed psycho is beyond me and that the film was a tragedy rather than a comedy – so yes, I do feel that I’ve been forced in to making this film buy the stupid fucking public.” Critics have already savaged the movie though, stating “There’s just no need for it…and it’s so obviously based on the Little Mo/Trevor plotline from Eastenders, why the fuck hasn’t anyone from the BBC sued?”
False Alarm
In the near future, Professor Angelo Meglos (Jeremy Irons) enacts a a nefarious scheme to bring down Western society by disabling every clock radio on the planet. Therefore, a solitary paperboy called Tommy Tinker, who is allergic to electricity so must use the world's only remaining clockwork alarm, wakes up one morning to find he is the first person in the country that has bothered to get out of bed! With all developed nations facing economic collapse, it's up to young Tommy to find Meglos and give him a bitch-slapping. Interestingly, Rory Culkin, who portrays Tinker, was a late addition to the cast after producers realised that hiring their first choice for the role, Hugh Jackman, would have made them look like a bunch of stupid twats.
Carry On London 2 & 3
Producers of the new carry on film, Carry On London, are expecting the film to be so successful that they have already begun shooting two sequels back to back. Producer Joshua Smithy told us “Though at first it will seem like a tiresome cash in on an already failed franchise, it will soon become apparent this is an epic tale that must, nay, needs to be told.” Plot details are scarce at the moment, though it’s been leaked that the storyline includes the search for the late Sid James’ ringpiece whilst also telling of Kenneth Williams training as a jedi knight and eventual turning to the dark side. Both Peter Jackson and George Lucas have considered suing but both decided that “This piece of shit will be seen by no one with an IQ over 47, so what’s the point eh?”
The Gynaecologists
Gross-out comedy with Jim Carrey and John Cusack as two gynecologists who suffer from Amnesia after a car crash, and as they don’t want to lose there jobs, don’t tell anyone, despite the fact that they have no idea why they spend their working days looking up women’s groinal holes. Director Jamie Baloo told us “I’m taking the gross out comedy to new levels here…One scene in which they insert five oranges and two pomegranates in to Whoopi Goldberg’s snatch has to be seen to be believed, whilst the segment in which Carrey actually tries to climb inside Sarah Jessica Parker’s lovehole will make audiences laugh so hard they may never actually be able to have sex without giggling uncontrollably after seeing it.”
Hammer horror's big comeback movie. A group of teenage boys sit in a circle and all jack off over a McVitie's digestive. The last one to ejaculate has to eat the biscuit. After this tense beginning the action moves on two years and the boys have now all failed their A-levels and are working as farmhands. One by one they start being murdered and each victim is found with a sperm-covered jammy dodger sticking out of his mouth. It's a race against time to track down the killer before the police start to notice all the killings and possibly even do a bit of a investigating themselves. Christopher Lee crops up as a local pervert, his first role for Hammer since 1974's Dracula Sings The Blues. Variously described as "another Carry On Columbus", "for twats only" and "uncannily accurate in its depiction of teenage boys abusing themselves", this movie is set to lose every penny of the £20m it cost to make. Screenplay by Alice Beer from an original idea by Ellen McArthur and Oliver Postgate.
Donno Darky
Hilarious comedy sequel to the cult film Donnie Darko. This time, a black man
Whats In A Name?
Hard hitting drama, based on a true story, of a male daytime TV presenter who, fed up with being known to everyone as VD Man, takes on the medical establishment in the courts to get the word "Venereal" replaced with the far more glamorous phrase "Sexually Transmitted". This one could be a bit highbrow for the mass-market, and is very much aimed at the Oscars.
Edward Norton plays the lead, but was reportedly unhappy about the size of his trailer and sought revenge by doing the whole movie impersonating Kermit the Frog. Luckily, this worked brilliantly and the concept was expanded so that the whole cast do vocal impressions of the Muppets. Expect sterling support from Glenn Close as Judy Finnegan with Miss Piggy's voice and Peter O'Toole as The Lord Chancellor Derry Irvine speaking exactly like the Great Gonzo. Richard Madeley convincingly plays a shoplifting fuck.
Passport To Pimlico 2
Futuristic update of the classic Ealing comedy where the residents of Pimlico declare themselves once again independent from the rest of England after robot aliens invade and take over the country. Set to be the most expensive British movie ever made, Producer Hugh Stefferscope told Variety “It cant fail to make hundreds of millions – all of the fans of the original movie will be dying to see it, and extensive market research has told us that kids between 3 and 12 love films with robot aliens in it killing hamsters, so they will see it too, and well, both of those markets alone should make us billionaire’s”. Hugh Grant stars, but only because “They offered me £20 million to do it, and the moment shooting ends I’m giving up acting and taking up fucking whores for a living.”
Stella Street
Hollywood's obsession with remaking Michael Caine classics has gone into overdrive, and the logical conclusion is this action thriller set in a road where everyone who lives there is a megastar. Tom Cruise, Mark Wahlberg, Jackie Chan and Charlize Theron all play residents of the Street, whilst Beyonce Knowles from Destiny's Child takes on the responsibility of running
the local shop. Gary Oldman plays a hammy English actor out to cut off the electricity to the community centre whilst a meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch treasury committee is in full swing. Featuring the cinema's first cake baking competition. Phil Cornwell cameos as Michael Caine cameoing as himself.
Buy-Sexual
Edgy romantic comedy based on the novel by Frankie Dettori. An eccentric millionaire (Patrick Stewart) offers extraordinarily large payouts to attractive young poor people. The catch is that they must agree to have sex with someone they don't find remotely desirable. Whilst this does not seem too bad a challenge at first, it soon becomes clear just exactly how
devilishly malicious it really is. Harvey Keitel plays a straight man forced by greed to attempt to achieve climax with OJ Simpson. Jodie Foster appears as a lesbian who must try and get it on with Mel Gibson's cowboy character in a vaguely convincing way. Things get really interesting when Bruce Willis attempts to cheat the system by pretending he really doesn't fancy Kylie Minogue at all.
Sherlock Holmes And Elvis Vs. The Zombies Of Death
Big screen version of the cult eighties US tv show is due to hit our screens later this year, with Tom Cruise as the great detective and Kate Hudson as Dr Watson. The casting of Timmy Mallet as Elvis has surprised many, though it’s rumoured that Mike Myers is responsible for the irritating twats big film break after Mallet threatened to blackmail Myers with incriminating photo’s of the film star examining old men’s testicles. Tom Cruise has admitted that “The plots wafer thin, the dialogue absolutely terrible and the directors both deaf and blind, but there’s one scene where I feel 20 breasts in two minutes, so I’d have been stupid to turn it down.”
Hands Up If You're A Commie
Documentary feature from Michael Moore, a follow up to his smash hit Bowling for Columbine. In this one the crusading film-maker comes clean about his hard-line Stalinist views and tries to persuade at least some of his fellow Americans that Capitalism is wrong. Moore does his usual trick of turning up at rich people's houses and trying to embarrass them. Then he notices that all his victims have really big and attractive homes and that might lead his audience to believe that Capitalism causes wealth and prosperity. So he goes and interviews some really poor people, only to find out that they are all drug addicts. Undeterred by being wrong about everything, Moore goes to North Korea to see a Communist paradise in action. He loves it.
Monty Mole - The Movie
The cult computer game character is finally making the break on to the silver screen after being in pre-production for the last 18 years. “We’ve been working on the script all this time, and finally feel we’ve got it right – the first draft was over a thousand pages long and would have made for a fifteen hour movie,” director Marty Smith told us, “We really wanted to make that version, but the producer put a shotgun in my mouth and threatened to pull the trigger if I didn’t edit it down to 93 minutes.” Casting has yet to begin, but it’s been long rumoured that Steve Coogan is interested in the title role, and is prepared to have hair implanted all over his body to capture a realistic mole look.
Jean Reno plays Jacques Lambert, a travelling fishmonger whom is
Overlooked when every other French person in the world is hunted down and killed by wolves. Jacques is forced to go into hiding until it all blows over, before launching a successful career as a cloakroom attendant in a Seafood restaurant. According to www.aintitcoolnews.com, this troubled production underwent extensive reshoots after test audiences reportedly got extremely fucking bored. A new sequence featuring Inspector Closeau as a fellow survivor apparently perks things up a lot.
Bill Gates Must Die
Horror comedy reuniting Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. Two elderly and extremely infirm comic actors enter into a death pact with Microsoft billionaire Gates (playing himself). When the inventor of Windows sobers up the next morning he pulls out, but Wilder and Pryor are determined to hold him to his bargain whatever the cost. Variety have called it "See No Evil, Hear No Evil but with real disabilities". Already opened in Canada for tax reasons to great acclaim, and is expected to do even better in the rest of the world unless word-of-mouth turns vicously against it. Which it will.
Monkfish
John Travolta and Halle Berry reunite in this sequel to Swordfish, which is set three days before the first movie. Harrison Ford plays a much older
Death on the Rock
Comedy action thriller starring Brad Pitt, Tommy Lee Jones and Mickey Rourke as three loveable IRA bombers and their battle of wits with a team of SAS assassins led by Julian Sands. The whole of Gibraltar was recreated in Mexico for the filming, which took a record-breaking 4-days to complete. Anthony Hopkins cameos as Defence Minister Alan Clarke, whose "Shoot to Miss" policy is misheard, with hilarious consequences.
Shall We Tell the President?
Adaptation of the Jeffrey Archer novel, greenlit to coincide with the Cheeky Conservative crimelord's profile-raising stay in the slammer. Screenwriter William Goldman reputedly only read the first 9 pages before his eyes watered and he had to be sick. As a result, Archer purists will be up in arms at the lack of loyalty to the source material. Pre-production is well underway, and Richard Gere has signed up to headline. The studio was hoping to cast Julia Roberts alongside him, but due to a lack of money, have gone for Danielle Westbrook instead. According to Goldman, expect "the first thing that came into my head". A must-see.
A Mess for Tess
Disney's latest cartoon feature, a "re-imagining" of the Thomas Hardy novel. The House of Mouse had great difficulty in deciding whether to plump for computer or traditional animation, which led to a famous gunfight and several deaths. The hi-tec boys were caught off-guard and ended up slaughtered. Elton John has provided several of the songs, with lyrics by Bez from the Happy Mondays. The graphic sex could lead to an 18 certificate, but it'll probably be all cut out and get a "U". Wait for the special edition DVD.
Fish & Chips
Another cop buddy movie, but the twist here is the James Fish suffers from permanently smelling of fish after a tragic cod related accident in the early nineties, and his partner, Johnny Chips, has a potato shaped head. To be directed by Lock Stock’s Guy Ritchie from his own script, and funded by his wife, after "every Studio in the entire world refused to give Ritchie backing, and threatened to shoot him if he ever came near them again" according to an interview with the director on www.redhotmovienews.com
Sequel to the classic Jimmy Cagney movie, which sees diminutive gangster Cody Jarrett, a computer generated Jimmy Cagney (voiced by Matt Damon), blasted in to space by the explosion that was presumed to have killed him at the end of the first film. “Luckily some bits of metal and glass wrap around him, providing him with a surprisingly perfect spacesuit, and after fifty years of slowly floating through space, going more and more insane, he lands on Primeus 2, a planet full of gangsters,” executive producer C.C.C.B. Maggins told us, “Unfortunately he’s so crazy by now that he thinks they all look exactly like his mother. From that point on, things get seriously weird. And naked...We're hoping for a pg rating - though the 3 hour blow job scene may mess that idea up..."
A Temporary Hell?
Gritty, harrowing drama which details 24 hours in the life of a temp at a toilet recycling factory. Jude Law is to play Marcus Jones, the graduate who can’t find any proper work after spending three years studying the History of Shoe Buying at Lancaster Uni, and is forced to clean shit off of old toilets for a living.
“When you see what temps have to go through on a daily basis, well, Christ, you’ll feel more sorry for them than you do starving children who sell their own tonsils for rice,” Law told us, after revealing that he has been extensively researching the role of a temporary worker, “I did some typing and answering of telephones in a small office for several minutes, seven, or even eight I think. It
Whilst a UK release date has not been announced, producer Mitchell Harker said “It could take years to film, simply because Jude keeps vomiting so much. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t out until July 2009.”
The Monkey That Stole The Magna Carta
Hilarious period comedy starring Jim Carrey as a monkey which steals the Magna Carta just before it is due to be signed, and then escapes to the Ice Pole. “There’ll be no women in this film,” director John Badham told Variety magazine, “Because they’re not funny. It’s as simple as that. If I wanted to make a film about crying, or oral sex, then I wouldn’t cast any men. But thank fuck I don’t.”
Darius
Richard Branson is making his first foray in to film producing by adapting Darius Daneesh’s autobiography, which the Popstars/idol contestant is currently writing in his spare time “Finding Coke and Pepsi cans takes up most of my day,” Darius told us, “and in the evenings I spend my time carol singing, the money from which I give to homeless cows. But when normal people sleep, I have the power to keep my eyes open all night and use my hands to write my epic life story. And as soon as I finish it, which I predict will be around 7:32pm on the twenty third of March, production on the film will no doubt start. For I have seen it in the stars.” Richard Branson at first denied all knowledge of the project, but when we kidnapped his pet prostitute, he admitted all “Alright, alright, just don’t harm Lisa,” he said, “it is true that I’m intending on making a biographical film about Mr Daneesh, but only if he grows back his beard. There ain’t going to be no shitting film without the beard, alright?”
The Bird Killer
Happily married farmer Thomas Moose (Harrison Ford) sees his life spiral out of all control after a family of Bluetits move in to a local tree and their hideously loud singing destroys the sanity of his family. After a hideous sequence of suicide’s, Ford embarks on a sickening revenge by wiping out the entire species, with only a drunken Keanu Reeves, as R.S.P.C.B. boss Simeon Fletcher-Hargreaves, attempting to stop him.
Belle and Sebastian – The Movie
Semi-scripted rocku-mentary following the exploits of Scotland’s quietest band. Watch in awe as they tune their varied instruments. Laugh in horror as lead singer Stuart trips down a couple of stairs and hurts his thumb. And cry thoughtlessly when the band discover they only have one fan who has bought every record they’ve ever made.
“A heartwarming tale of a life which makes no sense to anyone, not even the mentally ill” according to it’s director, Chris Slumber.
The Day The Circus Came To Town
Terrifying melodrama in which a circus comes to the small town of Itchington and all the animals break loose. “It’s exactly like Jumanji, but in a realistic way,” said Chris Tarrant, who has a small cameo in the film as a postbox, “and no Robin Williams in it, obviously. I’d rather take a bath with Jonathon King then star in a movie with that box office serial killer.”
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