British romantic-comedy-thriller set during 1997’s Reading Festival. Jane Maraston and Susanna Shoom are two fun loving, sexually promiscuous girls, who after sleeping with a couple of mobsters on the first night of the music festival, learn of a plan to blow up Sunday night headliners Metallica, and find themselves in a race against time for someone to take them seriously. Drew Barrymore and Sarah Michelle Gellar have signed up for the lead roles, whilst director Francis Ford Coppola has claimed “You will see at least seventeen pairs of breasts per minute in this film,” after being accused of making ‘useless, sexually ambivalent movies.’
Supersheep
New Zealand set comedy in which a sheep gains super powers after being accidentally bathed in radioactive waste. “People have always wanted to see sheep fly, and solve crimes, and this movie will deliver on their wretched dreams,” producer Nick Stevens told us. Rumours that the New Zealand branch of the RSPCA have been investigating animal cruelty on the film set were quashed by a production insider though: “There’s no law against tying a sheep up with rope, and swinging it around on a huge crane. Not in this country, anyway.”
Jonus Mailstrom, director of this summer’s highest grossing comedy ‘Watch Out For The Flying Shit’ has signed on the dotted line to helm this latest serial killer picture. “It’s time someone outshocked Seven”, Mailstrom informed us after we kidnapped his children, “And I think this movie finally should do that – considering the amount we’ve spent on prosthetic cocks, I certainly hope so.”
Miss Headremover
If you love Julia Roberts, hairdressing, and chainsaws, then Miss Headremover is the perfect movie for you. She’s due to be re-united with Flatliners co-star Keifer Sutherland, who reportedly paid director John Badham three million dollars for the chance to act alongside Ms Roberts, in the role of the ghost of her first ever victim. “I think that most people thought I died,” Kiefer claimed, “but by playing a dead person, I’ll prove to them I’m alive. In a dead kind of way, of course.”
Grass
After a field in Lancashire is repeatedly sprayed with a new toxic chemical meant to kill even the tiniest insects, the grass becomes alive and begins a killer rampage by strangling people to death.
“Hopefully at least half the audience will come after thinking it’s a movie about marijuana,” director Joel Shcumacher told us, “and the other half will come thinking it’s a movie about killer grass. And if you add those two audiences together there’s all the solid proof you need to show that this movie will become the biggest hit of all time.”
One Record Too Far
Obsessed Record Breaker Johnny Haraston becomes seriously depressed when he runs out of decent records to break – until insane scientist Professor Heidenbergh offers him the chance to grow the world’s biggest penis, which leads to, rather tragically, hundreds dying as a result. Expect to see acres of pubic hair but very few laughs sometime next Summer.
Mr and Mrs Fluffybunny Come To Town
Arnold Schwarzenneger has signed up to appear in this cute comedy from Arna Selznick, the director of Care Bears the movie, after vowing to never make a big budget blockbuster ever again. “I read this book on world war two, and was horrified. I just never realised that guns could be used to hurt people. I feel that I’ve been such a fool. So from now on I’m only going to make hilariously cute u-rated comedies.” However, industry expert’s have attempted to warn him off this idea, claiming that he will be bankrupt by 2004, and living in a box underneath another, larger box, by 2007, unless he pretends to kill someone on celluloid soon.
The Kiddie Job
Heist move with a difference – the robbers are all under six years old! “That fucker Potter is no doubt going to be so successful that it’ll soon be law that all movies have to feature kids in the lead roles,” producer Tamsin Mosh told us exclusively, “so we’re just jumping the gun a bit to cash in on this trend."
The Player meets Speed in this action comedy from Joel Schumacher, in which a runner on a big budget movie runner has a bomb attached to her shoe, and if she drops below 4mph her feet will explode. Not only are the producers of Speed suing, but also Microsoft, Nike and McDonalds, mainly due to their love of pointless court appearances.
A Sunny Day In Hell
When God (Danny Devito) is persuaded by Jesus (Tim Roth) to forgive Satan (an unrecognisable Mel Gibson) for his sins and make hell a nicer place to live, Lucifer can’t believe his luck. But his joy is short lived when he learns that a group of demons, lead by Alan Rickman, are intent on attacking Heaven and returning Hell to its former status, and it’s only a matter of time before he has to join forces with God and Jesus to save the universe. Expected to be released just in time for Xmas.
Volleytit
The latest gross out comedy from the makers of Dumb and Dumber. When an all girl volleyball team (inc. Alicia Sliverstone and Drew Barrymore) are tricked in to entering a nude competition, at first they are appalled, until they begin winning and the prize money of $1 million dollars seems within their reach. But will their already badly bruised breasts survive the final? Find out around Summer time.
Revenge of the Mentally ill
Post internet based thriller in which a group of care in the community patients join forces across the world wide web and plan on taking over the world – ‘like James Bond put much, much, much more politically incorrect’ director Michael Winner told us.
Frustrated by thirty years of tube travelling, Jonas Longfish (Deniro) begins a trail of terror across the London Underground by killing drivers and guards at random. ‘A hilarious romp – DeNiro has never made me laugh so much’ said the Times. But fears that this may spark copycat killings have been described as ‘well deserved, it’s about time underground staff feared for their lives’ by Mayor Ken Livingstone.
Death Shave
Freelance Barber Chris Tones (Harrison Ford) gets away with over 300 murders over a period of thirty years. ‘It’s the Lawrence of Arabia of serial killer movies’ co-star Matt Damon claimed at Cannes this
Anal Cunt and Son
21st century update of the classic BBC sitcom ‘Steptoe and Son’ financed and starring the heavy metal band. ‘Surprisingly sweet’ according to producer Josh J. Jonwow.
Her Stinking Clothes
Based on the true story of Joan Glass, the ninety year old woman who finally changed her clothes last year after seventy years of continuos wearage. Gwyneth Paltrow stars as the rat invested old whore, whilst bizarrely Michael Douglas features as both her husband and her son.
The Quiet Place
Romantic comedy set in a home for death and mute adults. Bill Pullman, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry star in this, the first film in over seventy years to contain no dialogue, bar the line ‘watch out for that piano!’
B Is For Bloodloss
Horrifying Tragi-drama shot in real time. When a man accidentally slits his wrist open on a piece of paper, he attempts to get to the hospital before he bleeds to death. but fate seems to be against him. Neil Jordan is attached to helm the pic. described as ‘sickening, but in a good way’.
Death By Jupiter
At first no one believes NASA boss Jimmy Cratch (Micheal Caine) when he drunkenly notices that Jupiter has broken from it’s orbit and is on a collision course for earth. And by the time the world finally takes notice of his screaming rants, it’s too late, and with just seven hours till the destruction of the planet, absolute fucking chaos breaks out.
Jim Carrey, John Cusack, and Laura Dern have also signed up to appear despite this being the first American movie to explicitly show anal sex.
Down The Darker Paths
Bizarre downbeat thriller with Helen Hunt as a heroine addicted detective investigating rumours that Brad Pitt (Christian Bale) assassinated Kurt Cobain (David Spade). “So post-post-ironic that I doubt any of you fucking critics will understand a word of it,” said director John Badham at this years Cannes film festival, “and even if you do, I bet you don’t tell anyone.” Set for a Christmas release in the UK.
Boyfriend Trouble
Winona Ryder is to star as Judie Mason, a young journalist who gains psychic powers after being hit by a meteorite. But when she learns that men only want to sleep with her if ridiculously drunk or suicidal, she becomes a lesbian with hilarious results. Drew Barrymore is to co-star, whilst Mike Myers has a small cameo as ‘first ex-boyfriend to be bludgeoned to death’.
Fictional version of the life of the British footballer that also predicts the next thirty years of his life in the last hour of the movie, including how after winning the world cup in 2002 he accidentally assassinates Fidel Catro and comically ends up running Cuba. Independently financed by the Beckham’s themselves, and starring David as himself, Lenny Henry as Dwight Yorke, Sean Bean as Teddy Sheringham, whilst the big surprise is the casting of Mr T as the sixty year old version of the overpaid footballer.
She’s Just So Crazy, Baby
Having finally been released from prison after five
Dr Death
Biopic of the infamous old people killer, Harold Shipman, which attempts to investigate just why he committed such terrible crimes, and if it is tied in with his passion for the music of Toploader. John Hurt, now down to his last eight quid, has been forced to take the lead role or face prison, whilst most of the cast of The Last of the Summer Wine and Waiting For God also feature as various victims.
Police Academy The Next Generation
Slightly futuristic update of the popular eighties screwball comedy series. Producers have illegally cloned seventeen versions of Steve Guttenberg so that he is playing all of the main parts, including, interestingly, both romantic leads. “If you’ve ever wanted to see Steve Guttenberg fuck himself, then you’ve come to the right place. Or film at the very least,” producer Irwin Wrashberg told us yesterday, before fleeing the country.
An Electric Kind of Love
Despite the failure of every cutesy robot related film released in the nineties, Disney have announced that their latest big budget live action comedy is based around a robot (Kurt Russell) falling in love with a super intelligent scientist confined to his wheelchair (Professor Stephen Hawking).
“Every night I pray to God that this will be the next Short Circuit or D.A.R.Y.L.” gushed Kurt Russell at a press conference last week, “And if it turns out anything like Bicentennial Man I promise to hang myself.”
Marmalade
Sixty million dollar remake of the cult low budget Brit film about a pot of marmalade that is left too close to a nuclear reactor, causing it to mutate in to a new life form hell bent on taking over the world. Tom Hanks and Harrison Ford are set to co-star for the first time, whilst original lead Patrick McGoohan has a cameo as ‘Man suffocated by Marmalade No.2’,
Don’t Juggle Me Boy!
When a US tourist (Andie McDowell) falls for a Brit juggler (Jude Law) it seems like love at first site – until she learns of his life threatening condition that means he can’t stop juggling for a second or he will become paralysed, starts shagging a more normal man (Gary Oldman) - and ball related terror inevitably ensues.
Long awaited sequel to Tarantino’s classic featuring none of the original cast, and directed by the bloke who made Weekend at Bernies. On Holiday in England, a retired Mr White, Mr Pink and Mr Orange all bump into each other at a garden centre, and it isn’t long before they begin to plan a plant related robbery – which predictably goes terribly wrong.
Kenny!
Bio-pic about the life of allegedly humorous comedian/radio DJ Kenny Everett, with Nicholas Lyndhurst as the hairy jokester and Chris Tarrant as his bitter tv boss enemy. Expect brief cameo's from famous eighties wife beaters Bruno Brookes and
10 Way Love
Tim Robbins has just signed up to take the lead in this romantic comedy erotic thriller, as truck driver Steve Johnstone, an evil maniac with nine wives in different towns. But when all the wives learn about each other they decide to move in to one house, and sexually please Johnstone to death. Robbins took the lead role due to 'not finding Susan Sarandon attractive anymore' according to an interview in Film Now magazine.
Surprise mega-hit, low budget American comedy about a group of students who spend ninety minutes persuading a burglar not to rob them by introducing him to soft drugs.
Jumping Ship
Hollywood’s interpretation of the sinking of the Mary Rose. Features the entire cast of TV’s Friends (including the monkey from the first season), Bruce Willis, Elizabeth Shue, Ben Affleck, Melissa Joan Hart and Harry Hill (as the ship’s jester). Suspiciously familiar plot wise to Titanic, director James Cameron claimed the similarities were co-incidental – and if anyone disagrees he would certainly consider some
Captain Stupid
Autobiography of Steve Hoomus, officially the stupidest man ever to have been born, and his attempts to find normality, love and work in a world that keeps on calling him ‘Captain Stupid’ and ‘a useless fuckwit who deserves to die’. Reports that Kenneth Branagh and William Hurt have been fighting in the streets over who will be cast as the main lead have yet to be confirmed.
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