Warner Brothers have created their own super hero, Tiger Man, so that they don’t have to pay any comics company any money any more, and are expected to spend over one hundred and fifty million on the film.The formats pretty similar to most superhero films – Josh Matador is bitten by a tiger previously abducted by aliens and operated on, and whenever he smells freshly cooked meat turns in to a half tiger, half man type creature. “Expect an all star cast and special effects so good that they’ll make you faint” writer Kevin Smith informed us.
The older Brother that Charles Foster Kane never knew he had finally leaves his family’s snow bound shack in search of his brother’s sledge, and is mistaken for the ghost of Kane. Paul Thomas Anderson is expected to direct, whilst Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves are set to work with each other again for the first time since The Devil’s Advocate.
CCTV Stalker
Policeman Reg Graves (Rupert Everett) watches CCTV footage all day in long in the hope of recognising criminals and slowly becomes obsessed with a young brunette, Hilary Jones, who never wears a bra (Kelly McDonald). But soon the audience is forced to ask, who’s stalking who?
Screaming wench Penelope Pitstop is the latest cartoon to be made in to a live action movie, with Cameron Diaz (plus twenty foot hair extensions) set to star as the crazy female racer constantly attacked by bizarre men. What has made this picture the talk of the town in Hollywood is the news that Spike Jonze has chosen it as his next project and is threatening to turn it in to ‘a dark study of post-modern Earth’.
Best 2
Sequel to John Lynch’s 1999 biography of the footballing great tells of George’s recent battle against alcohol addiction. Despite a budget of only five hundred and thirty seven pounds, producers promise that the film will be grimily realistic and that five pubs in London have already promised to let the film in their toilets for free.
Expect unpaid cameo’s from lots of footballers, and possibly an appearance by Best too, if he’s still alive when shooting begins.
Based on the recent insanity that gripped Britain throughout the recent petrol shortage, Richard Gere is to star as Clint Bellurk, a petrol station assistant and Vinnie Jones as his assistant, who are forced to defend themselves with a large collection of weaponry after enraged blood thirsty Brits attack the garage they work at. Robert Roderiguez is attached to direct and has described the project as “From Dusk Till Dawn on Metholated Spirits’.
Two Thousand And One Alsatians
A Hollywood version of the classic German movie, with Ron Howard attached to direct this tale of a couple of thousand rapid dogs who attempt to
Time Trick
After sleeping with, and accidentally killing, a mad scientist, a prostitute discovers a time machine in his home and uses it to go back in time and screw some of the richest and influential men in History. But it all goes a bit pear shaped when she becomes pregnant with Abraham Lincoln’s child, and is forced to decide where, and when, she wants to live. Drew Barrymore has been cast as the time travelling whore, whilst Jim Carrey is being pursued to play President Abe.
The Sheep Thief
Low budget welsh comedy starring Rhys Ifans as a local farmer who discovers his sheep are gradually going missing, and then hires an American private detective (Robert DeNiro) to investigate. Over 300 sheep starred as themselves, whilst John Noakes makes his film debut as a randy shepherd.
Look Who’s Talking 4
The sequel that no one wanted is due to start shooting later this month. Travolta returns to this awful franchise fresh from his disastrous performance in Battlefield Earth, whilst Sandra Bullock and Sharon Stone are set to perform the voices of the Siamese twins Travolta’s wife gives birth too. Expect an hour and a half of pointless comedy with no laughs at all around Christmas time.
Clive Anderson Strikes Back
The balding barrister is to appear in his first movie, directed by Jim Cameron, as an evil maniac intent on taking over the world with his uniquely witty put downs. Anderson himself has already claimed that the film is ‘a masterpiece, oh yes, starring the most charming man in the Universe,’ though critics have already begun panning it without having seen a single frame of the movie, simply because they’re sick of Anderson in general.
The Whistler Killer
Based on a true story, The Whistler Killer tells of Bob Moody, a man who hated whistling so much that he killed anyone who produced that high pitched whining noise. Tim Robbins is to take the lead, whilst Anthony Hopkins plays Captain James Sterling, the famously senile old detective who finally captured Moody in the gents toilets at Victoria station.
Henman!
Heavily fictional version of the life of Britain’s best ever tennis player. Includes all the dramatic action of Wimbledon, including the time that he did quite well, but obviously came no where near winning the competition. The film features an all star cast, as well as cameo’s from Cliff Richard, Micheal Winner and The Queen herself.
To be directed by Neil Jordan and starring Helena Bonham Carter, Stephen Rea, and Aidan Quinn, Horse Face is the true story of Jennifer Bolligton-Parkerson, a girl born so ugly she was christened ‘Horse Face’ by her parents. Bonham Carter is heavily made up throughout, with eight inch teeth grafted on to her own gums to capture the look. Check out pictures from the movie on it’s official website “www.fuckmethatsdisgusting.com”. Certificate 18.
The Tickler
The latest superhero comedy from the States is set to star Kevin Spacey as the superhero with enormous arms and fingers, who tickles super villains in to
Grange Hill – The Movie
The BBC are financing this big screen production of their small screen hit kiddies series, centring on a group of kids who get in to loads of scrapes involving bestiality, cocaine, and maths homework. Zammo cameos as a priest who helps the kids out when they run low on drugs.
Hitler The Musical!
The first film Austria has ever produced in English tells the cheeky story of young Adolf Hitler’s rise to power. Includes the songs ‘I said kill the goose, not all the Jews!’, ‘I’m just a misunderstood little dictator’ and ‘I guess it’s time to fake my suicide.’
English Terror
Sam Mendes’ sequel to his acclaimed debut, American Beauty, is set to be filmed in Balham, London, and tells the story of Bob Cassocks, a man who becomes so fed up with his life that he starts taking heroine and dating old women. Mendes claims that this film is ‘even more realistic, and true to life, than American Beauty was. Probably.’ The nudity in the film has reportedly already caused several people to be very, very sick.
A Streetcar Named Fuckface
Tenessee Williams’ famous play has been updated for the twenty first century and tells the story of Annette DuBois, and her abusive marriage to Stevey, a man who constantly swears. Tiswas star Bob Carolgee’s makes an appearance as a homophobic old man who conceals a gun in Spit the Dog.
One Mass Wedding and a 108 Funerals
Jude Law stars in this British comedy about a cult who all marry each other, and then commit suicide. Hugh Grant has a brief cameo as Jesus Christ, and the film has already been banned in 17 countries on the grounds that ‘it’s incredibly offensive and that it might give people ideas. And no one wants that, surely.'
Another big budget summer movie, Planet of the Swans isn’t just a rehash of the Apes movies with Swans in their places, oh no. Well, alright it is, though director Spike Jonze claims that this movie will be ‘much, much more scarier. I mean, have you ever been attacked by a swan? It’s fucking horrible, I can tell you.’ Already three thousand designers are working on giant Swan costumes that will apparently be so realistic that real life swans will worship them as their gods.
Frankly La Beouf, Oui don't give a damn!
Starring: Gene Wilder, Leslie Nielsen, Jean Reno, and all the usual suspects
First Germans, Jews, Blacks, and now the French footballers feel the brunt of this Brooks Spooferama, set in the dramatic final of the last world cup and costing only one hundred and five dollars.
Algernon: Portrait of a satricial witticist!
Directed by: Andrew Davies
Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Stephen Fry, Eddie Izzard, Jack Dee, Martin Clunes
The Importance of being Earnest meets Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, as Stephen Fry (Algernon) rebukes his way into turning most of the remaining cast suicidal.
Muppets meet GM food
Directed by: Brian Henson, Alistair Campbell
Starring: Muppets, Tony Blair
Well let's face it, they've dealt with every other issue! Probably the last of the franchise, as reports have reached us that this features the harrowing deaths of Gonzo, Kermit and Miss Piggy.
The Last Temptation of Christ 2
Directed by Robert Rodriguez
Starring: Adam Sandler, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Sir John Gielgud
It’s the story the bible never told – what happened to Christ after he died. Heaven’s no pinic with Dad in charge and every young woman/angel trying to get in to Jesus’ pants. Will he give in to murderous/sexual temptations? Certificate PG.
Johnny Zoo
Directed by John Badham
Starring: Christina Ricci, Noah Wyle, and John Goodman as the voice of Sidney the snake.
When Johnny (E.R.’s Noah Wyle) meets Susie (Christina Ricci) at the zoo he works at, it’s love at first sight – until he learns she’s a rabid carnivore with a wish to eat one of every animal. He, of course, is a wimpy, pathetic, vegetarian, with a love for all animals. Find out if their love can survive these tedious difficulties in December.
Honey I Shrunk My Cock
Directed by Rick Moranis
Starring: Rick Moranis, John Moranis, Susan Moranis
Rick Moranis attempts to spice up his pathetic career with an intimate drama about a man whose wife leaves him after he accidentally shrinks his cock, and how he takes out his murderous rages on hamsters. Independently funded. Certificate 12.
Kosovo
Directed by David Lynch
Starring: Harry Dean Stanton, Chris Isaac, Everett McGill.
Lynch is the latest director attactched to this movie, a hard hitting drama about the recent war, in which no one is quite sure what is going on, at anytime. “Lynch is the perfect director for this picture,” Jeffrey Katzenberg announced yesterday after Ron Howard walked out over the weekend.
Directed by Ridley Scott
Starring: Brad Pitt, Christian Bale, Enrico Addicho, Jenna Elfman, Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson.
Rdiley Scott's latest project is a fictional tale set in the great storm of Nineteen eighty seven where quite a few trees fell over and a couple of people died. Pitt is the telephone engineer desperately trying to maintain communications between the Prime Minister (Morgan Freeman) and the only weather man in Britain who may know where the storm is going to go next (Samuel L. Jackson). Starts filming in Arizona in August.
Directed by David Bowie
Starring: David Bowie, Kathy Burke, Ralf Little, Jane Horrocks
Bowie finally reveals the complete and utter shocking truth about himself in this film autobiography. Kathy Burke plays Mick Jagger, Ralf Little is Paul McCartney, whilst bizarrely Jane Horrocks plays Margaret Thatcher. Certificate U.
Toy Story 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Directed by: Quite a few different people.
Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen.
After the success of Toy Story and it’s sequel, Disney are now producing another 8 sequels at the moment. Allen and Hanks have recorded every word ever spoken in to a computer, so that they don’t have to be actually do any work on the movies, but will still be paid $15 million per picture.
Jesse’s Fashion Tips
Directed by Paul Whitehouse
Starring: The Cast of The Fast Show
This is the latest brit comedy to transfer to the big screen. After accidently meeting Mick Jagger one day, Jesse becomes his fashion advisor. Expect comedy hijinks and extreme violence in early 2001.
Brando and Pesci team up for the first time as a pair of British punters who punt up and down the Thames all day. Expect lots of water related comedy, swearing and a little romance courtesy of Winona Ryder and Jenna Elfman. To be directed by Steven Spielberg. Certificate 18.
Cutter
Directed by David Fincher
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Drew Barrymore, Matt Le Blanc.
Barrymore plays a psychotic serial killer who like to cut up her victims. LeBlanc is the cop who fails to catch her. Rumours from the set suggest that Fincher has completely lost it, screaming at DiCaprio all the time, often calling him a useless monkey fuckwit. The film is already eight million over budget, and it only started shooting last Thursday.
The Biggest Sleep of All
Directed by Johnny Apesley
Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, James Mason, Cary Grant, Harrison Ford and Robin Williams.
This is the first film in which all the actors are computer generated, hence Bogart et al coming back from the dead. Williams and Ford are also computer generated twenty year olds in the film, back when they were quite good actors. The plot is some nonsense about Phillip Marlow investigating the death of the President, apparently, though I doubt anyone who'd go to see this shite would really care.
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