In what's been described as "The miscasting of the century, nay, the millennium," Tom Hanks is to be the latest actor to don the infamous blue tights and red cape to star as Superman. Based on J.J. Jonson's "Superman: 2525" mini series published back in 1998, this sees a slightly older Superman deal with a future society that is obsessed with casual sex. "Superman was bought up in an age where love and commitment mattered far more than just getting your rocks off," Hanks told us, "So he can't cope with a society where sex is the only important thing in life. And when he accidentally kills the great great great great great great granddaughter of Lana Lang with his super powerful spunk, events become much much much more darker and sexually disturbing."
LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
Schizophrenic artist Jakob Alikey painfully battles with his ever changing mental condition whilst refusing to take any medication which might inhibit his work. Unfortunately for him, three of his personalities think they are The Three Stooges, and it's not long before he's slapping himself around the face, dropping piano's down stairways, and committing acts of arson. "Funny, sad, funny, then sad, then funny again, then a bit maudlin, then really funny, then sad, before being funny again. And then sad," according to producer Mandy Biscuit.
CRYING IN THE RAIN
What looks set to be quite possibly the most miserable chick flick ever made has finished shooting and is set to be released later this year. Crying In The Rain centers around Hailey Wapery (Mena Suavari) who is about to marry her
INSIDE I'M SITTING DOWN FEELING QUITE MISERABLE
Paraplegic director Micheal Sangster has made an unofficial sequel to hit cripple comedy "Inside I'm Dancing" which offers an alternative point of view to that traditionally seen in films featuring the disabled. "I'm sick of seeing happy go lucky, living life to the max, joyful disabled people in movies," Sangster explains, "Yeah, I've met the odd guy who's been upbeat and positive, but trust me, the majority of us are drowning in depression and constantly offensive to all. And who can blame us? Wouldn't you be a little miserable if you couldn't do a single fucking thing all the shitting time? Now fuck off out of my house before I shout a lot and hope that eventually someone will come and get rid of you."
LOVE ME DON'T
After his wife leaves him, marriage guidance counselor Rob Thornton (John Cusack) finds himself deliberately splitting up the couples he's supposed to be helping out of simple, but understandable, bitterness. But when he's responsible for ending the marriage between the daughter of a local Mafia henchman and the son of Tv personality, it's predictably not long before he finds his life in danger, and his pants comically split. John Cusack told The Daily Telegraph when explaining why he took the role: "I don't know, I've given up, I make good films, no bastard goes to see them, I make crap, no one sees that either. So from now on I'm just gonna make average bland nonsense in the hope that I get recognized at least once in a while in public. Is that too much to ask?"
THE SIMPSONS WAY
Super Size-Me director Morgan Spurlock's next feature is another documentary concerning dietary habits. This time, watching one episode of The Simpsons a day, he only eats whatever Homer Simpson eats during the show. "I'm a one idea guy, what can I say," Spurlock told The Daily Telegraph, "And I love eating shit food. My bloody vegan girlfriend would never normally let me get away with eating fast food crap, that's why I have to keep coming up with ideas like this. And before you ask, yes, my next film will feature me eating crap all the time. It's based around the idea that every time Jonathan Ross says something smugly self-referrential, I have to eat a kfc bargain bucket. And no, I don't know if I will live or die this time."
THE DOLL QUEEN
Based on a true story, The Doll Queen centers around German Grandfather Gunther Bohn, who way back in 1997 infamously stole five horribly decayed corpses and made life size sex toys out of them for his daughter's entertainment. "A lot of the world was aghast when they heard this story," Director Ron Howard recently said, "But he only did it after failing to make real sex dolls, they kept on bursting or looking like Vanessa Feltz. His daughter was so ugly he knew she'd never have sex without his aid, and yet unlike most German pensioners, wasn't prepared to offer up his own body for sexual use. And that's why he stole the corpses. And why my film is a light hearted musical, and not a horror film as many expected."
THE PAULA RADCLIFFE STORY
Three separate biopics of the now infamous athlete are currently in the works, all of which depict Radcliffe as a lazy slag who only ever won races by complete luck, where it comes as no surprise when her true colours shine through at the 2004 Olympics. Friends have complained that this shows her in a poor light, but even they admit that "She let down the entire country in Greece, and I suppose it is only fair that these films rip her apart. To be honest, she's lucky we didn't tar and feather her. And then burn her. Burn her good."
Wish It Were True Movie News
The Horse Shouterer
Flusher and Crippen
The Seeboard Story
Sing Me One More Song
Sniff
Take A Chance On Me
The Stepford Wives Are Back, Back,
Back
Nappy Rash
Brick By Brick
Volleytit 2 - Volleyarse
Kittens In Love
Flowers For The Lost
Sleepless
Dumbing Down
The Elephant Man
The Swinging Sixties
Fly Me To The Moon
Love Is...
Arrrgh!
Death Runs
That Giddy Feeling
Traitor
Finding Rumpty
Camping About
Dating Games
Dangerous Weather
Golden Showers
Petey For President
Drinking Drivers
The Day After The Day After Tomorrow
Bushfucked
Spiderman 3
A Leg For A Leg
Food For Thought
There Goes The Papacy
Chase Me If You Want
Punch-Drunk Hate
False Alarm
Carry On London 2&3
The Gynaecologists
Soggy Biscuit
Donno Darky
Whats In A Name?
Passport To Pimlico 2
Stella Street
Buy-Sexual
Sherlock Holmes and Elvis Vs. The Zombies Of Death
Hands Up If You're A Commie
Monty Mole The Movie
The Last Frenchman
Bill Gates Must Die
Monkfish
Death On The Rock
Shall We Tell The President?
A Mess For Tess
Fish & Chips
White Heat 2 - Even Whiter Heat
A Temporary Hell
The Monkey That Stole The Magna Carta
Darius
The Bird Killer
Belle and Sebastian The Movie
The Day The Circus Came To Town
Supersheep
The Man Who Ate Everything But The Arms And Legs
Miss Headremover
Grass
One Record Too Far
Mr And Mrs FluffyBunny Come To Town
The Kiddie Job
The Runner
A Sunny Day In Hell
Volleytit
Revenge Of The Mentally Ill
Down The Tube
Death Shave
Anal Cunt And Son
Her Stinking Clothes
The Quiet Place
B Is For Bloodloss
Death By Jupiter
Down The Darker Paths
Boyfriend Trouble
Beckham - The Movie
She's Just Crazy, Baby
Dr Death
Police Academy The Next Generation
An Electric Kind Of Love
Marmalade
Don't Juggle Me Boy!
Reservoir Dogs 2
Kenny
10 Way Love
Smokers
Jumping Ship
Captain Stupid
Kane 2
CCTV Stalker
Untitled Penelope Pitstop Feature
Best 2
Petrol
Two Thousand And One Alsatians
Time Trick
The Sheep Thief
Look Who's Talking 4
Clive Anderson Strikes Back
The Whistler Killer
Henman
Horseface
The Tickler
Grange Hill - The Movie
Hitler The Musical
English Terror
A Streetcar Named Fuckface
One Mass Wedding And A 108 Funerals
Planet Of The Swans
Frankly Le Bouef, Oui Don't Give A Damn
Algernon: Portrait Of A Serial Witticist
The Muppets Meet GM Food
The Last Temptation Of Christ 2
Johnny Zoo
Honey I Shrunk My Cock
Kosovo
Storm
The David Bowie Story
Toy Story 3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10
Jesse's Fashion Tips
Cutter
The Biggest Sleep Of All
Punters
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