Yes you have read that correctly. Anthony Hopkins does indeed sing. Well sort of…
About a year ago I happened to be scouring the Charity Shops of Redhill town centre, of which there are many, searching for bargains. I had almost exhausted all of them except for one, the British Heart Foundation.Now its not that I think BHF is an unworthy charity but by now I had no bargains and my stomach was beginning to rumble. I checked the change in my pocket. All I had was a fifty pence piece. I could get a King Size Mars / Twix bar or a big packet of crisps. Mmmmm! But the nearest newsagent was the other side of town and I wasn’t sure if I could be bothered, but then a strange thing happened. I somehow found myself drawn towards the charity shop.
Ignoring the sounds coming from my tummy I went inside. I searched the book section. Nothing. Clothes. Nothing. Toys. Nothing. Records. Wait a minute what’s this? In amongst the Spandau Ballet and Andy Williams records was “Distant Star” By Anthony Hopkins.
What can I tell you about this record? Well not that much. It was released in 1986 on Juice records. It has two A sides, “Distant Star” and “Ordinary Man”. The cover sleeve of the single has a wonderful picture of the man himself wearing a fantastic Saturday Night Fever-esque white shirt. His chest hairs showing and unshaven chin. Rather bizarrely he seems to be pressing the side of his forehead with his hand, which incidentally looks far too big. His expression I think is meant to be smoulderingly sexy but instead looks like he has a headache. Almost like he has a hangover!! (Don’t worry Tony fans. I know he was well over his alcohol addiction by then.) In the corner is his signature, topping off what is a very amusing picture.
Now we come to the songs. For this imagine a Shakespeare soliloquy crossed with a William Shatner song. That’s right. Its that bad! Over a rather poor mid eighties synthesized orchestral tune (!) Sir Anthony recites a very bad poem. Yes, recites. No attempt at singing then. Not for our Sir Anthony. He’s a thesp. He’s done Hamlet (probably). Anyway, the record producers realized this sounded a bit poor, so near the climax of the record (if you can call it that) they drafted in some female backing singers to make things sound slightly classier. They just make things sound worse. Anyway hear for yourselves by downloading some of the song by clicking here. The B-side, “Ordinary Man” is the most depressing song you’ll ever hear. No, honestly. It’s far worse than Joy Division, even!
So what made him record it? Well a quick look at his filmography on The Internet Movie Database shows that in 1986 his film career was a little dry. The only film in fact was called “86 Charing Cross Road” a modest little romantic comedy in the Merchant Ivory mould. So hardly a fee bursting blockbuster. Its safe to say then that he did it for the money. No doubt he thought he could cash in on his classic charm and sensual masculinity. He was wrong. That’s why A Distant Star is in a charity shop.
So remember when you next bump into Anthony Hopkins in LA be sure to stop him and ask, “When are you recording the follow-up to A Distant Star?”
He’ll love you for it!
Paul Monk.
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