HIRED DEATH HOUND NEARLY KILLS POPULAR CELEB!
Rolf Harris is recovering in Hospital, today, right now, after a small mongrel attempted to kill him by removing his legs and arms from his body. Unfortunately the police arrived before ‘our’ Rolfie discovered whether or not there is an afterlife, and rushed him to a nearby hospital.
Harris, best known for mauling animals on the television, sadly lost only three toes and a thumb, and escaped otherwise unhurt. Rolf is reportedly ‘quite chipper’, and Doctor’s at the hospital expect him to only need to stay in Hospital for a few days, though they are hopeful that he may contract some deadly disease and die before they have to release him.
Somewhat surprisingly, Police have since discovered that this was not simply a random animal attack. The Mongrel was later caught revisiting the scene of the crime, and traced back to his owner, Peter Simon Jonkstone, who has made the astonishing claim that he was hired by a man to kill Mr Harris via the usage of his pet rabid dog, nicknamed ‘muttski face’ by his close friends.
“This bloke came up to me in an anorak,” Mr Jonkstone informed us today from police custody, using his only telephone call, “and asked if ‘Muttski face’ and me were interested in doing a ‘job’ for him. He rambled on about hearing that Harris had been cast as Dr Who in the new movie on this internet site ‘www.drwhonews24.com’ and was really angry about it. So he paid me five quid to set ‘Muttski face’ on Harris. And quite frankly I was glad to do it. Oops. I think someone overheard that. Oh my God! They’ve got really huge truncheons….”
Police are investigating Jonkstone’s claims, and at a press conference today confirmed that the story did appear on the aforementioned website, and also stated that Mr Jonkstone "didn't even own an electric toaster, let alone an internet connected computer, so there may be some truth in his tedious ramblings," before heading off in the direction of a local pub. Probably.
And the story has taken one further twist, as ironically, for Rolf at least, the story on www.drwhonews24.com has turned out to be 'a load of rubbishy bollocks', as Magnum PI's Tom Selleck has actually been cast in the role of the tired old timelord. Hey, it made us smile, anyway.
MONKEY ATTACKS ON THE RISE IN THE SOUTH
Residents of the south east of England have been increasingly plagued by attacks by monkeys, many of which escaped during the great monkey break out of Chessington in 1997.
The monkeys, who hunt in packs of six or seven, often wait until pub closing time before attacking their victims. One man who was lucky enough to escape having his life removed by the clawed mammals, a Mr James Staleyington, claimed that the attack has scarred him for life, and not just physically. “I’d drunk about a hundred and fifteen pints or so, and was a little unsteady on my feet, when suddenly a huge pack of monkeys leapt at me, clawing, ripping, tearing and screaming. And they were chuckling too. I think I would have died that day, if it hadn’t been for a group of English football fans who thought the monkeys were of Turkish origin, and proceeded to get in to a two hour fight with them, during which I made my escape.”
The Police are reportedly scared of the monkeys too, and have no idea how to solve the problem, and so for the time being are intending on taking a holiday for a couple of months, until the problem ‘blows over, or the monkeys take over the world, just like in that movie ‘Monkey Kings’.
NEW SURVEY REVEALS ‘WOMEN ARE CRAP IN BED’
A New Survey, published this month in Macho Arse Magazine, has revealed that not only men think that women are crap in bed, but women do too. Oh yes. It’s all true, don’t you doubt it. For over 70% of the men surveyed claimed that women “often just laid there like some sort of sack of potato’s, or a corpse” whilst 25% claimed that they could only ejaculate during sex whilst thinking about another woman, or, in certain cases, football teams.
But it was not only the male population who considered females to be lacking in the bedroom department – 38% of the women who answered the survey stated that “they just didn’t know how to please a man these days, what with all the different sexual positions and techniques now available,” whilst 25% claimed that “they didn’t even know how to achieve orgasm themselves, so why should they bother trying to please men before themselves.” Which sounds fair enough to me.
However, top feminist Susy-sue Johnson has claimed that the poll is a load of ‘bollocks’ and that those who took part in it had ‘the IQ of an underdeveloped pony’. “All women know how to please a man these days,” she told us, “What with all the fantastically rude information available on the net today, – but most just don’t want to, as they’re tired of being covered in sperm all the time.”
TEACHER SUICIDE RATE UP BY 50%
Teachers are committing suicide more often than ever these days, as conditions in schools worsen, and the teachers are no longer legally allowed to fornicate with their pupils. One teacher, who has taken over 50 overdoses, claimed that he was tired of being “abused, scratched, screwed, sued and raped on a daily basis by his seven year old pupils – sometimes metaphorically, sometimes physically.”
The government have all recently buried their heads in the sand until the next election is over, and refuse to comment on the increasingly disturbing situation, but several parents have become concerned, and even a little scared by the escalating death rate. One mother, “Mrs X” informed us that many parents were outraged by the news. “It’s disgusting. It makes me want to be sick over several different people right now. Why doesn’t Blair do something, for God’s sake,” she screamed at us, “because before long, there won’t be any teachers left, and then what will we do? Teach them ourselves? I don’t want to be surrounded by bloodthirsty children all day long, I can tell you.”
Whilst most teachers were too terrified to talk to us, one headmaster played down the affair. “It’s not as bad as you think, I’m sure. Only two teachers have killed themselves this year, and one was possibly a lawnmower related accident – the police have yet to confirm this yet. And anyway, even if all teachers did die, I’m sure the pupils of today could teach each other quite adequately.” More news on this story soon.
OAP BOMBER ARRESTED – SICK YOUNG MAN NOW IN POLICE CUSTODY.
Micheal Alfred Crane, 27, was taken in to police custody last night, and charged with the exploding of at least seven old age pensioners. Crane, nicknamed The OAP Bomber by the tabloid press, is believed to be responsible for the shockingly cruel deaths that have shocked the nation in the last week. He is believed to have planted the bombs in old people’s handbags or shopping trolleys, and then watched in delight as they exploded, covering innocent bystanders in a mixture of old flesh and warts.
Only one planned bombing failed to result in any casualty’s. Crane attempted to kill Glastonbury organiser Micheal Eavis, but through blind luck Eavis escaped. Speaking via the internet, two days ago, Eavis informed us that “Crane planted a bomb on me head, like, but I noticed it a couple of minutes later, when I was trying on a new hat I’d just bought. Luckily I threw the bomb in to a passing cow, and no one was seriously hurt by the explosion. But just think, I could be dead right now, and the whole nation would be weeping.”
Police Inspector ‘Crazy’ Jonathon Poppledom issued this statement last night: “It is with great joy and relief that I can announce that the OAP bomber has been finally caught. Micheal Alfred Crane was found at his home last night with bomb making equipment, several starving rats, and a large collection of pornography, many of which featured great-grandmothers, including my own, stark naked. We are sure that he is the man responsible for these crimes, and I’m convinced that we’ll know for sure as soon as we can beat a confession out of him. It’s just a shame, at the end of the day, that he’s not black.”
However, Crane’s mother, Mrs Crane, spoke out against the Police earlier today. “It’s a stitch up”, she rabidly claimed, “Micheal only made bombs for blowing up animals, or sometimes foreigners, but never old people. He loved those degenerating old folks as if they were his own children, which, despite being impossible, I think he considered many of them to be. I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure he’s released as soon as possible, or at least at some point during my lifetime.”
Crane is expected to face trial later this month, and if convicted, faces up to two hundred years in prison, though top doctors don’t expect him to live quite that long.
RONAN KEATING ARRESTED FOR SELLING COKE TO KIDS
Top boy band singer, Ronan Keating, of the IRA funded Boyzone, was arrested earlier today for selling cocaine to young children. The Irish singer, who famously appeared at the Brits last year wearing only a balaclava, exposing his deformed genitals, was seen by baby faced undercover policemen, posing as school children, giving little packages of white powder to small children in exchange for their lunch money, and, in extreme cases, their satchels.
The police later approached Keating, who allegedly claimed that “he could get them anything they wanted – drugs, women, even animals if they had the cash.” They proceeded to purchase cocaine from the singer, snort it, giggle for a while, and then arrested him. Whilst Keating himself is yet to issue any kind of statement, fellow band member Stephen Gately couldn’t be stopped from giving his opinion. And we did try. By God we tried our best. But it wasn’t enough to stop Gately claiming that the arrest came as no surprise to him: “Ronan’s always had this disturbing dark side to him, and he acts like an irritable monkey with some sort of anal problem, always jumping around and screaming. He used to spike our drinks with crack, just for a laugh, when we were on tour, and now that he’s been arrested at least my personal nightmare has come to an end.”
Fans of the boyband have yet to commit suicide, but Samaritan helpline workers claimed that they were expecting a flood of calls from distressed toddlers any time now, and have cancelled all summer leave to cope with the expected deluge of calls.
DANDO KILLER ALSO SUSPECTED OF KILLING PRINCESS DIANA AND JFK
The man who has proved that the old adage ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is infact no longer true in this day and age, Barry Michael George, is also suspected of killing other top celebrities, including Princess Diana and John F Kennedy, as well as Crimewatch’s Jill Dando.
Police Inspector John Gobson, 97, informed the press last night that Mr George was obviously guilty of a lot of crimes, mainly because he ‘had this sly cheeky grin on his face throughout the interrogation, a sure sign of a guilty man...Also, we now have evidence that he may have been in Dallas at the time of JFK’s death. Sure, he may have only been three at the time, but as the latest massacre’s in America’s nursery schools have proved, that’s easily old enough to know how to kill a man. Plus he was also in Paris at the time of Diana’s death, so we’re looking in to the possibility that he may have killed her too. Somehow. We’re a bit sketchy on the details at the moment, I’m afraid.”
Mr George, who changed his name to ‘Mr Donkey’ for four years before changing it to ‘Mr Bulsara’ in honour of the late great Queen singer Freddie Mercury, has claimed that he is completely innocent of all crimes. Ever. Speaking to our undercover reporter, earlier today, he said that he had ‘never done a wrong thing in my life, and that included jaywalking and masturbating over Dawson’s Creek’. He also claimed that he didn’t know why he’d been prosecuted, wearily stating: ‘I think I’m just a scapegoat for unsolved crimes. Next they’ll be blaming me for the death of Christ I suppose.’
NOEL GALLAGHER ADMITS THAT “THE NEXT OASIS ALBUM IS SHITE TOO.”
Noel Gallagher, lead singer with the Mancunian pop band Oasis, has admitted that their next album is going to be shite, too, despite the fact that he has yet to write or record any of it.
In a drunken interview with our undercover pop reporter, Chas Moistly, he confessed that the next Oasis album, due for release sometime in 2002, is going to be a massive disappointment to the fans of the fading indie band. “Everyone knows that I can’t write for toffee, or any other sweet related product, these days. The press has finally caught on to the fact that apart from re-hashing old Beatles tunes, I haven’t got a clue how to make a hit record. I’m afraid to admit that the next album ‘Where Are We Now?’ is utter shite, without a decent original tune on it.” He did reveal, however, that the album after that was going to be really good.
“After releasing a third bad album, and after Liam leaves that band due to ‘dying of alcohol poison’, I intend to collaborate with loads of people, including Keith Flint, S Club 7, Rick Witter, and Cilla Black. I’m sure with all that top talent on board, the sixth Oasis album will be a classic.” Whether anyone will care by then, or even buying new music for that matter, is of course a question without an answer. Sorry.
HUGH GRANT AND LES DENNIS ‘ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED’
Recently cuckolded male celebrities Hugh Grant and Les Dennis have been seen together in ‘romantic clinches’ throughout London and the South East, according to our undercover gossip hound, Rob Panting.
The two top showbiz stars, who have both recently been dumped by their incredibly attractive other halves, allegedly sort comfort in each other’s naked forms, and sources close to the two state that they are ‘slightly happier than they’ve ever been before’. One witness, who saw the couple together in a peep show in Soho, stated that they were ‘holding hands and laughing like children. I’ve never seen two people happier together, and that includes my parent’s who loved each other till the day they both killed themselves in a grisly suicide pact.’
Whilst the two stars have thus refused to comment on their recent ‘gayness’, those in the media were unsurprised, with one editor of a top national newspaper informing us that ‘at least now everyone knows why the two girls left their husbands for newer cocks.’
ROYAL HARD ON SHOCKER!
PRINCE CHARLES CONFESSES TO HAVING A PERMANENT ERECTION EVER SINCE SEEING BILLIE’S NIPPLE!
Fans of the Royal Family, the real one rather than the tv series, which is obviously far more popular, have been overwhelmed by the news that Prince Charles has been sporting a permanent erection ever since seeing a picture of the popular singer Billie Piper’s nipple.
The picture, published this year in The Sun ‘newspaper’ on May 9th, whilst questionably un-erotic to the majority of the country, the Prince has allegedly been unable to beat down his erection since seeing it. One servant at Buckingham Palace, who we punched nearly to death until he talked to us, described the last few weeks as a nightmare for all staff at the palace.
“The Prince has never been randier,” he said, “forcing all staff to try and relieve him of his problem with any hole that is available at the time. Camilla is apparently exhausted by his sexual needs, and, to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he died of some lack of spunk related disease soon.”
Whilst the Palace has refused to make any official comment, it is reported that Billie herself is rather flattered by the Prince’s problem, telling one friend, who was, infact, sigh, one of our undercover reporters in disguise “Wow! I’ve always wanted to shag Royalty – before Britney got her claws in to Prince Wills I thought I had a chance with him, but I’m sure his Dad will be just as good in bed!” before collapsing in a fit of giggles. As per usual, you can count on us to inform you as soon as Prince Charles’ genitals return to their normal size.
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