Our deep, deep, deep undercover agent, Mr Z (not his real name) contacted us last night via pigeon to reveal a scandal that may shake our country to it’s very knees, if not all the way down to it’s toes.
Mr Z revealed to us, in his usual enigmatic way, that the technology for every house in the country to have it’s own video phone installed for less than the price of a couple of loaves of bread, and a pack of six eggs, now exists. But the government has refused to allow telephone companies to sell the technology at a reasonable price as they fear the results that it may bring. When pressed for reasons, he explained that Jack Straw had expressed fears that “Obscene phone calls may become really offensive now. People could pretend to be talking with their genitals, or, even worse, a combination of sex toys and buttocks, which may shock a particularly innocent man to death. We just can’t take the risk.” But it was not this factor alone that has stopped the release of such phones. Straw is also terrified that video phones could be used by the pornography market to transmit hard core films in to the homes of, well, anyone, including those who have never seen a naked body before, like Trainspotters and Star Trek fans.
“Just think,” he could have said, “that if people can watch pornography just by calling a simple phone number, well, they’d probably end up spending their whole lives masturbating over the phone – and is that how we want our innocent children to lose their ‘virtual virginity’ these days?”
THE SUN PROMISES TO STOP PRINTING LIES
The Sun newspaper, bought by the poor and tit-desperate, has issued a statement claiming that it will stop telling lies from now on.
After being slammed by the broadsheets for making up such stories as ‘Princess Di is alive and well and presenting kids tv in Malta’ and ‘Blair Baby has two heads – Mandelson’s glad it’s a boy’, the paper claims it will now only print stories that it’s reporters witness first hand, and have photographic evidence of. The editor, who recently changed his name to Billie Shakespeare in an attempt to hide his shameful past, claimed that “the days of The Sun buying stories of bored school children and drunken homeless people are well and truly over. We will only print the whole, utter and complete truth from now on, and, one day, we might even learn how to write properly too. I think it’s our duty too, as the country’s best selling newspaper, that we don’t produce a paper that isn’t thoroughly shite.”
Star players in the Chelsea Football camp, including Dennis Wise and George Weah, have admitted that their victory in the FA Cup on Saturday was a complete fluke.
“We didn’t have a clue what we were doing,” Wise informed us earlier today, “infact most of the time I was on the pitch I was fantasising about Donna Air – sure, she may be stupid, but she’s damn horny too.” Weah also admitted to not knowing what he was doing, stating that “I didn’t know what I was doing any of the time”, as apparently he’d got so drunk the night before that he was “unable to even remember my own name, let alone recognise what a football was. At the end of the day, it was just luck that got us our pathetic one nil victory.”
However, Chelsea Manager Gianluca Vialli claimed that his player’s were infact talking “absolute bollocks. However stupid our team came across on the day,” he said in a press statement only issued eight seconds ago, “Aston Villa were clearly even more clueless, often kicking balloons around instead of the ball – and I think David James was playing another game, maybe Badminton, or Bowls, rather than football.”
Football pundits, including Mad Andy Gray, have declared the FA Cup Final the worse ever, but still claimed it was more exciting than any game of American Football ever played. Which is probably fair enough.
Scenes cut from Chris Morris’ controversial comedy series ‘Jam’ (also known as ‘Jaaaaaaammmmmm’) were shown to old people, yesterday, to see whether they would be suitable for broadcast after 2am.
But tragedy struck when three of the old people, when watching a sketch involving the actor Kevin Eldon slowly fellating a horse before biting it’s penis off and laughing maniacally, caused them to have simultaneous heart-attacks and die instantly. Four others also slipped in to a coma from which they are yet to recover. Channel Four bosses have apologised to the relatives of the pensioners, but were slightly smug at the same time, stating “at least we were right to cut these scenes in the first place. Just imagine if we hadn’t – their might not be any old people left in the world at all right now.”
Chris Morris was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, but his Mum claimed she had no problems with her son’s admittedly uncomfortable style of humour “If Chris’s comedy can help decrease our huge OAP population problem,” she may have said, “then I hope he’ll continue and make more shows that kill pensioners.”
HAGUE ADMITS TO STEALING DOGS
Seriously balding conservative leader William Hague last night admitted to being the phantom dog stealer of Westminster. Over three hundred dogs have gone missing recently, and after extensive police detection, senior officers closed in on the soon to be ex leader of the Conservative party.
Inspector John ‘John’ Johnson Jnr told us yesterday that “Hague was caught on camera luring dogs in to his car with plates of sausages and other meat related products, and we finally caught him last night with two poodles in his back seat. We don’t know yet why he stole so many dogs, and indeed what he has done with them. But we will do, soon, or at least sometime during this century.” Wish It Were True? News, however, was granted a short five minute interview with the hairless fool via a telephone in his prison cell, in which he told us why he’d stolen so many four legged animals. “I’m just so lonely,” he told us, “that I took to stealing dogs, dressing them up in human clothes, and giving them important jobs in my shadow cabinet. I never thought I’d get caught, I mean, after all, famous people are normally well above the law. Nobody ever cared about John Major taping cats and mice together and watching them attempt to kill each other, after all. But now I’ve been caught I guess I’ll have to admit to all my other crimes too. Sigh. It’s just not fair. Anyway, I’ve got to go now, as it’s time to take a shower.”
Whilst the Conservative Party has failed to issue any sort of press statement, not even a fake one that we made up, Labour had reportedly been laughing it’s genitals off. Whatever happens next in this exciting story, Wish It Were True? News promises to keep you up to date with all the breaking news as soon as we finish a three year jail sentence for ‘compulsive lying’.
Prince Charles has been implicated in a disturbing plan that was meant to end the Queen’s life. The Prince was overheard talking to an unknown accomplice, via the telephone, by one of the Queen’s personal maids, whose main job is to clean up the messes made by the corgi’s, and, sigh, yes, Prince Phillip too. Fortunately the maid was carrying a small recording device, known to those in the business as a ‘tape recorder’ and thus we are able to print the whole transcript of the call.
“PC: Yes, yes, I’ve got it all prepared. I’ve filled a bucket with razor blades, bricks, piranha’s, and dynamite. All I’ve got to do now is place it on the door of her bedroom, and when she walks in it’ll fall on her, no doubt killing her instantly. (Pause for about ten seconds) Well, yes, it does seem a bit infantile – but no more than she’s been over the last ten years by refusing to die. (Another 20 second pause). Alright, alright, I promise I won’t sexually interfere with the corpse. Sigh. Alright, got to go now, anyway, as ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is about to start. Bye bye, bye bye.”
The Maid immediately handed the tape recording to the Queen, who is reportedly furious that one of her family was thinking of killing her. Whilst she does not wish for the matter to be handled by the police, she believes her normal punishment of whipping her disobedient children may not be enough this time, and she may be forced to castrate Charles.
BLAIR BABY MAY BE MADE OUT OF STRING
Rumours that the Blair baby is infact just a load of string, tied together to look like a foetus, which was then surgically placed inside Cherie Blair’s stomach, have been doing the rounds at the Houses of Parliament. Suspicious were first aroused when Cherie was seen drinking several litres of strong liquor at a party – behaviour not suitable for a woman who is carrying around another life force in her guts.
She was seen just days later speeding down the M25 on a Kawalski 750 motorcycle, laughing like a complete maniac, without a crash helmet on – clearly without a care in the world. Now one top Doctor, who begged us not to be named, but who was later unable to bribe us enough to withhold such information, Jonathon Harpies, has informed us that he recently was asked to insert string inside Cherie, but refused on the grounds that such an idea was ‘fucking mad.’
Whilst we have no actual proof that this story isn’t just utter shite, you can be sure that we will have an undercover reporter at the birth, who will let us know the shocking truth the moment the ‘child’ pops out of his mothers blood hole.
WOMAN GETS BREASTS AND ARSE REMOVED ON THE NHS.
A 25 year old woman last night had both her breasts and her arse cheeks removed last night, after she claimed she was ‘utterly sick’ of the harassment she received from both men and women.
“Just because I had gorgeous breasts and sweet as a peach buttocks, men and women would make comments about my figure on a hourly, if not minutely, basis. My whole life seemed to be taken up with people saying ‘Phwoar! Nice pair love!” and other sexist taunts. So I spoke to my Doctor who immediately offered to do the operation, as long as he could keep the cut off fleshy bits in a vase at home, which I had no real problem with. Now, finally, I maybe able to live a normal life without people flattering me all the time.” It seems other people may qualify for the operation on the NHS too.
One top doctor, who may or may not be an ex-convict posing as a member of the medical profession, told us “All this time ugly people have been getting plastic surgery to help them live a normal life, but no one ever thought of the beautiful people who suffer on an everyday basis due to their attractiveness. Now, finally, thank God, the balance may be re-addressed.”
NEW MAYOR TURNS OUT TO BE DEVIL WORSHIPPER.
Ken Livingtone, the balding man who was elected mayor of London last Thursday, has shocked the very people who elected him by announcing that he has been a Satanist for over thirty years.
Speaking to us through a hole in a wall in a well know steam room in central London, he informed us of his allegiance with the dark lord. “I first became a Satanist after seeing the classic film The Exorcist – all my life before that point I’d always wanted to be able to spin my head 360 degrees – it’s a great party trick, and I’ve pulled god, ahem, I mean, devil knows how many women thanks to it. So I contacted a couple of well known devil worshippers of the time, including Micheal Foot and Ken Russell, who put me in contact with the dark lord. Ever
When asked why he had finally decided to reveal his shocking past, he told us “Now that I’m mayor I can do anything I like, and no one can stop me. Ha ha ha ha. My first plan is to introduce weekly orgies, dedicated to Satan, in central Soho that are open to the general public, not just MP’s as it currently stands. I also want to make it legal for people to rip off other people’s heads – it only seems fair.” Other mayoral candidates were less than surprised by Livingstone’s announcement. Frank Dobson, through his bitter tears, said: “I’m not surprised that Ken won, especially with the devil’s pr company on his side. At least now I know the real reason why I lost.” Tony Blair, however, was allegedly pleased, telling anyone who would listen to him that he was glad that ‘Ken and him were on the same side after all.”
God was unavailable for comment at the time we published this story.
The Clockwork Monkeys, a relatively unknown indie band, have shocked and surprised the music industry by making it to number one with their first single, despite the fact that they write their own lyrics AND perform their own music. Indeed, one of them even knows how to play the trombone.
Their single ‘Black Summer’ was quietly released last Monday, and despite the lack of Radio One airplay, it sold more copies than Billie’s latest single ‘Would you like to come over my breasts’, which only made it to second place in the hit parade. The single was occasionally played on XFM however, and, somehow, possibly through word of mouth, it has become an enormous hit.
Lead singer of The Clockwork Monkeys, Tom Branson, 23, was equally amazed by the phenomenon. “I didn’t think that anyone was actually interested in decent, original music these days. I thought they just wanted to listen to manufactured bands that sounded a bit like Abba or Boyzone. But ‘Black Summer’ seems to have struck a chord in the bitter hearts of the population of Britain, and, though I’m sure it won’t last more than a week or two before the stupid people go back to buying shit by the spice girls, I’m enjoying every second of being a b-list celebrity.”
However, many are deeply suspicious of the singles success. One music biz insider, who doesn’t actually have a name, told us that he believed that Tom was the illegitimate off-spring of power mad entrepreneur Richard Branson, and that he had bought 200,000 copies of the record. Unfortunately, though, he couldn’t actually legally prove a word of what was ejaculating out of his mouth, so we shouldn’t really publish such nonsense. But how else are we going to fill the page, eh? Eh?
MAN DEDICATES LIFE TRYING TO KILL WORMS AFTER PLAYING 'WORMS' TOO MUCH.
Robert Josset, 29, was last night committed to a mental asylum after he admitted killing over three hundred thousand worms. When asked why he had a pathological hatred of the mud dwelling creatures, he claimed he had been influenced by the Playstation game ‘Worms’ in which players control worms who try to kill each other.
“Sure, some people think that the game’s based on a fictional concept, but I know infact that it’s based on real life – I’ve seen worms going around with cluster bombs, and dynamite, trying to kill each other in real life, and quickly realised that it was only a matter of time before they realised the folly of their ways, and formed an elite army to take out humans instead - so I've dedicated my life to killing them.”
He is expected to remain in the asylum for the rest of his natural life, or perhaps even less than that if electro-shock therapy crazed Doctor’s get their way.
GC(uk) Email/Newsletter Advanced Site Search
 |
| Let Spyonit.com notify you when this page changes! |