‘ALLY MCBEAL STAR NOW AS FAT AS LITTLE PIG’
Once tiny Tv star Calista Flockhart has allegedly gained over three hundred pounds of fatty weight, all in the last week. Reportedly depressed due to all the media attention her skinny arse had been receiving, the star of the hit tv show Ally McBeal began eating on Monday the 17th of April – and has yet to stop.
Claiming that she was tired of the media describing her as ‘skinny as a one day old stick insect’ (Variety), and ‘not only breastless but arseless too’ (USA Today), Ms Flockhart has already eaten food amounting to the size of two or three elephants, big ones at that, and rumours abound that she doesn’t even stop eating ‘whilst taking a shit.’
Despite the warnings of friends of the hollywood starlet, including John Goodman and Vanessa Feltz, Flockhart has thus far refused to stop eating, stating that ‘she doesn’t give a flying fuck if her career goes down the drain – now that she’s started eating evil foodstuff, such as chocolate and crips, she never, ever, wants to stop.”
Top Hollywood Doctors believe that she will die if she fails to stop eating in the next month – though no one has actually told Ms. Flockhart that yet, as they’re all too scared of her now enormous thighs.
"They alone could kill - and god knows what pain her breasts could cause. I just pray no one tries to have sex with her," one terrified doctor told us. Whether or not she dies - you can trust Wish It Were True? News to keep you up to date on this, if we're to be honest, less than interesting story.
SERIAL HORSE KILLER FINALLY CAUGHT
The Serial Horse killer who has been terrorising the nation’s horses (and some ponies) was finally caught last night in a police shoot out that severely injured four ponies, two geese, one cow, as well as the killer.
Police have named the ‘suspect’ as Ken Robbins, an unemployed blacksmith from Honeybourne, Stratford Upon Avon. Robbins has previous convictions for animal abuse, including ‘hamster fighting’ and ‘horse-wanking’ and the police had been watching him for weeks before his capture.
Lieutenant Jon Spencer issued this statement last night: “We were pretty sure that Robbins was the killer, but we needed firm evidence to prove it, the kind of which even we can’t fabricate. But finally, after over seventy horses were cruelly killed with throw away lighters, we caught him in a barn last night, where he was lured in to a trap in which two policeman were dressed as a horse, which looked uncannily like ‘Dobbin’ the horse from the popular kids tv show RentaGhost. Mr Robbins has already admitted his guilt, and is pretty likely to commit suicide tonight, so I wouldn’t even be slightly be surprised if his badly bruised corpse is ‘discovered’ tomorrow morning. Cheers. Bye.”
ASK JEEVES FAILS TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
Top internet search engine ‘Ask Jeeves’ is being sued by the childishly monickered "Johnny ‘Biggy Pants’ Fish" after he discovered that their claim to be able to answer "every single question ever asked, anywhere, anytime, ever, honest," was in fact false.
Speaking to us earlier today, he claimed that he was hideously let down by the internet service. “I’d just bought a new pair of trousers, with pockets, and everything, and I needed to know if they suited me. So I asked Jeeves if my bum looked big in them, but Jeeves failed me, and was unable to answer the question. I was immediately crushed, and then, a little later, very suspicious of the service he claimed to provide, so I asked a few more questions that he was also utterly unable to answer, including: "Do you like my brand new jumper, when will I next have sex, and who is the most famous non-fat person in the world?" After these repeatedly disappointing performances I’ll never use the service, and possibly the internet, again.”
We approached Jeeves at his giant mansion and offered him the chance to give his side of the story, but he had little time to speak to us, simply screaming: “I’m just one bloody butler, and I’m expected to answer over a million enquiries a day AND make sure that this place is clean. I can’t get everything right,” before breaking down and begging us to, “Please help me. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.”
PITT AND ANISTON MARRY THEN DIVORCE IN 48 HOURS
The Hollywood community has been mildly amused by the antics of two of it’s most beautiful stars Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, who married in secret on Monday night but filed for divorce on Wednesday morning. The couple had been dating for over a year before they exchanged wedding vows, and many believed that they would stay for married for months, if not years.
Sadly it was not to be, and whilst Pitt and Aniston have remained tight lipped on the reasons for the split, nearly all of their friends have sold their stories for large sums of money to top national newspapers, giving a variety of different reasons for the splits including ‘Bizarre sexual differences’, ‘Insect racism’, ‘Small horse abuse’, and ‘Elephant Penis-envy’. However, due to financial problems at Wish It Were True? News, we were only able to afford an interview with their dustman, but he claimed to know the real reason why the couple had split. “I went through all their trash last night,” he told us, “and amongst all the foul rotting food, jazz mags and smashed up pregnancy kits, I found a letter from Pitt to Aniston explaining that he somehow, rather strangely, hadn’t noticed until now how ‘irritating, stupid and profoundly annoying' she was. Oh and apparently she wouldn’t give head as she was afraid of damaging her perfect white teeth. I think that’s the real reason why they split up.”
20th Century Fox are already producing a viciously satirical tv-movie about the couple’s disastrous relationship entitled ‘Brad & Jen – Dumb but Beautiful’ starring Stephen Baldwin and, rather bizarrely, Aniston herself.
ATOMIC KITTEN STAYING IN THE PLAYGROUND!
Following the success of 'See Ya (I wouldn't wanna be ya)', Teen popstars Atomic Kitten plan to follow up with 'The one who smelt it, dealt it (The one who ryhmed it, crimed it)’.
A spokeperson for the band said, "We're trying to keep them as youthful as possible while we can. I wouldn't rule out collaborations with Daphne & Celeste of 'Ooh Stick You! Your Momma too and your daddy' fame, and even future appearances on Tweenies!"
Meanwhile, the next video for the liverpudlian popsters is rumoured to have them nicking the toy cars whilst in the nursery.
FATBOY SINGED AT GIG!
Former Housemartin, Acclaimed DJ, and husband of Zoe Ball, Norman Cook was slightly burned but otherwise unscathed at a gig last week, when one of his former housemartin Colleagues Huey, jumped on the stage with a ciggarette lighter and a bottle of parrafin, poured it over all of Cook's equipment, and set the whole lot on fire.
It is believed the attack was a visual expression of sour-grapes on Huey's part, as he is the only Housemartin to have gone on to become infamous, whilst the rest have become famous.
Paul Heaton joined and formed the Beautiful South, Cook became a world renowned DJ, and Stan Collimore broke his leg playing for Leicester, beat up Ulrika Jonsson and set off a fire extinguisher whilst on holiday - sorry, wrong one - Stan Collimore has gone on to become a successful children's book writer. Huey was arrested for Arson and was sentenced for five years.
A spokesperson at the gig said, "When Norman said, 'OK everyone raise your lighters and have them burning in the air, and wave them like you just don't care.' I think someone took his words a bit too far". A full investigation is planned (into Norman Cook's music, not the attack.)
WIWTN EXCLUSIVE! GAZZA TURNS DOWN CHANCE TO APPEAR IN MUSE VIDEO!
In a recent interview, the boys from Muse admitted that they needed a big name to appear in their video 'Muscle Museum' where everyone cries, and they attempted to go for the obvious choice - Gazza.
A spokesperson for Gazza said, "Why do people always keep dredging up his crying from Italia '90? I mean, if it's not his drinking. his bouts of violence, his antics on footballing excursions, his late night partying, his injuries, it's something else that he's about to do." Gazza politely declined Muse's invitation, which was regarded as a first.
DOCTOR'S PERFORM FIRST HEAD TRANSPLANT
Old Man To Live On As A Dog
Doctor’s in South Africa have successfully saved an old man whose heart, lungs, liver and bowels were all failing, by transplanting his head on to a dog. Mr Ronald Gassner, 93, only had hours to live before the operation, but is now expected to last another ten or so years, as long as he eats properly and gets at least one walk a day.
He is reportedly very happy with his strange predicament, telling reporters yesterday “whilst I preferred being Human for the first thirty or so years, it’s all been down hill since. But now that I’m mostly dog, well, I’m sure it’s the beginning of a brand new lease of life. And now I can finally eat dog food without feeling embarrassed, which is nice, too.”
Whilst Surgeon’s in this country have stayed away from Human/Animal transplants, it is expected to become common practice in countries where starvation is an every day problem, as dogs are known to eat a lot less than humans, and they are also well known for not having a problem eating their own sick, which alone could save the lives of millions of hungry Africans.
Dr Luis Amordez, who performed the operation, issued this statement last night: “We have been working on cross breeding humans and animals for years now, hoping to create some sort of superdog who could run really fast but also come first in a hard pub quiz, but were sadly never successful. However, by transplanting dying human heads on to healthy dogs, well, we’ll be able to create this new species within months. Mr Gassner has already mated with a couple of our best female bitches, and we hope that the offspring will be just like him. But even if they’re not, well, I’ll still love them.”
Doctor’s in this country are more sceptical, however, and are waiting to see how Mr Gassner enjoys his new life before recommending that English people have the operation. And some Doctor’s fear that patients may just spend the rest of their lives licking their genitals, which whilst ‘fun’ is also ‘ultimately a rather pointless and puerile way to spend the rest of your life.’ Still, it is just about possible that the operation may be performed in this country in the near fututre, especially if it looks like the Queen Mum’s about to die.
CORONATION STREET TO FINALLY END!
ITV Bosses Admit to Milking Soap Opera To Death
ITV’s flagship programme, Coronation Street, is to come to an end after almost five decades of low quality entertainment. The soap, set in Manchester, has been accused of being ‘out of date’ ‘poorly written’ and ‘lacking any kind of excitement whatsoever’.
Residents of Manchester particularly hate the programme, and complain that it doesn’t portray them ‘taking huge amounts of drugs, having all night sex parties and eating catmeat when the rats run out’ and thus is ‘utterly unrealistic’. All of the resident’s of the city, yes, all of them, were moved to tears of joy last night as ITV bosses announced the end of the show. Producer Bob Cradwick, muttering through his tears, stated that “Corrie just isn’t worth making as the Britain it portrays doesn’t exist any more. And, simply put, we’ve run out of ideas. To be honest, we’ve been recycling the same plotlines to death for years now, and I’m surprised more people haven’t noticed. All the show really is nowadays is a group of rather ugly northerners moaning at each other, and I just can’t be arsed with it anymore.”
There are plans to replace Coronation Street with a new late night soap set in Soho entitled ‘Slappers’ which tells of the lives of girls working as strippers, prostitutes and undercover policewomen. The show is expected to be extremely popular with the male 18-30 age group, whom ITV love the most.
MUTANT CATS ATTACK AND NEARLY KILL WIWTN JOURNO
The spread of attacks by mutant cats has been increasing over the last two months since we reported the story (WIWTN Feb Y2K), with such well known celebrities as Zoe Ball And Michael Caine tragically listed amongst their victims.
Yet until now these vicious killers had not been caught on camera due to their extreme speed and intelligence. But last night WIWTN journo Alex ‘Shite’ Finch was attacked at his home, shockingly whilst he was eating a sandwich. Finch, 25, recently installed CCTV camera’s in his house after several top celebrities had vowed to kill him for making up the nonsense that we print each month.
These camera’s caught the shocking attack in full, though the picture to the right is the only one we can print due to the extreme nastiness of the attack. Many of the other pictures, some of which disgustingly reveal Finch’s half eaten breasts, made staff at WIWTN violently sick. Finch was fortunately saved by armed RSPCA officers who were patrolling the area and heard his girlish screams, and is now recovering (if you can call it that) in Hospital.
Speaking to us last night he told us of his ordeal. “It was terrible. Hideous. I was innocently eating a sandwich, and enjoying life at it’s fullest in general, when three of these so called mutant-cats smashed in my bedroom window and leapt at me. Before I was saved by the RSPCA they managed to eat my hands, nipples AND toes. It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me by far, and that’s saying something. I mean, I don’t know how many times I’ve been anally raped whilst interviewing popular Irish boy bands. But this was far, far worse and I fear that this time I may never really recover completely.”
TV's IAIN LEE VANDALISED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
Unpopular tv presenter Iain Lee, 12, was subjected to a cruel and only slightly amusing attack yesterday in London’s West End.
Lee, voted the most smug and annoying twat ever to present a tv series at the TV Variety Awards last weekend, was interviewing members of the public about the decline and inevitable destruction of Britain, when he was approached by two fourteen year olds, armed only with canisters of red spray paint, and a pernicious glint in their eyes. The two ‘kids’ clearly knew who the terrified Mr Lee was, first shouting abuse and waving their genitals at him, before spraying the words ‘smug shit’ across parts of his neck, and chest areas.
Lee was taken to Homerton Hospital in Hackney where he was pronounced ‘severely irritating’ and ‘perfectly fine apart from a severely damaged ego’. Lee himself has yet to make a comment about the attack, but once beautiful co-host Daisy Donovan expressed her distress at the incident: “If only they’d been a little older,” she told us, “then they might have ripped off his puny head and killed him instantly, and then the show would have become mine, all mine! It’s just not bloody fair.”
Police have warned other tv presenters in the area, including Dom Joly and some bird off of Blue Peter, to avoid all children at all cost. “This time they only used spray paint,” Detective Inspector Jonathon Crapstock told us, “but next time it could be a canister of liquid acid, or even bleach, which would kill a weak celebrity instantly. I’d advise everyone, not just b-list celebs, to run if a child approaches you, to run, run like the wind, and never stop running.”
WOMAN TAKES WARNER BROTHERS TO COURT
Cute Blonde Claims Buffy The Vampire Slayer is Based On Her Life
A twenty two year old American girl/woman is taking the mighty Warner Brothers studio to court, over claims that the hit tv show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is actually based on her own life.
Ms Jennifer Goolgenose, who currently lives in LA, claimed that she used to live in a town called ‘SunnyField’, and was very good friends with a sexy English librarian who taught her how to fight the undead, use magic, and masturbate without feeling guilty. Googlenose has also claimed that she dated a vampire for a while, though they had to break up due to the fact that she didn’t like ‘fucking a corpse.’
However, Warner Brothers have hit back, claiming her story to be ‘tedious, unfunny and absolute nonsense’. Head Exec David Jonter laughed in our faces earlier today. “Vampires, Demons, Headless Chickens who can’t be killed, it’s all a load of bollocks. Clearly all of these creatures only exist in her childishly warped mind, and I hope that after this court case is over, which is will be very quickly, she’ll be given vicious Electro-shock therapy for months on end until she gets arse sane.”
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