The 26 year old mystery of what happened to mad toff Lord Lorcan has been finally solved, thanks to two eagle eyed pensioners who tried to claw him to death when they recognised him.
Lucan, who allegedly killed his babysitter in a fit of what only can be called ‘absolute-fucking-madness,’ was seen emerging from a toilet in London, by two old geezers who recognised him and then went instantly mad, and started running around him, hissing ‘LLLLUUUUCCCAAAANNNNNNN’ (his name) in to his left ear before attempting to claw him to death with their ragged clawlike finger nails. Lucan attempted to hide in the toilet, but only minutes later the police arrived, calmed down the two pensioners who were still attempting to scratch down the toilet door, and instantly arrested the Lord.
The Police are reportedly in a state of some shock, as they never expected him to be caught so easily. “After so long on the run, you’d think Lucan would have been able to cope with two bird like pensioners easily. Instead he ran back in to that toilet like a frightened child with diarrhoea, where minutes later he was easily apprehended by just fifteen of our finest. I just can’t believe it. I mean, just no one ever expected him to fall in to our hands so easily, not after so long. Now we’re actively encouraging other old people, whose sanity is gradually declining, to go out in to the streets and attack other criminals. They should be out their earning their bloody pension after all, instead of just waiting to die at home.”
The question on the world’s foul lips is, of course, where the crapping bloody hell was he all these years? However, the police have been less than helpful in answering this question. “Lucan’s just winding us up at the moment. He claims he’s been presenting a popular daytime tv magazine show, wearing a fake blonde wig and a tissue filled wonderbra, but we’re pretty sure he’s lying. He probably spent the whole time hidden under a bench, or something.”
As soon as we can discover the full story behind these bizarre events, you can be sure we’ll get around, at some point or other, to printing them here.
All Seventy seven thousand members of the public were stunned in to a state scientifically known as ‘absolute quietude’ when two Leicester footballers snogged after scoring in the first half. Matt ‘Missy’ Elliot, one of the most famous bald footballers in the world, deftly headed in a smartly taken corner in the first half of the Worthington cup final, putting Leicester in to the lead.
Elliot celebrated by grabbing Neil Lennon (who last week finally proved that he is not, as reported by The Sun, the bastard love child of John Lennon and Linda McCartney) and forcing his wet, muddy tongue in to the whole of Lennon’s surprised mouth. They passionately snogged for over two minutes before noticing that the whole of Wembley had stopped making any noise – and were all just pointing at the ‘couple’ with a slightly surprised look on their faces.
Leicester boss Martin O’Neil was equally shocked. Speaking to our sports reporter Johnny Oils, he claimed that he had no idea that his players were of any sexual persuasion: “I specifically recruited all of the players on the Leicester team because they were not interested in sex with either children, women or men. Now to find out in such a way that two of my favourite players enjoy swapping fluids with each other, well, I’m just completely shocked. And I’ve had an erection since seeing the kiss that I just don’t seem to be able to subdue, which I don’t like the feel of at all.”
Leicester fans, however, were less surpised. Hard ‘Al’ Johnson, 87, laughed off the whole incident. “Oh come on, young fellow, surely you can’t be surprised. I’ve seen the way Elliot and Lennon have been eyeing each other up all season, and I’m surprised it just stopped at a kiss. In the Nineteen twenties players always celebrated goals by performing fellatio on each other.”
Peter Mandelsohn once again faces being dismissed from the Labour party after he was caught supplying the IRA with a selection of powerful weapons at a car boot sale in Dublin. Paddy O’Connor, a local man who survives in life by selling hilarious clips of people falling over to You’ve Been Framed, noticed Mandelsohn’s arsenal in his car boot and recorded his actions.
He then sent the film to BBC’s Watchdog programme, a show that has nothing to do with Dogs, despite it’s misleading title. Unless you count Anne Robinson, of course. The film was then passed on to the government, who had no choice but to look surprised. When confronted with the evidence, Mandelsohn said it was all a terrible misunderstanding, and claimed that he didn’t realise it was the IRA he was selling the weapons too, despite the fact that many of his customers were wearing balaclavas. “I was just trying to make a bit of money for charity. I thought I was selling the weapons to honest Irish people, who only wanted them as momento’s of the Irish troubles. I was going to give the money to a charity for blind race horses. Or Children with only one leg. One of the two. To be honest, I hadn’t quite made up mind.”
However no one else believes his excuses. William Hague was particularly outspoken, claiming that Mandelsohn “loved Ireland so much, he’d do anything to stay there, including making sure that peace never broke out. Infact I believe he’s responsible for many of the bombings blamed on the IRA. Including ones before he was born. He’s that Mad. Oh yes.”
Our beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair has questionably gone quite mad after making a surprise statement to a Wish It Were True News reporter. Speaking yesterday over a secure line that cannot be tapped by the CIA, reportedly the only phone line in this country that they’re not listening in on, he told our man that the end of the world is still likely to happen.
“I’ve been reading Nostradamus’ prophecies and I’m pretty sure now that he just got the date wrong by just a couple of months. All the signs are present that the end of the world could happen any day now. Possibly Tuesday, infact.” When pressed on what these signs were, Blair coughed a little and then muttered, “Well, he predicted that just before the world is destroyed, McDonald’s would release a new double quarter-pounder, made from the excrement found inside dead horses. And I have it on good authority that the latest burgers are made out of such a substance. But it’s not that alone, oh no. He also said that Ardal O’Hanlon would star in a really terrible sitcom, and that Britain would be ruled by a beautiful genius who was only sexually excited by Pauline Fowler from Eastenders. And both of those prophecies have turned out to be true too. There's just too much evidence for me to ignore this possible threat to us all. I repent my many variously disturbing sins everyday, just incase God decides to kill us all. And….Hang on a minute……Sorry, I’ve got to go. Cherie’s demanding oral sex again.”
A top Harley Street Doctor has confirmed our worries over the Prime Minister’s mental state, stating that “Blair’s recent behaviour fits the profile of a dangerous psychopath, one who may crack at any time and start masterbating on the streets of Britain. And maybe the streets of Wales too. But probably not Scotland, where people do that all the time anyway. Then again, he might just be making it all up so that he has an excuse not to spend the money on the NHS, the homeless, and other good causes.”
Whether the world ends or not, you can trust Wish It Were True News to still report all the top news stories in the Universe today.
“TOPLESS WOMEN MADE ME FRIGID” CLAIMS SLIGHTLY DULL MAN.
John ‘Gaptooth’ Crowley, of Balham, London, is suing The Sun newspaper after claiming that repeated viewing of ladies breasts in the paper has made him frigid.
Speaking yesterday through his letterbox, he told us that: “I used to enjoy looking at women. As long as they had there clothes on, of course. But after reading The Sun every morning for it’s informative and unbiased news reporting, I was also subjected to looking at the nipples and breast flesh of a woman’s chest. And now I’m terrified of them. I mean, some women’s breasts are so pointy, I’m sure there’s a good chance of being blinded if you ever were intimate with them. Now I can’t even look at a woman without questioning whether her breasts may destroy my sight forever. Because of this I may never have sex again. Not that I ever have had it before, but you get the idea.”
The Sun issued an apology immediately, stating that: “We’re very, very sorry. We never even considered the dangerous psychological effect breasts may have on a man. Now that he’s mentioned it, even I can’t look at a woman’s chest without shaking uncontrollably and questioning ‘Am I going to die today because of a nipple?’ From now on we will only publish pictures of women with big baggy jumpers on. And if that doesn’t work, we might make them wear binliners over their heads and bodies on page three. Then, and only then, may the nation’s male population be safe.”
Cilla Black’s popular dating show, Blind Date, has made the news once again.
This, the latest of scandals which began with ‘Prostitute Picked On Cilla’s Show – Dirty Whore Charges Contestant for Sex’ has shocked ITV to it’s very shiny core. The show, recorded last week, turned into an enormous fight after Gerald McGee, 27, chose his ex-wife accidentally. Neither contestant had informed the show that they had been previously married, and somehow failed to recognise each other’s voices during the tedious question and answer section of the show.
When the screen went back, Gerald McGee went in to a mad fit, screaming: “Is this some kind of bloody joke! I came on this show to find love – not to get back with that saggy titted bitch!” This caused Geraldine McGee, 29, to also launch in to a violent rage. Taking out a small rocket launcher that had been concealed in her cleavage, she shouted “I’m never going to spend another minute with you and your minuscule dick ever again!” before randomly shooting missiles around the studio. Fortunately no one was seriously hurt, as Graham tackled Ms. McGee to the floor, groping her breasts in an attempt to arouse her, thus distracting her from her murderous rage.
In a press conference this afternoon Cilla only had this to say: “I’m deeply sorry to every man, woman and child alive. Our show is supposed to be about love, not hate. And I only hope that when the show is broadcast it doesn’t encourage unhappily married people to kill each other with large weapons of mass destruction.”
Dr Alfred James Moonhollow, a world leader in genetically enhanced animal research, was found dead yesterday in his London apartment. His body had been scratched severely, his testicles had been removed from his body, and his eyes were also missing. And it has been reported that Police who found the body, late last night, were violenty sick over his brand new carpet.
Dr. Moonhollow had been growing mutant cats in his apartment, and it is feared that they were responsible for his death, as they were mysteriously missing when police discovered his rotting corpse. A note, scrawled in blood, was also found by the Doctor’s body. It read: “Oh God! What have I done! Giving cat’s eight legs and razor sharp teeth has, for some unknown reason, turned them in to rabid killers. Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have added pirhana DNA. Ah. Yes. That’ll be it……”
The cats have yet to be found, and all of the world’s leaders have called for immediate emergency meetings. A sweat covered Tony Blair made this statement this morning: “The whole of England is in very, very serious danger. Thousands died after the outbreak of mutant geese, but we were able to stop that before it got too serious by creating mutant geese hating ducks. But this time we’re all out of ideas. These cats are vicious killers who can run up to 300 miles an hour, and sometimes even faster if they take cocaine. If you see one, do not approach it unless you have either a flame thrower or a small nuclear missile. We can only pray scientists will come up with something before we too are ripped apart by their clawed feet.”
It is feared that if the cats mate constantly for the next five years they may be able to create a small army that would destroy humanity utterly. Tory party leader William Hague only had this to say: “Oh who cares. I mean, really. Last year it was killer shoes, the year before that killer hairdressers. There’s one of these “scares” every year, and we’re still here, aren’t we. Aren’t we? AREN’T WE? FUCKING ANSWER ME, BOY!”
BBC Sports Commentator fined for ‘overdoing sexual innuendo.’
BBC sports commentator Mick McCracknot was fined over five thousand pounds for overdoing sexual innuendo during football reports, yesterday.
Commentating on an Aston Villa vs. Man United Match, he shocked thousands by making such comments as: “And Dublin’s coming up the the left side of Man U, leaving a nasty stain, he’s shoots, oooh, straight in to the goalkeepers mouth – And he won’t like the taste of Dublin’s shot at all,” and “he’s entered the backpassage, it’s down right dirty play, oooh, he’s coming, right now, right over United’s defence! And he’s scored! He’s fucked the goalkeeper right up the fucking arse! Magnificent Play from the anally able midfielder!”
McCracknot himself was not happy about the fines. “I was just trying to describe what was going on to blind or stupid viewers, and any innuendo was completely accidental. Oh, apart from the comments I made about Paul Scholes. Cause, like, everyone knows he’s a monkey wanker.”
Mad Chinese Chef Poisons 30, Kills 22.
James Chan, 72, was arrested yesterday in a London telephone box after poisoning over thirty of his customers. Mr Chan placed arsenic in the food of other thirty of his customers, which caused 22 of them to die in horrific pain.
Mr Chan was later found in a phone box trying to book a flight to Cuba, though it has been since reported that he was also phoning ‘chicks with dicks’ who had placed adverts in the phonebox. Police are baffled to why he tried to kill so many people. DC Fogee’s issued a statement earlier today that read: “We are completely baffled to why he tried to kill so many people. He seems like such a nice person. Chatty, fun to be with, and by god, is his cock big or what. Probably the biggest I’ve ever seen – and I used to play Rugby.”
His wife, Mrs Julia Chan, 17, gave Wish It Were True News an exclusive interview earlier this morning after we broke in to her house and threatened to shoot her.
“I just don’t know why he did this,” she told us, “he loved cooking, he loved people, and he loved teddy bears. Intimately. Just like everybody else in this world. I can only say that I’m deeply sorry, and that I hope that the fear that people may die won’t stop them coming to our lovely restaurant, The Giant Duck, in Clapham.”
Late last week, a promising young footballer, who does not wish to be named, called Jamie Neophile, was caught red handed shagging some bird who looks like a supermodel down to her rib cage, but Pauline Quirke from there on down.
After much rib tickling with his friends the following day, he made a comment to local paper ‘Slum Weekly’. “Aye, like, you know, all English footballer talk like this you know like, but me met this bird you know at this club aye and after I had had all my drinks like you know she looked nice you know. So I took her back to my friends house you know where I was staying like and we did the business like then next morning you know I kicked her out like. I don’t want my girlfriend to know like you know.”
His girlfriend is known to be as pretty as a picture. A lot like the one done of that funny face that looks as if it is contorted by a storm. Although we managed to trace her, she declined to comment, saying the whole story “Is just complete bullshit. Jamie would never do anything like that.”
However, we did contact one of Jason’s friends, known to his friends as Big Willy, who had this to say. “Jamie has always been one for the ladies. In fact he loves his ladies as much as himself.” Later the following night, Jamie was caught playing with a ball, as his team won 2-1.
ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM TOAST A SUCCESSFUL SERIES
Cricket fans are overjoyed today with the news that the England team has enjoyed a very successful tour, winning their 5 match series 6-0. The Say It Like It Isn't team caught up with England captain Nasser Hussein to ask him how the hell England managed to win a match, never mind a series.
Nasser commented on their success by saying, “The boys pulled together really well, and we stood tall and proud in the middle when it was our turn to bash the around with our bats. There was a real hard effort from the whole team, in particular Mark Butcher who put in a sterling effort in the number two slot”
When questioned about how the team won 6-0 in a five match series, Nasser explained it all for us. “It had been so long since England had won a game” Nasser said, “That our opponents were so pleased when we won the first game, they let us count it as two wins.”
However, the victory became known as less of an achievement when we asked Nasser who England’s opponents were. “South Africa under 16 girls team” came the reply. “We played them at croquet. They didn’t stand a chance.”
The cricket series, however, was a complete disaster, with England losing the series and getting hammered in the process.
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