Fans of the Royal Family, the real one, rather than the tv show, have been surprised by the coming out of the least popular royal, Prince Phillip.
Speaking in Attitude magazine, Phillip stated the following: “Ever since I started watching that programme with all the gays in, I felt a distinct stirring in my loins for the first time in over a decade. And after a few weeks, I realised what was missing in my life – Anal sex. The ‘gay people’ of Britain today are by far the happiest – and I wanted to join that club.” Further on in the interview Phillip explained how the gay lifestyle has made him so very happy: “I go out clubbing most nights, dabble with drugs, and have fulfilling sex with strangers who never bother me again. I don’t know why I didn’t do this years ago.” The Queen is reportedly equally happy, telling a trusted employee, who clearly shouldn’t be trusted any longer, that “Phil has finally stopped trying to fiddle with one’s vaginal area, and just brings young boys home to share the Royal bed. Which is quite enjoyable to watch. No, really.”
The homosexual community were also surprised by Prince Phillip’s revelations, but not unhappy. “It’s about time the Royal Family represented Britain a bit better. Now all we need is jews, blacks, the chinese, and perhaps even the Irish to be introduced in to the family and we’d have a perfectly racially equal monarchy.”
A top NHS report on the state of our health system has lead to some shocking revelations that have already caused seven Doctors to quit and take up professional golf instead.
The report, to be published on Monday, suggests that patients are more likely to die if they are donor card holders. Over 1700 pathetic weaklings were admitted to Hospital with flu over the Christmas period, and whilst only 165 people actually died, all were donor card holders, whereas those who did not wish to donate their degrading body parts were ‘miraculously’ cured within twenty seven minutes.
One patient’s Mother, a Mrs J. Studder, saw her son die after being admitted in to hospital with only a slight cough. Speaking through a tidal wave of tiny tears, she told us that: “He was only coughing a little bit, but when the Doctor found out he was a donor card holder, he started checking his kidneys, lungs and bowels. Then he held a pillow over my son’s head, which he claimed would stop the coughing. But he accidentally killed him instead. But what made it worse was that the Doctor started transplanting his parts immediately, taking one kidney for himself there and then. There was blood everywhere, which I didn’t find that arousing at all.”
The Doctor in question, Alan Kalpowski, claimed that the Mrs Studder was exaggerating the situation. “Her son came in with an incurable cold, and during my attempts to help him, he sadly died. But on the upside, I’ve been able to drink an awful lot more ever since.” An internal investigation will decide whether he should be fired, imprisoned, or, perhaps, promoted.
Jane Clothington, of Dunstable, England, took her head out of a carrier bag for the first time in a decade, yesterday, after meeting a young man over the internet.
Ms Clothington had placed her head inside the bag in January 1990, after being so disgusted with the world that she wished simply never to see it again. Locking herself away inside her parent’s giant mansion, Ms. Clothington has not acknowledged the world in over a decade, until last year when she made two little holes in the bag, so that she could use a computer. She met Clive Johnson on www.hardcorechat.com little over two months ago, and has now finally decided to stop wearing the bag.
Speaking to us exclusively, she told us how “The eighties were so bad a decade that I didn’t want to even risk living in the nineties,” and that “the
But sadly the course of internet love has not run true. After seeing Ms. Clothington over a webcam, Mr Johnson has declared that he never wants to see her again – “She told me she was a brunette with an embarrassing back hair problem,” he told us, “but that’s clearly not true. And she doesn’t have any warts either. Sigh. I guess my search for the perfect woman continues.”
McDonald’s have scrapped plans for their ‘human burger,’ which they spent over five years, and eight billion pounds, developing. A herd of cows which were half human were created in a secret laboratory in Switzerland, and according to a leaked document, the burger tasted like ‘beef, bacon and chicken all mixed together’ and was ‘the most tasty thing that McDonald’s had ever created. Yes, even better than the MegaMac.’
But Government laws introduced last year forbid the selling of human flesh on the market, even if it was mixed with beef. Jack Straw himself was particularly outraged when he first heard of McDonald’s new burger: “It’s just a form of Cannibalism,” he screamed, “and the law clearly states that you’re not allowed to eat humans unless there are no animals, yes, even birds, within five hundred miles of your position. I’m glad McDonald’s have scrapped their evil plans, because if they’d try to sell it through their Uk branches, I’d have given them a right fisting.”
Jonathon J. Haslington, chief of operations at McDonalds UK released this statement last night. “Whilst we regret that the human burger everyone was so looking forward to will never be made, watch out for our new range of Cat, Dog, Hamster and Shit burgers. They’re all really delicious. Honest.”
Callista Flockhart, star of Ally McBeal, the fictional show about kind lawyers, is suing lads magazine ‘MACHO ARSE’ after they awarded her with a ‘World’s Smallest Breasts’ statuette at their annual award ceremony in London.
Expecting to win they world’s most gorgeous bird award, which actually went to Cameron Diaz, she was deeply distressed when she was presented with the smallest breasts award. Screaming and crying like the spoilt child she probably is, she stormed out of the ceremony and immediately contacted her lawyers. They later issued this statement. “Callista was prepared to prove that her breasts were not that small. We measured them earlier, consulted medical records, and now know of people still alive, such as children, with smaller breasts. She is now suing Macho Arse Magazine for eighty million pounds for the emotional distress they have caused her.”
LIVE TV INTERVIEW GOES HAYWIRE AS MAD MOTHER STARTS MOUTHING OFF! PRESENTER MAY BE SCARRED FOR LIFE!
Massive Mum Samantha Malcom Jones, who has had 22 children in the last twenty years, shocked tv presenter Jane Hadley when she began insanely swearing. What was meant to be an interview for the new BBC woman’s magazine show “Bird TV,” about the joy kids bring mothers, swiftly deteriorated in to insanity.
When Ms Hadley asked Mrs Jones about the happiness her kids had brought her, it looked like the fat pregnant pig might explode. Than, like a small child with a dirty gob, she started screaming. The full transcript of her ramblings follow, but be warned, they are the disgusting outpourings of a turd like mind.
“Happiness? Kids? You’ve got to be fucking joking. Oh, sure, it was fucking alright in the early Seventies where you were shitting well allowed to bloody hit the cunts if they put a single fucking step out of line. Little Kenny spent most of his puberty quite happily in hospital. But nowadays kids fucking sue if you give them one little shitting beating. And they just want everything in the whole fucking world. Toys, computers, condoms, massive fucking dildos with two prongs, I just mean everything. I just wish I’d never had any of them – and that I’d realised this twenty years ago. As far as I’m concerned, they can all go to fucking hell. And if they don’t, I might kill them all.”
Ms Hadley was deeply upset by the torrent of dirty words, and now believes she may never work ever again. “I’ve been deeply psychologically scarred by this incident,” she told us, “ and I may never recover. Now go away you lecherous cunt.”
Mrs Jones has refused to talk to us since the incident, though neighbours and relatives weren’t surprised about her disgraceful actions. “She’s been on the brink of madness since she gave birth to the fifteenth kid. I’m just surprised she had another five before going mad,” Mrs Parker, a slutty neighbour, told us yesterday.
Government ministers call for an investigation.
A young woman in her late teens was yesterday admitted to St. Bartholomew’s Hospital for Stupid Television Related Mental Diseases after becoming addicted to the top tv quiz ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’. The woman, Susanna June Blipping, phoned the quiz’s contestant phone line over 5000 times, building up a phone bill of, um, well, over five thousand pounds anyway. Speaking from her padded cell yesterday she claimed “I need that fucking money. I needed it to get away from my boyfriend, my family, my pet hamster Giles, oh, and this bloody country too. I’ve always fancied living in Mexico. Though that vampire film with George Clooney in it put me off a bit.”
But what is even more shocking is the fact that she only managed to get three questions right out of the five thousand asked. But when we started taking the piss out of her, surprisingly she got quite angry, shouting: “Okay, so I’m a thick stupid bint, but surely everyone deserves a chance at happiness. And I saw happiness in Chris Tarrant’s gorgeous eyes. And evil. But mainly happiness.”
Government ministers, including the drug crazed Mow Mowlam, called for an immediate investigation in to the programme, and Tarrant himself. Speaking yesterday from a café in Amsterdam, Mowlam mumbled “Anyone could become addicted to Chris Tarrant – he’s a smug danger to the public’s health. I’m pretty sure that Tony’s going to expel him from this country anytime now. Let’s hope so. Anyway, come on, it’s your turn to skin up.”
MAD ROYAL MUM CLAIMS SHE SAW GHOST OF HENRY THE EIGHTH.
Police have been advising people to be on their guards after reports that the Queen Mum is becoming increasingly unstable. Over the last few months her sanity has slowly deteriorated, and she was often seen by tourists on the roof of Buckingham Palace – Stark bollock naked except for one of her stupid big hats! But now she even her most loyal servants fear her.
Bob Huton, the Queen Mum’s personal shoe shiner, spoke to us through a hedge, earlier today. “Someone has to tell the world of the danger she poses – And that person, I guess, is me. Last night she thought she saw the ghost of Henry the Eighth, and got into a right old argument with him. She was screaming like a mad fucking goose, or duck, or something. And it ended up with her shooting him, and almost hitting Will’s in the teeth. Fortunately his bodyguard got his Chest in the way, or Will’s mouth might have been ruined. Forever. . Quite a few of the other staff think it’s only a matter of time before she takes her personal tank out on to the streets of London and starts killing anyone. OR EVEN EVERYONE!”
Prince William’s Bodyguard is currently fighting for his life in a top London Hospital. If he dies Lawyers say that the Queen Mother could be charged with manslaughter, and that they certainly hoped so.
Postmodernists the world over were left with a slightly bemused grin on their faces, last night, after a small child, Kenny McCramknock, was killed twice in scenes which could have come right out of an episode of the top rated cartoon South Park.
But what really made them laugh was the fact that the incident happened in South Park, England! South Park in England is a tiny shite village on the edge of Reigate, in Surrey, where nothing eventful has ever happened until now. Well, I mean Yesterday. One witness to the child’s death, a Miss Amanda Foxinch, couldn’t stop rolling around the ground in laughter, until we kicked her a bit. She later said “I’m sorry for laughing, but it was just so funny. First this kid was hit by a car, and there was blood everywhere, and some bloke gave him mouth to mouth, and started screaming “he’s alive, he’s alive! I think he’s started breathing again!” when they were both run over, and sliced to pieces, by an out of control combine harvester. I didn’t think things like that really happened in real life. But I’m glad they do.”
The child’s parents could not be reached as this story went to press, as they’ve taken the phone off the hook and aren’t answering the door, but the low sound of chuckling could distinctly be heard through their letterbox. More news on this story soon.
DEATHS IN CUSTODY DOWN 70% SINCE IT’S INTRODUCTION
Police in London were forced to announce that they were all cannabis addicts, after an official government document was leaked to “The Bollocks Arse Truth” website, yesterday.
Police Chief Dave ‘the dinosaur’ Jenkins issued this press statement just hours after the story appeared on the website, stating that “The police force obviously had a problem with excessive violence. Deaths in custody were a common occurrence, many of which were blamed on small dogs who could not defend themselves in a court of law, and were put down without a trial. After intense research we discovered that cannabis users were the least violent section of the population, and so joints were issued to all police officers as they started a shift, during lunch, and whenever they were feeling particularly violent. Which was quite often, as you may imagine. But the results speak for themselves. Deaths in custody are down, black people are arrested far less often, and certainly the homosexual community has a lot less to fear than they used to. And drug dealers seem a lot happier than they used to too. Infact the whole world just seems a little cheerier these days."
"Now Tony Blair has to take notice and decriminalise this wonderful drug. Oh, and heroine too, which my wife rather likes.”
PAUL SCHOLES ARRESTED, AND FIRED FROM MAN UNITED, AFTER ‘MONKEY ABUSE’
Paul Scholes, the only ginger haired footballer in the world, ever, has been fired from Man U. after getting caught abusing a monkey. The monkey, aged only seven months, was seen leaving Scholes’ room in Brazil at 6am in the morning, partly shaved and obviously in some pain.
After examining footage from a camera hidden in the players’ bathroom, police were violently sick, and arrested Scholes immediately. Man United fired him later that day, wishing to disassociate themselves with Monkey abusers after all the problems they had with Eric Cantona. Experts predict that if he is found guilty, he may never be released from Prison.
What exactly took place between Scholes and the monkey is unknown, but the full details are expected to be announced in the court case later this month.
Customs officers at Gatwick Airport, England, were surprised to find 15 hamsters in a woman’s bra, last Saturday night. Cate Fox, 19, claimed she had no idea how the small furry hamsters had got there, but that she had noticed that her breasts had felt ‘stranger than usual’.
On further inspection the officers discovered a third nipple, a disturbingly hairy back, and also that each of the hamsters had swallowed tiny condoms, all filled with heroine. Ms Fox denied any knowledge of the drug, claiming she’d never heard of it, and that the only drug she’d ever taken was speed, during her years at primary school. She has been detained for questioning, but Police believe her to be innocent of the crime – mainly due to her immense stupidity.
“I’m pretty sure she’s been set up,” said Police Chief John Gobson, “possibly by a group of super hamsters planning on taking over the world by drugging all humans.”
BOY SUES OWN MOTHER AFTER SHE CATCHES HIM MASTERBATING.
Fifteen year old James Blake, of Luton, England, is taking his own mother to court, claiming that she kept on trying to catch him masterbating.
“It’s almost like she had a wank detector in her head or something, because every time I even started touching myself, she’d appear at the door with a sly grin on her face,” he said, in a press conference on Sunday. Lawyers for Mrs Blake claimed that she was just checking that her sons’ sexual organs were in working order, and that she was doing nothing wrong.
According to an internet webpoll, the rest of the world is reported to feel mildly sick and disturbed by the whole thing.
MAN WHO CLAIMED ‘CHRIS EVANS STOLE MY IMAGE’ SENT TO MENTAL ASYLUM.
Crazer fucker Rob Statham, 28, was committed to a mental asylum last week after attempting to sue Chris Evans.
After claiming in court that Evans had stolen his haircut, cheeky sense of humour, and idea for TFI Friday, the Judge simply laughed at him, and, allegedly, said: “But you’re a thirty stone builder with no hair, talent or anything? And you think Evans is copying you? Now he’s clearly copying Letterman, Leno and any other mildly successful American chat show host, but not you, you fat fucker. Sigh. I have no choice but to send you to a mental asylum. Forever. Ha ha ha ah ahhah aahaaha.”
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