Sources close to Santa revealed that he was doing a test run around the world, a few days before Christmas Eve, and failed to return home in the morning. Mrs Santa contacted the local police, and after several days one of the janitors at London’s Victoria Station found the body speared to a column which was holding up the whole of Victoria Station on it’s own. Police suspect that he had been kidnapped thirty six hours before, tortured severely, before being killed and placed on the column at the train station when nobody was looking.
President Clinton was the first world leader to make it on to tv, mainly as he forces a camera crew to follow him around at gunpoint. He informed the world of Santa’s death, cried a little,
Tony Blair quickly followed on to national tv, just five minutes after Clinton, after breaking in to the This Morning With Richard and Judy studio’s, and forcing them to broadcast him live. He too cried, rambled and said little of interest.
Mrs Christmas is reportedly devestated. Overheard yesterday by an undercover reporter disguised as a Christmas Tree, she is reported to have said: “Oooooh! Yessss! Just there! Ah! Rudolph! That’s the spot! Fuck Me with those antlers now!”
Police have no suspects, and, frankly, no idea who would want to commit such a hideous crime. PC Matt Greiger, who couldn’t stop sobbing through the press conference he gave yesterday, said: “I just don’t get it. Who could torture an old man to death, shit on him and….and….Remove his genitals with their teeth. And then spear him to a column in a train station….Christ….What a fucking terrible way to go. Y'know, I hope I die in my sleep, personally.”
All eight reindeers are currently missing, presumed dead. And eaten.
Top Pop Star George Micheal shocked his legion of gay fans yesterday, who single handedly stopped his career from being over and Micheal having to be a dustbin man, or something, when he revealed, in a Unisex toilet in London, that he was not gay at all.
Speaking to one of our undercover reporters, Katie Kate Smalley, he revealed not only his genitals for the young lady ‘to suck on’ but also that he was not gay, never had been gay, and that the site of a hairy arse still turns his stomach. Micheal, slurring his words like a drunken politician, muttered “Look, it was a setup all along. My record sales were declining hideously, and one day my record company called me in to the office and informed me that I either had to start a relationship with Geri Halliwell, or become a homosexual. And it was the easiest choice in the world, I can tell you. We all know that Evans was faced with the same choice, and tried out both lifestyles, before becoming a smug celibate wanker. Now I think it’s only fair that I get that choice too. Especially now that Geri’s not such a fat old ginger boiler!”
How his next single “Sorry love, you’re just not my type” will do is of little interest to anyone, anywhere.
THE ROLLING STONES FINALLY SPLIT
Mick Jagger announced the end of the Rolling Stones in a press conference given in South Yorkshire, England, yesterday. With his lips on top form, he moaned about the state of the world for, ooh, at least half an hour before announcing the end of the Stones.
“We’ve just done too many drugs, gigs, men and women, and it’s just got all too much. There’s numbness in nearly all my limbs, bar my lips which, as everyone suspects, are incredibly hypersensitive. If I was ever stung on them by a small bee, or bitten by a badger, then the pain might kill me. And with all the performing live I do, it could happen any time, and it’s a risk I no longer want to take. I no longer feel the urge to leave ‘a fantastically gorgeous corpse.’ I want to retire and try and regain my sanity. I mean, recently, I don’t even know what year it is. Last week I thought it was 1975, on Tuesday 2009, and on Friday I fought in the American Civil War…….”
BBC GIVES IN TO MASSIVE PRESSURE TO BRING BACK ELDORADO
The BBC, now desperate to be noticed in a world of far superior television channels, announced their plans to bring back their Spanish set wank opera ‘Eldorado’.
A BBC executive, who cannot be named, as he didn’t tell us his name, told us: “This time it simply can’t go wrong. For the last couple of years we’ve been intensively training all the original cast, and now they are all super-actors like Anthony Hopkins, and some of the Baldwin brothers. They’ve all grown beards too. People like beards. We’re not taking such a risk with the show either – it’ll be a lot cheaper as we’re filming on the set of ‘Last of the Summer Wine’ and adding the sun and naked women by computer.”
When asked if there really was a need for another patronising soap that attempts to tell us how we should live our lives, the man simply replied: “Well, that’s obvious innit. It’s not like we’re interested in doing anything even slightly innovative nowadays. We’re all too fucked up on our own sense of self importance. And cocaine.”
SKY’S NEW UNCOVERED SHOW BANNED BEFORE ITS EVEN SEEN
Sky One’s new show, Soho Uncovered, has been banned before it has even been seen on British television. The show, filmed by hidden cameras around the London borough, is deemed so shocking, so offensive, and so embarrassing, that it has been banned by the Government.
An MP who has asked not to be named, but we can’t remember his name anyway, suggested, subtly, that far too many famous people had been implicated in a huge range of crimes, and that half the entertainment business would be imprisoned if it was ever shown, with little hope of parole.”
The only footage recorded that will be shown is of William Hague having his nipples sucked by a prostitute, and that can be seen on ‘After They Were Famous’ later this year.
John Prescott’s christmas card, delivered by hand by an unpaid seven year old orphan, has caused outrage throughout the country.
Sent to his friends, colleagues, associates and names picked randomly out of the phone book, the card, as can be seen on the left, features a cute lovely little teddy bear, but, if you look at it with your eyes open, like one of those magic eye things, the message ‘I Will Kill You All’ can be clearly seen. Several elderly pensioners who received the card are all in comas, and one pregnant woman put her back out quite badly whilst, after having read the card, she screamed uncontrollably.
Prescott has been quick to point out that it was supposed to be a joke, but police are already investigating all unsolved murders to see if he can be implicated in any of them.
The Queen will be giving her Christmas speech from behind bars this year, after a severe case of road rage escalated to murder.
The Queen was being chauffeured around by, um, her chauffeur, when they got caught in traffic on the A217. After being cut up again and again, the Queen lost it, and ordered her driver to follow a blue fiesta until it arrived at it’s destination. The fiesta, owned by the deceased, a Miss Caroline Sturgeon, was driven home to it’s doom unknowingly. When Miss Sturgeon arrived home, the Queen leapt out of her limousine screaming like a mad senile old woman, and started punching at the windows.
Sturgeon, too frightened to get out, locked the doors and quivered on the car back seat like a small hamster. After failing to punch out the windows, the Queen then took out a bottle of petrol from the boot of her limo and proceeded to pour it all over Miss Sturgeon’s car. Before lighting it, witnesses heard her screaming “This teach you, you fucking little cow!” before throwing a lit match on to the cars bonnet and laughing madly. She then dashed
The Queen was later arrested in a Soho strip bar, by police looking for other members of the Royal family. More news on this shocking story as it happens.
Hooliganism is again on the rise in this country, and the Germans are more hated than ever, it was revealed yesterday, after over one hundred and eighty people were killed in horrific violence following England winning the Tiddly Winks world cup.
The match, which went to extra time, was one by Chris Jones, who celebrated by screaming “We’ve won! We’ve won! We’ve won the world cup. Now let’s teach those foreign bastards a real lesson.” He then revealed an automatic machine gun, hidden in his automatic machine gun case, and began shooting at random. Due to his idiocy however, he killed more French people then German. Or maybe that was the whole idea all along. Anyway, the violence escalated outside the grounds, and hundreds were taken to Hospital before being left in a corridor to die. Police were slow to move in, fearing ‘pain, death and semen’ and few were arrested.
Tony Blair, however, believes that this is a one off freak occurrence, and that violence of this type would never take place between football fans. Our hopeless bid to hold the 2006 football world cup will continue.
A shocking document which was placed in the hands of our undercover reporter Harry Fogee's, of 45 Drainington Road, Bournemouth, has amazed, yes, I know, but hey, there's little I can do about it, the world. Sigh. Yesterday.
Written in Tony Blair's childish handwriting, which was at least joint up this time, the document revealed that as no one was going to start a war that Britian could get involved with in the next few years, the population was gradually becoming more and more violent with each other as: 'we have no one group of foreigners to focus our hate on'. And soon, it was revealed, huge groups of 'Surry-ites' dressed in smart casual wear, may declare war on all the other home counties. Blair even included several badly drawn pictures of the 'Surrey-ite yob' all of which looked a bit like Popeye. Speaking yesterday after we bumped in to him outside the local video shop, Blair claimed that: "Civil war is just around the corner. And when it starts I know which side I'm going to be on. The one with the biggest cocks."
At this point we were bundled in to a car, told at gunpoint not to publish anything about these events, and thrown in to the Thames.
Top teenage singer Britney Spears has announced plans to perform at least two songs a night naked on her next world tour.
Tired of thousands of internet porn sites making money from her naked body whilst she made none, she plans to charge over a hundred pounds a ticket, simply for a view of her flabby arse and breasts. Children will be allowed entry to the concert, but will be made to wear blindfolds as soon as she starts taking her socks off – the sign that she’s about to go starkers. Whilst many have applauded her for not caring about the potential mess that may be made in the convert halls, other have been more shocked.
Tim Campbell, a parent of over nine children, said: “What is this woman telling our children? That the human body is a beautiful natural thing that should be celebrated? That you shouldn’t be ashamed of your body? She should have the shit beaten out of her before being locked up. Forever.”
And it's been reported that suspicious cynical types who believe it's only an attempt to try and get Britney in every paper, magazine and internet site have been attacked in public.Not that any one really minds. Anyway, the tickets will go on sale on Saturday 1st January 2000, and is expected to sell out in, oh, I don’t know…...Half a second?
Ego-drunk James Cameron, director of The Terminator, Piranha, and Titanic, announced yesterday from his bedroom window that he intended to remake Titanic.
WIWTN journalist Frank Clay was conveniently passing the directors house when he heard him howling at the top of his voice. He’s reported to have stated that he knew all along how historically inaccurate it was, that DiCaprio was quite cute but a shit actor, that Winslett should have spent more of the film naked, and, finally, that the film was at least ninety minutes too long.
The new version, being shot 58,275 leagues under the sea, will be released in 2002 under the title ‘THE REAL TITANIC FILM, NOT THAT OTHER ONE’ and may well be just as successful as the first film.
Fran Healey, lead singer with top indie band ‘Travis’, named, as everyone knows, after psycho taxi driver Travis Bickle, 55, have announced details about their new album.
Fran Healey, positively buzzing at a press conference earlier this morning, screamed, sang and shouted details of the new album. “It’s going to be brilliant! A mix of our really dull ballads and our Oasis-lite pop songs! Surely with this sort of quality, it should sell millions. But we’re not leaving it to chance, oh no. We fully believe that the last album only sold so many copies because it was named after the novel by Oliver Sachs, “The Man Who” and people thought they were buying a spoken word version of the novel. So our next album is going to be called “The Dictionary” and then surely everyone will buy it. ‘Cause, like, nearly everyone owns a copy of that, and would love to have a version of it on CD. It just can’t fail! Oh, and by the way, before I leave, I thought I’d better just say that I’ve suddenly remembered why it always rains on me. I can’t believe I was being so stupid. It’s cause I live in Scotland, innit!”
Fans across the world with limited mental capacity are eagerly awaiting the album, due for release soon.
HUSSEIN LAUNCHES ‘SAD-CAM’ ON THE WEB
Tyrant and baby killer Saddam ‘Paul’ Hussein has announced plans to launch his own webcam, which will film the maniac 24 hours a day.
As our translator is off sick today we’re not quite sure what he said, but it was something along the lines of : “Now people will see me doing other things that killing innocents and raping countries, like walking my dogs, and picking flowers in my beautiful gardens. Plus if you tune in at 7pm every evening, you can watch me having a wank.”
Hussein intends to charge around five quid a month for access to the site and promises that the money from it will definitely not be used for building chemical weapons which will eventually destroy the world.
A new government report, costing well over the national debt of America, will astound, shock, and pleasantly surprise many people around the world, later today when it will be published.
Detailing why crime has increased by well over a million percent, probably in the last twenty four hours, the report summarised that: “Today’s criminals are given a huge amount of help by watching tv cop shows, especially The Bill. It shows how stupid the Police are, and how they often make terrible mistakes, which gives criminals loopholes to escape justice. It is basically a guide for criminals to make money immorally. And it’s also quite badly acted.”
Blair, with his hairy chest proudly on display, claimed that “all tv cop shows must change! The criminal should be seen committing the crime and then being caught instantly. Just like in real life, infact. Then there’d be no crime, and our whole country wouldn’t be able to stop smiling. Constantly.”
Normally suave and sophisticated game show host Richard Whitely shocked the audience of top C4 game show ‘Countdown’ when he announced how much pleasure the thought of having Carol anally brought him.
After a letters game in which a contestant gave the six letter word ‘Anally’ as his answer, Richard couldn’t help smiling to himself, and then, completely deadpan, he admitted “I’d like to take you anally, Carol. Right up the arrrsssseee. I’d fucking love to.” Vorderman simply laughed, well used to Whitely’s lecherous ways, but his astounding statement caused five elderly women in the audience to die in shock.
Their families are considering suing Whitely, the makers of Countdown, the Government, and even possibly us.
Colin Montgomery Jones, 28, died yesterday in a London hospital after collapsing in a donut shop yesterday, weighing just over three hundred pounds.
Jones, a huge fan of The Simpsons, had been suffering with depression, and mood swings, for the last five years. Just like most of the population infact. In a desperate attempt to liven up his life, Jones embarked on an eating and drinking binge in an attempt to be just like his idol, Homer Simpson, who many may be surprised to find isn’t real at all, and is simply a crudely drawn character from a top rated American cartoon series. Drinking up to and possibly over fifteen pints a night, eating anything which seemed, or looked, edible, and having no care for personal hygiene is said to have destroyed Jones’ body in just under twenty one days.
His wife, Lara Griffiths, a reformed alcoholic, has now become a nun and taken a vow of silence, but phoned us yesterday just to say "I just thought you might like to know that I'm glad he's dead, very glad indeed. Shit! Gotta go, the mother Superior's coming."
Jones himself also had no regrets. Speaking just before he died, he said: “Homer Simpson is the happiest man alive, and for three brief, beautiful weeks, so was I. Sure, all my friends left me, saying I’d turned into a selfish fucking pig, but hey, you have to take the up’s with the ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh! My heart!! Nurse!!! Nuuuuuuurrrrrrssssssss…….”
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