BBC TO SHOW 'THROUGH THE KEYHOLE' HORROR!
Disgraced Tory Jeffrey Archer, possibly now the most famous liar in the world......ever, was hit with further depressing news today when the BBC announced it would show an episode of 'Through The Keyhole' starring Archer (and his home) filmed in 1994.
The BBC, with a dark smile on their faces, issued this press statement. "The BBC filmed an episode of Through the Keyhole, starring Jeffrey Archer, in late 1994, but it was at that time deemed unbroadcastable. There was fucking hard core porn everywhere, and bundles of cash lying on tables, clearly marked with the names of world famous politicians. And Popes. It was not only that though. I mean, we did have George Best on the programme. What really shocked us at the time was that the bedroom walls were covered in a mixture of blood and semen, a disturbing torture chamber was found in the basement, three 'young' ladies couldn't really explain what they were doing naked in a wardrobe, and at least two skulls could be seen protruding from Archer's vegetable patch. This clearly wasn't suitable material for our elderly viewers who love the program so much. But most of them have died since ninety-four, and the ones that haven't can't see very well anyway."
How Archer will react to this latest 'blow' to his political, personal and financial life is anyone's guess. But, seriously, does anyone really care anymore?
The Labour Party in Britain have been, well, less than pleasantly surprised, by the announcement by Tony Blair today that he is not the father of Cherie Blair's (his wife) unborn foetus. Blair, only wearing a long dressing gown and a monocle, gave a press conference at 11am this morning.
Blair, Britain's most popular Prime Minister since Pitt the Elder, spoke in a quiet, calm, prozac induced voice, and only spoke for a few minutes. He said "I have announced this Press Conference for a very special reason. I don't want Britain to be destroyed, utterly, by rumours and gossip about the Father of.....Cherie's child. So, I must tell you now. It's Peter Mandelsohn. And before you say anything, yes, yes, I know. But it was all my idea. I not only want Mandelsohn in my Government, but in my family as well. So we artificially inseminated Cherie one day, when she was unpacking the shopping and wasn't looking, and hey presto, there you go, one instant perfect child, without any of the hideous effort of fornication. I'm sure that my new creation, the super child, will make Britain unstoppable in the years to come, and one day, one day my friends, we will rule the world once again. Thank you, and good night."
Most of the world's leaders have been left confused, and a little disturbed, by Blair's comments today, but will await the birth of the child before making any permanent decision about what to do with our bizarre leader.
WIWTN journo Alex William 'tiresome' Finch has recently made claims he is psychic, something most people ignored until we ran out of stuff to fill this page with.
Finch, 25, though looking older by the day, had this to say: "I'm Psychic! It's true! Just days after making up that crap about Children not saying the funniest things - Micheal Barrymore premieres his new ITV show and proved me 100% right. And just one week after I wrote the epic piece 'Showbiz Shocker! Ryder Marries Evans in 'Discreet' Ceremony" Evans started dating hideous pop star Geri Ex of the Spice Girls. Sure, I got a few details wrong, but there are more similarities between Ryder and Halliwell than a lot of people know about. Oh yes."
In a surprise continuation to a story surely well past its sell by date already, Top 60's soul funkster James 'Jimmy Jim Jim' Brown's pringle infatuation has reached new terrifying level.
Not only can the singer no longer perform sexually without the use of a Pringles tube or two, he has now taken in to singing in to the tubes during live perofrmances, which he claims improves not only the quality, but the 'crispness' of his performance.
Several top comedians,including Eddie Izzard and Vic Reeves, shot themselves, after falling in to a terrible state of depression after Brown made that 'pun', yestereday.
A New poll in top men's magazine MachoArse reveals that Men don't want children that much at all, siting them as 'annoying, noisey and into really bad manufactured boy and girl bands.'
Over two million men replied to the poll in the magazine, and the only reasons they gave for wanting children were: 'So they can shag the teenage babysitter' (75%) ' Extra money from the Government' (15%) and 'Comedy value' (10%). Women around the world were briefly shocked, and then angry, and a bit later a little more passive. Then sleepy, and a bit hungry.
Tony Blair denounced the poll 'as a load of old rubbish' but the majority of the rest of the House of Commons looked a bit sly, and refused to comment.
Showbiz stars the world over, including Dolly Parton AND top Aussie soap star 'Libby from Neighbours' were shocked when Evans announced his marriage to former 'Black Grape' frontman, Shaun Ryder, on his averagely rated morning radio show.
The Ginger millionairre claimed that whilst 'absolutely mashed on a combination of Cocaine, Ecstacy, Heroine and Pro Plus, Shaun and I married in a discreet ceremony, in Amsterdam, possibly yesterday, but it may have been the day before.' Desperate to improve falling tv ratings, his marriage to Ryder has already been called 'a showbiz sham' by homeless people.
Ryder, barely able to talk, mumbled something about 'the wife not minding' and 'that this new direction should inspire me to write new exciting music, the like of which has never been seen before.'
Bez has been paid over twenty seven million to play the marracas on the album. And is promised seventeen and a half more if he can learn the triangle in the next six or so months.
In unrelated news, John Leslie announced today that he planned to marry Chris Eubanks, stating "Zeta Jones know's nothing about sex compared to him.
The 18.597% of British people who give a toss about the Royal Family were put into a permanent, yes, I said permanent, state of shock, yesterday, when it was revealed on TV's Kilroy that Prince Charles has fornicated with a soho prostitute who looks shockingly like our beloved Princess Di.
The whore appeared on the popular BBC talk show and produced photo's, taken with a camera hidden in her fingernail, of the Prince naked, and clearly in a state of excitement. That should have been enough to rock the royals to their hideous core, but only thirty seven minutes later, Wills, the only remotely popular Royal left, announced his horror at his father's actions, and his plans to leave Britain and take up a role in Australia's artistically retarted soap opera, Neighbours. He plans to take over the role of Billy Kennedy, as actor Rocko Dringo is leaving the show to spend more time with his family, which includes thirteen whales. "Being in Neighbours is the best thing that's ever happened to me," the prince shreiked, last night, "and I've cum in Tara Palmer Tompkinson's mouth!"
When asked if this was the most offensive story WIWTN had ever published just to get people to notice the site, the editor of the webpage only had this to say: "Yes. Yes it is."
Top scientists yesterday announced that after years of research, the phrase 'Don't children say the funniest things' is completely inaccurate.
Dr Richard Norrisington, of a top Cambridge research laboratory, was particuarly outspoken. "It's complete nonsense. I mean how many top stand up comedians on the circuit are under the age of eight? Hardly any at all, and I suspect the ones that are, are really midgets pretending. And when has a child written a top sitcom or a Hollywood romantic comedy? Never. The fuckers are infact useless."
"Their 'comedy sayings' are infact due to a lack of education and understanding of the real world and until they grow up a bit, I'm not laughing, oh no, I'm not laughing at all."
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