Top scientists, anthropologists, animal doctors, and, to a lesser extent, sociologists, have raised concerns that Tim Burton’s forthcoming remake of The Planet Of The Apes movie, “The Visitor”, is likely to cause an extreme increase in the number of Ape related murders.
American scientist Dr Jerry Mishalle, 56, the spokesperson for the concerned group, spoke to WIWTN earlier today. When asked about any vaguely believable evidence he had to confirm his beliefs, he told us: “When the first movie was released, way back in 1968, the number of Ape murders increased horrifically. It went from something like 2 ape murders a day to well over a hundred. Police reports from that time tell us that many of the more stupid, or Southern, American’s rushed out to kill as many apes per hour as possible, so that the future predicted in the film would not ever come true. Thus in today’s extremely violent post-modern society where even adverts about tampons have driven people to kill, a full length movie about the destruction of humanity is likely to cause extreme panic, and may even result in the extinction of all monkey type beings. Which of course would be Which of course would be terrible, and after all, whose to say that super intelligent horses or cows would be any less cruel to the surviving humans?”
Director Tim Burton has yet to respond to the claims that his movie may directly lead to the death of monkey’s or apes, but distributor Warner Brothers informed us that they considered the claims of Dr Mishalle and his assorted cohorts were “the stuff and nonsense of drug addled lunatics” and that “they were sure that no creatures would be harmed as a result of people watching this movie. Bar hamsters, maybe, but you’ll have to wait until you see the movie to understand all about that.”
“Anal Japes” the controversial comedy sketch show written, performed and filmed by the inmates of Rodgemoor Prison in Lancashire is to make it’s televisual debut next month on the Sky’s premier entertainment channel, Sky One.
Contention has surrounded the programme ever since a half hour promo was leaked to one of the country’s leading comedy websites, where much of the material was considered ‘at the very least morally dubious’, and that ‘a sketch about a man going slowly mad in the company of imaginary rabid horses didn’t make any sense, any sense at all.’
But according to Prison Governor Steve Haterly, inmates at the prison had been performing comedic plays and sketches for tens of years to relieve the nightmarish boredom of having nothing to do all day, and “that it was about time the lazy fuckers moved in to the 21st century and recorded their efforts for everyone else to see. Just because they’ve committed a crime it doesn’t mean that they don’t have a voice that should be heard, even if that voice does sound like the combined noise of ten drunk old men being sick.”
Sky have responded to criticism of their showing of the programme by claiming that “it’s all E4’s fault, they’ve stolen our best shows, and until we get them back we’re just going to fill our channels with utter shit. So there.”
The shocking footage of several pairs of ladies breasts on the hit holiday show ‘Escape to the Sun’ at approximately 8:42 on Friday night has caused at least eight old men to die of shock, and experts fear that that number may still rise as nine other’s are still in intensive care unit’s around the country.
The BBC has apologised unreservedly for the accident, claiming that an employee responsible for censoring all nudity at the BBC had gone temporarily insane and failed to notice the un-shocking nudity found within the programme, but were very, very, very sorry for any distress caused.
However, widow June Clacton, who lost her husband to the beeb’s boob boob, has yet to accept the apology. “When he saw the first pair he looked shocked, but when the next one appeared, which were much
In a story so tediously unreliable that normally we’d rather drink animal vomit than report on it, but it’s been a slow news month, so what are you going to do, a crazy old man recently approached our chief reporter in a London urine facility, claiming to be a manager of a top boyband, and began rambling incoherently about Robbie Williams’ being of robot construction.
Slurring his word’s like a small child on metholated spirits, he went on to state that all pop stars were infact state constructed androids, made so that the general public would waste it’s time listening to music rather than being concerned with the state of the planet. “All I’ve heard everyone talking about all week is that Darius from Popstars rather than the terrible economic state the world is in, but if they knew he was made out of metal, well, I’m sure no one would give a toss.”
He later went on to claim that once he had completed his invisibility potion he would use it to sneak into the white house, retrieve some of President Bush’s semen and bring about political confusion in America once again, before passing out. Whilst we have been so far unable to confirm any of his claims, just incase he is somehow right, like Kevin McCarthy was at the end of the original Invasion of the Bodysnatcher's film, we promise to investigate this story further, at the very least until something good on tv is on.
BLAIR WARNS “GIANT HORSES MAY KILL US ALL”
Tony Blair sent the whole world in to panic last night by announcing the news that soon horses are likely to grow up to thirty foot tall and use humans for eating related enjoyment.
According to information he received from the newly established ministry of future research, horses have been secretly growing taller over the last decade, and if this trend continues, by 2046 they will have expanded so much that they will be able to kick over houses whilst laughing at the same time.
During this grave warning to the world, Blair pleaded for all horse farmers to keep the animals in very small stables, pat them on the head as much as possible, make them wear very heavy hats and whisper in their ears that ‘everybody prefers small horses’ in the hope that this will lead them to stop growing. Sending shivers down the backs of people with spines, he ended the broadcast with the tongue chilling words “If it doesn’t work, it might be time to get the chainsaw’s out of the garage once again.”
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