The on-going joke slaughterhouse that is Micheal Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones’ marriage gained support from an unlikely source last night as a large group of pensioners descended upon Downing Street to complain about the rampant ageism that has been slowly taking over the UK in the last few months. Claiming that all the national papers had ripped the piss out of the age gap between the famous couple, they ordered politicians to listen to them or they’d defecate everywhere.
Spokesperson James Robert Galpeshie, 85, went on to issue a statement explaining their disgust. “We’re sick and tired of the media knocking the aged, taking the piss out of relationships that they have with young, curvy, nubile women, as if it was something sick. Some of our members have been taunted so often by cheeky young boys that
He went on to claim "Soon the majority of the population will be old and grey, and then, if this type of ridicule continues, we will be forced to put our plan to take over the world in to action. You have been warned.”
Top Sociologist Dr Laura Joninington, 37, told our reporter that she was not shocked by the pensioners actions, commenting that she was just surprised that it had not happened before.
“The elderly in this country are treated like pieces of shit covered toilet roll, just before it’s flushed down the loo of self-disgust, and it’s about time they got out of their comfy beds and stood up for themselves. And I fear if we do not listen to them now, we will all inevitably be dead by next Christmas.”
The most controversial website the internet has yet seen, ‘www.rapeme?.com’ was closed down last night after a top secret government investigation discovered the FBI were the authors behind the project. Tediously outspoken Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott issued a statement several hours ago stating his horror when he heard about the site, which allows web travellers to comment on whether they would or not rape various girls depending on their physical appearance, but it was far too long and tiresome to print here in full.
FBI Boss Blake Harshely has since claimed that the site had been constructed to trap potential and actual rapists in to making incriminating comments that would lead to their arrest. “It worked with ‘ILoveNailingMy PenisToWalls.Com’ and ‘TopBurglarsBraggingBoard.net’ so we just took the idea one step further. If it wasn’t for the huge moral outrage that the site caused, at least two or more rapists could have been tracked down using advanced net spying equipment, and caught before the perpetrated any crime.”
The majority ofrape support groups across the world have not commented due to the holiday season, with the majority of their members ‘too busy in the kitchen’ according to their spokesperson, but famous lesbian Gillian Harsh has claimed that she too was sickened by the site. “The FBI have gone too far this time, and it’s time for the men who came up with this plan to be hunted down like guinea pigs who have committed murder.”
FORMERLY FAT POP STAR MAY NEVER RECOVER PROPERLY!
Famous pop star Robbie Williams was last night recovering in hospital after being viciously attacked by a camel whilst filming the video for his next single “King of the Desert”.
Williams, formerly of pop group Take That, lost over 250ml of blood in the hideous attack which saw the camel grab hold of his arm, refuse to let go, and slowly drink his precious blood. If it had not been for the video director’s extensive knowledge of camel torture, it may never have let go of the once fat pop star.
Stars have rallied around Williams, with many offering messages of support. Boyzone’s Ronan Keating claimed that “I’ve been bitten by most animals in my time, and I’m sure that it’s not meant personally. And if it is, well, I’d be quite prepared to kill all the camels in the world for Robbie.” Whilst Tv presenter Vanessa Feltz hoped that “Robbie would get better soon. And if he ever wants some sexual healing, I’d be very pleased to help out.”
In related news, Gary Barlow was swallowed by a snake late last night in a desperate attempt to be noticed, though no one has yet to bother to investigate his muffled claims.
Harry Potter author JK Rowling was allegedly in a state of shock last night as she discovered that her ample residence in East London had been broken in to, and several of her possessions including a lap top and some frying pans were missing.
The author begged for the return of her computer on tv’s Crimewatch show last night, telling devious host Nick Ross about the work she’d lost. “I’d already written the next five novels, and planned out a further thirty or so, right up to Harry's shocking heart attack related death at 52. Now I fear it’s only a matter of time before the thieves realise what they’ve got and attempt to blackmail me. If anyone knows who did this, please crucify them on the nearest cross before contacting the police and returning my work to me.”
Rumours have already surfaced on the internet telling of the plot lines to come in future Harry Potter novels, including the painful loss of Harry’s virginity, Hagrid being sent to prison for Dragon buggery, Professor Snape’s revelation that he is related to Clint Eastwood, and a shock twist which sees Hermione having a sex change.
Rowling refused to comment on whether any of these stories were true, but a close friend broke down in tears to an undercover WIWTN reporter, claiming “It’s all true, all true. Joanne will be ruined by these events. I expect from now on her mind will become so twisted that she’ll only write horrible tragedies involving dying horses.”
Terry Venables has surprised increasingly desperate Middlesborough manager Bryan Robson by hiring actor Tim Russ to help him restore the team to it’s former glory. Russ, famous for playing Vulcan ‘Tuvok’ in the American Tv series ‘Star Trek Voyager’, arrived in England earlier this week, and has already criticised the team, claiming that “the funny way they run and kick the ball is most illogical. And why are they all so fat?”
Whilst Robson has yet to comment on the acquisition of Russ, Venables explained the decisions behind the hiring of the American actor to somewhat shocked journalists at a press conference held yesterday.
Already looking tired and exhausted, he claimed “The hiring of Russ
Fans of the team are un-convinced by Venables decision, however, with one informing us “He’s the security chief for Godsake! He don’t know nothing about football! Okay, if somehow all the team were captured by aliens he might be of some help, but unless that happens I’m sure he’s going to be useless!”
Chris Tarrant, presenter of ITV's Who Want's To Be A Millionairre? quiz show, threatened to quit the show last night when one of the show's producers played a joke on him.
Exec producer Dom Hazeton doctored one question on the show, and tricked Tarrant int to asking contestant Bob Steak, 43, "What type of cunt am I?" Upon realising that he had become a victim of a practical joke, Tarrant immediately threw what experts in the business call "a hissy fit", screaming hysterically, and then leaving the studio before filming had been completed, allegedly crying into an enormous bucket.
Tarrant's manager later issued a statement claiming that "Chris no longer knows if he wants to work with people who disrespect him so
Hazeton has refused to apologise, however, stating " It was just a bit of a laugh, for fucks sake. I think it's time he grew up and started taking being called a cunt like a man. Until he can do that, no one around here wants to work with him."
Celebrity autobiographer Andrew Morton released plans of his latest expose in to lives of the famous, the day before yesterday, in a televised interview on The Frank Skinner Show. ‘Celebrity Secrets’ is to be released just in time for Christmas, and will be according to Morton “Full of fascinating stories that reveals shocking truths about the human psyche. Some of the things that are ‘heroes’ get up to are so utterly bizarre that the public has a right to be informed of them immediately.”
Morton also told Skinner about the chapter on wanking fantasies, mentioning that “If Mick Jagger really wants to get himself off he thinks of tortoises with extremely long necks, Drew Barrymore dreams of extremely tall thin trees, whilst Tony Blair often can’t stop thinking about mice whilst attempting to spurt.” Later in the interview he also mentioned two stories from the chapter on drug related hi-jinks, claiming that “Once Prince Charles tried to hypnotise a cat for seven hours whilst mashed off his box,” and “a story about Vanessa Feltz, Glove puppets and a naked seven year old was too foul to explain in detail on national television.”
Already the book has been pre-ordered by several million people. It will be released on the Monday after next, and should be available at all major bookshops priced £217.99.
Click here to read last month's issue.
 |
| Let Spyonit.com notify you when this page changes! |