The Weakest Link contestant Julia Whorse was found dead last night after a disastrous appearance on the top rated BBC quiz show. Whorse, 32, failed to get any questions right, and lost the other contestants two thousand pounds by claiming that Micheal Barrymore was married to Catherine Zeta Jones. She was unanimously voted off in the first round by the other contestants, who variously called her ‘Utterly useless’, ‘a cunt’ and ‘more stupid than that bloke Captain Stupid’.
Howeve, it was only when Anne Robinson told her ‘With a brain as small as my ex-husbands cock, and as useless as that pathetic piece of flesh, you are the weakest link. Goodbye” that Julia looked distressed, and as
Staley, however, has taken every opportunity to verbally attack Anne Robinson. Speaking on nearly all the major news programmes earlier today, he informed the world that: “Julia’s suicide note was only a few sentences long, but clearly shows why she died. It reads ‘Dear Anne, I could live in this world without your love. But I cannot exist knowing that you think I’m a brainless twat. Now in death I’ll be able to haunt you constantly, which I expect will be just great. See you soon, love Julia. PS. Sorry to everyone else.” Each time Staley then broke down in tears, but after recovering went on to claim “Julia loved that Robinson woman more than life itself. Her walls were covered with once beautiful but now sickening pictures of the television presenter, and she was desperate to meet her. She even used to practice winking in the mirror for hours so that she could be more like her idle. And so to be treated so cruelly by one she admired, well, it was no surprise when I found her hanging from the ceiling like a satisfied cock. Robinson should be truly ashamed of her wicked tongue, which I believe the BBC should remove from her immediately. She is responsible for that girls death and only tongue removal will bring any sort of justice for me and Julia’s estranged family.”
The BBC has acknowledged the death of Ms Julia Whorse with a brief apology to her parents, which read ‘Oops, terribly sorry’, but Anne Robinson refused to apologise, stating “I’m glad she’s dead. Goodbye.”
Rumours are increasingly circulating around London that the Queen has developed a startling heavy cocaine addiction – just like all of her relatives throughout time, ever.
Despite managing to avoid hard drugs for the majority of her life, it has been suggested that recent immensely stressful events have forced her in to taking the flour like substance just to cope. Suspicions were first aroused when she was seen at many social events either worriedly rubbing her nose, or disappearing to the toilets every hour for several minutes, but it was only when one of The Queen’s corgi’s died of a cocaine overdose that the media began to feed on the rumours like rabid Aids ridden vampires.
Prince Charles is said to be alarmed by the allegations, yet refuses to rule out their inaccuracy. “I don’t really believe the allegations, she’s always been a pot woman after all, but if my Mum does do coke I will stand by her to the very end. Which, please God, will be soon.”
The Order Out Of Chaos Party, Professor Jonathon Harshgold’s six month old political party, is reportedly now more popular than the Liberal Democrats according to a poll on the top political website ‘politicsnow.com’.
TOOOCP, which believes in a series of alarming laws and changes which include women being forced to have straight hair, reductions in the price of enema’s and barium meals, and the old getting free rats every two years, has leapt violently in to the public eye after a series of expensive adverts, starring such celebrities as Sean Connery, Hugh Grant, and Enimem, proved popular with normally apathetic tv viewers.
The political party, now famous for the slogan ‘if you don’t want to vote for anyone else, vote for us you fuckers’, attracted the attention of the media throughout the world, and as a result Professor Jonathon Harshgold is now more famous than Marilyn Manson, Eminem and that bloke who videoed himself buggering a horse put together.
Labour, however, are supposedly unworried by the emergence of a vaguely competent fourth party. “If the public wants to be run by a bunch of mad cunts, well, then hopefully they’ll get everything they deserve. Which, with any luck, will include some sort of rat influenced bubonic plague.”
The world was sadly un-surprised, yesterday, when the news broke that the stupidiest criminal in the world had finally been caught, after he emailed friends scans of himself committing a hideous crime.
James Thurd III, 43, of York, England, battered his wife, Mrs Thurd, to death with several chairs and knives, and used his digital camcorder to record the event in full disgusting glory. Clearly pleased with himself, he then sent scans of the murder to friends, captioning the pictures with such comments as "Nearly dead - about to stick knife in arse" and "Three chairs down, three to go." Forunately MI5 spies, who monitor all traffic over the internet at all times, immediately informed the police and Thurd III was arrested before his wife's blood had properly dried.
Whilst we recieved the photographs of the terrible crime from an anonymous reader, Police have informed us that we would be severely beaten up and then sent to jail for life if we published them. So we didn't.
The marriage of millionairess Joan Harker-Blake and tv star Jeremy Houston Jnr. ended after five brief months last night after Judge Joshua Treestone annulled the marriage, stating that “If I’d been married to him I’d have killed the obnoxious fucker.”
Harker-Blake and Houston Jnr, most famous for the ITV quiz show ‘Where’s My Trousers?’, met last year at a nude party hosted by Dale Winton, and were married after just six months to the great surprise of friends and family, who had previously always presumed that Houston was as gay as a Soho lamppost.
Soon after they were married Harker-Blake tragically developed breast cancer and needed surgery. According to close friends the attention she received enraged the insanely jealous Houston Jnr, who proceeded to make cancer jokes at any social engagement to embarrass her into silence. His behaviour became even stranger as he began hanging around nuclear power stations and smoking eighty cigarettes a day in the hope that he might develop testicular cancer and become the centre of attention once again.
Mary Jane Louise Thrushton, 37, was committed to the St. Lucifer’s Home for the Mentally ill by her family last night after claming she regularly saw the ghost of a dog on yesterday’s ‘Trisha’ television programme.
The programme, entitled ‘Mad loons who see ghosts in toilets’ featured a variety of British eccentrics claiming that they had seen ghosts whilst urinating, or in some cases defecating, but only Thrushton claimed to see the ghost of the animal. “It was whilst I was having a period one day,” she told officially useless host Trisha Goddard, “that I saw this dog just walk through the cubicle door. The next thing I knew was that he was lapping harshly between my thighs and then my period was all gone. He’s come to see me every month since, which, as you may imagine, is quite a bonus.” Her family were watching the filming of the show backstage, and upon hearing her claims, they immediately phoned their local mental asylumn.
“There’s no way I’m going to be married to a mad fuck,” her husband John Thrushton informed us, “and until she tells me that that ghost dog has stopped lapping at her bodily parts she can stay strapped in to her straightjacket for the rest of her natural life.”
Whilst Trisha refused to make any statement regarding Thrushton’s situation, executive producer Tom Newoman informed us that "sadly many of our guests are as insane as a broken car stereo, and I’m just surprised that no one has been carted off to a mental asylum before now. Most of them shouldn’t be free to roam the streets of Britain after all.”
PLASTIC SURGEON OPERATES ON OWN CHILD
The plastic medical community were aghast last night after police arrested Dr Stephen Griffiths, 39, after he performed plastic surgery on his seven year old son without the child’s consent. Allegedly depressed because other Doctor’s regularly mocked the ugliness of his son, Griffiths strapped his son to a kitchen chair for over twelve hours whilst he radically altered the appearance of the child.
Police were called to the home of Dr Griffiths after worried neighbours presumed he had somehow swapped his son for a more beautiful lad, and the Doctor was immediately taken in to custody.
However the medical staff at the hospital where Griffith’s worked are undecided whether to change the child back to his former ugly state. “We just don’t know what to do, it seems so cruel to make him look as he did before,” one top Doctor told us, “I mean say if your dog was run over but then looked better than before, you wouldn’t make a vet change him back, would you? You would? Oh. Well I wouldn’t.”
ALLY MCBEAL STAR ATTACKED BY OVERWEIGHT WOMAN
The well known tiny star of Ally McBeal, Callista Flockhart, was attacked by an overweight woman whilst walking down what used to be a normal street, yesterday, in America.
The star was knocked to the floor by the woman’s enormous bulk, and sat upon for at least two minutes whilst police attempted to lift the woman off of her. Flockhart suffered only minor cuts and bruises, though claims the emotional distress she suffered is comparable to that of someone who had ‘been raped by an elephant’.
The overweight woman refused to state why she attacked the diminutive star, but according to close friends the attack had been carefully planned months in advance. “She was so sick and tired of seeing that thin bitch whine all the time that she decided to all but squash her out of existence,” an ex-fiance told us, “And if the police hadn’t arrived in time Ms Flockhart would have definitely died, and maybe a good actress would have replaced her in the role of Ally McBeal. It’s a tragedy, I tell ya, a tragedy that this did not happen.”
Click here to read last month's issue.
GC(uk) Email Advanced Site Search