England’s soon to be former prime minister Mr Tony Blair, made a contemptible attack on the elderly, yesterday, whilst visiting an old folks home in Liverpool. Shocked by the conditions that the elderly were living in, he claimed that he couldn’t believe that “they didn’t even have cable, let alone a swimming pool or sauna” and that it must be because “they’re just so lazy and boring.”
Staff manager Mandalee Jones contacted us as soon as the Prime Minister left the building to inform the world of her shock. “I just cant believe how rude that man was,” she told us, “He just started laying in to all the old people, asking them how long it was since they last worked or even wrote a book. He started calling them all lazy fuckwits, who should be working and making a contribution to society. Then he said that he didn’t even want their vote if all they were going to do was sit around in other people’s piss and shit all day. At that point Peter Mandelson ushered him out of the building.”
Three of the old people at the home have since died of shock, whilst one has claimed she won’t ever vote Conservative again after Mr Blair’s visit “He was a very nice man,” she claimed.
A waffle shortage in Peckham, London, yesterday, ended in tragedy as eight people died after stuffing frozen waffles in to their mouths.
Despite the fact that the petrol shortage is now officially over and life is finally beginning to return to normal, shoppers in Peckham have still been mass buying any products they can get their hands on, and have even been forming posse’s, attacking delivery trucks with their teeth and claws to avoid having to pay for goods.
Police were called in by distressed store bosses last week after the store began to run out of food and shoppers panicked, and arrested seventeen people.
Tragically, however, a further eight people suffocated to death after stuffing frozen waffles in to their screaming mouths ‘just in case their was no food in prison’ – whilst shocked policemen just stood around and ‘laughed’ according to one eye witness.
The Police have been quick to play down their part in the disaster. At a press conference yesterday Police Chief Johnathon Herkffical claimed “The dead were already dead by the time we got there. So fuck you.”
ARCHAELOGISTS DISCOVER FIRST BIG BROTHER HOUSE.
Archaeologists digging a large hole in a field in Suffolk, England, have found the remains of what they believe to be the first ever Big Brother house. The house, built completely from glass, is believed to have been constructed in the mid seventeenth century, and was found seventy feet below the ground.
And Head Archaeologist Stefan Houndas yesterday claimed that it was placed their on purpose. “Someone didn’t want us to find this house for a very long time, and I don’t know why. I mean, they could have smashed it up or something, instead of burying it. But we found a note inside one of the bedrooms with only seventeen words on it – ‘Watchee the house of five people – heree all thee time frommee Augustee the first till September 28th’ – and there was blood all over the glass. I find it all a bit strange, to be honest.”
Oxford and Cambridge University historians, and to a lesser extent those who work at former polytechnics, have become very excited by the find. In an interview on national television, Dr. Andrew Wallace-Parkton yelped excitedly “This proves that society was much more advanced back then than we ever imagined – and that to be honest we should be a lot more intelligent than we are now. I mean, why aren’t we living on the moon yet?”
Scientists at Oxford University have ended twelve years of research in to northern and southern girls and have undeniably proved that the northern ‘lasses’ are at least 5 IQ points stupider than Southern ‘ladies’ – though they have no idea why this may be.
Professor Jonus Fisher, 78, explained to a press conference at the University earlier this morning the think tanks findings. “We interviewed over two hundred thousand young ladies between the ages of seventeen and eighteen and found that whilst nearly all the southern girls wanted to go to University, get a good job and screw men for money, the northerners just wanted a job with a fag break every ten minutes, unisex toilets and a workplace environment that wasn’t powered by coal.”
When pressed on the reasons the IQ divide may be so high, Fisher refused to issue any definite results – but claimed poor stand up
There is some good news for the northerners though. Whilst it has yet to be proven, Fisher speculates that they have more responsive nipples – and thus are likely to enjoy nipple sex more than their southern counterparts “If you ever want to rub your knob over a woman’s chest make sure she lives north of Cambridge – then she’ll probably achieve orgasm within seconds” Fisher informed us.
A mysterious female Scientist, who has yet to be named, faxed all major news organisations late last night with the astonishing claim that she had cloned Jesus Christ. At first the letter was considered a hoax, until a second fax arrived with a photograph on it – which religious leaders have been shocked by. One such holy man, who wished not to be named, claimed “It’s definitely him. I only saw him a dream two days ago.”
The scientist claimed that she paid well over one hundred million pounds for the body of Christ, which a nice super corporation lent her, from a mysterious man with sun glasses and a black cape. She then used a super cloning machine which She invented a few months back, when it was raining one day, and cloned an instant thirty three year old Christ. “It made sense to let him live on from the point that he died at, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to go through puberty again, anyway,” she stated.
She has not yet revealed what she’s going to do with the new Christ, who is currently only seven hours old, but promises it won’t be evil at all, and vehemently denied allegations that she had already videoed Jesus and herself in female underwear pleasing each other erotically.
However, not everyone believes the scientists alleged claims. Prime Minister Tony Blair has reportedly claimed, in a special Downing Street meeting, held yesterday, that “until he turns water in to whiskey, or grows an extra head, and I think its all a load of bollocks.” And William Hague, for once, agreed with his hated rival, screaming “It can’t be fucking Christ! You idiots! He hasn’t even got that tatoo of his mum and dad on his ankle for shites sake.”
Proving that the entertainment industry is just one sick puppy, the media world today was relatively unshocked by the news that top rap artist Eminem is being sued by Gary Glitter after the release of Eminem’s new single “Fitter, Bitter, Glitter Shitter’.
The disgraced singer has claimed that the song is just one long description of a painful prison related shower rape that was clearly supposed to have happened to him – and that it is ‘well out of order’. Eminem is claiming that the song is not just about Glitter though – “so many pop stars go to prison these days that it could be about anyone. And, as my lawyer advised, I namecheck a hundred and twenty seven top pop stars in the song, so I don’t know how on earth Glitter can claim that the song is just about him.” The case is expected to go to trial some time next year.
In related news, Rick Witter of unpopular indie band Shed Seven is also considering suing Eminem, for NOT mentioning him in the song “He mentioned so many other pop stars in it, but not me, which is so unfair considering my name even rhymes with Glitter. He clearly must hate me and want to kill me. So I’m only suing him for my own safety, you know.”
EIGHT NEW COMIC BOOK MOVIES PLANNED FOR RELEASE NEXT WEEK
After the success of the X-Men in cinema’s all over the world (bar Denmark), crazed Hollywood producers immediately green lit other adaptations of popular American comic books, with the result being that eight movies based on comics are to be released next Friday in the US.
Pundits consider this to be ‘really crazy, like comets in washing up bowls’ and believe that all eight will probably fail at the box office, making less the seven or eight US dollars between them all. “It’s just insane overkill,” critic Shawn Hank Fisher told us, “that will most likely scare the viewing public away from movie houses. I should imagine most people will simply be unable to make up their minds which film to see, and do something else instead, like drink alcohol or ice skate.”
Hollywood producers are predictably more confident about the new films. Joel Silver, producer of Animal Man, Groo, and Batman 5 declared “that one day all films will be based on comic books – and only then will twenty first century art truly find meaning,” whilst the producers of The Flash, Supergirl 2, The Fantastic Four, Justice League Europe and Captain Atom deny that the films will be similar at all, despite the fact that they were all written by Scream’s Keven Williamson.
Top scientists working in Woking, yesterday, but not the day before, have predicted that within five years children will be so intelligent they will be teaching us things we really should know but never could be bothered to learn.
Already three children, who were forced to use the internet from the age of six months, have passed their GCSE’s at the tender age of four. It is predicted that they will each have degrees by seven, PHD’s by eleven, and grand designs on taking over the universe by thirteen.
Dr Victor Blakeson, only 17 himself, spoke to us earlier today to expound upon some of the theories he and his team of scientists had come up with. “If a kid were to spend the same amount of time on the internet as it did at school, where the enforced drivel poured out by over worked ‘educators’ teaches them fuck all, it would be more intelligent than Jeremy Paxman within three to four years. Sure, the kid would probably know how to swear in every language and appreciate pornography at a younger age than is currently considered acceptable, but inivetably that would only lead it to have a better understanding of humanity by the age of fifteen, seventeen at the latest.
And the advantages are obviously enormous. Soon all diseases will be cured by the children who we will probably have to address as ‘our new gods’ and world poverty will be reduced in all countries when the kids invent some sort of supercow. I for one cant wait for this golden new age in humanity.”
As per usual, no one is ever just simply happy with this type of news. Ex-colleague Dr Jonus Hilt-Boned was the first to phone us, and spoke out against his colleague. "Blakeson's always claimed that super intelligent children are the way of the future, but how can he know? Eh? HOW? This could so easily destroy us all. And has he even considered the future implications of his disturbing fantasies? I mean how long is it before we have educated sperm and virtual babygods? Has he? I doubt it."
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