The first scripted programme to be broadcast 24 hours a day, seven days a week on it’s own digital channel is to be the BBC’s flagship soap opera, Eastenders. A new channel “BBC Eastenders 24” will be launched in a few months time, after the set is considerably enlarged to include such locations as a backpackers hostel, a large supermarket and a brothel.
The show, famously based on the lives of endearingly cheeky cockneys, is to be filmed live around the clock. So that the already overworked stars of the show, including Wendy ‘Wendy’ Richards and Barbara ‘Babs’ Windsor, don’t quit or die, the cast is to be considerably enlarged, and the new actors in the show will mainly be ex-Gladiators and Australian soap stars who could no longer get work in their own country.
One of the show’s producers, Jon Tonky claims, however, that the quality will not suffer “Whilst fans may see less of popular characters such as Peggy, and, um…..well, Phil, I suppose, we’re sure that they’ll love the new characters even more. We are particularly pleased to announce that Wolf the Gladiator is to join the cast as “Clive the Pimp” and we are currently attempting to persuade Danni Minogue to feature as a prostitute. It’s a non-speaking role, obviously, but we’re hoping she’ll take up our offer very soon. And if she doesn’t, well, we may just have to send the boys round.”
Fans without Digital tv needn’t worry however, as the show will still be broadcast in its regular slot on BBC1, and will only feature scenes with current cast members in it. “It could all go wrong, obviously,” Tonky told us, “so we can’t really risk losing the viewers who watch the show on the BBC. After all, it’s the only programme people watch on the channel these days.”
A scientist working in a small bunker two hundred feet below Essex, England, has announced the creation of the first ever holographic Black Box Recorder. The device, which currently is as big as a rather large and angry dog, will record every incident that takes place in an aeroplanes cockpit, and deliver an accurate recording of the pilots last words.
Professor Stephen Yarkweed, 34, rabidly promoted the new device in a press conference given yesterday. “This device is a new step forward in scientific technology,” he informed a room full of the world’s most intelligent journalists, many of whom had an IQ of over a 78, “and through a brand new technique we developed only last Tuesday, projects a holographic image of the doomed pilots last minutes. We purposely crashed a plane, killing seven, only a couple of days ago, and the results were amazing. You could see the look of terror on the pilots face as he plunged towards his death in minute detail, and I’m sure as a result of my work we’ll have a much better idea why planes crash, blow up or sink in to the sea for no good reason.”
The device is expected to make Yarkweed millions, if not billions, once it is installed in every plane in the entire world, but the scientist has no plans to give up work. “After this, I intend to create a robot horse that’ll be programmed never to throw it’s rider. If I’m successful, I’m sure I’ll be able to save the lives of hundreds of jockeys every single day.”
Hot on the heels of the successful launch of Big Brother in the United States, kill crazy producers are set to begin an alternative version of the show featuring serial killers and generally insane types living in a house together.
Producer Dave “Jehovah” Jones gave a press conference last Tuesday, and briefly ran through the rules. “Ten killers will live in a house together,” he told an assembled throng of shocked journalists.
“24 hours a day, and be filmed constantly. The internet site www.bigbro-deathrow.com will broadcast the footage constantly, so that the general public will be able to watch these madmen all the time. Each week they will nominate one person to be sent to the electric chair, and at the end of the ten weeks the last person alive is given a full pardon, and a plane ticket of his or her choice to a destination outside of the United States."
"We expect the show to be a big hit – especially with those who crave the taste of blood. To make things even more exciting, participants in the house may heighten their chances of winning by killing other inmates, though obviously if they kill someone the public likes they might end up in the electric chair themselves – so I’m sure they won’t be taking such decisions lightly.”
The house, built on a secret location near Texas, the officially acknowledged ‘Home of the Serial Killer’, has forty foot electric fences and underfed rabid dogs circling the property at
Those who oppose the death penalty in the United States, all eighteen of them, have been deeply shocked, and many burst in to tears when they heard about the programme. “It’s just not right,” one of them may have told us, “to make an entertainment programme based on the suffering and deaths of others – unless it involves poorly animals – and it just ain’t funny.”
George Lucas, winner of last years GCUK “Who’s the most greedy bastard in the world” poll is set to unleash yet another edition of Star Wars on to the unsuspecting public. The catch this time is that this time it will only feature scenes with Harrison Ford in it.
“Market research has shown us,” Lucas told us, “that Harrison Ford is the only really popular member of the original cast still making films. So we’ve decided to release a new special edition of Star Wars with only scenes in which Harrison flexes his superb acting muscles. To cover the rather huge plot holes we’ve created extra scenes with Harrison in them, where he explains to Chewbacca what exactly is going on. Plus I wrote a couple of extra scenes too, in which he appears naked with R2D2. I’m sure the fans of the original film, which is basically everyone in the world bar seven people, will love the new version. And if they don’t rush out and buy at least two copies each, well, I might never make another StarWars movie again. That’d teach them.”
Whether or not the film will be the success Lucas is expecting is impossible to tell, but you can trust WIWTN never to mention this story again.
NEWS CAUSES OUTRAGE!
Fans of Buffy The Vampire Slayer the world over have been mildly outraged during the last week, well, at least since Tuesday, after creator Josh Whedon announced plans that the lead character (Buffy) will date, and eventually marry, a ninja transvestite in the fifth series of his popular teen horror tv series.
Fans of the top rated show have expressed their disgust by throwing messages, often wrapped around dead pets, through windows in Whedon’s massive house, many of which are full of swearing and threats of blood loss related death. One such nutter, Dr David O. O. Mouse, was arrested by police and charged with ‘Criminal Damage’ as well as ‘being annoying and stupid at the same time’ which is now a crime in over 27 states.
Speaking to us upon his release, Dr Mouse continued to vent his outrage, covering our reporter in cheese flavoured spittle. “I just can’t fucking believe it,” he screamed, “they’re going to make the programme ridiculous! What was once an in-depth study of how the kids of today survive against the perils of youth, vampires, demons and other such hideous creatures will inevitably just become utterly ridiculous. I mean, why would Buffy ever fall in love with a man who wears women clothes? It’s just bloody stupid. Nobody will consider the programme to be ‘realistic’ after this.”
Whedon has claimed that he is deeply upset by the fans response, and has threatened to make Giles a talking monkey if they don’t stop annoying him.
Internet superstar and all round crazy foreigner Mahir ‘I Kiss You’ Cagri has announced further plans in his attempt to conquer the entertainment world, with the news that he is to record an album packed with bizarre duets.
Mahir, who shot to fame after attempting to find women to have sexual intercourse with over the internet, has already enlisted some of the top stars in the music world. Gary Barlow, Dr Dre, Madonna, Cher and Micheal Jackson are all to appear on tracks on the album, mainly due to the fact that they are desperate to be noticed again.
Somewhat unsurprisingly, Mahir turned down offers to work with Rick Witter from Shed Seven, Geri Halliwell and the newly reformed Aha, stating that ‘I may be demented, but I’m not fucking insane. Everyone in the whole world knows how bad Shed Seven, Ms Halliwell and Aha are. I'd rather kiss Bernard Mannings arse than perform with those people.”
Festival Goers intending on visiting the Reading Festival this year are apparently praying for rain, according to messages left on the Reading Festival Website Message Board.
Many people who attended Glastonbury this year were deeply disappointed that it didn’t pour down the whole time, and missed out on the joy of rolling around in mud for twenty four hours a day. A Ms C. Showoff left a message on the board noting her disappointment, stating that “without the risk of pneumonia related death, or at least a severe flu, Glastonbury was really disappointing this year,” and proceeded to claim that she would “spend every night until the 27th of August praying that the weekend would suffer from torrential downpours and possibly even tornado’s.”
Over twenty thousand other web users echoed her concerns,
Headliner’s Oasis, however, don’t wish it to rain. “Has everyone gone fookin’ mad?” Liam asked us, before proceeding to beg us to shoot him and put him out of his misery.
Whatever the state of the weather, you can trust us at Wish It Were True? News to report from Reading with all the top gossip. Unless it snows of course. That’d be too freaky.
The latest scandal to rock and shock the Royal family, whom we absolutely love taking the ‘metal mickey’ out of here at Wish It Were True? News, as they provide us with so many ridiculous stories, is perhaps the hardest to believe, but we have it on good authority that it’s true, all true. Honest.
Mrs June Throttle, an aide to the Princess Anne, has asked us to provide permanent secret refuge for her as she now fears for her life every 28 days or so, due to the Princess’s tendency to grow hair all over her body, extra teeth, and a craving for human flesh. Anne, unbeknownst to the majority of the world, often spends her time intimately with wolves and other vicious animals, including gazelles, and we suspect she may have been bitten, during the last fifty years or so, by a werewolf pretending to be a normal wolf.
Mrs Throttle claims that the majority of the Royal Family know of Anne’s secret, and that she is normally chained to lampposts on the days she is due to change in to a blood thirsty killer, with only the Queen Mum for company, though she has escaped many a time. During these escapes, Mrs Throttle claimed that she has killed hundreds, including such top celebrities such as Lord Lucan AND Lord Olivier, obviously preferring rich flesh. Throttle suspects that the Queen has obviously used her influence to make sure that the truth has never come to light, until now, of course, and presently fears for her life. “At any time now they might set Princess Anne on me,” she claimed, “and I could be eaten limb by limb, which I imagine would be rather painful, as well as possibly fatal too. And I wouldn't be very happy about that at all.”
Yesterday we passed this information on to the police, who promised to look in to this story as soon as they had thoroughly investigated every other unsolved murder in the country.
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