The childish fighting between Liam Gallagher and Robbie Williams culminated last night, when Liam Gallagher removed Williams’ head with his own bare hands.
The two top pop stars had been bickering like old women for weeks, threatening each other with increasingly depraved acts of violence, including the removal of genitals with bare teeth. And last night, sadly, tragedy took place. Infront of twenty thousand rabid fans, Robbie William’s invaded the stage, naked apart from a stupid hat, in the middle of Oasis’s set, and, like an ape or some sort of crazy swan, attacked Liam with own his bare hands. Well known for having a short temper, it did not take Liam long to react, but all his fans were stunned in to silence when he let out an enormous roar and ripped Mr William’s head from his neck.
He then paraded it around, proudly shouting ‘I am the fooking greatest’ like a little six year old, whilst the rest of Oasis laughed like crazed bloodthirsty millionairres. Almost all the fans at the concert are receiving psychological counselling, that, many fear, they may need until they die.
However, no one in the pop industry was surprised by Liam’s violent act. One industry boss, who was too scared to tell us his name, told us ‘Look, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but it was bloody inevitable that William’s would die. Liam’s a crazy man whose killed hundreds of times before. He used to have a lot more Brothers and Sisters a few years ago, I can tell you. I just hope that he’ll be arrested now, and his reign of terror will soon come to an end. If not I'm flying to Brazil, or maybe the artic circle, where it'll be safe.”
CLONED DINOSAUR KILLS 3
The first Dinosaur to be cloned using techniques out of Jurassic Park, and to a lesser extent, it’s sequel, Jurassic Park 2, has escaped from it’s high security pen, just outside of London’s West End. It has already killed three mainly innocent people, who are pictured on the left, just before their heads and genitals were removed by it’s massively sharp teeth, and police warn that the Dinosaur should not be approached unless you either wish to commit suicide, or have a plan to stop the beast that no one else has thought of yet.
The Dinosaur, nicknamed Susie-Sue by it’s creator, Dr John Burguress, is half the size of a normal Tyrannosaurus Rex, but THREE times more dangerous because of this, as it is able to use escalators, elevators and other forms of public transport, including Trains AND Buses, something a full size Tyrannosaurus Rex would be unable to do. The Dinosaur was last seen lurking around Clapham Common, and Police have warned all homosexuals and government ministers in the area not to go there unless they wish to be eaten.
Dr Burguress, the creatures creator, issued this statement last night: “I am deeply, deeply sorry that Susie-Sue has escaped and caused so much pain and suffering. I was convinced that I’d tamed her. I mean, we slept in the same bed together, every night, and everything, but upon escaping she has turned in to a vicious killer, just like my last genetic creations, Bob Carolgee’s and Spit the Dog did. There’s a very good reason why you don’t see those two bastards on tv anymore, which for legal reasons I can’t go in to here. Ahem, anyway, I hope that Susie Sue is captured soon before she destroys the whole of England, or starts breeding with other animals. Infact that’s a far worse scenario than even I had ever considered. Imagine half dinosaur-half dog creatures. Brrrr. It’d probably shag your leg to death.”
Police in the area hope to kill the creature by stamping on it to death, and are appealing to anyone in the area with particularly large feet to come forward and help out.
ANGRY DOG KILLS EIGHT AT CRUFTS
Platonic dog lovers the world over have been devastated by scenes of torture and death broadcast by the BBC during it’s coverage of Crufts, the world famous show which celebrates cute little doggie-woggies.
This years competition turned in to a bloodbath when ‘Jon-Jon’, owned by Lady Christine Octovia Robbings-Newman, turned on it’s owner after being eliminated from the competition due to uncontrollable urinating. Obviously in a foul mood, the dog attacked several others of it’s own kind, to the horror of spectators present, before turning on it’s owner. After ripping out her throat, and briefly peeing on her brand new fur coat, the dog then turned on the audience, mauling seven others to death before being shot with a tranquilliser dart by a passing member of the RSPCA.
A spokesman for the BBC issued this statement a few hours after the event. “Whilst we are very sorry that this terrible tragedy took place, we feel no guilt in broadcasting the events. The world deserves to know, and, of course, see, what happens when cute little animals are forced against their will to run through hoops. I'm just surprised that it hasn't happened before, or that the Dog's haven't formed some sort of union to stop this ridiculous torture they're put through every single bloody year. Anyway, you have to admit it was great entertainment seeing all those posh bastards being killed.Viewing figures for the late night repeat were higher than those for the funeral of Princess Diana, y’know, so it must have been something the people have wanted to see on their tv screens for quite a long time.”
Jon-Jon is reportedly receiving counselling, and is currently awaiting trial at Battersby Dogs Home.
BILL GATES NAMED AS THE FATHER OF BRITNEY’S UNBORN BABY
After weeks of rumour and heresay, Britney Spears has finally revealed who the father of her unborn child is.
Speaking yesterday at a press conference, she informed us of the following: “This whole pregnancy thing has been a nightmare from day one. I didn’t have a clue who the father was, as I’ve slept with so many men, most of which have been in incredible positions of power. But after exhaustive DNA testing, I’m proud to announce that Bill Gates is the father of my unborn foetus.” Apparently Ms. Spears and Mr Gates met at a new years party and, after drinking a cocktail of vodka, whiskey and absinthe, got naked under a pile of coats in a bedroom, resulting, in just under five minutes, in her pregnancy. Spears herself was overjoyed by the news: “For a while back then I was really scared that the father might turn out to be Keanu Reeves, or even Adam Sandler, whom everybody knows have incredibly ‘dysfunctional genes’ that leads to extreme stupidity. But fortunately it was one of the most intelligent men in this world who got me pregnant, which I’m sure will result in the child being super intelligent. Infact, I’m sure it’ll be brighter than me after only a few weeks.”
Bill Gates, however, was less pleased when he heard the news. “Oh no, no fucking way. Not all this bollocks again. It seems that not even a week can go by without some stupid pop singer accusing me of being the father of their child. Anyway, I’m almost certain I’m not the father, as I’m sure I only ever did Britney anally.”
WIWTN promises to keep you up to date with this breaking story when, or if, we have the time.
‘WHO WANTS TO WIN A WHORE?’ DEBUTS ON DUTCH TV
VJK1, a television station in Amsterdam, Holland, Europe, stunned moralists the world over, earlier today, when they broadcast the first episode of a new quiz show ‘Who Wants To Win A Whore?’ The show is based, rather obviously, on Chris Tarrant’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ the only differences being that the main prize has been changed from money to sex. Oh, and they’ve had to cut out ‘Phone a Friend’ from the three life lines, due to contestants mainly being ‘lonely old men who know no one.’
‘WWTWAW’ is already a huge success in Holland, with over one hundred thousand desperate old men phoning in to the show in an attempt to win the top prize of a table of blonde bird’s with fake breasts.
However, not all contestants went away happy. Whilst one man answered thirteen questions correctly, and got a pleasantly cute twenty two year old brunette, and couldn’t stop chuckling and rubbing his groin throughout, one man was only able to get one question right, and thus won a pre-op transvestite. He is now suing the show, who he claims has damaged him psychologically, as he is now, at the age of 76, questioning his sexuality for the first time, which he stated as being ‘anally painful.’
Women across the world have reportedly been in a stage of ‘murderous outrage’ and are actively lobbying to get the programme banned. But Asgar Larsseining, the Dutch ex-convict who presents the show, believes the show will last for years. Speaking just five minutes ago, whilst I was already writing the first paragraph of this story, he told WIWTN that ‘the programme should, no, must continue. It gives hope to the entire male population. So many 70 year old men, just scraping by on meagre pensions, have burst in to tears whilst phoning in, claiming it’s been the first time in over 30 years that they’ve had the chance to have sex. For them alone, as well as the large amount of thirteen year olds who phone in, the show should continue. Cause, like, I’m pretty sure they’d all commit suicide if we got cancelled. Women who don’t like the show, I ask you, can you live with the death of all men on your tiny hands?”
Sky One has already bought the rights to the show and will be broadcasting it soon on their new soft core adult channel ‘Sky Tits’n’Arse’.
MEN WEARING HANDBAGS CRAZE HITS LONDON
Somewhat surprisingly, Handbags for men have become the first major craze to hit London in the new millennium.
Whilst hardly a new idea, it has never taken the fashion world by force until now. But at London fashion week nearly every man was carrying a handbag, most of which were full of cans of lager, vomit and condoms. Current fashion flavour of the week, Alexander Carryington-Jones-Barrymore, who makes women dress up in tissues and nothing else, told us that ‘soon all men will carry handbags. We’re all tired of having our trouser pockets ripped apart by loose change, keys knives, forks, and other bits of crap. And plus we can now carry around larger quantities of alcohol, and even a small bottle to urinate in, just incase there are no toilets around.’
The craze has now sadly spread to the music world. Liam Gallagher was spotted carrying his new child in a handbag, claiming it was ‘just fookin’ easier to carry him in a handbag then to drag him along in a fookin’ heavy pram. Do you know what I meeeeaaannnnn?’ and George Micheal allegedly carries around eight or nine dildo’s at any time in his bag, just in case, you know, he gets a bit randy. Whether the public will take on to this fad is anyone’s guess. But we here at WIWTN severely hope they don’t.
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