Popular film star and all round ex-good guy Tom Hanks, star of the movies Forrest Gump and Big, has been shunned by the normally light hearted Hollywood community after three snuff movies were found in which he helped murder people.
The movies, entitled ‘Scissorfoot’, ‘Bloody Faces 3‘ and ‘Arse Killers’, all feature Hanks either helping a murder take place or laughing in the background. The actor has claimed that it is not him in the film, but actress Meg Ryan has confirmed to police that it definitely is, stating “I’d recognise that penis anywhere”.
Police however are not pursuing the case as they say that the quality of the tapes are not good enough to conclusively prove that it is Hanks, and all the other participants and witnesses to the making of the videos have suspiciously died in the last 24 hours. However the usually morally dubious Hollywood studio system has shunned Hanks. He has been fired from the set of his latest movie “Big hearted stupid lonely guy” after co-star Cameron Diaz claimed “he tried to kill me last night too!” and no one else is reportedly interested in casting the allegedly dangerous actor.
Whilst we attempted to speak to Mr Hanks, he courteously declined all our offers, screaming “I won’t sell the depraved story of my life for anything less than $150 million, you fuckers!”
Scientists have worried at least several farmers in Norwich by the news that England could well be underneath the waves by 2054.
Professor Steven Blakey informed the government on Thursday of an increasing peril to our beloved country, the gist of it being “if ice caps melt, and the weather continues to get worse etc. We’ll have to build bigger and bigger walls all around the country, beaches and all that crap, to stop the sea getting in, blah blah blah, and then all the rain will start to collect like a giant puddle, starting in the east country, until we’re all flooded.to death. And it could happen even sooner if the walls break down too, crushing hundreds in their wake, etc, etc.”
The Government has called emergency meetings, and asked other top scientists for advice, but have issued this statement to calm the panicked country. “Don’t worry, we’ll all be living on the moon by then.”
Crazy horses, certified insane by top vet Dr Julius Skizzard, are to receive treatment at the same mental hospital that has recently seen the likes of allegedly human patients Prince Charles, Micheal Douglas and Professor Stephen Hawking smash their heads against padded walls.
Dr Skizzard, 82, contacted us yesterday to explain his shocking theories. “Ever since Robert Redford rediscovered the secret art of horse whispering he’s been gradually teaching vets all round the country how to do it. When he’s not making films of course. Or fishing. And that’s how we know what they’re saying. Problem is, the bastards just wont shut up now. They tell us everything, and chat stupidly about
“What many people do not realise,” Dr Skizzard went on to tell us, “is that horses are very jealous creatures, and love often develops between them and their jockey, which due to societies laws simply cannot take place. Quite a few horses have attempted to kill themselves by smashing in to brick walls at top speeds, which whilst fascinating to watch, is still a tragic loss of life that I hope to stop. And of course if that doesn’t work, electric shock therapy always raises a laugh.”
Fading pop band Oasis, well known for taking drugs and swearing a lot in the mid nineties, are set to play their final ever show at Reading/Leeds Carling Festival this year.
Whilst Liam and Noel are still claiming that they have yet to decide whether to keep the band together after they play the live dates, a spokesman for their record company said ‘you’d have to pretty fucking stupid if you thought they’re going to stay together after these gigs. Are you?’ Sources close to the band say that Liam and Noel cannot even be in the same building at the moment without fighting with swords, and rumours that he has already sacked the rest of the band bar Liam ‘just in case he forgets to do it later’ abound the Oasis camp.
Reading Festival Organisers have also now released the plans for Oasis’ show. “They’ve asked for a big backdrop which reads ‘Live Forever? Fuck You!” on it, which is to explode at the end of the last song, killing everyone except Noel, who told us he intends to run away just before it happens. Pretty exciting, eh?”
Game Show’s Hidden Secret May Well Sicken Millions!
Family Fortunes, the much loved game show presented by ex-comedian Les Dennis is not the fun loving, innocent programme it pretends to be. Whilst the quiz often gives away prizes of well over a couple of hundred pounds every week, and occasionally a car too, the inner workings of the show have not been revealed until now due to fears that it would disgust the nation and seriously affect viewing figures too.
For whilst Les Dennis informs alert viewers every week that one hundred people were also asked every question that appears on the show each week, what he does not tell you is that it is the same one hundred people every week, answering every question, and has been for the twenty odd years the programme has been running.
The Family Fortunes One Hundred have been kept in a tower block in East London for well over
The truth about the Family Fortunes One Hundred emerged last night, after it was exposed by two people who actually escaped from aforementioned ‘the tower of inane terror’. Peter Muckshoo and Julie Woosnam, fled the country last night and called our new showbiz reporter Joss Tiger, from France, where they believed themselves to be safe, in the hope that he would inform the world of the terror they have been subjected to in the last twenty years. Fortunately for them, he had nothing else better to do.
“It’s been a terrible, horrific way to spend the best years of your life,” Mr Muckshoo nervosuly informed our reporter. “In the late seventies I was fresh out of school, poorly qualified, and desperate for any kind of job that entailed me keeping my clothes on. And when I saw an advert which required one hundred stupid people to answer questions for a living, I thought I’d struck gold. The interview was dead easy, and I was over the moon when I got the job. But if only I’d read the small print on the contract they asked me to sign. Infact, if only I could read. Because then I would have known that I had signed my soul away, as well as promising to live in the Family Fortunes tower block for the rest of my natural life, answering stupid questions for a penny per answer. Of course the money wasn’t bad in the seventies, but now it’s fucking awful.”
Julie Woosnam told us an equally harrowing tale. “Once I moved in to the tower block, the tied me to the fridge in the kitchen, with a seven foot steel rope, to make sure that I never tried to leave. For twenty years I was trapped in the kitchen, forced to sleep on the uncomfortable lino floor and shit in a bucket. Food was brought daily to us, often by Les Dennis himself who particularly enjoyed laughing at me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase his ghastly face from my mind.
Our only source of entertainment was a television each, to keep us up to date with the outside world, and a copy of the News of the World once a month. I honestly think I would have gone completely mad had I not been in contact, via the usage of morse code, with the man in the next room to me, Ian, who eventually helped me escape.” The two devised a plan to chew through the steel ropes that were binding them to their homes, and to then use the steel rope as a weapon to kill any security guards or animals that tried to stop them.
“It took two years to chew through that rope,” Muckshoo told us, “but every painful bite was worth it. And fortunately we didn’t have to kill anyone to escape – and only disabled a few of the guards. But there are still Ninety Eight people trapped in that tower –ninety eight people suffering terribly every day of their lives.”
Les Dennis, however, has claimed that the couple are making this story up for money, despite the fact that we never paid them the money we promised for the story. “A Tower block full of people answering questions for Family Fortunes for life,” he said, “Is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m sure you’re being tricked by this devilish twosome,” before having to make an urgent call in to his mobile phone in which he was distinctly heard by one of our undercover reporters to utter the words “Red Alert. Red Alert, kill the tower. Now!”
Whether or not the police choose to investigate the programme is now out of our hands, but we here at WIWTN can only pray that something is done soon to help the Family Fortunes One Hundred. Or, erm Ninety Eight presumably now.
Thom Yorke, the permanently anguished lead singer of top indie group Radiohead has surprised and mildly annoyed gloomy fans of the band by announcing that Steps are to support them on their UK tour in September this year.
Speaking to our top music journo, Tommy Faggleface, he explained his reasons why he’d chosen such a shite band too support him. “The new material on our new album is so relentlessly soul destroying, as it gradually destroys any belief systems you may have had about anything, ever, that over two hundred fans committed suicide after our recent European tour dates. Fortunately most of them just slashed their wrists, so there was no tragedies like the kind you get from bridge jumping and animal attack related suicides, but still, y’know, nevertheless it’s a bit of a shame. So to prevent this from happening on our Uk tour our lawyers have advised us to subject the audience to an hour of super cheesy pop tunes. That way they’ll hopefully leave confused and a little angry, rather than suicidal."
H from Steps claimed he was told that he was particularly happy about the news. “This is a chance for Steps to play to the type of people who would normally like to slash our throats open with their sharpened claw like fingernails," he screamed at us, "but I think they’ll be pleasantly charmed and surprised by our performance – and as it’s an adult crowd, I might even get my cock out. I’m sure that by the end of the tour we may have five, ten, maybe even fifteen new fans. But we get paid anyway, so who gives a fuck, eh?”
Pop's newest couple Robbie Williams and Geri Halliwell are set to duet on a cover of Sparks "This Town ain't big enough for the both of us". Williams, 26 said, "It's an absolute delight for me to work with someone with such credibility an...." Unfortunately our reporter was forced to leave for fear of striking Williams.
Halliwell, (27- 33) tried to get an interview with us, too, but as WIWTN unfortunately had a dentist apointment that just couldn’t be cancelled, she seemed happy with the compromise of using her interview promoting her last single, as it had roughly the same amount of tedious waffle in it.
The new single will be retitled 'This planet ain't big enough for both our egos', and will be released just before either Robbie breaks the relationship up to go out with Britney Spears, or Geri breaks the relationship up to go out with Prince William. Or Harry if William’s busy. Bookies are offering good odds for both, and have also asked us to inform the general public that they are now quite happy to accept bets from children, too, as long as they wear their Dad’s coat and draw moustaches on their faces. It is expected that the relationship will last until just after it is announced that the track goes straight in at number one.
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