Click here for channels from A - L
MAGAZINE SHOW
When? 8pm – 11pm
What Does It Show? Shoddy magazine format programmes about gardens, houses, and tedious nonsense in general.
Any Good? No. It’s absolutely inane. No more needs to be said.
MAGIC
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Music, of the MOR variety. Rocklite, poplite, indielite, if you like youre music bland and reliable, you’ll find it here.
Any Good? No. Well, unless you admit to liking the most tedious of music, you’ll find very little of interest on this channel.
THE MONEY CHANNEL
When? 06:00 – 02:00
What Does It Show? Lots of different types of shows advising you how to spend your hard earned cash. A mixture of business news, documentaries and studio based chat shows (of which the latter make up the bulk of the schedule).
Any Good? The advent of Digital tv was always going to throw up a fair few dead cheap (tiny) studio based channels, and this is one of them. Fairly patronising, as you may imagine, but I suppose it is interesting occasionally, and channels like this also benefit from the ‘unintentionally funny’ factor.
Link: http://www.themoneychannel.co.uk/
MTV
When? 24 hours a day
What Does It Show? Pop Music Video’s.
Any Good? Well, it all depends on your musical tastes. If you like your boybands, your Britney Spears, etc, etc, then you’ll be in heaven. If you prefer a bit of intelligence to your music, well, then you’re pretty much out of luck. Worth watching occasionally, if only for ‘Celebrity Deathmatch’.
Link: http://www.mtv.co.uk/
MTV 2
When? 24 hours a day.
What does it show? Music Video's.
Is It any Good? Well, it's far better than MTV. It shows (mainly) Indie and Grunge, and is far more varied than it's sister channel. Plus it allows viewers to choose an hour of their own choice of music (via their website). However, if I see the Foo Fighters or Nirvana on it again, I may well start screaming, and never stop.
Link: http://www.mtv2.co.uk/
MTV DANCE
When? 19:00 – 07:00
What Does It Show? Dance music video’s.
Really? Any Good? Yes. If you like dance music.
MTV HITS
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Chart-astic pop video’s from the likes of Brittany, Robbie, Christina, Hearsay, Atomic Kitten etc, etc, etc.
Let me guess, it’s your favourite channel? Yep, when I ever want to spend an evening infliciting myself to crap pop music it's just what I watch. Of interst to the pre/early teens I suppose.
MUSIC CHOICE
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Um, well, it doesn’t actually show anything as it’s a channel which allows you to listen to various self produced radio stations such as ‘Hits’, ‘Alternative’ and ‘Favourites’. Six stations are free, and if you’re insane you can pay extra and receive thirty or so more.
Any Good? Yes, as long as you want to use your tv as a radio, of course. It’s refreshingly DJ free, the selection of music is refreshingly original, at least on the alternative station, where they often play unsigned and breaking bands as well as b-sides and album tracks from the more established. Just one thing annoys – it takes about 15 seconds to actually access the channel.
Link: http://www.musicchoice.co.uk/
MUTV
When Does It Broadcast? 17:00 – 23:00
What Does It Show? Programmes about Manchester United, and the odd ‘classic’ match.
Any Good? Only for diehard Man U. supporters. Would be of more interest if they showed new games, but as Sky have the rights currently, this won’t happen any time soon.
Link: http://www.manutd.com/mutv/
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL
When? 08:00 – 02:00 am (Digital) 19:00 – 01:00 Sat & Cable.
What Does It Show? Animals. Birds. Insects. Documentaries. And that’s it.
Any Good? Are you the type of person who enjoys dated footage of Animals mauling, eating, and shagging? If so than this channel is made for you. If not, then it will be of only passing interest. Ie. a documentary on homeless monkeys was amusing for at least ten minutes. But that’s all. One of those channels you watch for about two minutes when idly channel hopping on a wet Saturday afternoon.
Link: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/media/tv/channel/
NICKELODEON
When Does It Broadcast? 6am – 10pm, Digital, 7am-7pm Cable and Satellite.
What Does It Show? Cartoons and live action kids shows.
Is It Any Good? Well, yes, I suppose so. I’ve got a rather embarrassing soft spot for Sabrina The Teenage Witch (but only because the cat in it reminds me of Stouffer from the Harry Hill show), and the Rugrats gets a fair few showings per day too. Oh, and it’s the only place on tv that you can still find Fraggle Rock being shown. Better than Fox Kids and The Cartoon Network most of the time.
Link: http://www.nickelodeon.co.uk/nw_nick/default.asp
NICK JNR.
When Does It Broadcast? 6am–7pm Digital, 6am–10am Satellite and Cable.
What Does It Show? Classic cartoons and kids shows for the younger viewer, such as Thomas The Tank Engine and Ivor The Engine.
Is It Any Good? Well I’m reliably informed that the toddler’s of today love the channel, and it’s also a fine source of nostalgia for the older generation(s). Worth watching for Bagpuss alone, if you ask me.
Link: http://www.nickjr.co.uk/
PARAMOUNT COMEDY CHANNEL
When Does It Broadcast? 09:00 - 04:00, 7 days a week.
What Does It Show? Frasier, Cheers, Father Ted, Drop The Dead Donkey, Seinfeld.
Is it Any Good? Well, yes, at times. It repeats everything way too much, and doesn't get enough new shows, but in the last year it has shown A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Father Ted, Spaced and a few other brilliant shows. Fun from time to time.
Link: http://www.paramountcomedy.com/
PLAYHOUSE DISNEY
When?
What Does It Show? Cartoons, live action kid’s edu-tainement shows.
Any Good? Again, the youngest of all tv viewers probably adore it. But if you hate all children and wish there was a law against television being made for them, you’ll obviously hate it.
Link: http://www.disney.co.uk/
PLAY UK
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? A mixture of BBC comedy and music videos.
Any Good? Yeah, if a little repetitive. They tend to over repeat some shows, such as Shooting Stars, Stella Street and The League of Gentleman, but all in all, this channel is very watchable. The original shows that this station produces, such as ‘Mark and Lard’s Pop Upstairs Downstairs’, are obviously very cheaply made, but surprisingly entertaining, and their choice of music is far better than MTV’s. It's also just started showing the whole of The Larry Sander's Show, which is essential viewing too.
Link: http://www.playuk.tv/indexsh.html
PREMIERSHIP PLUS
When? Once or twice a week. Times vary.
What Does It Show? Premiership football matches.
Any Good? Yes, but identical to that of the ‘free’ football matches shown on Sky Sports. If you wish to watch any of the matches on the channel you can either pay eight pound per game, or buy a special season ticket at £60 – unless you’re not a sky sports/ sky digital subscriber, in which case the cost is £120.
That’s a bit steep: Yes, yes it is. But it’s the way tv’s future seems to be heading, somewhat unfortunately.
Link: http://www.skysports.com/skysports/home/
Q MUSIC CHANNEL
When Does It Broadcast? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Supposedly a more mature version of the Box, the channel only began a few weeks ago and only has a selection of around 70 videos to choose from. Ranges from the rather poor (Limp Bizkit, Madonna) to the reasonably special (Radiohead, Grandaddy, The Divine Comedy) presumably more choice will be added soon.
Any Good? Well, not yet, but it has potential and is at least refreshingly free of boy bands.
Link: http://www.qonline.co.uk/
QVC
When? 24 hours, matey.
What? Themed programmes of an hour to two hours dedicated to particular kinds of terrible, useless bric-a-brac. Examples include DISCOVER DIAMONIQUE and THE JOAN RIVERS JEWELRY COLLECTION.
Any good? Oh yes. This is perfect television. A calvacade of smily, nonsense drivelling presenters "discuss" the merits of such extra-ordinarily undesirable, QVC exclusive products as the "Instant gold-plating kit" and "Kitchen pan anti-tarnish solution." There are lots of silly demonstrations of the amazing efficacy of these products and all sorts of imaginative uses that they could each be put to. Nothing funnier has ever been devised - unmissable!
Link: http://www.qvcuk.com/
SCI – FI CHANNEL
When? 8am – 4am.
What does it show? Dated sci-fi such as Battlestar Galactia, Lost In Space and The Time Tunnel, with the occasional new (but normally recently cancelled) show such as Sleepwalkers or Babylon 5.
Any Good? Not really, unless you’re a Bab5 fan, which they show every night. A lot of the sci-fi they show has dated badly and is quite painful to watch. On the plus side, they’ve recently attained the rights to Twin Peaks, in my view the best show of the 90’s, which’ll be shown quite soon and simply should not be missed. Slowly getting better.
Link: http://www.uk.scifi.com/
SHOP!
When: 24 hours a day
What Does It Show? Studio based adverts. Very similar to QVC.
Any Good? Now there’s a question. Not really, but they do sell some okay items from time to time (things that you might actually consider buying like Playstations and other computer related stuff). An added bonus is that the presenters are a lot more human than those on QVC, younger and a little more amusing. On the computer hour the male presenter constantly took the piss out of the female presenter for knowing nothing about them at all, that raised a smile. Again, like so many Digital channels, makes for good post pub viewing for about 5 minutes.
Link: http://www.shop-i.co.uk/
SKY 1
When does it broadcast? 24 hours a day
What Does It Show? The best American shows mainly, such as The Simpsons, Buffy, Angel, King of the Hill, The X-Files, and an awful lot of Star Trek.
Is It Any Good? Some of the time. It shows brand new episodes of decent shows such as The Simpsons, South Park, etc. and has recently begun producing a few decent British shows (Time Gentlemen Please, The New Blackadder, and, ahem, Dream Team). But they do repeat everything they show far too much. I love The Simpsons, but two episodes a day seems a little over the top, and Star Trek at 17.00 and 0:00 is just, y'know, too much.
Link: http://www.sky.com/one/
SKY BOX OFFICE
When Does It Broadcast? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Films. Normally six months after video release / before they’ll be shown on the normal Sky movie channels. Costs three quid per movie.
Any Good? Well the films often are, but the price is pretty steep (the same as most video shops), and if you subscribe to Sky’s movie channels it’s worth waiting six months and not having to pay (extra) to see them.
Link: http://www.sky.com/boxoffice/
SKY CINEMA
When? 11am – 6am at the Weekend, 4pm – 6am Weekdays (Sat) 24 hours (Digital).
What Does It Show? Older ‘classier’ movies and the odd cult movie. Recent highlights include ‘Dr Strangelove’ ‘Rear Window’, ‘Chariots of Fire’ and ‘Cool Hand Luke.’ However, it also shows the odd duff movie, such as ‘Year of the Gun’ a dodgy Andrew McCarthy and Sharon Stone thriller, which is no ones idea of a good film, let alone a ‘classic’
Worth Watching? Yeah, quite a lot of the time. Certainly shows a fair few ‘unmissable’ films which should be part of everyone’s video collection.
Link: http://www.sky.com/movies/cinema/
SKY MOVIEMAX
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? The more violent and generally stupid side of Hollywood. Filled with lots of films which didn’t make as much money as was expected, and a fair few made for tv movies. Recent ‘highlights’ include: Spawn, Blues Brothers 2000, Species 2, and Chubby Goes Down Under.
Is It Any Good? No, not really. I mean from time to time they get something okay, like ‘Crash’ for example, but most of the time it’s filled with dull by the numbers action movies, soft core porn, or, even worse than that, ‘disease of the week movies’. Shudder.
Link: http://www.sky.com/movies/moviemax/
SKY NEWS
When Does It Broadcast?24hours a day.
What Does It Show? The News
Is It Any Good? Yeah, not bad. Their coverage of the Louise Woodward trial a few years back was very entertaining, and it’s always worth flicking to this channel a couple of times per day. Unless you have no interest in what’s going on in the world of course.
Link: http://www.sky.com/news/home/
SKY PREMIER
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Big Budget Hollywood movies, with the odd occasional indie movie. Highlights from next week (25/08/00+) include: The Opposite of Sex, Snake Eyes, Shakespeare in Love, Dead Ringers, and Boogie Nights.
Any Good? Yeah, it’s not bad. A bit too mainstream for too much of the time, but it gets it’s far share of good movies. It used to be far better before Film Four launched.
Link: http://www.sky.com/movies/premier/
SKY SPORTS 1, 2, 3
When? 7am – 4:15 am
What Does It Show? Football, Boxing, Cricket, Wrestling, Snooker, Rugby etc.
Any Good? Yes. Yes it is. For one thing, it’s the only place you can see live premier league football matches (on average 2 per week) and Sky are gradually buying the rights to every major sporting event. Plus it’s entertainingly put together, informative, and generally very watchable. Unless you don’t like sport, of course. In that case it’s bloody awful (obviously).
Link: http://www.skysports.com/skysports/home/
SKY SPORTS.COM
When Does It Broadcast? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Sports news.
Any Good? Yeah, not bad, a little over reliant on football for filling time, if you need to know the latest sports news this is the best place to visit.
Link:http://www.skysports.com/skysports/home/
SKY TRAVEL
When? 11:00 - 16:00
What Does It Show? Homemade adverts for Holidays.
Any Good? Well, it’s all very pretty and everything, and adequately produced, but bar for the purpose of writing this review, I never find the need to watch this channel. Ever. And even if I was going away, I’d see no point in watching the channel in the hope that they might get around to featuring the destination of my choice. Still, in the depths of Winter, some might find pleasure in watching hotter climes and dreaming of being anywhere but in Blighty. But that’s about its only use.
Link: http://www1.sky.com/skycomhome/homepage/
Link: http://www1.sky.com/home/generalindex.html
SMASH HITS TV
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Pop Music. Much like The Box, Q, Kiss, Kerrang et al, you can pay 60p and choose a video you wish to watch via the phone.
Any Good? No, of course not. It shows terrible, manufactured pop, and is only of interest to those under the age of 14. Hopefully.
Link: http://www.smashhitstv.co.uk/
THE STUDIO
When? 24 hours.
What Does It Show? Films.
Any Good? Yes. As film channels go, it’s one of the better ones, though not as good as Film Four or Sky Premier. Not available to Sky Digital viewers.
TARA
When Does It Broadcast? 10:00 – 01:00
What Does It Show? Irish orientated news, chat, reviews, game shows, soaps and music.
Any Good? Not really. Most of the shows are of only passing interest, and it’s all a little cheap. Probably of more interest if you live in Ireland, mind.
Link: http://www.taratv.net/
TCM
When Does It Broadcast? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Films.
Is It Any Good? Like all film channels, it can be good one day, shite the next. But it shows a fair few good/classic movies, some of which haven’t been screened in years.
Link: http://tcmonline.co.uk/html/index2.html
THE BOX
When Does It Broadcast? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Music video's chosen by the public via a 50p per minute phone line.
Is It Any Good? Only if you love manufactured music, as the channel basically only seemingly shows, S Club 7, Spice Girls and Westlife. Not a channel for indie or dance fans, by any means.
Link: www.thebox.co.uk/
THE RACING CHANNEL
When? 24/7
What Does It Show? Horse racing.
Any Good? For the hardened gambler there’s probably no better channel available. Oh, and for those sexually attracted to horses too. But for the rest of us, it serves no purpose, and certainly the coverage and presentation is no match to Channel Four’s.
Link: http://www.racingchannel.com/
THE TECHNOLOGY CHANNEL (AKA .TV)
When? 12pm – Midnight
What Does It Show? Studio based programmes about various computer topics.
Any Good? Surprisingly so, at least for this sort of thing. Whilst it’s obviously a channel with a limited budget, the programmes shown are informative, interesting and worth viewing. Plus they broadcast a number of phone in show’s with experts on hand to help sort out your computer problems. Of interest to only a limited number of viewers, maybe, but the sort of specialist channel that Digital tv was made for.
Link: http://www.tvchannel.co.uk/
TOON DISNEY
When? 24/7.
What Does It Show? Cartoons. Of the wide eyed Disney ilk.
Any Good? As always, the under fives are going to lap this up. But a recent survey proved that the under fives don’t actually read this website, so to pandering to their likes has sadly proved to be pointless. Ahem. Anyway, it all depends on your tolerance to patronising moralising and a distinct lack of violence in your cartoons as to how much you’ll like this. Personally I never view it, but its certainly one of the more ‘professional’ channels available.
Link: http://www.disney.co.uk/
TROUBLE
When Does It Broadcast? 6am – 12am Digital, 7am – 8pm Cable and Satellte.
What Does It Show? A mixture of (kinds/teenagers) sitcoms and soaps.
Is It Any Good? It’s not bad, not bad at all. Whilst Saved By The Bell: The New Class is clearly terrible, repeats of Streetmate, Hollyoaks, Party of five, and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air entertain from time to time.
Link: http://www.trouble.co.uk/
TV TRAVEL SHOP
When: 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Video’s of holiday packages which you can purchase through the channel, with links by a studio bound presenter.
Any Good? Another channel which has its use. Not ridiculously expensive, and at least may be of interest if you fancy going something different on holiday.
Link: http://www.tvtravelshop.com/
UK DRAMA
When? 7pm – 6am
What Does It Show? BBC Drama. A mix of serials and one-off plays. And that’s about all.
Any Good? Sometimes. This channel used to be called ‘UK Arena’ and was far more varied, but now it specialises in what is
allegedly ‘the best in UK Drama’. Worth watching for ‘The Lakes’ – but Tenko, The Onedin Line have both dated pretty badly.
UK GOLD
When? 7am – 3am.
What Does It Show? The cream (allegedly) of the BBC (and the odd bit of Thames TV too). On an average day you may be lucky enough to see May To December, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, Casualty, The Bill, Eastenders and the classic movie ‘Herbie Rides Again.’
Is It Any Good? Only occasionally. It’s schedule is mainly packed full of dated soaps and crappy sitcoms. On the plus side, it does show Shooting Stars, and Blackadder from time to time. But that’s a very small plus side really.
UK GOLD 2
When Does It Broadcast? 6pm – 2am
What Does It Show? Exactly what UK Gold shows, but at different times.
Is It Any Good? No, not really, as it tends to broadcast the worst of UK Gold, including such appalling shows as Knots Landing and Juliet Bravo. Hardly ever worth watching, to be honest with you (unless you like your tv with extra cheese attached).
UK HORIZONS
When Does It Broadcast? 07:00 – 01:00
What Does It Show? Lifestyle, cookery, docu-soap shows and generally tedious rubbish normally shown on BBC1 between 9am - 2pm.
Any Good? Um, okay. If you ever want to know how to put up a shelf or cook a meal and you need your televisions help, then I suppose this channel could help.
Link: http://www.ukhorizons.co.uk/
UK STYLE
When Does It Broadcast? 7am – 1am
What Does It Show? A mixture of Cookery, Gardening and home improvement shows.
Is It Any Good? No. Not to me anyway. Clearly aimed at the older generation, it’s mixture of repeats from the BBC and ITV of shows I never wanted to watch in the first place. Definitely worth avoiding.
VH1
When? 24 hours a day.
What Does It Show? Dated Pop Music Video’s, mostly from the eighties / early nineties.
Any Good? Again, it’s a matter of personal choice. If you think the eighties was the best decade for music then you’ll probably love it (from the comfort of your padded cell), if, like me, you hated the whole decade, then you’ll rarely watch this channel.
Link: http://www.vh1online.co.uk/
VH1 CLASSIC
When? 24 hours a day
What Does It Show?Even older music than VH1 - with the odd sprinkling of more modern tunes.
Any Good? Again, sigh, like all music channels it depends on your tastes. Okay.
Link: http://www.vh1online.co.uk/vh1classic.htm
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