Cook'd and Bomb'd - A superb site dedicated to Chris Morris and Peter Cook, packed with cool downloads, articles, pics, wallpaper and much much. Definitely worth visiting, well, now really.
David Cann - Offical site of this actor regularly seen in Morris' work.
Glebe's Thrift Funnel - Decent fansite devoted to Chris Morris - included up to date news, articles, downloads and a lot more.
Rethinks Chris Morris Site - Slightly out of date Chris Morris info - plus all the usual bits and pieces.
The Felchspoon - Another really good CM fansite with lots of downloads etc...
Jam Festival - Site with loads of audio files from the Blue Jam radio series.
Brasseye has already entered in to television history, and with good reason. Chris Morris is perhaps television’s only true anarchist, which is probably why he's only worked once (Jam) on the small screen since Brasseye was screened. For the show is one of the greatest works of comedy ever produced in any medium. Strong words? Well, I guess I better justify them then.
Brasseye is perhaps the finest example of cutting edge, exciting, dangerous, and most importantly, downright hilarious tv we have. BBC2’s rather marvellous ‘The Day Today’ showed he had potential, but it was his own series that really showed what he was made of.
The series only ran for one season, which makes it even more perfect – six episodes, almost three hours, of pure comedy. Morris’s satirical look at the ‘cutting edge documentary series’ made me laugh almost constantly, and, for a while, Chris Morris looked to be comedy’s great hope. That he still has to fulfill many of the expectations that Brasseye created is more the fault of the tv companies who won’t hire him, then Morris himself.
A mixture of fake reports and interviews, Brasseye tackled a different topic each week. Morris attacked and satirised the way television deals with animal cruelty, drugs, science, sex, crime, and the state of moral decline. Simply put, he summed up the main concerns of the 20th century and took the piss out of them with style. He wasn’t interested in simply being topical, indeed we suspect he wanted to create the news – as he did so well when he fooled celebrities in to believing that ‘Cake’ was a real drug, and enlisted their services to try and stop it spread across the country.
Morris played most of the characters in the show, many of which showed off his comic acting ‘talent’. From injecting heroine, reporting on scared cows, to smiling inanely at minor celebs, Morris did it all with style, panache, and his tongue firmly in cheek. That the celebrities involved failed to realise that they were being fooled is an enormous credit to him.
Brasseye has influenced a fair few tv programmes since its demise, the most obvious being the weak, but occasionally amusing ‘The Eleven ‘O Clock Show.’ But Ali G looks a whole lot less funny when compared to Chris Morris. Whilst Sacha Baron-Cohen trades in weak sexual innuendo’s, Morris wasn’t afraid to offend his special guests, and had the ability (and the backing) to make complete fools of them. Noel Edmonds publicly complained about the treatment he’d received, which made it all the more funnier. Whilst the made up drug CAKE made the headlines, some guests were treated far crueller. Jaz Mann, lead singer of the thankfully now deceased Babylon Zoo, came across as a complete loon, Mad Frankie Fraser as, well, mad, and Peter Stingfellow, well, some targets are so easy that to make them look utterly stupid is a joy.
1. Animal Cruelty.
Written by Christopher Morris
Script Associate: Peter Baynham
Addition Material by Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews.
Cast: Ian Gelder, Mark Heap, John Irwin, Janene Possell, Albert Welling.
Directed by Micheal Cumming.
‘Animal Cruelty’ introduces the formula that Brasseye was to follow, a mix of celebrity interviews and sketches revolving around one topic. Surprisingly inoffensive at times.
Our Favourite Moments From This Episode:
Chris Morris at a dinner party.
“You’re wrong, and you’re a grotesquely ugly freak. Thanks.”
CM: “In ancient Egypt felines were worshipped because the Egyptians thought they were funny.”
CM: “These vast cat heads were built underground, and seen by no one.”
CM: “In Britain in the last century it was quite acceptable for a young gentleman to lose his virginity to one of London’s many whore dogs. Dickens and Prince Albert both boasted of their experiences.”
“Micheal Heseltine finds it very useful, um, if he’s angry, to have an ape to slap. Kenneth Clarke has a baby moose in his cupboard.”
CM: “This is a bus load of flies that have been sent on holiday to Africa.”
“During the Blitz when many clocks were destroyed Londoners could tell the time by watching a dog throw itself off a highboard. Which it did precisely every sixty seconds, twenty four hours a day, for over eight months.”
Ted Maul on the cow taunting case:
“One activist got so angry he donned a cow suit and lamped Hotrine right outside the court. Wow! He chopped him in the gob. And he’s legged it. Great running.”
David Jatt in conversation with Sir Peregrine Worsthorne.
DJ: “We execute wasps, but we don’t execute dogs?”
DJ: “Why do a lot of people not believe that wasps sting?”
W.O.F.D.C.A.P. – World Organisation For Decreasing Captive Animal Problems – incorporating A.A.A.A.A.A.A.Z. – Against Animal Anger and Autocausal Abuse Atrocities in Zoo’s, and their campaign to help Carla the Elephant who has her trunk stuck in her anus.
Britt Eckland: “Last year they (W.O.F.D.C.A.P.) stopped penguins catapulting each other through the glass roof at Sidney Zoo. Last month they stopped a pig throwing itself on to a python, in a two way death pact, in Chester.”
CM: “Paul Daniels’ contribution moved all who saw it to horrible tears.”
Wolf the Gladiator: “Urgent News. Carla has started to ingest her own head. Her dunkbump mechanism has blown. There’s bloody vegetable gas everywhere.”
Nicholas Parsons obviously edited poem.
“Aren’t we a bunch of fuckwits.
An elephant could no more get its trunk up its arse
Than we could lick our own balls.”
Alexandra Paul: “Hi, this is Alexandra Paul from Baywatch, please help me get Carla’s head out of her guts now, before she explodes.
2. Drugs
Written by: Christopher Morris.
Additional Material by: Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, Peter Baynham.
Cast: Chris Morris, David Cann, Hayley Casanovas, Kevin Eldon, Paul Garner, Sinead Griffin-Lennon, Mark Heap, Bill Moody, Claire Skinner.
Directed by Micheal Cumming.
This episode contains perhaps the sharpest, cutting moments of the whole series. Taking the piss almost constantly, this episode drew the most complaints.
Our favourite moments from this episode:
The Daily Mirror headline - "Last one on drugs is a Queer" yells Portillo."
F.U.K.D. and B.O.M.B.D ("Free the United Kingdom From Drugs" and "British Opposition to Metabolically Bisturbile Drugs") fighting against the killer drug CAKE, and enlisting the help of Bruno Brookes, Rolf Harris, Bernard Ingham, Jimmy Greaves, Bernard Manning, Noel Edmonds, MP David Amess MP and Sir Graham Bright MP.
The Drumlake Experiment, in which headmaster Donaldus Matthews suggests a pupil talk to the geography teacher for drug money.
The Fuckstead School report with Austin Tasseltine and Mark the School Drug Addict (especially when he's forced to wear the horses head).
The child who is informed that her parents are dead - especially the Minister's funeral speech - "They said, oh goody, let's pump ourselves full of magic monkey juice and take a trip to space land. Because we'd rather do that then spare another minute with that poor sod."
The ridiculously long piece of bad dance music in the middle of MP David Amess' Cake speech.
The made up names for Cake - which include "Loonytoad quack," "Joss Ackland's Spunky Backpack," "Ponce on the heath," "Rustledust," and "Hattie Jacques Pretentious Cheese Wog."
A conversation without drugs with Jaz Mann.
"CM: Do you think you'll ever write a spherical song?
JM: Um, I don't know really. Uh.
CM: Has Micheal Nyman?
JM: I think he's getting close.
CM: As he gets older or in his earlier work?
JM: I think. Definitely. As he gets older."
Written by: Christopher Morris with Peter Baynham
Additional material by: Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan
Cast: Peter Baynham, Amelia Bullmore, David Cann, Bill Cashmore, Peter Darling, Hugh Dennis, Barbara Durking, Paul Garner, Mark Heap, Nigel Lindsay, Doon Mackichan, Claire Skinner, Stephen Webber, Albert Welling, Chris Wilkinson, and Will Self as Little Kenneth
Directed by Micheal Cumming.
“Science” is probably the worst episode, with a few too many ‘celebrity embarrassments’ which aren’t quite as funny as those in the drugs episode. But it’s still packed with many gems, of course.
Our favourite moments from this episode:
“Science has increased our understanding of suffering. But has it really helped?”
“I think they’re not disabled at all. I think they’re just incredibly lazy people.”
“We got two mice to give birth to a second.” Dr Fash Habbard – Chronofractics Expert.
“And I looked over and the clock on the wall was, well, it was throwing up” Suzanee Wooola-Koopus – Time Test Victim
Good Science with Tania Bryer
“It’s a vertical tube farm capable of growing the same amount as a 300 acre farm, but on less than one square meter of land.”
“Of course some people say it would be vulnerable in a strong wind, but for goodness sake, whose to say there’s going to be a strong wind?”
Ted Maul Investigating People Who Grow extra body parts for cash.
“TM: When City Analyst Helly Melvick hit the skids she agreed to earn just Six hundred quid, for a year of agony, growing balls on her back.
HM: It’s like somebody sticking, er, a saber in to you and screwing it around day and night for six months.
TM: Fuck me.”
“TM: You’re not going to get away with this. It’s not cool to be weird.”
Bad Science with Tania Bryer – Mutant clouds which turn upside down, injecting rain into space.
“Just last month two rivers got completely lost and were found wandering uselessly about the South Oceans.”
The NASA On Board Sex Receptacle.
“On Board Gemni John Young raped and ate alive two experimental monkeys.”
“Experiments with the rear end of horses failed, and women were deemed too silly for space.”
G.E.F.A.F.W.I.S.P.
Global Ensortium For A First World Iniative On Scientific Practise – fighting against “Heavy Electricity.”
“Basically, it’s like being hit by a ton of invisible lead soup.”
“Can we stand around and eat pies while they’re being flattened like flies, swatted by the tail of a mad invisible horse.” Richard Briers
“Gita is fifteen years old and now because of heavy electricity she’s only eight inches tall. She can’t speak, but she must feel quite dreadful.” Nick Owen.
“Do you know they actually say to me that there is no such thing as heavy electricity. That electricity couldn’t possibly fall out of wires. What a load of old crap.” Ceasar The Geezer, Capital Radio DJ.
The scientists urinating on the earth as Morris says:
“Is this what we’ve done to ourselves? Good Christ, I hope not.”
4. Sex
Written by Christopher Morris
Additional Material by Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews
Cast: alaxander Armstrong, Bill Bailey, Peter Baynham, Amelia Bullmore, Barbara Durkin, Kevin Eldon, Lindsay Fraser, Fransesca Ford, Mark Heap, Simon Kunz, Gina McKee, Doon Mackichan, Harriet Norcott, Kathryn Pogson, Albert Welling.
Directed by Micheal Cumming.
Sex is possibly the most offensive episode of the six, with some moments, the segment on sexual abuse being the most obvious example, cutting very close to the mark. Offensive, occasionally sickening comedy at its best.
Our favourite moments from this episode:
Daily Telegraph Headline - “Very Sexy” Beams Clarke after Urinating on London from Helicopter.
Evening Standard Headline – Cook Dragged from Serpentine with Stuffed in Anus.
Portsmouth Gerald Headline – Again No Arrest For Man Dressed As Glands.
“Sex. Sex is a sumptuous glam babe in a hall of donkeys, or a sordid little incubus that looks like your granny. It’s a strong feelings kidney which ever way you slice it.”
Sophie V’Haalbjje, the girl whose parents died whilst having sex, in interview with CM.
Sophie’s Aunt: “A frozen dog fell from a plane and killed them while they were making sex.”
CM: “Were they dead when you saw them?”
Sophie: “Alive.”
CM: “Oh come off it, you twit, they’d be dead, completely smashed up like tongues under a hammer.
Do you think this’ll give you psycho-sexual problems in later life? Must have messed up your brain…..And I’m afraid we will have to see that little girl being upset in a rather more sustained way later on in tonight’s deeply disturbing broadgram.”
The Claire Rayner Interview, in which she promises to beat off Morris.
CM: “Hey who says Aids guys are too puny to do tough stuff. This guys’ got Aids and he’s about to beat me in an arm wrestling – oooh, well done, ooh gosh.”
CM: “What if a mad man broke in here with a machine gun and shot you to pieces? Anyone here yawning would get your blood in their mouths. You shouldn’t have come in. You’ve got bad Aids. You shouldn’t have come in.”
News of the World Headline – “Brown Funnels” - and the interview with Ben Fetch, who tells of Captain Bruges being ‘gay’ on the HMS Watford.
“The worst thing was the first aid drill. We used to have to dress wounds, but it was always dressing penises. Penis wounds.”
CM: “Imagine the fear of knowing you have a gay man on board a boat. When you retire at night you think to yourself “God will I wake up and find everybody dead?”
Libby Shutts: “Quite.”
The interviews with Peter Stringfellow and David Sullivan.
CM: “You’ve got a cable tv channel haven’t you.”
David Sullivan: “No, I’ve got a license for a little adult channel.”
CM: “A channel for little adults?”
DS: “Yes.”
CM: “And in this country next year a nightly four hour show will feature a man looking at pictures of women and saying which one’s he’d hump.”
Senator Dale Lee Agsby and his masterbation problem, and the Adolf Snarn Radio Show.
“Do we listen? No, we just weep like teased vagina’s.” Rubeglia Palliativa on Drade Kong live.
“One time he jerked off in my dog’s face, and she was very, very upset.” Honolee Dolholly - Agsby’s college sweetheart.”
The interview with Peter Tatchell.
CM: “But you say that Labour, would then 2 of them come out as well, probably. They’re following suit, like y’know, kids playing snap.”
Whore News.
CM: “And don’t forget that in Leicester Joanna Lumley, Anita Roddick and Helena Bonhma-Carter are all whoring themselves, all night, to raise a little money to buy some coloured bricks for some children. Helena’s speciality there is a golden shower.”
Written by Christopher Morris.
Additional material by Peter Baynham, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews.
Cast: Jean Ainslie, Bill Bailey, David Cann, Ruddy L. Davis, Barbara Durkin, Kevin Eldon, Sean Foley, Constantine Gregory, John Guerrasie, Mark Heap, Alethea Herron, Tristan Hickey, Kieron Jecchinis, Gina McKee, Doon Mackichan, ‘Big Mick’, Willie Ross, Ben Swann.
Directed by Micheal Cumming.
This, the fifth episode, centred on crime (no, really) and it’s effects, and is, surprisingly, the least offensive of all the episodes.
Our Favourite Moments From This Episode:
CM: “UK used to mean United Kingdom but ask anyone today and they’ll tell you it stands for Unbelievable Krimewave.”
CM: “This month police pictures showed another estate in Manchester turning itself in to a gun.”
Ted Maul: “ Coswick – It’s a huge mess, like Dante meeting Bosch in a crack lounge.”
Ted Maul: “Kids burst shops by filling them with rice and pouring in water. Then standing back and laughing while the bricks are ripped apart by the swelling.”
“Everybody had keys to everybody else’s houses, y’know, and the locks were made out of, well, they were sort of made of something like paper.” Jill McManus – Victim.
Ted Maul: “Kerry was dressed up as an angel. He woke the old man up and told him he was dead. And must go outside and bury himself.”
CM: “As a result of that experience Ted Maul has been absent for some time with nervous exhaustion.”
The Sir Rhodes Boyson interview, in which he agrees that Bruce Wayne patrolling Gotham City is a good idea.
Faranoid – with Chuck Faranoid – Priests with Guns.
Headlines: “Priest chopped up for speaking too slowly.” “Confession Carnage. Triple Penance Man Mortars Cathedral.” “Pyschoparish. Nothing left of Cardinal after 6-year old’s Uzi Wigout.”
CM: “And sadly crime experts predict that one day even friendly conversation between mother and daughter will be conducted at gunpoint.”
“Now that I’ve seen the proof, I apologise for my fellow blacks. I’m sorry.” Nelson Koka – representing every black person in Britain.
Libby Shutts report on Harshpounds for young offenders.
LS: “Despite his criminal mind this man has behaved well. His reward is the canoe. This time he can sit in the canoe for up to an hour.”
LS: “There are no simple answers to the problem of punishment. But there is a simple question. Would it really matter if one of these men died?”
The Home Office Key 2000 report with Tommy Vance, Vanessa Feltz and Geoff Boycott.
Geoff Boycott on how to get out of bed: “Remember, the best technique is to look at the bed and then try and get as far away from it as possible.”
Tommy Vance: “Gary Glitter said good to be back. But in your case that does not apply.”
Micheal Winner reading the words of a reformed prisoner: “Your life in Prison is like a dog in a box. What you’ve got to do is make the dog bigger than the box. Not in a bad way, like a mad wolf in a matchbox.”
Vanessa Feltz’ message to murderers: “I’m the old lady whose head you stoved in with a loose wardrobe in the middle of the nigt. Remember? I’m Marvin Gaye, shot by my own father. Oh yes. You know me alright. Look at my eyes, murderer. You killed me. What the hell did you do that for? Look at me. Feel proud do you? Do you even know what a feeling is? I do. But I can’t have anymore now, because of you. You.”
Prison Slang: Howard’s Arse – prison; Woggy Coconuts – airbricks; Gazza – a gas coin used for currency for cigarettes; Portillo – look out behind you.
CM: “Research shows that football riots can be halted instantly by showing pornography on the video displays.”
6. State of Moral Decline
Written by Christopher Morris.
Additional Material by Peter Baynham, Jane Bussman, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews, David Quantick.
Cast: David Cann, Bill Cashmore, Saleh Chaudhri, Gerard Doyle, , Barbara Durkin, Kevin Eldon, Sinead Griffin-Lennon, Mark Heap, Dominic Letts, Simon Kunz, Gina McKee, Doon Mackichan, Bill Moody, Harriet Norcott, Janeane Possell, Micheal Redmond, Claire Skinner.
Directed by Micheal Cumming.
The final episode is one of the funniest, the perfect mix of celebrity embarrassment and sharp satirical sketches.
Our Favourite Moments From This Episode:
Austin Tasseltine, outside the petrol station which gets raided every thirty five minutes.
The Pulp piss take – Blouse (lead singer Purves Grundy).
Ted Maul: “The new single by Blouse (Me Oh Myra) is a sort of love song to Myra Hindley. And it’s caused more stink than a bomb in one of those holes in the ground at a rock festival that everybody shits in.”
CM: “Terr Waite, once special envoy to the archbishop of Canterbury has been paid two million pounds to write a fifth gospel, to replace the other four.”
Voice suspiciously similar to TW: “Jesus didn’t know he was Jesus until he’d been chained to the radiator for some time.”
Shaftsbury’s Jam – where “staff are encouraged to use cannabis, cocaine, crack and heroine whenever they feel the need,” and Mark the new recruit who ends up barking crazily like a dog.
The Interview with Darcus Howe.
CM: “I’m sitting opposite a man, he knows nothing, he talks all the time, the result is he’s a trenchant buffoon, he had no idea how to present television shows, he looks ridiculous in that fashion wear. He swans around all the time hoping that people will recognise him, when infact nobody’s even remotely interested. He’s taken up enough time on this show already and he hasn’t even opened his mouth. God knows why he’s here, I’ve nothing to ask the guy. And for all I know he may be a coco shunter too. Darcus Howe.
DH: “What’s a coco shunter?”
CM: “Coco Shunter? That’s just what I’ve got, er, oh, sorry, that’s the introduction to Robert Elms. Sorry. Do you know Robert Elms? I’ve just read out the introduction to Robert Elms."
The C4 news report just before the ad break.
“The Broadcaster and entertainer Clive Anderson has been shot dead by television host Noel Edmonds at his house in Cornwall this evening.”
Brasseye on the Bible – “We had this book analysed. It reads like the ramblings of a drunken horse.”
The little girl who saw a statue of Mary drving around town.
Her mother: “I gently suggested she might like to pray in the middle of the road, and that if she were to be killed by a car then the chances of getting to Heaven would be higher.”
CM: “When you’re kneeling in the road do you think ‘I want a car to come and hit me’?”
Little Girl: “yes.”
CM: “You’re phone calls tonight have been described tonight variously as ‘Rabid’, ‘Pig Ignorant’ and ‘stultifyingly ill-informed. Thanks for those.”
And the final moments of Brasseye, where Morris asks “As we approach the third millenium have we really come to this?” followed by a shot of a dog licking a statue’s groin, and ending on Morris stating “I’m afraid that the answer is yes.”
7. Paedo-geddon.
This new, one off special, was broadcast on the 26th July 2001. For a full review click here. Favourite moments will be added soon.
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